Hi,
My comments##
Date: Sat, 20 Nov 1999 18:39:14 -0700 (MST)
From: Jay Kominek <Jay.Kominek@Colorado.EDU> | Block address
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [Fanfic][SM/Ranma] Guardians Prelude
<SNIP>
- - - - - - - -
Neo-Queen Serenity truly enjoyed the parks of her
Crystal Tokyo.
##A little awkward. I keep reading it as "perks" instead of parks. ^_^
There were only two things that could make them
even better. Her husband, King Endymion, and her daughter, Usagi,
the new Sailor Moon. While she knew that sending her daughter back
in time to be trained by herself was a good idea, and in fact, the
only thing she could do since she had already done it, it still
hurt to be separated.
##<eeeep> very awkward sentence. Try breaking it into bite sized
chunks.
Lucky for her, both of those people were
with her today, enjoying the park.
##??Why lucky. just doesn't seem to fit.
How about:
"She felt fortunate to be able to enjoy the park with both of them today."
Or
"She would always give thanks that both of them were alive to enjoy the
park with her."
Nerima Ward, even in Crystal Tokyo, was an odd place.
When Serenity had purged the world of evil, she'd really only purged
it of overt evils and such, not just plain weirdness or mean people.
Not only would it have made things fairly boring, but it would have
deprived people of free will.
##Good point. Still a little awkward. I'd shorten this bit, make it a
little smoother.
So, on this fine afternoon, Queen Serenity and King Endymion
are sitting
##change in tense. :(
on a park bench in the notorious Nerima Ward watching
their daughter, Usagi feed the koi in the large pond. Sadly,
Usagi was unaccompanied, one of the few friends she'd had in the
past, Tomoe Hotaru (aka Sailor Saturn), was now quite a bit older
than her due to her time traveling. Sailor Pluto (she'd given up
calling her Puu before returning to her own time) was busy guarding
the Gates of Time, and even if she could come, probably wouldn't
have been a whole lot of fun in a park.
##<eeeeep>
Hmmm, OK I'll admit that "stream of consciousness" writing is NOT
my favorite. So far I'm hooked by the idea, but I do not like the rather
unstructured style. It's not bad. But the change in tense and the VERY long
convoluted sentences are very difficult to read.
IMO (only) it might make an easier read to change to something like this:
Serenity, Empress of the Crystal Millennium, Queen of Crystal Tokyo,
Defender of the
Light, etc. etc, sat with her husband Endymion, (also etc., etc.) on a
bench in Nermia park
watching her daughter feeding the koi. Serenity felt a brief pang of regret
that she'd had to
bring Usagi back to the future. Her best friend, Hotaru Tome was an adult
now with family and responsibilities as Sailor Saturn. Pluto of course was
busy at the Gates of Time. And even if
she had been able to come Serinity didn't think she'd be much fun in a park.
##This is NOT the only way to do it of course. I just find it easier to
show by
example.
Thus was the scene when an ear splitting cry rent the air.
##Again, stylistic. But I don't much care for editorial comments. OTOH
there are people who like them so it probably even out. I think it works
better
if you just go directly to the scream. ^_^
"SAOTOME RANMA! GET BACK HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!"
* * *
Saotome Ranma wasn't in a terribly good mood this afternoon.
Akane had insisted on cooking him lunch. Shampoo had tried to bring
him some lunch, too. The combination of Akane's toxic cooking
##Akane's bad cooking is overused. IMO it's better to find a better argument.
and
Shampoo's potions were making his stomach do a 720 inside of him,
##??? I'm afraid I don't get this one.
in addition to the splitting headache. The last thing he needed was:
"SAOTOME RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!"
Ryouga has this horrible habit of picking the worst possible
times to try and kill Ranma. Beating Ryouga bloody only seemed to
encourage him, too.
##Again, this is a little(lot) overused. Although it is kind of cute. However
Akane's bad cooking followed by Ryouga kills Ranma is a little much.
"Aww man, Ryouga, do you really hafta try and kill me
right now? Akane has already tried once today and.."
"RANMA YOU IDIOT!"
Sadly, Ranma never learned, either. And so, with her
standard battle cry, Akane summoned her mallet and walloped Ranma
across town.
