Okay, first of all, lotsa grammatical problems here. I don't have time
to point 'em all out, but mainly:
1) Dialog punctation: If the verb refers to the line of dialog, it's set
off by a comma, otherwise use a period.
2) Addressing the person to whom you're speaking: Always set the name
off with a comma (or two if you're in the middle of a sentence.)
Right, now onto the story. It's an engaging plot. Nice to see Akane
taking the center stage in this way, and she's handled well (except for
that cooking thing in the beginning, which I didn't really see the point
of.) I'm definitely interested to see how it'll progress.
A few complaints, though. First of all, Japanese cultural stuff is all
well and good -- it can definitely enhance the flavor of a story -- but
please put in enough context so that us igner'nt gaijin ^_^ can tell
what you're talking about. I have no idea what "yoki kataki" is, and
your fic really doesn't make it terribly clear.
Secondly, the villain. Obviously your goal is to make us dislike Oda,
and you've certainly succeeded; however, I think you went overboard. A
martial artist beating up a little girl? What next, drowning puppies
just for fun? :) I'd like to understand better *why* this guy does what
he does. You've shown us that he's a scumbag. Now what motivates him to
be a scumbag?
Finally, Cologne's Chinese name is Ke Lun, or K'e Lwun if you use the
old Wade-Giles romanization (in which case Shamps is Shan P'u.) This is
based on looking at the characters in the manga given for the names.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html