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Ranma 1/2: The Mystery and the Reason Why
By Jack Staik
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The Master of Anything-Goes Martial Arts drew himself up to
his full height (about the same as a teddy bear), and gazed
levelly at his two one-time students.
Soun and Genma, blood of his blood (ten generations diluted,
but still his blood); the thought depressed him.
If he had his choice, he would never have allowed his
grandchildren to marry into the Saotome and Tendo families
back in the eighteenth century - if for no other reason than
to prevent such stupidity from being born.
But he had no choice about that. Just as he had no choice
but to use these two idiots.
"Report," he snapped.
"We left the children alone tonight, Master," Soun reported
in a grovelling tone, his face in the dirt. "Sake was
provided, and the television had every channel locked off
except the Romantic Movie Channel and the All-Sex Channel.
It was even a stormy night."
Genma wailed. "A perfect opportunity for romance, and my
worthless son blew it!"
"And my stupid dyke daughter didn't even notice!" Soun
agreed.
Happosai waved his hand, scaring the two men(?) into
silence. "We must continue. Ranma and Akane *must* marry!
The survival of the world as we know it depends on it!"
Genma and Soun grovelled their agreement, thought they did
not understand.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nabiki put down the earpiece. Planting a bug on her father
appears to have been a good investment.
<'The survival of the world'?> she wondered. <The survival
of the world depends on Ranma and Akane having a baby?? And
*Happosai's* in on it??>
"Something screwy's goin' on here," Nabiki whispered to
herself, "No one keeps a secret from Nabiki Tendo! I'll find
out what it is - *and* make a profit off of it!"
Nabiki opened the secret shrine she kept in her closet. It
was decked out in Shinto style, but the icon wasn't Shinto.
It was the spirit that Nabiki had chosen as her personal
patron - the Catholic Christian Saint Dismas, patron of
thieves, merchants, and confidence artists.
Nabiki sat in lotus position and meditated upon the virtues
of her guardian spirit, seeking the inspiration to plan the
next step.
St Dismas did not fail her.
* * * * * * * * * *
Nodoka Saotome looked across the restaurant table at Nabiki
Tendo, who was currently eating an ice cream cone and
looking very innocent and trustworthy (a look she practiced
in front of the mirror every night).
"You said you wished to speak to me, Nabiki?"
Nabiki nodded. "I was wondering if you were interested in
this marriage between Ranma and Akane."
Nodoka looked primly shocked. "Of course I'm 'interested'!
The happiness of my son - and the honor of my clan - is very
important to me!"
"So you don't know anything about why Happosai is ordering
Daddy and Uncle Genma to sabotage their relationship?"
Nodoka's face got very calm. "What are you talking about?"
"Just what I said," Nabiki said. <One part lie, four parts
truth, mix carefully, display properly - voila, instant
provocation.>
Nabiki started to tick off points on her fingers. "They know
that Ranma and Akane are strong-willed, yet they constantly
try to force them together, which makes them reject each
other violently."
"They're young and shy," Nodoka argued.
"Whenever they're alone together, and they try to get
romantic, they burst in on them, usually in the most obvious
and embarrassing way possible, spoiling any romantic mood."
Nodoka looked uncertain. "This has happened before?"
"At least twenty times that I know of. And whenever Ranma
and Akane fight - which they do frequently - they always
both take one side, which makes the other one feel
persecuted, which makes the fight worse."
Nodoka looked worried. "This can *not* be good."
Nabiki nodded her agreement. "The two of them would likely
fall in love on their own, but they never have a chance. It
seems like every time they go on a date, rivals and suitors
jump out of the woodwork. It's as if someone tells them
what's happening."
Nodoka shook her head in disbelief.
"Not to mention," Nabiki prodded. "Both Daddy and Genma
arranged *other* engagements for their children years ago -
Daddy with the Chardins, and Genma with the Kuonjis."
Nodoka went from 'disbelieving' to 'slow burn'. "And they
seem to have conveniently forgotten to mention this."
"Odd, isn't it?" Nabiki finished, driving the final nail,
"And the way Ranma and Genma disappear whenever you show up.
Almost like Genma was hiding him from you, so you couldn't
remind him of his duty - or give him romantic advice."