##I liked the start, even if it was a little rough. However the entire
Ranma bit
it entirely too cliched. IMO this needs a complete re-write. Instead of
cooking
why not have Akane mad because Ranma forgot to pick up the groceries. Or
eliminate
Akane entirely at this point and have Ryouga chasing Ranma from the start.
There are a LOT
of different things that can be done.
Hence, the chase began. Normally, Ryouga would get lost
about 2.718 seconds
##possibly stylistic but the "2.718" just doesn't build a picture for me.
IMO it just slows the story. Just say, "Normally Ryouga would have gotten lost
trying to get out of the Tendou compound." Keep it simple.
after stepping out the gate of the Tendou
residence. Fate, as usual, was conspiring against Ranma today,
and with its assistance, Ryouga managed to plot a direct course
for Ranma's estimated landing zone.
##<gasp> VERY long, convoluted sentence. {I can recognize these because
my pre-readers slap me on the word processor for the same thing. ^_^ }
It was as though fate was
##Fate again. try another word.
guiding him. Somehow knowing that, for once, he was heading in
the right direction, Ryouga summoned his battle aura to increase
his speed. Ryouga wasn't about to let his one chance at getting
somewhere without getting lost slip away.
*There he is, about to come down in that pond!*
##???Is this Ryouga ?
"SAOTOME RANMA! GET BACK HERE AND FACE ME LIKE A MAN!"
##???Akane?
* * *
*Splash!*
Usagi looked up, her pink hair shifting to frame her
face, just in time to get hit by the wave of water from the pond.
While she went to pull her wet hair out of her face, she watched
a red headed girl pop up out of the water.
"Whadid she have ta go and do that for?"
A young man with black hair had just come running up and
the girl had popped out of the water. Usagi's thought, *Maybe he's
her friend..* was quickly dispelled.
"I've got you at last Ranma! Prepare to die!"
By now, the girl, whose name was apparently Ranma (what an
odd name for a girl) leaped out of the water, and landed under a
tree near Serenity and Endymion.
Trying, vainly, to diffuse the situation, Ranma spoke up,
"Come on Ryouga, whats wrong now?"
The boy, whose name Usagi now knew to be Ryouga, didn't
appear particularly talkative and had charged after Ranma with an
inarticulate roar. Having gotten within a meter or two of Ranma,
Ryouga leaped with his fist forward aiming for Ranma and... Ranma
wasn't there. Usagi began to wonder where this red headed girl had
gone (and how she'd gotten there) when she realized that the Ryouga
boy's fist was going to impact with the tree.
##Whewww. LONG sentences again. Not bad, but again it's all very convoluted.
IMO the writing needs to be simplified. I'm not going to comment on this
anymore,
unless it's VERY bad. If I snip a section, just assume that the ONLY thing
wrong it
the convoluted sentence structure.
With a loud cracking noise, and then the sound that results
from the pressure wave of an explosion, the tree ceased to exist
as such. The main trunk of the tree had been reduced to little
more than tooth picks, while the upper branches were in mid-air,
being carried off by the pressure wave.
*Tha.. thats not possible!*
##??? Who is this???
Ryouga didn't seem the least bit surprised about the result
of his missed punch, nor had he been particularly phased by the
massive quantities of wood shards which must've hit him.
##This is an odd change of POV
"Come on Ryouga.."
Ranma had appeared behind Ryouga, who was standing in the
midst of the tree's remains. In mid sentence, Ranma had to begin
dodging Ryouga's punches.
##Change in tense.
<SNIP>
"MOUKO TAKABISHA REVISED: RUNNING TIGER DEFENSE!"
##Nice.
<SNIP>
Ranma felt
the hairs on her neck stand up. It was like the feeling she got
when Happosai was nearby, except stronger, somehow more pure..
##Nice.
* * *
Serenity sat on the bench, her hand in Endymion's. Just a
few seconds ago, she had been thinking about how calm the park
was, when all of a sudden, a red headed girl landed in the pond.
Another boy had then run up, and proceeded to attack the girl, his
missed punch shattering a tree.
##OK, this was pretty good.
Then the boy had summoned a ball
of green energy which he let fly at the girl, who dodged, leaving
the ball coming at Serenity and Endymion. Then the girl had shouted
something about tigers, and launched another ball of energy at them.
Endymion's reflexes had almost had time to make him twitch when the
second ball expanded into a mesh that surrounded them and deflected
the first green ball before dissolving.
