A brief disclaimer for this repost: Lara Bartram is not officially
_responsible_ for any damage that may derive from this
fic; however, her help has been instrumental in its inception
and continued... infamy :) Thanks again, Lara!
Also, although this fic was originally posted back in May,
there is as yet, sadly, no NiL 2. But there _will_ be,
someday. Honest. Just ask Lara!
Now, on with the evil!
***********************************************************************
It was a beautiful spring morning, white cotton-candy clouds
racing each other to the coast. Birds chirped and fluttered
in tiny knots on the roof of the Nekohanten, while the
pleasant breeze skirled merrily through the open window of
the upstairs bathroom, and stirred the damp warm scents
within...
"No, is not first time... I like this line... here, got
Hibaa-chan's credit card number... yes, can wait... not too
long though!"
Taptaptapping of fingernails, then a pleased gasp.
"That sooo nice... you know how treat womans... yessss,
pinch them... ouch, that little too hard! Haha, yes,
Shampoo like that too..."
Girlish giggles filtered into the hallway as Mousse tramped
up the stairs, followed by Cologne, who muttered quiet
deprecations...
"/Honestly, Mu... can't you even find the bathroom
yourself? And holding it so long! I always said your
family fell off the stupid tree, but you surely hit every
branch... probably twice.\"
"Uh-huh... then lick Shampoo down there... yesssss... feel
good..."
<bambambam>
"You make Shampoo feel so good... hah, huh, huh, kiss
Shampoo..."
<bambambam>
"/Great-grand-daughter, come out of there... Mu Si needs
to go!\"
"Mnf...Shampoo close... use fingers fast, un-huh..."
<bamBAMBAM>
"/Xian Pu!! Did you hear me?!\"
"Oh... oh... Shampoo there... Shampoo...Ahhh... ummmm..."
<TRAMPLEtrampletaptaptapSLAM>
"/Blast it, Mu... THAT'S THE CUPBOARD! Xian Pu, come out
this instant!!\"
Shortly, the door was unlocked from within and Shampoo
flounced past, skipping down the stairs, her cheeks flushed.
"Shampoo done with bathroom, Hibaa-chan!"
Cologne sniffed the air, sighing, and tapped her way back
down after Shampoo.
"/Phone-sex in the bathroom at ten in the morning, by all
the Ancestresses! Xian Pu, _don't_ give me that look, you
go wash your hands right now! And put Mu Si to work
washing those dishes... he's pissed himself in the China
closet again.\"
*****
Back at the Dojo...
<click-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-clatter>
"Nodoka-chan, who was that?"
Whirling quickly, Nodoka shoved the credit-card receipt
into her obi, pattering past Genma to slip into the
bathroom.
"Oh, nobody, Husband... please excuse me?"
"Quite alright, Nodoka-chan... I'm just heading for a drink
with Tendo. Don't wait up!"
Nodoka slipped out of her clothes, reaching into the
cupboard, not really listening. Taking down a squeeze tube
and a medium-sized lacquer box, she adjourned to the bath
section and slid the inner door shut behind her.
"I should really thank Kasumi-chan. Without Mr. Purple
Marauder, I'd be dreadfully tense all day... and I can't
just let her and Nabiki bring in all the customers. Why,
that wouldn't be proper!"
The deep buzzing that followed was soon swallowed in the
happy humming business that is the Tendo home in balance and
harmony.
"Raaaaaanmaaaaa!"
Such as it is.
*****
"Hello, and welcome to the first installment of Metke
Lemon Theatre! I'm Sleet01, your liaison with the Creator.
In case you haven't guessed, this is not about Mutton
Lettuce and Tomato Sandwiches, as I'm sure some of you have
mistakenly surmised from the `MLT' in the title. The only
relationship between this MLT and that MLT is that there are
people who are nice and lean, the sex is juicy, and the
scenes are just a little too ripe. Oh, and we may be having
sandwiches in the lobby immediately following this feature;
it depends on how the lads are, erm, holding up."
"But now, let us proceed. Tonight's presentation is the
first episode in a seminal series (eheheh), `Nodoka in Love'
and I dare say there won't be a dry seat in the house.
Please avail yourselves of the facilities, but remember:
this is not interactive theatre, so keep you appendages to
yourselves! And now, on with the show!"
METKE LEMON THEATRE!!!
By Martin Metke
"Hey, waiter, there's some urine in my soup!"
"And?"
"Why can't my wife have some too?!"
<Sigh...zzzzZIP...plishplishplissssssh>
"Thanks, son, that's super!"
"But I don't want urine!"
"Don't make a fuss, dear, I'll have yours! I'm having..."