The look of anger in Nodoka's eyes made cold chills run up
and down Nabiki's spine.
"And you say Happosai is responsible for this?"
"I heard him giving them orders."
Nodoka stood up. "Thank you, Nabiki-chan, for bringing this
to my attention."
"As long as my baby sister is happy, that's all that
matters." As Nabiki got up, she handed Nodoka back her
katana - now with a listening device attached.
As Nodoka departed, Nabiki patted herself on the back. Of
course, Soun and Genma were trying to get Ranma and Akane
*together*, it was their incompetence that forced the two
further apart (if the Old Farts had just asked her, she
could have gotten the kids together the night they met, and
made them think it was their own idea).
Still, Nodoka would get a confession out of either them or
Happosai, even if a few innocent bystanders were
accidentally fragged. And Nabiki's little bug would pick up
every word.
"Thank you, St Dismas."
* * * * * * * * * *
"Suppertime!" Kasumi called out.
As usual, Ranma and Genma were the first ones seated, even
though they weren't even the first in the room.
"Ah, it looks delicious, Kasumi-chan!" Genma said
enthusiastically.
"I'm so glad you approve, husband," Nodoka said from behind
him.
Genma turned as white as a ghost and held up a sign that
said [I'm just a cute l'il panda].
(Had he been in his panda form, the sign might have been
believable.)
"Hello, Ranma," Nodoka said evenly.
"H-hi, Mom," Ranma stammered, torn between his desire to hug
his mother and his desire not to be disemboweled.
"Ranma, Akane, I wish to speak to you privately."
As the young couple got up, confusion and worry on their
faces, Nabiki spoke up. "Hey! What about *them*?" she said,
indicating Soun and Genma.
"They're next."
Nabiki looked at the departing forms. <Damn! Instead of
bullying the secret out of these two, she's just removing
Akane and Ranma from the free-fire zone. I didn't anticipate
this!>
<Besides, a Nerima without Ranma is a lot less profitable.>
Nabiki wondered how she could reassert control when the
answer bounded in the door, a bag of panties over his
shoulder.
"What a haul!" he crowed.
"A shame that Auntie Nodoka showed up, eh, Daddy?" Nabiki
commented.
"Yes," he agreed absently. "A tragedy."
"She'll undo all your work with Ranma and Akane, y'know,"
she continued. "Who *knows* when they'll fall for each other
- if ever."
Happosai jerked in shock. "NOOOOOOOOO!!!" he exclaimed,
zipping toward the den.
<Gawd, wotta sucker,> she thought, adjusting her earpiece.
* * * * * * * * * *
"It's come to my attention," Nodoka said calmly, that the
two of you have been subjected to an unusual amount of
bullying concerning your relationship."
"We don't *have* a relationship!" they both exclaimed
perfectly synchronized.
"Precisely," she agreed. "You two don't know how you feel.
So, to find out, I'm going to take the two of you away to my
place for a month or so."
"A *month*?!?" Akane protested. "I've got friends -
schoolwork -"
"Are you cancelling the engagement, then?" Nodoka asked. "If
so, it will be considered final. No second chances. If you
do not go, you will no longer be engaged to Ranma, nor will
you ever be his fiancee, ever again."
Akane balked. "I- I -"
"Well?"
Akane silently nodded. "I'll go."
"NOOOOOOO!!!" Happosai screamed, grabbing Nodoka by the
wrist and zipping through the window.
Nodoka screamed as Happosai dragged her into the night,
flapping behind him like C-Ko.
* * * * * * * * * *
Ranma and Akane ran through the dining room, dashing out the
back door.
"Happosai's kidnapped Auntie Nodoka!" Akane screamed.
Soon, four figures were bounding across the rooftops; Ranma
and Akane, followed by Soun in full samurai garb and Genma
in panda-form, a golf bag of weaponry (normal and
improvised) over his shoulder.
Akane glanced at the two older men. "Didn't you two always
say that a martial artist who relies on weapons is a lesser
fighter than a bare-handed one?"
Genma-panda held up a sign. [It's taken you all this time to
figure out we're hypocrites?!?] it read.
"C'mon!" Ranma barked. "They went this way!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Nodoka only got a glimpse of an old house before Happosai
dragged her through a window and tossed her in a corner.