##Now you're letting it get mushy again. Spend more time developing the
scenes and
crafting the description.
Example:
The angry young man had hurtled a fireball which had missed
the running girl and was now continuing straight at the Queen and her consort.
With a shout the red-head had launched a fireball of her own.
Angry young man = replaces "the boy"
fireball = replaces a ball of green energy
running girl =replaces the girl who dodged
The change in structure allows description to be integrated into the
action. This is NOT
the only way.
Example:
Twisting like a cat the red-head avoided the ugly green fireball which now
continued on it's path of death directly toward Serenity and her consort.
<SNIP>
With one of the strangled and inarticulate screams that
demons are famous for
##A little too cute. again this is a stylistic point. some people love this.
IMO I like a sense of the scream.
Example:
With a scream of rage the demon charged across the pond like a rabid weasel
chasing a burning cat.
OR
Screaming like a jet turbine swallowing a bucket of rocks, the demon
rushed across the pond like flames across gasoline.
, it charged across the pond, heading straight
for Serenity. For some unfathomable reason, demons liked to randomly
attack the Queen whenever given a chance. One supposed that they'd
be famous wherever they came from if they could manage to kill the
person who'd brought peace to the majority of the world.
##<sigh> IMO need to come up with something better. Again, IMO, a little
too cute. And, again, this is purely a personal reaction. Other people
will like this.
* * *
Ryouga didn't seem interested in the feeling of evil which
was beginning to permeate the air, and launched another attack
at Ranma. Trading blows with Ryouga on a rather unequal basis
(Ranma couldn't take very many, so she dealt out the majority),
Ranma continued worry about the feeling of evil that was building up.
Then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw the blackness of pure
evil on the other side of the pond. Breaking through almost as
soon as Ranma noticed it the demon was running through the pond,
looking for all the world as though it was coming straight for them.
Years of ingrained martial arts instincts immediately took hold
causing Ranma and Ryouga to leap away from each other, and the path
of the demon.
##To many "evil" in a row. Not a bad fight scene, but could use a _little_
tweaking. On the whole pretty good. Change the evils at the very least.
* * *
Usagi watched with a shocked and morbid interest as the ball
of energy as it flew towards her mother. She was quite aware there
wasn't anything she could hope to do. While in this time period the
Senshi didn't need elaborate transformation scenes
##just transformations. It's only a scene to the people watching the anime.
^_^
, it still took
time to unleash their powers, and until she unleashed those powers,
she was just a normal human being (who could unleash magical powers).
##Too cute.
<SNIP>
Momentarily distracted by the influx of power, Usagi (now
Sailor Moon) failed to notice the incoming boy, who landed on top
of her in his attempt to get away from the charging demon. It
didn't look like Sailor Moon was going to get a reputation for
grace anytime soon.
##Cute
* * *
Ranma landed, safely out of the path of the demon, and
began to reevaluate the situation. Ryouga had just landed on top
of the pink haired girl, and was now fumbling around trying to get
off of her. The demon was now running towards the couple.. boy
were they weird. Who went to a park wearing their night gown
or a tuxedo?
##Cute. IMO leave out the " ...boy were they weird."
*I can't let that demon hurt them, but what to do?
That thing is probably way out of my class..
##Errrr, is this Ranma??? Boy, being frozen for a thousand years has
certainly changed him.
Ummm, and what happened to Akane?
the only thing that'll
do lasting damage is the Hiryu Shoten Ha and I don't even know if
demons have ki..*
##he could try hitting it. He fought and killed a demi-god(saffron) and he
had fought demons (Faster Kasumi, kill, kill). This just doesn't seem . .
.right somehow.
Finally deciding on a ki blast to try and divert the
demon's attention, Ranma figured she'd try that ki attack she'd
seen Herb use. She'd need all the power she could get.
A "HITO RYU-ZAN HA!" and away the ki blade flew,
##nice use of a new(for Ranma) move.
striking the
demon in its.. tentacle? Oh well. That certainly got its attention.
Slowing its prodigious bulk down so that it could turn around to
face its attacker took no small amount of effort on the part of the
demon. In that little bit of time, Ryouga had managed to extricate
himself from the pink haired girl. *That girl is Sailor Moon? Wow.
Maybe we'll have a chance after all..*
##Ummmm, very OOC. I don't mind OOC as long as it's supported
within the story. However at this point in this story THIS seems very odd.
