Hi,
My comments ##
From: "Stiffanie Flores" <stiffani@super.net.ph> |
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To: <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [Ranma][shortfic] A Moment of Truth
Date: Wed, 24 Nov 1999 20:39:28 +0800
<SNIP>
A Moment of Truth
A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Stiffanie Flores
Ukyou walked across the school grounds, scanning the
crowd anxiously.
"Where could he be?" she murmured to herself.
A flash of red caught her eye, and she turned. There
he was! He had
his back turned to her, and Ukyou gazed at his broad
shoulders and trim
back dreamily, watching as the lean muscles under his
shirt rippled as
he moved. Her heart skipped a beat, just as it always
did every time
she saw Ranma.
##Nice.
For a moment, she stood still, staring at his profile
as a goofy smile
spread across her face. She could stand here all day,
and stare at him
without growing tired of the way his eyes lit up when
he smiled, or the
way he ran his fingers through his unruly black hair.
Or the way his
voice gurgled as he choked on a bite of ... choked?!
##Cute
Startled out of her trance, she quickly ran forward,
careful not to
drop the box of okonomiyaki she held in one hand.
"What are you trying to do, kill me, you stupid
tomboy?!"
Ranma's voice rang out across the field, clear enough
for everyone to
hear. Ukyou stopped in her tracks, coming to stand a
few feet behind
Ranma. Around her, conversation ground to a halt, as
heads looked up in
expectation.
Akane jumped to her feet beside Ranma, glaring down at
him, her face
flushed with anger. Her hands clenched at her sides,
and she raised a
fist, drawing back her arm as she swung her open palm
towards Ranma's
face. Ukyou looked away, holding her breath as she
waited for the
inevitable.
##Ummm, A few too many "her" in a row. Not too bad but
you might want
to think about changing. Very nice in any case.
There was nothing but total silence for the next
couple of seconds.
Ukyou looked up cautiously. Akane was still standing
beside Ranma, her
arm raised, her whole body trembling with barely
contained anger. Tears
ran unchecked down her cheeks. Abruptly, she lowered
her arm, glaring
at Ranma hatefully one last time, before she whipped
around, running
away.
##Nice. I'm not too sure about the use of "hatefully".
Just does not feel
right. IMO you could just delete that and have her
glare at Ranma.
The emotion of the scene has already been set very
nicely
by the action.
Ukyou looked down at Ranma, as he stared after Akane's
retreating back.
Before Ukyou could move a step, he sprang to his feet,
running after
her. Ukyou watched as he caught up to Akane, laying a
hand on her
shoulder. Akane angrily shoved him away. Ranma
persisted, and Ukyou
could see his lips moving, but she was too far away to
hear what they
were saying. She watched helplessly as Akane's fist
crashed into
Ranma's face, sending him stumbling a few feet back
until he landed on
his rump.
Ranma sat unmoving, staring after Akane, even after
she'd disappeared
from sight. The other students, seeing that the
commotion was over,
returned their attention to their lunch boxes. Around
Ukyou, the
chattering grew steadily, as the students engaged once
again in their
conversation, quickly forgetting about Akane and
Ranma.
Ukyou made her way towards Ranma, keeping her eyes on
him worriedly as
she walked. He didn't even look up, as she came to a
stop beside him.
"Ranchan?" she began hesitantly. "I brought you some
lunch. Do you -"
Ranma stood up, his hand rubbing his cheek absently.
"No thanks,
Ucchan," he mumbled as he walked away. "Not very
hungry."
##IMO "I ain't very hungry." would sound more natural
for Ranma. This sounds too . . .normal. ^_^
Very good scene though.
Ukyou stared after him helplessly. She stepped
forward, intending to
catch up to him. A hand gripped her shoulder, and she
paused, turning
to see Nabiki. She looked at Ukyou silently, and shook
her head. Then,
letting go of Ukyou, Nabiki walked back to her
friends.
##This was a little confusing. I had to read a couple
of times to keep
straight who was talking to whom.
Ukyou sighed and turned around, walking back to class,
the box of
okonomiyaki forgotten in her hands.
***
"Two specials, please."
Ukyou looked up from her place at the grill. A couple,
hand in hand,
took their seats across each other at an empty booth.
The guy reached
across the table to take his girlfriend's hand. He
looked up at Ukyou,
repeating his order.
