Sorry, I have been lazy again and I have not been working on this fic until
recently. Anyway, let me know if you have any comments. =) I'm rather fussy
when it comes to details. ^^;
Alright, to tell the truth, I was pretty racked up at school that I didn't
work on this fic until recently. ^^; I was so engrossed with scoring good
grades and getting brilliant results in exams that I have totally abandoned
fanfic writing. Anyway, this is the second chapter and I have a feeling
that this fic is going to be a reeeeeaalllly long one. x_x All comments are
welcome and flames deleted. =)
For the previous chapter, please go to my website: http://hotohori.uhome.net
Siew Lee
E-mail: yume@hotohori.uhome.net
Website: http://hotohori.uhome.net
UIN: #14025577
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Dreams in the Dark
Part 1 : Embracing the Sword (Chapter 2)
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The morning market was very busy and noisy. Aoshi tilted his
head up, only to see a flock of birds flying past in a large and
clamorous group. He adverted his attention to the people walking past
him. Women, men and children - there were an uncountable number of
figures going about their chores and duties.
Never in his life he had seen such an enormous crowd. Aoshi
sighed wistfully. He was only allowed to be outside those forbidding
walls of the Matsudaira mansion during the festive season.
Aoshi drifted along with the crowd, trying to keep Okina's slim
frame within his sight. Idly, he too gazed at the merchandise on sale
under those colorfully painted umbrellas. As he walked past a stall
selling porcelain ware, a brightly colored china figurine dressed in
a cherry pink kimono caught his attention. Too engrossed with the
porcelain doll, Aoshi squeezed in through the horde of people and he
walked closer to the roadside stall, his eyes fixing their curious
stare on it. *Looks like one of haha-ue's kimonos...* Aoshi reached
out a shaking finger to touch its face gently, relishing the cool
touch.
"Aoshi, stop dreaming," snapped a voice above his head and
Aoshi turned to look at Okina's weather beaten face. "C'mon, boy.
I'll get some new clothes for you before meeting Okashira. Won't want
you to go in these rags, right?"
Aoshi simply nodded and followed the man's footsteps. He had
never been to such morning markets. Haha-ue never wanted him go out
by himself. Aoshi forcefully repressed the welling sorrow in the pit
of his gut.
Okina had told him a lot of things that day which made his
young mind think.
A true man mustn't shed tears.
A true man only shed blood.
A true man also didn't show his innermost feelings.
Suddenly, Aoshi felt so lowly and self-conscious. Had he
disgraced his family with his tears? Had he thrown his honor away
like that? Haha-ue had always told him to live with honor.
Honor, honor, honor.
To the little boy, there was no honor involved in begging Okina
to take him to the Oniwabanshuu, but his mother had asked him to take
revenge. Why revenge? Aoshi shook his head slowly and fidgeted with
his fingers.
Revenge was such a powerful word; a word which contained so
much hatred and agony. He felt imprisoned, locked away in a world of
anger and misery. Practically everyone he knew was dead, murdered in
a cruel fashion.
He had done almost nothing but cry, cry, and cry.
The poor boy wrapped his fragile arms around his body, as
though he was battered by chilly drafts. He was so ashamed of
himself, for he had done nothing to keep up his family name.
*Maybe it would have been better for me to die along with
them...*
Haha-ue had always told him to endure and be patient while at
home and taking revenge for anything was totally out of question. A
string of names streamed out in his mind... Yorihisa, Kanemori,
Sanetoki, Kasuga and Yoshi... All of his three half brothers and two
half sisters were killed. He should feel traumatized as his family
members were dead, but Aoshi could feel a little twinge of relief.
Why?
While trying to catch up to Okina, memories of his life in the
house of Matsudaira began flashing back endlessly. The hurt and
demoralization he suffered at the merciless hands of his step-family
all because of the fact that he was the son of a second wife, son of
a secondary consort to his powerful father.
Son of a lowly concubine. Son of an ex-entertainer.
True, chichi-ue was rich and powerful, but no-one outside the
forbidden walls of his home ever knew the naked truth.