"/Mu Si, come wash these bowls again, you've left them
smelling like duck piss!\"
<crashSPLASH>
"/NOT the toilet... Gods, if he's wrecked the bidet I'll
kill him myself!\"
*****
Nodoka gracefully turned from the gate, feet turning towards
the market place even as her mind slipped into fond
memories.
The first time she had seen Genma Saotome, her heart had
skipped a beat: there, surely, was the man her honored
grandmother had been speaking of, that long-ago evening when
they were reading the `Hayao Miyazaki Kama Sutra' by the
fireside:
"Nodoka, my dear girl, soon I will pass on, and you will
marry. Here is the secret to choosing a good husband, my
dear: a big mouth."
"Why is that, Honored Grandmother?" she had replied,
flipping to her favorite page, a depiction of the `Crane and
Woodpecker In Love', prone version, balanced on the wing of
a fanciful twin-engine bomber. What coloring!
"Nodoka-chan... Nodoka-chan, look up here, dear. Nodoka-
chan, a man with a hearty appetite, a man that loves to eat,
can bring a woman great pleasure. Turn to `The Dragon at
The Delta', would you? See there..."
"Oh... and a man who loves to eat..."
"Will eat anything with gusto! Do you see, my dear?
_That_ is the man to make a woman happy!"
She hadn't, really, back then... but when she had seen Genma
power his way through a trough of natto, it all became so
clear. After he'd blown away the competition in the
All-You-Can-Eat Martial Arts Gluttony contest, he'd figured
he deserved a good meal as a reward, and Nodoka was there to
give it to him...
"Oh, Genma, I've never met a man with such an interest
in... eating!"
"Mmm fmfm fhmfmf nhm mm fmf!"
"A martial artist needs his what?"
"MMff!!"
"Oh, ss...st-st...strength?!"
"mnfMnf!"
"G-g-g-goodnAAAH!!! <pant, pant> Uh...what's... what's
OOOhhhh!!!"
<cracklepopsqueakcrack>
"MNfnffnf*"
*translation: "Indiscriminate grappling obviously is in
her blood... I must have her!"
*****
After a quick visit to Doctor Tofu, they'd gotten
everything about the engagement straightened out, as it
were, and Nodoka had been very pleased with her choice:
Genma ate with gusto, and loved to eat, and so she was never
unhappy. Sore, but not unhappy. But after That Summer, and
Ranma's arrival, Genma had seemed to lose interest in her...
he ate with just as much gusto, but his mind was in Ranma's
training.
Nodoka sighed. She'd been so lonely these past years, and
her meager savings were insufficient to keep her in the
manner that she'd come to expect: batteries were expensive,
and the power company had started sending such heartfelt
pleas... Nodoka had been very frustrated for a very long
time! And now, Genma drank his nights away with
Tendo-san... it simply was not fair! If not for the phone
business, she'd surely be a nervous wreck by now.
Nodoka had even taken to wearing her hair in a pony-tail, as
she did when she and Genma had been unabashedly neck...er,
courting every night, but to no avail. Wistfully, she
twisted the end of her new-grown pony-tail, sighing softly.
"When will I feel that wonderful feeling again? Is there
no-one who will love me in this cruel world?!"
*****
Tatewaki Kuno, aged 17, was a good lay. He had class,
charm, a great hair-do... add a dash of well-earned
confidence, and how could he not be? If only he could
convince his two loves that they would be better off
forgetting that wretched Saotome cur, they would find
themselves awash in waves of pleasure for all eternity...
and who didn't want that?
At least, that's what his sister's book, `A Young Girl's
Illustrated Primer to The Story of O' stated, among other
things, and the Samurai should always take every chance to
test such obviously helpful information. All he needed now
were his loves, and they would all bask in orgasmic joy for
endless hours... hmmm.
"Note to mineself: remind Sasuke to purchase rubber
sheets."
The life of a samurai is a hard one... especially if one
reads the books Kuno's been reading.
*****
Nodoka was totally taken by surprise when strong arms
wrapped around her from behind. Just as she was about to
scream, two large, manly hands grasped her bosom, sending
amazing sparks of deliciously sinful pleasure shooting
through her.
Gasping, she inhaled the heady scent of Brill Cream and
musk aftershave, and dizziness enveloped her. Nodoka sagged
back against her assailant...
"Oh, my pig-tailed goddess, you've come to me at last!"
Nodoka roused slightly... it was that Kuno boy. Perhaps
this is fate! He _was_ young, handsome, virile...
<squishysquishy, squish>
Over-eager and ham-handed...
"Ow, you brute, you're squeezing _much_ to hard. Here,
like so!"