<SNIP>
No sooner than Ranma settled on a course of action than was
he able to put it into motion. The sheer force of the Shishi Houkou
Dan had indented the ground around the demon's, er, feet-things?
##<eeeep> not "feet-things" please.
*Time to introduce this demon to some Amazon techniques. 4000 years
of history has to be good for something..*
* * *
Usagi again took in the scene before her while reaching for
her tiara. The Ranma girl had thrown some sort of energy blade at
the demon, and then Ryouga had used some sort of explosion to launch
himself into the air and distract the demon. Pulling the tiara
down, she watched Ryouga send another energy blast at the demon,
shoving it a few inches into the ground (and probably giving it a
dreadful headache).
##cute<BG>
<SNIP>
The tiara sliced through Ranma's shirt like nothing. It
pretty much did the same thing to Ranma's arm, leaving her with a
horrible gash and most of her biceps severed.
##Hmmm, early in the first season SM stops her tiara from hitting her
friend. If you want to use this I'd make a change. Either obscure the
battlefield
with dust etc. so "Usagi" doesn't SEE the tiara about to hit Ranko OR she's
too shocked
to stop it from hitting OR . . .well there are several variations on these
themes.
<SNIP>
* * *
Ranma was hurt. Bad. She knew it, too.
Her right arm was now useless, her biceps severed. She wasn't
even sure that the Queen's magic could heal a would like that, let
alone modern medicine.
##Actually they do a reasonably good job of sewing severed limbs back on
even with Twentieth Century Technology. ^_^
Also, in the middle of a fight, terribly injured, perhaps dying this
internal dialogue seems very bland.
Example:
She was hurt----couldn't move her arm . . .couldn't even feel it. But
she could see bone, shining white through a tear that looked like a
tattered bag of ground beef. That couldn't be good.
More immediately however, she was probably
going to bleed to death
##GOOD, exactly right.
without some sort of treatment.
##drop this, IMO dilutes the drama of the situation.
Honor
didn't allow for retreat, though. Those people were still here.
Dammit why hadn't they left yet?
##Good again. Very good.
They seemed dumb struck.
##Not so good. ^_^
<SNIP>
Serenity was still staring, nonplused,
##??? Ummm, ??? seems a little strange.
at the scene in
front of her. The two combatants had forgotten each other for
the moment, and were working on the demon. Faster than her eyes
could hope to see, they'd attacked and been repulsed, then her
daughter had joined the fray. A missed Moon tiara hit the young
girl and made a dreadful cut in her arm. Her shirt was taking on a
much deeper red from the amount of blood that was soaking into it.
The boy was now laying, unmoving, in a hole his body had been used
to pound down. She needed to do something, but since giving up
the mantle of Sailor Moon, none of her powers were really suited
to combating individual demons, she was simply too powerful.
##Well, maybe. This scene still seems a little disjointed.
IMO needs to be tightened a little.
And so she continued to watch the battle with an increasingly
morbid fascination.
##Even when she didn't have her transformation broach Usagi still rushed
after the outer senshi
to save them (the episode where it was revealed they held two of the
talismans) so her inaction
and reaction seem very OOC. Good start at explaining by showing she is TOO
powerful. IMO this needs to come at the first of this bit. And the
explanation needs to be expanded. Make the reader BELIEVE there is a
reason for Serenity to just stand around watching. And Endymion. And why
not call the senshi? I can't believe there is NO protection for the Queen,
her consort AND the heir. Or at least a cell-phone if she doesn't have her
communicator any more.
* * *
<SNIP>
* * *
Usagi lifted herself out of the water. It was amazing
how, if you hit water fast enough, it felt as hard as concrete.
##Cute
Ranma was apparently sizing up the demon, which was doing the same,
merely vice versa. *If they could just succeed in stunning the
thing for a second..*
* * *
Calling forth the last bits of her ki, Ranma eyed the demon
and began the Hiryu Shoten Ha. Running around in a slowly tightening
circle, faster and faster, Ranma felt her body giving out. *If this
doesn't work, well, no point in thinking about that, I won't be
around to worry.*
##Nice
With a final cry of "HIRYU SHOTEN HA!", Ranma let fly a punch
that never connected, instead, it lifted the demon into the air.