Nodding vigorously, Ukyou poured batter over her
grill, deftly flipping
an okonomiyaki with her spatula. Minutes later, she
sent two of her
special Japanese pizzas flying across the room,
landing with uncanny
accuracy at her customers' plates. There was a light
smattering of
applause from her customers, and she smiled in
appreciation.
Her eyes drifted over to the couple sitting across
from her. They were
just about her age. In fact, she thought they looked
vaguely familiar.
They probably went to Furinkan as well.
She watched longingly as the guy rubbed his thumb
gently over the
girl's knuckles, then his hand closed around hers,
completely engulfing her
small hand in his. He leaned over to whisper something
to her, and
Ukyou watched as a light blush crept up the girl's
cheeks as she
smiled.
##Very nice. Fits into story well.
Tearing her gaze away from the happy couple, she
busied herself with
wiping her counter clean. Involuntarily, the image of
Ranma sprang up
in her mind. She closed her eyes for a moment, losing
herself in her
reverie. Ranma, handsome in his black tuxedo, sitting
across from her
at a posh restaurant, as they shared a quiet,
candlelit dinner. He
laughed as she entertained him with one of the funny
stories from their
childhood, then, abruptly, he reached across the
table, laying his hand
over hers. She raised her eyes to his, to find him
gazing at her
tenderly...
She shook her head slowly, hurriedly blinking back
tears she refused to
shed in front of her customers. She didn't need a
fancy restaurant, or
formal clothes, or a romantic dinner for two. All she
wanted was for
him to look at her with love.
##VERY nice.
"Hey, Ucchan."
Startled, Ukyou looked up to see Ranma plopping down
on one of her
stools at the counter. He looked absolutely dejected,
she thought. His
eyes were unusually downcast, as he slumped forward on
his seat.
Attempting a bright smile for him, she quickly whipped
up one of her
okonomiyakis, using the special recipe she knew was
his favorite.
"Hungry, Ranchan?" she asked cheerfully.
"Yeah, a little," he muttered. "Didn't get any lunch."
She plopped the okonomiyaki down on a plate and set it
in front of him.
"Thought you said you weren't hungry," she said
accusingly.
Ranma shrugged. "Lost my appetite, I guess."
Ukyou watched as he picked at his food half-heartedly.
Usually he'd be
gobbling down everything in a bite and asking her for
seconds. Even if
he was in a bad mood, she knew that some good food
would perk him right
up.
She took a deep breath. "Something wrong, Ranchan?"
she asked
tentatively, already dreading hearing his answer. But
she had to ask.
Because she knew, that's why he came here. Because he
needed someone to
talk to.
And she wanted him to know, "Ucchan" would always be
here for him. And
she'd always hoped, that one day, he'd realize that,
and then he would
love her, as much as she loved him...
"Come on, tell me," she prodded gently, when he
remained silent. "Maybe
I can help," she said, a little too cheerfully.
Ranma didn't look up as he spoke. "I didn't know."
She frowned. "Didn't know what?"
His hand tightened on his chopsticks. "I didn't know
that today was her
birthday, that she stayed up half the night to make
that special lunch
for me. I noticed she was in an unusually good mood
today, but I didn't
know ... until Kasumi told me."
Ukyou struggled to keep her voice steady. "That was
her special lunch,
today at school?"
Ranma hung his head. "I didn't know. It - it was just
so bad. I
almost threw up trying to swallow it.
##Hmmmm. OK, I can see where this fits into the story.
However
"Akane's bad cooking." is a fanfic cliche at this
point. IMO this
needs a little tweaking to keep it to the level of the
rest of the
story (which is VERY good). Either change the argument
to
something else OR get rid of the "almost threw up".
"it was just
so bad" is sufficient.
I couldn't help it, the words
just came out. And then, she just stared at me. I
thought she was
gonna hit me, but then, she just ran away. And she
didn't even tell
me - " The chopsticks snapped into two. Ranma didn't
seem to notice.
He continued to grip the broken pieces in his hand,
the jagged edges
digging into his skin.
Ukyou winced, reaching over to pry the broken
chopsticks out of his
hand. "What should I do, Ucchan?" she heard him say
softly.
Ukyou held onto the counter to steady herself. "What
do you think?"