<sqooshysqooshy sqoooosh>
"My darling, you willingly accept my ministrations!? Oh,
my joyous heart will cease! Death, take me now, my life is
fulfilled!"
"Actually, I'm not your pig-tailed darling, that's my
son... and you're not going anywhere, young man, until _my_
life is fulfilled! Oh, do that again, there's a dear!"
<sqooshysqooshy>
"nGah... Nmmmm"
"Ah, I see... Madam? Are you quite alright?"
"Mnf...mHmmm... now... try it down *here*, but gently..."
"Forsooth! You must be my pony-tailed goddess, for none
other would welcome me with open... er, legs? Let us hie to
my ancestral fastness, my love!"
"Ergl..."
"My love? Lo! The goddess is faint! I shall carry her
home and tend her lovingly. Sasuke!"
<rustlerustleTHUMP>
"Yes, oh Master Kuno?"
"<oof> Return home... and lay... out the... Viagra!"
"At once, Master Kuno!"
"Come my... Love, we... will soon... be home..."
"Shall I... fetch the car, Master Kuno?"
*****
Later, at the Kuno Mansion...
"So, my love, thou wishest to school me in the ways of
passion? But I am already as a god among men, strong as a
bull and tender as a rose-bud! I bring weakness to the
knees of many, and wetness to the unmentionables of all!
I..."
<clickSchnickt!>
"Then again, the goddess with the sword doth always be
right..."
"Correct. Now, Tatewaki, you will do what I say, and not
ask _any_ questions... do you understand?"
"The great and mighty Blue Thunder shall not be spoken
to..."
<shWING>
"_Do_ you understand?"
<fwumpfwump>
"Good, I see that you do...and I see that you carry the
family `sword' handily! Now, disrobe me and give me oral
love!"
"You say this nubbin here brings great pleasure, oh lovely
one?"
"You're a quick and... agile student, Tatewaki..."
"mmMMph mmph, mm Mmph HmmMmph!"
"Ah yes... so sorry... 'Blue.... ThunderrrrAHhhhhgodddds!'"
*****
Meanwhile, also at the mansion...
"Sasuke? Sasuke!"
<tumptumptumpSLAMcrash>
"Y-yes, oh Mistress?"
"Where is my Ranma-sama's dosage? I left the blue pills
here specifically for his dinner, and now they are missing!"
"Actually, Mistress... Master Tatewaki is... entertaining,
and bade me bring him those pills, for his guest's, er,
enjoyment."
"Well... I suppose that's allowable. They were supposed to
go in with his nightly arsenic anyhow, but I'd so hoped to
use them to let Ranma show his true feelings for me... very
well, Sasuke, you may go."
"Yes, Mistress!"
"Oh, and Sasuke..."
"Mistress?"
"I want my 'Story of O' back... it's going to be a long
night."
*****
Many hours later, a weary and disheveled figure staggered
through the door of the Tendo-ke.
"T...Tadaima.." Nodoka croaked, her cheeks rosy, her throat
sore.
"Nodoka, my love, you look...flushed. Are you alright?"
<wobblewobble....thump>
"I'm fine, Husband... help me up. I think I sprained my
jaw."
"Your..."
"Ankle, sorry... I meant my ankle! I'm a little sore, is
all..."
"Sore?"
"It was a... hard day at the market..."
"Did you hear, Auntie Nodoka? They say on television
that Kuno-chan is in the hospital with third-degree
abrasions on 'certain parts of his body', and claw marks all
over his back... something to do with a drug overdose!"
"Now, now, Nabiki-chan, don't jump to conclusions! He's
had a very close call, and he's been admitted with heavy
sedation... he'll be home from school for the rest of the
week!"
"Haw! I know what happened to `im, Kasumi: Kuno musta
bit off more than he could chew in a brawl... but no school?
That lucky stiff!"
<Coughcoughhackchoke>
"Are you alright, Auntie Nodoka? Here, let me get you
some water... your lips are completely chapped!"
"You don't look so good, Ma... maybe you should head for
bed?"
Nodoka nodded and made a quick, bowlegged escape.
*****
Beneath the warm yellow lamps, two elder statesmen
masterfully maneuverd worn pieces across a Shogi board,
sipping tea with measured grace and sharing quiet,
meaningful conversation.
Several blocks away, Soun and Genma didn't do anything like
that.
"I tell you, Tendo, there's something about Nodoka
today..."
As Genma looked out over the pond in quiet contemplation,
or at least politely silent bafflement, Soun sipped his tea
noisily to cover the clatter of hastily switched pieces.
That done, he
nodded and scratched his chin.
"Oh, Saotome? What's that?"