Living there was worse than suffering in the eighteenth floor
of hell. Why was he given second-class treatment? He also carried the
Matsudaira name!
The life there was... mechanical. It is almost plausible to
believe that everything had been arranged for him up to the point of
his bedtime.
Physical and mental torture were another situation which he was
forced to endure.
In everyone's presence and in the face of honored guests, he
was forced to call that old hag of chichi-ue's 'haha-ue' and the
smirks he received from her had carved a deep wound in his heart.
Aoshi sniffed a little as tears threatened to fall from his eyes.
Reminiscences of his mother crying silently in that room he shared
with her still haunted him.
Haha-ue absolutely dreaded the arrival of that petite servant-
girl who carried that old hag's *invitation* for dinner. Aoshi
clenched his fist and sucked in his breath deeply. As a child, he
wasn't allowed to eat with haha-ue on the adults' table. Instead, he
had to eat with other children and they would bully him by taking
away all his food.
To Aoshi, going to bed with an empty stomach was nothing.
Seeing his mother with welts and bruises all over her body and face
was something else. That old woman would ask a servant to send him
back to the room which he and his mother shared and haha-ue would
remain under her mercy until midnight. Every time she came back,
there would be some sort of injury on her torso and Aoshi could only
watch her suffer in silence. He did shed tears for her, but he would
never let haha-ue see his tears for it wouldn't lessen her pain.
For many times a season, haha-ue would just sit there with all
her finery and makeup, shedding bitter tears for hours. He would just
sit there, watching the rivulets of saltwater running down her cheeks
and wetting the collar of her pink kimono. Her face was powdered a
ghastly white by pounded rice flour, giving her a ghostly appearance.
The only bit of color was at her delicately painted lips and her eyes
were dimmed, as if she had lost hope in life.
Her expression was almost ghostly to him and the rice flour
made it worse. His mother had became another person to him.
A stranger.
No, he would never want to see another woman wearing makeup.
Never in his life he would want to see a woman holding a box of
oshiroi.
He felt so disgusted himself to see a woman's face painted with
unnatural substances. It made him sick; so sick that he wanted to
throw up.
There was once when haha-ue told him that living with honor was
the greatest thing to any respectable warrior.
He must live with honor.
When haha-ue said that, she sounded so remorseful and bitter,
and he could only nod in muted response. He could never understand
those tears shed by a woman. Maybe he was already numb from all that
crying and weeping. He wept because of the fear which ravaged his
waking hours, but haha-ue's tears were shed out of so many different
factors combined together.
Maybe they were shed for a little bastard son of a daimyo.
Suddenly, he hated himself for being so weak. He hated himself
for being so powerless to do anything.
Matsudaira Aoshi was one useless being on the face of this
world.
Chichi-ue had never talked to him of his own free will.
Matsudaira Aoshi was just a name entitled to him, but his father
never treated him like his other children, not to mention the fact
that he was never home throughout the entire year. As a young child,
he would stand by the side of the living room with haha-ue, watching
his half siblings laugh and rejoiced at those gifts his father
brought back from his trips to Kyoto. Somehow, he never received
anything from chichi-ue.
Maybe he was just a forgotten child.
Chichi-ue was just a distant figure to the boy, one that he
looked up to with pride from afar. He never quite plucked up enough
courage to speak to him, or at least greet him. After all, he was
just a forgotten child.
That old hag he was forced to call haha-ue in front of everyone
else was one cruel woman, but the word 'family' was not within his
grasp anymore. At least he had a family and a home then.
There was no 'family' nor 'home' for him to return to now.
He was alone in this wide world without any friend or relative.
Tears brimmed in his eyes again and he had to bite his lower
lip to keep his emotions under control. "No, Matsudaira Aoshi. You
mustn't disgrace haha-ue like that. You mustn't disgrace your family
name with tears. I mustn't cry!" whispered Aoshi sternly and clutched
the hem of his yukata tightly with his small fingers. "Haha-ue told
me to live with honor and behave like a pure man. Okina also said
so."
