C&C is most welcome.
Well, good. :)
Here I'll add my 2 yen to the current discussion of why C&C and why it
falls off: I, personally, try to keep C&Cing a story once I've begun.
There are other factors, of course; I agree with those who have stated
that they don't continue to send C&C to a writer who does not appear to
appreciate it or, worse, does not respond at all. Kiss of death, folks.
Phil, however, rewards the C&C I send him with thoughtful and amusing
responses, and so I keep doing it.
<Insert Usual Disclaimer>
Ouch! :)
AKANE!!
Ranma screamed his grief and rage to the uncaring night.
His heart, his soul, gone, flown beyond the winds of
recall. Why had this happened?!
{Eek. Echoes of Jusendo, of course... very effective.}
This is what will be, a voice whispered in the darkness.
Who?! Who is there?! The darkness was silent. Answer me!
Ranma demanded.
{Thanks for not using oddball quote-marks here; they're unnecessary.}
The form that shimmered into view was stunningly
beautiful: a great crystalline spider of delicate
proportions. What little light in the darkness was caught
{missing verb? suggest} What little light relieved the darkness was
by the sharply-angled surfaces of its body, and reflected a
thousand-fold as dazzling rays of light.
"Death," Ranma whispered as he awoke to the dawn.
{Nice. I expect this dreaming strife to continue, at least until Ranma
comes to terms with his nature, and probably even after that, because
it's so appropriate for the external battles of the day to be reflected
in the internal battles of the night.}
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 5: Comes the Thunder
---
Climbing Fuji-san was a traditional lovers' past-time.
pastime.
Behind them, the mountainside slowly quieted. Tumbling
stones rolled to a rest in new locations, their mossy
undersides lying exposed to the harsh afternoon sun
{suggest} mossy sides {since moss doesn't really grow on the underside
of a rock...}
piercing the gloomy overcast. The swirling clouds of dust
thrown up by the recent upheavals settled once again.
Behind them, Kaminari-jinja patiently awaited its next
victims.
{Nice of Shukumaru to warn off unsought prey, I must say. :) }
Thankfully, the crowd faded a little as they approached
{suggest} crowd thinned a little
the Nagoya platform.
"Spatula Girl not come too late or none left," added
Shampoo. She toted a large pack that had a number of
interesting bulges. No weapons were in evidence which made
evidence, which
Nabiki wonder how she'd managed to squeeze them into the
pack. "Shampoo and Rose Girl take care of all."
"I must say that the Chinese commoner speaks the
unvarnished truth," Kodachi mused. "We shall have a
glorious time rescuing your mother, shall we not, Ranma-
sama?"
"Um, sure--"
"Who is Chinese commoner?! Rose Girl not know of what she
speak! Shampoo is greatest warrior of Joketsuzoku! Study to
become Matriarch - is no higher standing than Council of
Elders!" The Chinese Amazon looked ready to tear into her
snobbish opponent.
"Bah. And what of that? The Kuno Clan can trace their
heritage back to the first Emperor of Japan, Jimmu Tenno.
Legend has it that our ancestors were granted our demon-
hunting powers by Susanoo-oh himself: that, in itself, is
{er, it looks like you're using two Romanization methods in one word
there. It's tricky, I admit: I've seen it as Susanoo, Susano-o,
Susano'o, Susanowo, Susa-no-wo... if I could just find the kanji writing
of it, I could decide for myself. :) }
more than two thousand years of history," Kodachi finished
smugly.
"Hah! Chinese Amazon tribe come to new home in Warring
States time. Over _three thousand_ years of history..."
{heh. Amusing exchange, and true to both characters, IMO.}
Shampoo's voice faded into the background as Nabiki
approached her sister. Akane had yet to say a single word
in the conversation which was hardly like her. She stood
conversation, which
"Take care, Akane. Come home safe," Nabiki said, surprised
to find herself really meaning those words of concern. Of
course, if Akane didn't make it back... she'd have to marry
Ranma instead: a fate obviously worse than death.
{Oh, I'm sure she'd find a way to foist him onto Kasumi. :) }
Kodachi hid a sigh. The Tendo girl was simply wrong for
her beloved Ranma-sama. She treated him like a prize,
inviting all others to take him away. Well, the Black Rose
would accept that invitation, and Akane Tendo would learn
to her loss that prizes were won by the swiftest.