"Well... you remember just before Ranma was conceived, I
returned from that arduous training journey you had
suggested I take by myself?"
"Yes... yes, I do recall that summer..."
"How Nodoka was so happy and healthy-looking when I
returned?"
"Mmm-hmmm..."
"And how you bragged about that pipe-laying job you'd
gotten while I was gone?"
Spewing tea all over the board, eyes bulging grotesquely,
Soun did his best impression of a massive cardiac-arrest
victim. Genma failed to notice, lost in revery.
"And you recall, she turned up at the door to greet me,
pregnant already, even before I'd gotten home, and you said
it must have been the Federal Express stork at work? I
think you mentioned my incredible virility being to
blame..."
"Y...yesss, such things may have come from my mouth..."
"Well, she looks pretty much like that, only more so.
Your move!"
*****
"Hey Pops, we're doin' this genetics paper in class...
what's 'inbreeding'?"
"Well, I don't know, boy... Hey Tendo! What do you know
about `inbreeding'?"
Once again, the quiet patter of tea leaving Soun Tendo's
mouth at near-sonic velocity to spread artisticly across the
Shogi board was heard, and Kasumi noted absently that it
made a lovely counterpoint to the rhythmic tok-tok of the
water clacker.
"T...that's a strange question, Saotome!"
*****
"So what you're saying, Tendo, is that a family line is
like a freeway, and that every now and then, you have to
take an offramp to grab some treats, but should always drive
right back on? That one should ensure that all onramps
lead, as it were, to your family's thoroughfare? That in
this time-honored way, the breed retains its strength and
noble lineage?"
"Er... that's what _my_ father said, Saotome! Mother had
some different ideas, but then, father also said that since
she never minded her other brothers, she'd damn better
listen to him... "
"Well, I guess it's just too bad that Ranma and Akane
aren't related, eh my old friend? Think of the skill their
child would inherit!
With a benificent, and absolutely clueless, smile, Genma
claps Soun on the shoulder, taking his friends wide-eyed
look for one of admiration. Why, he'd understood the entire
concept at one go, a first! Smiling in self-congratulation,
Genma slips an extra king onto the board and sighs with
satisfaction.
"I've been thinking, Tendo... do you suppose that pipe-
laying job is still open? Tendo?"
Since he'd been losing anyhow, Genma wasn't too concerned by
Soun's sudden gainer into the board. Now that he thought of
it, though, old Tendo had been looking sort of peaked
recently as well... maybe Nodoka had given him something?
Probably best to avoid her for the time being; it would be
tragic to come down with something on such a fine evening.
"Hup... time for a drink, Tendo? Wake up, man, it's Sake
time!"
*****
"Auntie Nodoka..."
"Yes, Kasumi dear?"
"Anoo... you said you wanted me to give that special cup
of tea to Mr. Saotome?"
Nodoka gulped, discretely slipping the half-empty packet of
Viagra into a handy backpack while she attempted to compose
herself.
"Well, he went to the public Baths with Father, and I
thought to myself, 'Auntie would want Ranma to have this,
because she loves him just as much as she does Mr.
Saotome...'"
"R..really, dear? Why, how t-thoughtful of you!"
"Well, time for work... now, where did I put the spare C-
cells? Oh my, we're out already?"
"Sorry, dear... it's been a draining week..."
"Oh, that's alright! I'll just have to go get the plug-in
from Nabiki... it's a great excuse to try out that Black
Knobbler that I made with my Home Injection Modeling kit,
don't you think?"
And with a sweet, innocent smile, Kasumi headed upstairs...
"Wha? Hey, I was just going to use that, sis!"
*****
"Get down! What the hell is up with you?! I didn't ask
for this... damn it, why won't you leave me alone? I'm
almost out of lotion, for cripe's sake!! Look, is this what
you want? I'm telling you, this is the last time you get
it... my mouth is getting sore!"
Kodachi crept closer to the window, preparing to flip
into Ranma's room with her usual gymnastic ease, but snuck a
quick peak first; it sounded as though her Ranma-sama wasn't
alone!
"If I get a crick in my neck from this, I'm not gonna
touch you again for a week, got it?"
It was the sight of Ranma with his knees locked behind his
shoulders that really pushed Kodachi over the edge...
literally! Not very dignified, the Captain of a Martial Arts
Gymnastic team falling on her fundament like that.
"What the hell? Oh, Kodachi, it's... it ain't what it
looks like... um, stop purring like that, wouldja?
"I should hope it _is_ what it looks like, Ranma-sama!"
"Er... what are you doing... s-stay back!"
"Rrrrowr!"