*Uh oh. That didn't work quite right.*
##Very cute.
* * *
<SNIP>
* * *
Finally realizing how she could help, Serenity mentally
summoned the Senshi to her location, with an addendum to bring
an ambulance.
##It's about friggin time. ^_^ And what's Endymion doing all this time?
And where is Akane?
(She was close enough to be heard yelling at the beginning of this thing.
She saw the girl begin some sort of finalish
##finalish??? Hmmm, seems the language has changed in a few thousand years. :(
<SNIP>
*Oh my.*
##And where'd Kasumi come from. ^_^
Actually - - -who says/thinks this? and why?
<SNIP>
* * * * * * * *
"Can you do anything for them, Ami?"
Ami's response came in an unsure voice, "I don't know,
Serenity... Your magic fixed quite a bit, but really, they should've
been dead a long time ago. The girl lost enough blood that I'm
not sure why her tissue isn't already dead, most of the bones in
the boy's body had been reduced to a powdery gravel, and a few
of his organs weren't much better than oatmeal. The only people
who should be able to survive this kind of abuse are the Senshi,
and even then they'd be hospitalized for weeks."
##Hmmm, yeah I agree with Ami, they should be dead.
In fact if "most of the bones in the boy'd body ahd been reduced to a
powdery gravel"
he WOULD be dead. Good descriptions but perhaps you might want to make a
few changes.
For instance "a few of his organs weren't much better than oatmeal" leaves
the possibility of enough surviving organs (heart, brain, lung) for him to
be alive. If you change "most of the bones" to "many of his bones" it might
work better.
"And then there is the evil magic. That demon must have been
oozing of evil. Its slowly working to kill them, like a poison.
Counteracting it could be nearly impossible, you'd need to pour
magic into it constantly to keep it from coming back."
##Good, I like this.
* * * * * * * *
"Oh Luna, what am I going to do? Those two poor kids jumped
in the way of a demon probably trying to kill me and held it off
until Usagi could destroy it. Now they're going to die without
some sort of constant source of magic. Where could we get something
like that for them?"
##^_^ Geee, where could Luna POSSIBLY get a magical item at the last
moment. ^_^
Stretching out in thought, Luna ventured a suggestion. "Well,
if you weren't out of planets, you could make the girl a Senshi,
though it would be highly irregular for someone not of nobility
to be a Senshi. The boy could be made a planetary knight, but
that would place a small drain on the power supplied to one of the
existing Senshi. One of the larger planets might be able to handle
the drain, but still.."
"Why not just make them royal guards?" asked Artemis,
who had just joined them from a nap.
"Huh? Royal guards?"
Luna instantly supplied "Thats right! The royal family
can appoint guards, and they get magical power to help them do
their job."
##Stylistically I have a few problems here. I suppose the biggest is having
Luna (and Artemis)
come up with a last minute "memory". It's been done and overdone. Then
there's the bit
with senshi, royal guards and magic. While SM is a magical girl show there
is a LOT of technology and not all that much magic, IMO. They CALL things
magic, at the same time they have super-computers, space aliens, warp
holes, etc. Not that it can't be done. It's just that this segment seemed
awfully rushed and not very well developed. This seems to be an important
set-up and deserves more work.
"But I thought that was the Senshi's job?"
"No," Luna shook her head, "the Senshi are nobility in their
own right. While they were responsible for guarding the kingdom
from strong threats, they didn't normally handle mundane threats
to the family."
##???and what is a "mundane" threat? Not that it doesn't make sense. I just
think
it need more development. Don't just drop things like this on the reader cold.
"So if I make them into royal guards, do they draw their
power from the Silver Crystal, too?"
Artemis, again spoke up, "Nope, the royal family's guards
traditionally draw their power from the Sun. They don't really get
magical attacks, either. Extra strength, endurance and stuff like
that, though. Sort of mini-Senshi."
Nodding with new found confidence, Serenity announced
"Thats what we'll do, then!"
##Interesting. Develop this more. Too rushed.
* * * * * * * *
Serenity, Endymion and Usagi stood in a circle around
the sleeping and beaten forms of Ryouga and Ranma. Usagi's eyes
were noticeably drawn to the bandages covering Ranma's right arm.
In a circle beyond them was the rest of the Senshi, Mercury, Venus,
Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus and Pluto. Luna, Artemis
and Diana were waiting in the corner.