{suggest} to her sorrow
"Perhaps we may converse at the end of the carriage, Ranma-
sama." Kodachi stood up, intent on bearing her prize away.
{Speaking of treating him like a prize...}
She didn't succeed entirely. Comments from the remaining
trio chased after them.
"Airen, you speak with Shampoo on battle tactics after
this, okay?"
{heh. I like it when Shampoo's quick. :) }
"Why don't you sit down beside me, Ryoga-kun?"
"Ah-he-he, sure, Akane-san. Say, isn't that Sapporo that
we just passed?"
{Poor Ryoga. Between Akane, Akari (?), Kodachi, and Ranma's new powers
(and old ones), he's getting into a real bind here... heh.}
The change was almost instantaneous: she felt Ranma
suddenly tense up behind her.
A wave of chilling cold ran down her spine. Piercing, hot
{"chilling cold"? Sorry, but ugh. Say, how about "horripilation"? That
fits, and it's a neat word that ought to be used more.}
Kodachi took a deep, calming breath. What on earth had
just happened? Had Ranma-sama really--
{Good question. This will come up again, won't it?}
"So, for the moment, our purposes run alongside one
another. You wish to rescue your mother from her demonic
captors, and I shall have the chance to destroy more of the
hellspawn. But, ask yourself this, Ranma-sama, what are
But ask yourself this, Ranma-sama: what
your long-term plans?" Do you intend to claim your father's
title? Kodachi wondered. "Where will your path lead us
after this?"
"I dunno, Kodachi. First things first. We rescue Mom an'
wipe out as many demons as we can. Then, we can talk about
{suggest just} We can
the rest of it afterwards." He smiled, seemingly confident
of her involvement, and in truth, he was correct in doing
so, for otherwise, she would not already be present.
{Comma attack! :) I think it should be: }
He smiled, seemingly confident
of her involvement, and in truth he was correct in doing
so, for otherwise she would not already be present.
"That is well enough, Ranma-sama. I would prefer for us to
remain allies, and never enemies." Remembering the sudden
apprehension that had swept over her earlier, Kodachi
heartily reaffirmed that intent to herself.
{Good point. Even with her abilities, it's likely that, were Ranma to
yield to his demon nature and thereby become her enemy, he's be... um...
too much for her to handle. By all means, stay on good terms if at all
possible; strategy and desire agree on that.}
The wooden front gate of the Dojo swung open, creaking
slightly. The two girls spun round nervously, and Ukyo's
hand went to her battle-spatula, before they realized who
it was, and slowly relaxed.
was and
"Oh, this? I was sweeping Ranma's room and found it. I
thought it best to dispose of it before, it starts to
before it
smell." Kasumi lifted the covering cloth so both girls
could see.
"Eeew!" Nabiki quickly recoiled.
"What is that?" Ukyo asked in horrified fascination.
Kasumi's smile dimmed slightly. "A spider... I think."
{Chikumo, I presume... if so, the battle wasn't entirely internal.
Interesting.}
Musical chairs.
Ranma solemnly mused on that thought as he walked up the
worn track that led to Kaminari-jinja; it showed signs of
recent disturbance if the jumble of loose stones on the
path was any indication. He had never realized just how
passionately he loathed the game.
{hehe!}
Shampoo had roped him the
moment he had returned from the talk with Kodachi, and then
contrived to sit beside him on their return. Then, Akane
Then Akane
had pulled him away for a 'chat' that had consisted mostly
of stony silences.
{hehehehe! I can just see this. Akane: "..." Ranma: "..."}
On the left flank, things weren't going quite as well.
Nevertheless, Ryoga and Akane were doing an workmanlike job
on the mob before them. Ryoga laid about him with his metal
umbrella, virtually beating each of his opponents into the
{"virtually"? What's virtual about it? Ryoga is quite capable of
_actually_ beating an opponent into the ground...}
ground.
Akane had singled out a tentacled demon, and was
demon and
methodically slicing it apart, one tentacle at a time. A
{"Musabetsu Kakuto Tendo-ryu Ultimate Cooking Technique: Juusanbon
Oroshi!" :) }
dozen wriggling appendages were lying on the ground,
testamant to her skill with her mother's katana.
testament
Ranma shivered slightly as he watched her grin in delight.
