Sorry I'm late for 5 and haven't been sending C&C on
Shell Games recently. Life's been hectic, and it
doesn't help that I fall asleep while doing my
homework.
Chapter 5
Description:
Ryo and Seiji fight, Hotaru stops them. We find out
that Koma is Kayura (at least I did). Kayura's castle
becomes under seige when they realize that Hotaru
isn't the enemy. Lots of people meet up at the end and
become friends (or there's enough evidence to show
that that's what's going to happen, though with
Setsuna and Rajura, there are no guarantees).
Comments:
Another good one. The emotional scenes are nice and
have a feel of WAFF about them. The humor spread out
evenly throughout keeps everything fun and upbeat,
even with all the bad things happening. Conflicts seem
to get resolved quickly, but somehow these resolutions
don't seem at all contrived. The writing stays as good
as it's always been.
A few things have caught my eye, though:
The green-haired Senshi of Time nodded and
I know it's difficult to find adjectives for
characters, and you don't want to sound redundant, but
you shouldn't worry about it too much. People are more
likely to recognize bad adjectives than they are to
pay too much attention to seeing the character's name
again (as long as it's not used TOO soon, which it
isn't here).
continued. "He was
born Kujuurou Sasaki, and although he looks twenty,
he was actually
born in Northern Honshuu, in 1550. His birthday is
December 3. He is
an accomplished hunter and tracker, and utterly
ruthless." She paused,
as if trying to recall something else. "He is weak
against light
attacks, and... oh, yes. He is allergic to
broccoli."
And...
From the door, Shuu Rei Fuan looked in. "Hey! Uhm,
I hate to
rush you two ladies, but Rajura says we need to
leave, like, NOW."
I see you tend to stress words a lot. Most of the time
it's okay, but with lines like this (though it could
go either way) I think it's better to leave the word
and/or maybe add an exclamation point instead. That's
mostly just my stylistic preference, though.
"Saranbo? CHIKUSO!" Touma cursed, and joined
Here, it might be better to just use the English word.
It's understood that he's cursing, but there really is
no point in using Japanese when English will do just
fine.
his
friends in...
uhm... 'strategic retreat'. Saranbo had managed to
beat all of the
Yoroiden by himself the last time they faced off,
and that had been
when they had the help of Seiji, as well as Ryo and
the Kikouten.
"Well," Shin joked sarcastically, "I always
'sarcastically' is used below very close to this one.
I suggest taking out the 'sarcastically' here, since
it isn't really needed. I see you're going for the
humor with it, but I think it works better the way I
suggested since they don't have the same phrase after
it.
You could have both either 'said sarcastically' or
'joked sarcastically' for when they talk, and see how
that works out.
wanted
to see more
of this lovely countryside!"
**********
"I got to tell you," Rei Hino said sarcastically,
"I can't wait
to see more of this lovely countryside!"
Minako Aino walked several feet away, where nobody
could hear
her, and started to cry. It wasn't FAIR! Seiji was
gone, she knew it.
If you want readers to be able to sympathize with her
better, it would be better to show her crying more.
Maybe talk a little about where she is and her tears
falling. What I get out of this is you're telling us
about her doomed relationships and she's doing a
little tear bit in the background.
It was that damned curse, Kaito Ace coming back from
beyond the grave
to ruin her life again.
** He throws a card to her. **
** "The ace of hearts!?" **
** It tears apart before her eyes. **
** "I'll tell your final love fortune," he says. **
** "Your love will be hopeless for all eternity."
**
** "What's wrong?" he says. "You should look
happier. **
** Now you can go on living, without having to
torment **
** yourself over the ultimate choice, your love or
your **
** duty. Your fate is to continue fighting..." **
Curling into a ball on the ground, she continued to
sniffle for
a while. It was true, she knew. Ever since that day,
This is a little better, but more would help.
<...>
"You were trying to kill us, Seiji."
"Oh, PLEASE!" Seiji snorted and hopped to his own
feet. "Do
you remember when we fought all those youma and
daimons? And all those
robots? Do you EVER remember us fighting as badly as
we fought against
you? I mean, Ryo and Touma ALONE once fought off ten
thousand youja,
and they were a LOT tougher than you girls. We threw
that fight, and
you know it."
That's what I'm thinking!
<...>
SHE LIVED.
This was the one thought that bothered the
corpulent youja lord
known as Saranbo. He sat at long last on the throne
of the entire
Dynasty, and that was good, but Kayura and the Masho
still breathed,
and that was as bad as things could possibly get.
SHE LIVED.
And, when it came to Kayura, she who had once been
known as the
most lethal and dangerous of Arago's warriors, his
Mistress of Pain,
it was always wiser to ensure she was taken care of
before relaxing.
And taking care of Kayura, especially now, meant to
kill her and
bury her deep. Bury her twice, just to be sure, and
each part in its
own grave. The Masho? Saranbo couldn't RISK leaving
enough of THEM to
bury. His perfect plan, his allegiances with both
Badamon and the
Dark Kingdom, all in tatters...
Because she lived.
No, Because SHE LIVED.
=P
"But not for long..." he whispered, gently stroking
his halberd
and picturing a certain black haired pretty little
head on the end of
it. "No, not for long... I'll summon my troops, hunt
her down, kill
Kayura, kill the Masho, kill the Yoroiden..." He
shrugged his armoured
shoulders. "What the hell? Kill their little Senshi
friends too."
Hehehe.
Chapter 6
Shuu and Touma fight Rajura and Naaza. Ryo and Ami
make up in an extremely funny fashion. More people
meet together then decide to find the others. We find
out how cruelly Setsuna was treated in the past by
Rajura, and how kindly she was treated by another
samurai. The author finishes with quite a few
surprises, leaving readers with plenty of questions.
Comments:
Great descriptions here. Brilliant humor in just the
right places (the 'Kayura finds and punishes the
childish Yoroiden' scene was absolutely hilarious,
just to name one), and there's enough of it to rival
any other humorous fic I've ever read. A rather
surprising ending. I can't wait for the next chapter.
A few things:
The scraggly bushes behind her rustled, and a >
young man with
shoulder length brown hair came crawling out to
speak to her. His
name was Shin Mouri, and he was carrying a plate of
something that
MIGHT be food, once it stopped twitching. "Komban
wa, Usagi Tsukino."
<see above about Japanese-English thing>
"Greetings, Kayura, Rajura!" Shin waved as the > two
pushed
their way through the bushes. "Where's everybody
else?"
"Oh, they're... hanging out," Rajura
*groans at the EXTREMELY bad pun* =P
Therein lay Ryo Sanada's deepest, darkest
secret. Despite the
armour, the powers, the virtue, and the weapons, he
was, at heart, an
ordinary guy. And NO guy, regardless of age, could
EVER handle a crying
girl. It was like Kyptonite. He was as good as dead.
Kryptonite
Anubis ground his teeth. "Still carrying your >
torch, aren't
you? You'll never admit that anybody could be as
good, as noble, as...
as HOLY as you beloved saviour! Well here's a hint,
The 'you' before 'beloved' should be 'your'
=====
-----
L.A.
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