"Hoi, Aoshi. Are you coming with me or not? If not, I'll leave
you here!" shouted a voice and Aoshi looked up in shock. He nodded
subtly and began walking towards Okina again.
"Aoshi, we need to be quick if you want to meet Okashira. He
will be expecting us today," sighed Okina in a softer tone and
kneeled down on one knee as his right hand reached up to caress the
boy's silky hair, sympathy overwhelming him. "Now wipe your tears
dry. I hate to see boys crying."
"Okina, I promise I won't cry again..." voiced out the boy, his
lower lip trembling from emotion. He took a deep breath and looked
into Okina's eyes intently. "Okina, is it true that a warrior must
have honor?" asked Aoshi in a squeaky voice, soft and trembling. He
cringed at the tone of his own voice, disgusted at his own fear.
Okina flashed him a curious look but sighed softly when the boy
pressed on. "My boy, every single being must have honor, or that
person will cease to live in this world. Simply, honor gives us a
target and a cause to continue living. It's better to die than to
live without honor."
"I don't understand."
"It is also better to live with honor than to die without
honor."
"I... I still don't understand," blurted out Aoshi.
"You will, when you have to choose between honor or death.
You'll see things clearly, one day."
Aoshi nodded slightly and watched Okina get up onto his feet
again. "Alright, boy. Let's get going," smiled Okina and heaved the
boy up, carrying him. "If we walk at this pace, we won't get to the
clothes shop in time. I don't want someone dressed so shabbily
turning up in the Aoiya."
Aoshi nodded again and smiled. Okina gave a slight nod and
lifted him up and carried him in his arms. Aoshi looked back at the
path he had walked through with an optimistic grin.
*Haha-ue, I'll live with honor and die with honor.*
---------------------------------------------------------------------
"Aoshi, you wait here while I call for someone," ordered Okina
and placed the boy down on a short wooden stand in front of a
shop house. Aoshi looked up at the name plaque on the front of the
building and read out the two kanji based on the small hiragana
below. "Ao... i... ya..." mumbled Aoshi softly. "Ryo... ri..."
whispered Aoshi also and shot the closed front of the shop a look.
"Okina, why is the restaurant closed?" asked the boy innocently, his
arms clutching a paper-wrapped package preciously against his chest.
"Aoshi, I told you to wait, not ask stupid questions," replied
Okina hastily and rolled his eyes. "Gouji!" shouted Okina and tapped
his foot impatiently on the wooden floor planks beneath him. "Gouji,
it's me!"
"Huh, Okina?" answered a squeaky voice and a pair of beady
eyes peeked out from a small panel at the entrance. Aoshi squinted
and managed to make out a faint outline of an enormous body through
the narrow opening. "Who is he?" asked the man and gestured at Aoshi
with his pudgy chin.
"I'll tell you when you let us in," sighed Okina and took Aoshi
by his hand. The oversized man nodded slightly and moved aside
clumsily as he removed a plank, opening a narrow gap for them to walk
in.
Squeezing through the planks, Okina walked sideways and eased
himself into the interior of building before leading Aoshi's small
body through the same opening. Clumsily, Gouji placed the plank back
into its original position with a soft thud.
Aoshi's eyes widened at the sight of the dimly lit space before
him. Low lying tables were arranged orderly together with neatly
placed sitting mats. Small bouquets of tiny purplish flowers adorned
each corner of the big room. "Aoshi, I said stop dreaming," ordered
Okina sternly and slapped Aoshi gently on the head. Aoshi looked up
at him with thoughtful eyes. Seeing the boy's facial expression,
Okina couldn't bring himself to reprimand him anymore. He sighed and
turned to Gouji, "Where's Okashira?"
"Okashira went out for some meeting in the shogun's castle. He
will be back by night time. Who is this boy?" asked Gouji in return
and gave the young boy a long hard stare.
"None of your business," answered Okina simply and walked
towards the staircase hidden behind an elaborate screen painting.
"Your illegitimate son, ne?"
Okina stopped in his tracks. "Gouji, don't make me tear out
your mouth," snapped the man and gave the pudgy man a warning look.