Coughing to get her family's attention, Serenity began,
"We all have to be in agreement to make this work. Any doubts?"
Endymion and Usagi both shook their heads in the negative.
"Very well."
And so Neo-Queen Serenity lifted the Silver Crystal, summoned
forth its awesome power, and linked (Hibiki) Ryouga and (Saotome)
Ranma to both the royal family of Crystal Tokyo, and to the Sun,
which would become the source of their power.
##Errrr, can we have a little more? This sounds too much as if Serenity
can just run down to the store and buy a box of "Ready Mix Royal Guard", just
add magic. ^_^
Then it seemed as though the sun came out from behind the
clouds, even though they were indoors. However, the light was
coming from Ranma and Ryouga, they were glowing with the light of
the nuclear furnace that was the sun.
As quickly as it had begun, it ended.
##Too darn quickly if you ask me. :(
One could almost hear Ryouga's bones knit, and the color
return to Ranma's skin. Their clothes had changed, too.
##descriptions please. DETAILED. Make the reader feel, see, smell
what is going on.
Both of them wore uniforms reminiscent of the Dark
Kingdom's generals (and Earth's old guardians). The trim was all
yellow, however. And on the left breast was a gem that glowed,
and contained the crescent moon logo of the Royal Family in it. And
instead of trousers, Ranma's uniform had a skirt of the same grey
fabric, yellow trim along its bottom edge, too.
##OK, not bad.
As everyone gasped in surprise,
##Why are they surprised NOW. perhaps if they gasp AFTER the crescents flare
into existence.
something else flared into
existence. On the duo's foreheads, the standard Moon Kingdom crescent
appeared, with a solid circle suspended between its tips.
* * * * * * * *
<SNIP> rather bland and standard fanfic stuff.
And, btw, what's Akane doing back home? IMO it was never made clear that
she just
turned around and left.
* * *
*Ranma? Hurt?!*
The thought flittered through Akane's mind over and over
as she ran at her top speed through Crystal Tokyo towards the
Royal Hospital.
Buildings flew past her, going slowly from the normal
architectural design used in old buildings to the new, crystalline
material that was popular, especially near the palace and the five
crystal points that denoted the edges of Crystal Tokyo.
After a few minutes, Akane approached the northeast crystal
point where the Royal Hospital was located. Another few seconds
and the doors to the Hospital were in sight.
##Now this is GOOD.
Through the doors before she knew it, Akane ran towards
the front desk, oblivious to the crowd of people waiting in the
lobby. "Where is Ranma Saotome?" The nurse waiting at the desk
pointed behind Akane, causing her to turn.
Arrayed in front of her was the assembled nobility of Crystal
Tokyo. The Royal Family, and all the Senshi stood, watching her.
##^_^
After a second, Akane snapped back to reality, and promptly
dropped to one knee. "Your Majesties!"
A voice she recognized as belonging to Princess Mercury
spoke, "Miss Akane Tendo?" Akane nodded as best she could with
her head already lowered. "Miss Tendo, please get up, thats
embarrassing."
In a fumbling and uncoordinated manner completely unbecoming
a martial artist, Akane rose to her feet and curtsied.
Queen Serenity spoke this time, "Miss Tendo, I imagine you
are here to visit young Ranma?"
##They aren't married by this time?
It's your story, but that seems very strange. Several years would have
passed before
the "sleep" and the founding of Crystal Tokyo and it seems reasonable to
assume Ranma and Akane would be married by then. Not essential to the
story, perhaps. Just one of those little things I like to have explained.
OTOH that explanation may come later in the story. ^_^
"Ah," Akane stammered, "Yes, Your Majesty."
"Please, follow me. She is right this way." Queen Serenity
stretched out her hand and pointed down the hallway.
Akane moved quickly to follow her Queen, ending up following
three steps behind her. Noticing that the rest of the nobility
followed behind her, Akane felt sort of nervous, as though she were
imposing upon them.
For one dreadfully long minute, they walked in silence. Then
Queen Serenity turned her head ever so slightly and began addressing
Akane. "Miss Tendo, how long have you known Ranma?"
Akane thought back to the day her father had first called her
and her sisters in to announce their engagement to Ranma. Doing a bit
of quick math she came up with the figure. "2 years, Your Majesty."