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH oh, hey, that's pretty AAAAAAAAGGGH!!!"
*****
In the courtyard of Fuurinkan High, Nabiki held her
morning transactions, merchandise displayed artfully next to
her small rucksack.
"So I hear that Kodachi's laid up right next to her
brother, sedated and in a neck brace?"
"Yep. We don't know what happened... we ignored the
screams as per usual, and when Akane went to wake Saotome up
this morning, he was sleeping like a baby... I suppose
you've heard that I have exclusive pictures of Kodachi,
too?"
"Hiroshi's got a set already; I like the one where she's
still hanging from the gravity boots... very artistic. Hook
me up with a set."
"Three thousand yen. And before you go, you get one of
these..."
"Cool! What is it, a jawbreaker?"
"...So to speak, yes. Its...effects... last up to six
hours, and color changes are almost guaranteed. Have fun,
now!"
*****
Later, Classroom 3F, Hinako Ninomiya's English for the
Terminally Monolingual:
"You boys are _all_ delinquents! I'm going to punish you
for not standing up and answering your sensei's questions!"
Massive groaning and complaints, cries of "not our fault!"
filled the air.
"Sawara-kun!"
"H...hai?"
"What's that in your mouth? Stand up!"
"Um, it's... well, Nabiki was selling these candies..."
He could see that Hinako-sensei wasn't listening, though,
and sweatdrops begin to form...
"OOOOh, goodie! A _lollypop!_ Fish that out, I want it! "
*****
Nodoka rolled over, unplugging the black cord from the
socket, and languidly stood up.
<plopTHUMPbuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz>
"Well, I'll be... the battery backup really does work. I
guess I'll need to thank Kasumi again!"
*****
"Why the long face, Ranma?"
"It's such a nice day... I'm just wonderin' who's gonna
screw with my life next!"
*****
Well, folks, that's episode one of, "Nodoka In Love!"
Tune in next time for the first episode of "Pretty Useless:
Tenchi Muyo in Bondage" here on
METKE... LEMON... THEATAH!!!
And, as a special bonus, here's a scene from the next,
"Nodoka In Love":
*****
Deep in the forest, Ryouga Hibiki has stumbled upon a
house he never thought he'd see again, and he's standing on
the porch, about to knock, when...
"Katsunishiki!"
"Grnnnk?"
"Get that out of my face. NO, you may NOT put that
there, did you think I wouldn't notice or something?"
A moment, then an embarrassed, "Grunn, Grunngrn."
"Oh, that's right... sorry, I thought it was my spin."
"Grnnk"
"Katsu...*Katsunishiki*! That hurts, be careful!"
With a tremendous gulp, Ryouga screws his courage to the
sticking point and taps timidly at the doorframe.
"Oh, Katsunishiki, get off. And put that away, would
you?"
Soft footsteps tap towards the door.
"And Katsunishiki... next time, you can just keep on
spinning until you manage to land on a position that's not
quite so, well, twisty. Alright?"
Hibiki stare meets bashful Unryuu eyes, which blink in
surprise, then joy, as she hugs him with unhindered
excitement.
"Ryouga-sama! Welcome back! Please, come in, won't you?
Oh, Katsunishiki, look who's here! Umm, Ryouga-sama, your
nose...?"
"Bu... yu... tw... ow?"
"Oh... surely you don't think... heeheehee, that's so funny,
Ryouga-sama! We were just playing Twister! Come in, come
inside, let me get you some tea!"
"Oh... good... I mean, good! Yes, tea, tea's, well, that's
great!"
As the door slams behind them...
"Besides, Ryouga-sama... pigs have such little penises! I
like the fact you're not all pig-like... see! You're much
more like a horse or pony or something!"
A girlish giggle, a pregnant pause, and then the fireworks
begin...
*****
That's it. Proof that long exposure to Lara Bartram and her
'fics _does_ cause grievious brain damage! And much more
creativity... so go get some! Hope you all enjoyed, or at
least have been suffiently outraged, and will _privately_
respond, unless it's a C&C you feel will enrich the ML... or
you think you're funny enough to compete ;)
My very heartfelt thanks go to Lara, of course, for
encouraging me, and for pre-reading when she should have
been getting sleep... thank you! You'll probably burn in
hell for this day's work! What a gal! :)
And to Alan, sorry about the keyboard... mebbe I'll send you
one of those plastic cover things ;) And... get back to
work! Lara-sama demands torture! Thanks for the look-over,
my confidence doubled hearing you're suggestions.
So, until next episode... Ta-ta!
--,-@
-Martin L. Metke
-exaxxion@balista.com
"I laughed, I cried, I fell down, it changed my life... it was good!"