The large man shrunk down and flashed a toothy grin.
"Okay, okay, Okina. You know I'm just joking!" apologized Gouji
with a sheepish smile and scratched his head.
"C'mon, Aoshi. I have things to tell you," said Okina and led
Aoshi up the stairs. Okina finished the entire flight of stairs and
dragged a sliding door open, revealing a tranquil setting within it.
"Get into the room," said Okina and slid the door shut after leading
Aoshi and himself into it.
"Okina, do you live here?" asked Aoshi eagerly and fingered a
paper origami crane gently. "Okina, do you like swords?" asked the
boy again as the two swords displayed on a wooden stand caught his
eye.
"Don't ask so many questions," growled Okina softly and sat
down before placing his tonfa carefully on the table.
"Go... Gomen nasai," apologized Aoshi and sat down quietly.
Silence. Five minutes passed without a single sound from the
duo except for their soft and even breathing.
"Aoshi, do you want to stay here?" asked Okina gruffly and
shot the boy an expectant look. "Your entire family is already dead,
by the way, and you have no place to go."
"I... I don't know," whispered the boy softly and pinned his
eyes on his fidgeting fingers.
"Yes, or no."
"Y... Yes," whispered Aoshi again and bit his lower lip. "Haha-
ue is not here anymore, but I believe she is living happily high
above me in a place where she will never cry ever again."
"Why do you think so?"
"Be... Because haha-ue is my haha-ue. She is the only one who
never shouted at me and shoved me," answered Aoshi in a choked voice,
desperately battling with his tears, his promise about not crying
again momentarily forgotten.
"That means whoever that shouted at you deserves to go down
below after their death? Including me? Do you think I deserve to go
straight to the eighteenth floor of hell?" questioned Okina, raising
his left eyebrow in a gesture of suspicion. *Kami-sama... Did this
boy go through hell? He is only six, but considering the fact he
belongs to the Matsudaira clan, he should have better control of his
public expressions...*
Aoshi looked up in shock. "No... No... I don't mean it to be
this way..."
"Then?" asked Okina in a near whisper, his gaze growing hard
and stern. *That boy... I need to toughen him up when I have time.*
"I... I mean... I mean all my family members are cold to me and
only haha-ue protects me all along... No-one ever speaks up for me."
Okina heaved a small sigh. "Alright, boy. Now, go wash your
face and get cleaned up. The furo is next door," urged Okina, still
seated in his meditating position. "I'll take you to the Okashira
when he comes back."
"Thank you, Okina," whispered the boy softly before getting up
slowly.
"Wait, Aoshi. When Okashira questions you, don't answer
anything. You just keep quiet and I'll do the talking."
Aoshi nodded solemnly and walked out of the room before
dragging the sliding door back into its original position.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A pair of gray-blue eyes stared into a pool of clear water. The
face in water was dirty and smudged, and it looked back at him like
some savage animal. Aoshi looked at his reflection in the wooden
basin; he wasn't the youngest master of the Matsudaira household
anymore. He was only... Aoshi.
He sat down on the wooden stool beside the built in wooden
bathtub, his trembling hands clutching the rim of the small
washbasin. His slight hand movements created some mild ripples across
the calm surface and his image slowly distorted.
Aoshi looked into it thoughtfully. Softly, he repeated a phrase
that he had heard for countless times throughout his childhood:
'There was only one way out for a true man who brought shame to his
family name - death.'
Death was such a strong punishment.
Playfully, Aoshi began to toy with the idea of life after
death. He visualize gigantic onis and total darkness where even those
who were blessed with perfect eyesight were rendered blind. What lay
in path for a soul after death? Emptiness; or a nirvana? Aoshi gazed
into his reflection. Haha-ue wanted him to seek revenge for the
Matsudaira clan, but why? His eyebrows furrowed together as he
desperately tried to remember one of those numerous bushi lessons he
was forced to take since he was a toddler.