##???OK, now I'm confused. Crystal Tokyo is founded in Ranma/Akane's senior
year of H.S.?
(depending on which calender you use.) When they meet Akane/Ranma are 16.
At the end of the series they are in their next year of school, 17 (again
depending on how you do your calculations)
This just seems . . .odd.
"I see. I'm curious as to your relationship, is Ranma a
friend of yours?"
"Ah, no, Your Majesty. Ranma is my fiance."
Though Akane couldn't see it, Serenity's eyes got a bit
larger than normal. "Interesting." Princess Uranus was impressed,
and decided to encourage the young couple. "It is wonderful to see
two young women so open about their love in this day and age. Things
were so constrained before the founding of the Silver Millennium."
##Cute. And just when WAS the founding of the "Silver" Millennium???
Eyes widening impossibly, Akane sputtered. "Two young women?"
"You and Miss Ranma."
Forgetting that she was in the company of royalty, Akane
doubled over in laughter and nearly fell to the floor. Quickly,
Queen Serenity stopped and turned to Akane. "Miss Tendo, what is
the matter?"
"Hah.. ha.. ah.. Oh.." Akane wheezed as she tried to catch
her breath. "The thought of Ranma being called 'miss'. I guess you
found him when he was a girl, right?"
##Cute
A quizzical look crossed Queen Serenity's face before
practiced reflexes concealed it. As she turned to continue walking,
she requested, "Miss Tendo, maybe you would care to explain why
young Ranma is a 'he'?"
* * *
The nobility of the Silver Millennium had gotten quiet
once explanation had been given. They didn't like to think about
the fact that things like Jusenkyo still existed in this day and
age,
##Now wait one darn minute, they've got talking moon cats, transforming
sailor suited warriors for love and justice, the death busters, dead moon
circus
and THEY have the nerve to protest a little thing like a cursed
spring?(springs)
everything was supposed to be perfect.
##Ummm, what happened to Serenities �speech' about free will at the
beginning of this thing?
Now Akane walked in
the midst of them, head hung, wondering just how big the hospital
was. It seemed like they had been walking for just short of forever.
Just as that thought crossed Akane's mind, Princess Pluto
sneezed. And, just as soon as she was done excusing herself, she
announced, "Your Majesty, I must take my leave of you to return to
the Gates of Time." A quick bow following Queen Serenity's nod,
and she was gone in a burst of light.
Akane couldn't help but stare. Watching Princess Pluto
vanish reinforced the fact that the nobility of Pluto lived for
aeons in their guardianship of the Gates of Time.
##OK, vanishing in a burst of light is impressive, but why
does that reinforce the fact Pluto (or Pluto's) live for aeons?
"Ahem," Princess
Mercury cleared her throat, "Miss Tendo? Here we are.."
Forgetting her manners, Akane rushed into the room, kicking
up a breeze that fluttered the hair of the gathered nobility.
* * *
<SNIP>
"Guardians? Like bodyguards and stuff?"
"Something like that. We did so without your permission,
though, and in return for saving our lives, so you are not bound
to serve us. If anything, we owe you even more for placing such a
burden on you without your permission."
Ranma stared blankly at her Queen.
"I dunno.."
"You have all the time you desire. You may even change your
mind later, you owe us nothing, and we owe you our lives. Should
you take the job, we will probably come to owe you our lives many
times over.
##???OK, first everyone has free will, then the royals are upset because
everything isn't perfect NOWt they're talking as if assassins are hiding
behind every tree. AND if THIS is true what the heck were Serenity and CO.
doing in the park w/o any guards? THIS, IMO, is a major plot problem.
Now if only young Ryouga would wake up so that I could
explain things to him.."
##And another thing . . .I suppose the time line could be very different .
. .and there is no OFFICIAL link between Ranma and SM. But I'm trying to
figure out how Crystal Tokyo got founded, Usagi became Serenity, had
chibi-Usa, won against the Black Moon Kingdom (and Galaxia) and Ranma/Akane
have only been together for two years???
Ranma smiled, "Thats easy."
"HEY PIG-BOY! WAKE UP!"
##<VBG> OK, this one line was almost worth the price of admission. <LoL>
* * * * * * * *
Princess Mercury stood, staring at the wall.
For most people, this would be intensely boring.