"I don't know what you're up to, bitch, but you won't stop
me! Ranma and Akane *will* get married, no matter what you
do!"
"I'm trying to prevent *you* from breaking them up, you
dishonorable degenerate!" Nodoka snarled, unsheathing her
katana.
"Wait a second!" Happosai protested. "You want them to
marry?!?"
"Yes! My family's honor - and my son's happiness - depend on
it!" Nodoka paused. "You mean that you *want* them to
marry?"
"Of course! That's why I've had those idiots Genma and Soun
try to bring them together!"
"Well," Nodoka said, bringing her katana down, "It seems
that you've had the opposite effect. They're close to
breaking up,."
"NO! THEY CAN'T!"
"That's why I'm taking them to my home - to allow them to
fall in love naturally, away from the ... distractions of
Nerima."
Happosai nodded. "Good. I approve."
Nodoka looked into his eyes, and saw that he was speaking
the truth. "Why does this marriage matter to you?" she
asked.
"There are Mysteries in this world, child, that are not for
you to know," Happosai said mysteriously.
Then he loomked Nodoka over apprasingly. "But there are
*other* mysteries that you're well-suited to learn, my
dear." <GLOMP!!>
"YAAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
<CRASH!!> "LEGGO OF MY MOTHER, YA SICK LITTLE FREAK!!"
* * * * * * * * * *
After nearly seven hours of continuous beating, Happosai was
in fairly good shape. The doctors said he shouldn't even be
alive.
(The nurses who tended him were of the same opinion - he
*shouldn't* be alive. Especially with two operational
hands.)
Nabiki snuck into the hospital room, careful not to awaken
the traction-harness-ensnared Happosai. A search through his
room at home had produced nothing except a feeling of
nausea, so she figured that he'd have something on his
person.
Stopping only to make sure he was drugged enough not to
notice her, she carefully went to the closet and began
inspect his personal belongings.
Most of what she found was disappointing: A few thousand
yen, many photos of Ranma-onna (and a few of Akane), several
sets of female underwear, and a legal document in English
warning him to stay a minimum of five hundred yards from one
'Dolly Parton' or face prison time. Nothing unexpected.
Then she noticed a lump in his robe. A hidden pocket?
A bit of scouting, and she figured out how to open it.
Inside was a flat, rectangular box of polished wood, carved
with an ancient Chinese scene of a man climbing a mountain.
Nabiki had seen such things before. They usually held old
pictures; woodcuts, old ink drawings, and such. Newer ones
held photographs, but this one was of great antiquity - too
precious for casual use. Hand-carved, with incredibly fine
deatil-work, and from the way the wood grain on the two
halves matched, carved from a single piece of wood. It
practically qualified as a musuem piece.
Nabiki carefully opened it and looked at the contents.
* * * * * * * * * *
When Happosai awoke from his drug-induced slumber, the first
thing he saw was Nabiki Tendo.
"Why, Nabiki-chan!" he crowed. "Come to see old Grandfather
Happosai on his sick-bed! How that warmsme! Lean over and
give me a kiss!"
"Eat shit and die, Old Fart," she said calmly. "No way am I
leaning over *you*!"
"Oh well, can't blame an old man for trying."
"Sure I can. Watch me."
"Well, then, sweetie, what brings you by?"
Nabiki held up the picture-box she'd found.
Happosai became enraged, his battle-aura flaming. "YOU WENT
THROUGH MY PRIVATE THINGS?!?"
"Stow it, Happi," she said. "Explain!"
"Explain what?"
"THIS!" she barked, opening the case.
The room was silent for several minutes.
"Well?" she demanded.
Happosai looked her in the face. Somehow, he looked even
older than his true age. "I was a ... foundling. I have no
memory of my parents. When I was found on a hillside as a
child, over three hundred years ago, I had only one thing in
my possession - that picture. The people who found me say I
looked exactly like the child in that picture when I was
found. I assume that the people in the picture with me are
my ... my natural parents."
"That isn't possible," Nabiki protested.
"I know. But it's true."
Nabiki looked again at the picture ...
An old Polaroid, slightly faded. A pigtailed man and a
short-haired woman, smiling and happy, with a toddler.
And behind them, a banner reading, "Happy 5th Anniversary
Ranma and Akane".