He shook his head. "I don't know. After Kasumi told
me, I went up to
her room, I tried to talk to her - she wouldn't let me
in. I want to
apologize, but she won't even talk to me..."
"Maybe you should give it more time," she suggested
quietly. "She'll
come around."
##Hmmm. Nice story thus far. However this seems a
little <BG> OOC for Ukyou.
She's not this nice and understanding in manga/anime.
(Re: Cave of Lost Love, Secret Sauce, etc)
Also, "she suggested" and "She'll come around" that
close together is a bit confusing.
"Yeah, I hope so. The last time I saw her this angry,
it was when
Ryouga accidentally cut her hair. But then, she didn't
look quite so
angry back then ..."
##Ummm, this is a little awkward. "The last time I was
her this angry" &
"she didn't look quite so angry" sounds contradictory.
I suggest a re-write.
And, again, this seems insufficient provocation to
make Akane this angry.
True she has a temper. However cutting hair has a
great deal of significance
among traditional Japanese on several levels. Food is
also significant so this is
a judgement call. And at the time of the hair cutting
Akane and Ranma had
not known each other very long, which could have
contributed to her anger.
IMO the use of Akane's cooking as a source of
argument, while legitimate,
has been reduced to cliche and in this particular
instance is used in too heavy
handed a manner. Especially when compared with the
deft touch used elsewhere
in the story.
He looked up. "I want to do something for her,
Ucchan. What can I do?"
She closed her eyes, swallowing painfully. "I - I
don't know."
"Come on, Ucchan," he pleaded, oblivious to her
distress. "You have to
have some idea."
Ukyou looked at him. "What?" he asked impatiently. His
eyes filled
with panic, as he stared at her. "You don't have any
idea?"
##awkward and choppy.
Minutes ago, she'd wished Ranma would look at her with
longing in his
eyes. Now, here he was. Who said wishes didn't come
true? They did,
just not the way you wanted.
<g>
<SNIP>
Even though Ucchan's was only open after
school hours, and in the weekends, she made a thriving
business.
## "on the weekends", "had a thriving"
<SNIP>
As much as she tried to deny it, Ukyou knew Akane was
the closest thing
to a rival she had for Ranchan's love. Akane lived
with Ranma. Ate
with him. Went to school with him. And if that wasn't
enough, family
honor demanded that Ranma marry Akane. After all, the
agreement with
the Tendos held precedence over all the other
engagements.
##Ummmm, there is some argument over this, �else there
would be
no argument over this. ^)^
And Ukyou of ALL people would, IMO, would NEVER admit
or
acknowledge ANY other engagement had precedence over
hers.
<SNIP>
The sound of a dog barking startled her, and Ukyou
looked up, realizing
that she was standing outside the Tendo dojo. She
whacked herself
lightly on her forehead as she turned to walk back to
her restaurant.
What was it with this family? Even as she walked
aimlessly to enjoy the
night air, she still found herself being drawn to the
Tendos. Was this
how Ryouga felt?
##Cute.
Ukyou snickered softly to herself as she thought of
the bandanna-clad boy. Too bad her plan to set him up
with Akane hadn't
worked, though...
<SNIP>
Akane shook her head. "You already apologized for
that, remember?
That's enough." She blushed. "Was it really that bad?"
she asked
timidly.
Ranma paled. "A little...No! Not really... I mean..."
Akane managed a small smile. "It's okay. I know it was
pretty bad."
"You'll get better with practice, Akane." Ranma looked
at her
uncertainly. "Won't you?"
##LOL
<SNIP>
Her subconscious chose this moment to take her back
through time. She saw six-year old Ranma, sitting on
top of their
okonomiyaki cart, waving goodbye to her cheerfully as
he walked out of
her life, leaving her alone.
Alone...
Tears burned her vision, and this time, she made no
effort to contain
them. "Goodbye, Ranchan," she whispered softly. "I
love you."
<SNIP>
Overall: Very nice. Some ragged spots. Especially
using
Akane's cooking as a motivation for a fight. And the
idea
that Ukyou is a �pal' is also pretty much a fanfic
convention.
That said, this is a very nice story. IMO it could be
much better
after fixing some of these plot points. Dialogue and
scene setting
range from very good to superb.
=====
When I get a little money, I buy books;
And, if any is left, I buy food and clothes."-Erasmus
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