For someone with the Mercury Computer and a device for
viewing the results of its scans, it is a perfect way to spend
boring minutes while your Queen meets with her latest saviors.
##Cute
As she watched the outlined form of one Ryouga Hibiki bolt
upright, she listened to Princesses Uranus and Jupiter commiserate.
"It just isn't right," began Jupiter, "we've been protecting
her since the beginning, and now she is going to have two teenage
hot shots protect her."
"Indeed. Pluto said that the Royal Family's Guardians
of old hardly wielded any power, and were only useful in large
numbers. Even if these two are some sort of hot-shot fighters,
we should still be the ones defending our Queen."
##Ummm, who is this? At first I though it was Mercury, but the next line
seems to kill that notion?
##OK, read back up and figured out it's Uranus. Took me a while though. Might
be a good idea to make it clearer.
Mercury ended up filtering out the rest of their
conversation, as it degenerated into disparaging remarks about
Ranma's hair style, Ryouga's fangs and anything else the two of
them could make up.
##??? Seems a bit OOC. Esp. the part about making things up.
I'd think it more probable they would be talking about Ranma/Ryouga
ability to protect the royals.
Instead, she focused on the information her computer was
feeding her about Ranma and Ryouga. If she hadn't already seen the
rate at which they could heal, she would've sworn that her computer
was broken. A few brief calculations confirmed her guess, between
the magic and their own natural healing rate, the two would show
no physical sign of having fought the demon by early the next morning.
The insidious dark magic was not as readily dispelled, though.
##Nice.
* * * * * * * *
Ranma slapped her forehead again.
##Why isn't Ranma slapping Ryouga?
"Ryouga! Hey, Ryouga! Did you hear what she said?"
Shaking him violently, Ranma managed to uproot his eyes
from their previous fixation, Princess Usagi.
"Eh? Yeah, sure. They're having a double coupon day at the
local market tomorrow."
##<LOL> ^_^ I'd use the name of an actual store. You can find one by looking
on line or in a Japanese Travel Guide. For instance "Tsukiji Fish Market".
Generally people will say "It's double coupon day at Winn Dixi" or "It's
double
coupon day at the Fresh Market."
"It's double coupon day at the _local market_" sounds very artificial, a
little
like "main street, USA." ^_^
Everyone except Queen Serenity face faulted. And even she
wanted to.
##<groan> face faults are VISUAL effects found in Anime. ^_^
IMO this is a common fault in fanfic writing. It's a generic description that
has meaning in the context of fanfiction but does not really
provide a satisfactory description. However it seems to be
accepted usage (not by me) so it's use is, again, stylistic.
Although the idea that Serenity wanted to face fault seems VERY odd,
even allowing for common usage of the term.
"No you moron, she said that she was offering you a position
as one of the Royal Family's Guardians."
Ryouga developed an intense look as he thought. Ranma was
sure she could feel gears grinding and frictional heat building up.
"So, this would mean that I'd spend a lot of time around
you and your family?"
Serenity nodded, "Yes, preferably you would reside at the
Palace, though, as I told Ranma, we owe you our lives, and so you
may request whatever arrangements you desire."
Eyes glancing briefly at Princess Usagi, Ryouga gave a
strong, firm nod, "I'll do it!"
##Cute. Nice segue.
Ranma studied Ryouga carefully before announcing, "I guess
if Ryouga can do it, I can, too."
"Wonderful," Serenity smiled, "we can begin to make
arrangements immediately."
- - - - - - - -
--
##Overall: Interesting idea. Some cute spots. A few LOL scenes.
However, the writing is very spotty and in some cases extremely
convoluted. This is not a fatal problem as the author as shown the ability
to write clever and funny dialogue and visually interesting scenes. The
less developed areas read as if they were rushed rather than carefully
thought out and written.
Two major plot problems are:
1)The time line, telescoping what appears to be a great deal of SM time
into only two years of Ranma time.
2)The need for bodyguards. The story seems to flip-flop between the idea that
things are peaceful in Crystal Tokyo to the concern that the royals are under
threat of constant attack. It is also NOT clear why the senshi are no
longer protecting Serenity.
The given explanations seem, IMO, a bit contrived. These ideas need more
development.
The story has possibilities and, IMO, is well worth continuing.
As always, this C&C is In My Opinion
_ONLY_.
Take what you find useful and disregard the rest.
Good Luck. ^_^