Akane was quick to forgive and forget... most things.
Obviously, being groped by a perverted demon wasn't one of
those things.
{Aiyaa. Bad, bad move. Poor demon. Poor P-chan. :) }
Then, he saw them appear: Shukumaru, and his mother.
Then he {...} Shukumaru and
Dimly, he recalled Shampoo's chant at the
beginning of the battle, and his lips twisted briefly. Why
the hell not? Umibouzu! Under the contract that binds us,
I, Ranma Saotome, co--
{Nice notion, that Ranma would seize on Shampoo's example.}
was his mind. The words wisped before his eyes as the world
cleared before his eyes.
{Suggest not repeating "before his eyes"...}
results. And yet... she remembered those words: Take my
life then, but spare her.
life, then,
She had spurned that offer.
{<piku> Echoes of a situation Shukumaru was in at some previous time, I
take it? Fascinating.}
Tricked, she snarled within. Foolish, her mind cried.
"Death then, dear brother!"
"Death, then,
Her claws raked across the taut flesh of Nodoka's neck...
and skittered off harmlessly. Astonished, she glanced at
her victim and saw the blackness crawling over her body.
With an oath, Shukumaru lunged back to escape the seal that
surrounded Nodoka. The black tendrils expanded, covering
the frozen form beneath a shroud of night which shimmered
and pulsed fervently, streaming darkness into the air.
{"fervently"? Odd choice of word...}
Then, it was gone, and all that remained was emptiness.
Then it
"Brother, what have you done?" Shukumaru whispered.
Inwardly, she knew. Once before, she had been the victim.
{Oho. Well, partly oho. I expect you to clarify this at the proper time.
:) }
The earthquake staggered everyone upon that slope. The
ground shivered as though in fear, cracking and sundering
as though before a primal force. Ranma stumbled to one knee
{suggest, so as not to repeat "as though", and also because Raiha IS a
primal force} sundering before
as the surface beneath him heaved violently. Yet, he
knew... staring into Shukumaru's cold eyes, devoid of any
pity, he knew he wasn't even near the epicentre of the
quake. He stumbled upright and turned towards his friends.
In the brief instance of his confrontation with Shukumaru,
instants {?}
Then, the slope of Fuji-san exploded.
Then the
Stones, pebbles and bits of broken earth pelted her prone
body. A large rock struck her head and she winced in pain.
The world swum crazily around her, and she had to fight to
swam
regain her breath.
As though her thoughts had called it, the vulpine head
turned her way. Piercing cerulean eyes stared down upon her
as though contemplating a morsel to be devoured.
{There's that "as though" again, and again if Raiha is actually
contemplating her as a morsel to be devoured, it can be omitted...}
Akane's view of the creature was abruptly obscured by a
man-shaped shadow. "Ryoga-kun," she whispered in sudden
recognition.
"Stop! I won't let you harm, Akane-sa-- Ooof!" Ryoga's
harm Akane-sa-- {since he's not addressing her}
voice was cut off as a crackling blue paw swatted him into
the side of the mountain.
And then, there was nothing between the Thunderbeast and
then there
herself.
{Uh oh. However, a small voice tells me we're about to learn something
interesting about Akane's sword...}
---
Author's Notes:
1) 'Chikumo' translates as 'earth spider'; from 'chi'
which means 'earth', and 'kumo' meaning 'spider'.
2) 'Noboru Ishiyama' means 'stone mountain climb'; from
'ishi' which means 'stone', 'yama' meaning 'mountain',
and 'noboru' meaning 'climb'.
3) 'Tsuyu Kumori' means 'cloudy dew'; from 'tsuyu' which
means 'dew', and 'kumori' which means 'cloudiness'.
heh. I love this. I spend hours working up chracter names with hidden
meanings myself. Pointless, perhaps, but fun. :)
Moving right along, looks like. My taste would be for a bit less battle
and a bit more character interaction, and for somewhat less florid
language, but I certainly can't say the pace is harmed thereby. I
particularly like the hints that keep cropping up, and I hope you intend
to follow up on them.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst FFIRC Frog
Prime: seifertv@csus.edu
Backup: seifertv@myrealbox.com
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.