*Never seek vengeance for the sake of honor.*
"For the sake of what? Honor? No... I don't understand..."
whispered Aoshi and squeezed his eyes shut. "Why? If vengeance is not
honorable, why did haha-ue leave me with such words? Why?"
Another thought flashed past his sub-conscious.
The letter. Haha-ue's letter.
Aoshi placed a damp hand on his covered chest. The cold water
soaked through easily straight to this naked skin. A deep sinking
feeling formed in the pit of his stomach. "Haha-ue's letter..." Aoshi
grabbed the neck opening of his yukata and ripped the two sides open,
exposing his bare chest. Quickly, he slipped out of the thin cotton
fabric and flipped it a few times.
Nothing.
There was nothing.
The blood-written letter was gone!
Aoshi sat back on the stool, dazed. "Haha-ue's letter... It's
gone..."
With trembling hands, he stood up and opened the sliding door.
Treading noiselessly on the wooden floor planks, he dragged the
sliding door of Okina's room slowly. His eyes rested on a still
figure sitting in the middle of room.
Okina was still there.
"Aoshi, stop acting like some thief!" boomed a voice suddenly
and Aoshi was caught by surprise. In lightning speed, Okina was
already standing in front of him. "What do you want?"
"I... I..." started Aoshi in a small voice.
"Listen here, boy. If you are going to speak that softly, I
suggest you talk to yourself. My hearing ability is not that good
anymore," continued Okina, growing slightly impatient.
"O... Okina... Haha-ue's letter is gone!" stumbled Aoshi, his
eyes downcast. "I... I don't know where it is..."
"So? What difference will it make?" asked Okina in a softer
tone. "Even if you had the letter, you wouldn't be able to do
anything."
"I... I know... B... But..."
"Alright, don't think about that letter anymore. Just wash
yourself and we'll go for lunch afterwards," sighed Okina, feeling a
mixture of sympathy and amusement for the boy.
Aoshi nodded a little and turned around, tears threatening to
roll down from his eyes. Okina shook his head and retreated to the
realms of silence in the tiny room with his left hand over his chest,
feeling the silky texture of the blood-stained letter against his
bare skin.
*Gomen ne, Aoshi... You are too young for this... I'll give you
your mother's letter when you are old enough to understand how this
feudal system works.*
---------------------------------------------------------------------
A single hoot of a lonely owl echoed through the dark night.
There was no moon in the bluish-black sky thus throwing a blanket
over the lands. A pair of low voices spoke softly in the background
of a dimly lit meeting chamber. A darkened shadow of a small figure
stood outside the small building, occasionally moving in a brisk
walk.
"Where's the boy?" hissed a raspy voice.
"He is standing outside, Okashira," answered the other voice.
"Do you want to see him?"
"Bring him in here," answered the first voice.
The door slid open with a soft creak and a familiar figure
stepped out of the chamber. With a gentle hand signal, he gestured
for the boy to follow him.
"Okina, does the Okashira want to meet me?" asked the smaller
figure in a squeaky voice.
"Yes, he does. Remember what I told your before lunch? Keep
quiet and don't speak unless I tell you to," whispered Okina and took
the boy by his right hand. Aoshi nodded demurely and followed the man
into the dim chamber.
Then, the sliding door was pushed shut with a soft thud.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
He walked into the room slowly, treading across the tatami-
padded floor planks carefully. His wide eyes blinked innocently as he
scrutinized the relatively small chamber, taking note of the elegant
decor.
Before long, both of his eyes rested on an old man sitting on
a large wooden couch at one end of the room. Aoshi narrowed his eyes
and focused his sight on the seated figure.
"Greet the Okashira!" whispered Okina fiercely and nudged him
softly on his head.
"Ko... Konbanwa..." stumbled Aoshi and shifted uneasily. He
shot a worried look at Okina but the man simply gestured him a sign
of assurance with a slight nod of his head. Aoshi forced his focus
away from Okina and tried to look directly in the Okashira's
direction.
"Hai..." replied a soft and slithery voice. Aoshi could swear
that it was from the Okashira but he didn't see his lips move. The
young boy studied the old man in detail. *Very old... A lot older
than father... Must be very tall and thin too...* noted the boy. The
old man had a long and white wispy beard and his hair was tied up on
top of his head in a short ponytail. His face was wrinkled and his
complexion was a ghastly pale shade, almost like he was wearing face
powder which greatly accentuated his cheekbones. The old man's eyes
glinted dangerously in the flickering candle light, making Aoshi feel
insecure.
That pair of eyes gave Aoshi the feeling that the old man could
read his thoughts and feelings.
Line by line.
Aoshi pushed off an imaginary chill down his spine and braced
himself, forcing eye contact with the Okashira.
"What's your name and where do you come from?"
"I... I..." began Aoshi and his mind went temporarily blank
from fear and excitement.
"Answer properly, Aoshi," growled Okina under his breath and
looked daggers at the poor boy.
"I'm Aoshi from the Edo branch of the Matsudaira clan..."
blurted out Aoshi at last and he secretly heaved a small sigh of
relief. The Okashira looked at him from head to toe, making Aoshi
very self-conscious.
"How old are you?" asked the old man again. This time, he
rapped his long and thin fingers on the wooden armrest of his
elevated seat, making a hollow sound in the silent chamber.
"Five... Turning six in two week's time..." choked out Aoshi in
a soft whisper. That very question brought back bittersweet memories
of his formal life in Edo. His birthday... was the only time in the
entire year which his father would speak to him like father and son.
That was also the only time which haha-ue would be in high spirits,
bustling around cooking his favorite dishes.
Aoshi held back tears bravely and bit his lower lip. That was
his past. He had to face the reality now. He swallowed painfully and
looked again into the Okashira's face. *I'm a true man. I shed blood,
not tears.*
"Yes, just the right age..." mumbled the Okashira
absentmindedly. Slowly, the old man stood up and walked towards the
boy. "Okina, you can retreat now," commanded the tall and thin man as
he waved a bony hand at the younger man.
Okina bowed slightly and stepped back a few steps. Aoshi turned
to gaze at him but Okina simply flashed him an assuring smile that he
would be perfectly alright during his absence. Aoshi had felt exactly
the opposite.
The Okashira's sly smile scared him, but he refused to let it
show. Mustering all his strength, Aoshi stood up straight and took a
deep breath.
The soft sound of the sliding door closing was the only audible
noise through the night. There were only him and the Okashira in the
chamber. *Should I tell the Okashira about haha-ue and the Watanabe
incident?* pondered Aoshi silently and closed his eyes momentarily.
Suddenly, there were soft and itchy sensations along the back
of his neck, there were was something there, trailing across his
delicate skin. Just as Aoshi was about to lift a hand to flick away
the foreign touch, a voice whispered in his ear, "Don't move."
Aoshi stiffened in fear, not daring to breathe. He recognized
that voice, it was the old Okashira.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's notes:
1. In ancient Japan, shops don't have those pull-and-drag type of
entrances. Instead, they have this system where a few broad planks and
placed vertically across the entire entrance. There might be a sliding door
on the inside but the planks are there to keep out unwanted visitors (eg.
thieves) at night.
2. You guys have to remember that in ancient Japan, there are no such thing
as electrical lights. Candles are used, usually.
3. Do you think Okina's a little OOC? I'm not very sure how to portray
Okina as Aoshi's mentor with all those lewd acts he made in the anime and
in the manga. ^^; A hentai old man as Aoshi's teacher? ::Siew Lee laughs::
Anyway, if you have any ideas, please do tell me.
4. Alright, I admit this chapter is a little dry and boring... I promise
chapter 3 will be much more interesting and action-packed. Want a little
teaser? Bwuahahahhhaaa!!!
Glossary:
gomen nasai: sorry
haha-ue: mother. The ancient version of 'kaasan'.
konbanwa: good night
oni: A creature in Japanese mythology. Looks like an ogre with horns.
oshiroi: white face powder
E-mail: Siew Lee [yume@hotohori.uhome.net]
URL: http://hotohori.uhome.net (Siew Lee's Fanfiction Nebula)
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