Hi,
This has Akane in a starring role so I'm predisposed to consider this
one of the three greatest fanfictions ever written even before
I read it. ^_^
However I will restrain myself and give comments ##
as I read.
From: "DaveCatt" <catthouse@lweb.net> | Block address
To: "FFML POSTING" <ffml@fanfic.com>
Subject: [FFML] [FFML][Fanfic][R1/2][Xover] Kyuuketsuki Satsujinsha No
Akane Pts 1+2
Date: Thu, 18 Nov 1999 12:05:30 -0500
>SNIP>
AKANE THE VAMPIRE SLAYER/KYUUKETSUKI SATSUJINSHA NO AKANE
A Ranma 1/2-Buffy The Vampire Slayer Crossover
By: The Leaping Gnome
Disclaimer: The Ranma 1/2 and Buffy Characters are copyright
their respective owners and are used here without permission but
with great admiration.
Note: Events in this story take place after the third season
finale of Buffy, but before the beginning of season four.
IN EVERY GENERATION, THERE IS A CHOSEN ONE...
Buffy sighed, twirled Mr. Pointy, her good-luck stake. The
misty graveyard got pretty cold at night, even at the end of
June, making her shoulder-length blonde hair cling to the back of
her neck. Absent-mindedly brushing her bangs back over her ears,
she sighed.
##That's twice she's "sighed". :(
<SNIP>
Sunnydale was pretty boring in the
summertime. Nothing much seemed to happen, aside from the nightly
vampire attacks that is.
##Good except for this last line. Seems a little flat. delete or change
<SNIP>
The second, unseen vampire
leapt at Buffy's exposed back.
"Look out!!!"
Buffy whirled in time to see the second vampire slammed to
the ground by a powerful flying side-kick delivered by a
short-haired Asian girl wearing a white karate outfit.
##Wheeeeee!!!!{But I'd lose the karate outfit. It just seems . . .strange.}
<SNIP>
"You should go home, miss." The girl said in heavily
accented, halting english. "Is not too safe in such places, yes?"
"Uh... yeah... who *are* you, anyway?"
"Veddy... ahem, *very* sorry. I am Tendou Akane, Youma
Slayer. Forgive please, I must go now..."
##???!!!
OK, loose the "Veddy". And try not too make Akane sound so
much like a badly dubbed Kung Fu flick. She's Japanese
not Chinese ^_^ And there's no reason to assume her English
isn't pretty good. Give her fractured English if you wish. And a little
"flavor" of Japanese in her English could be good. This just seems
a bit heavy handes. I'm not too sure about the Youma Slayer, but I'll
see how it goes as the story progresses.
<SNIP>
Buffy made a face, and walked in. There were two asian girls
and an young, bespectacled asian man sitting in the living room.
"Hey! That's her, Giles! You know her?" The man and Akane
stood, dragging her sulky looking red-haired, pigtailed companion
to her feet as well. [A red-haired asian girl? Gotta be a
dye-job], Buffy thought to herself, her fashion instinct in full
gear.
##Wheeeeeee!!!again. Nice dialogue. Good segue.
<SNIP>
Well, that's peachy, but what are they doing
here? Wait! Don't tell me. She's here to replace Faith, right?"
"Exactly. When Faith, er... died, last month, Akane was
activated as a Slayer. The Watchers Council arranged for her to
spend the summer here, so that you could take her under your
wing. Unfortunately, they neglected to inform *me*, so I haven't
made arrangements for their lodgings yet.
##Hmmm, OK. I still want to know more background on
how Akane became a slayer but I _suppose_ I can give you
time to develop YOUR story in YOUR own way. ^_^
{I was rather hoping Akane would just stumble into the slaying business . . .
oh well. }
"Well, gee Giles, gimme a sec, I'll call Mom. Maybe we can
put them up at our house."
##Oh . . .THAT's going to work just FINE. ^_^
"Buffy dear, there's a flying boat out side with Seven Lucky God's . . .
are they friends of yours?"
<SNIP>
"Gee, uh, thanks!" She bowed back akwardly. "You're a lot
nicer than some other Watchers I've met... err, present company
excluded..." she finished, apologetically, to Giles. Akane
tittered. Ranma merely looked confused.
##Tittered??? AKANE!!!
Chuckled maybe, guffawed possibly. Laughed out loud, definately.
I don't see Akane as a titter-er. (Unless this is a lemon?)
* * *
<SNIP>
"How do you mean, hard on her?"
"Before my powers were awakened, Ranma was very proud of
having superior skill at the martial arts. Since I assumed my
duties, Ranma can no longer beat me."
##???OK, I can see that Ranma might be upset with Akane risking her
life. And it might be that Akane has got an advantage fighting Vampires
and other un-dead creatures. But please recall that Ranma killed a demi-god
(Saffron). I'd say that a Slayer would be on a par with Ranma in most
ways. And I don't recall that slayers have ch'i attacks. (I may be
a bit premature on this though. ^_^ )
<SNIP>
"Wow. Lesbian arranged marriages. Japan really *is*
different... well, here we are!"
##^_^ <bg>
They arrived at the Summers home. The lights were on, so
Buffy went in the front door instead of climbing back in through
the window like she normally would. Joyce Summers met them at the
door.
"Hello, girls!" Joyce said, a little loudly and slower than
her usual speaking voice. "I'm Buffy's mother, Joyce. It's very
nice to meet you."
[Guy, Mom! They're japanese, not deaf.]
##Guy??? and Japanese. ^_^ )
"It is very nice to meet you, Summers-san. I am Akane
Tendou, and this is Ranma Saotome. We are very honored to be your
guests." Akane bowed. Ranma, after a quick cuff from Akane,
followed suit.
##Hmmm, OK, looks like you were trying to show Akane's English slipping under
stress in graveyard. Good. Still a little cheesy though. Smooth it out and it
should be fine. (esp. get rid of "Veddy". <groan> )
<SNIP>
"Hai..Yes, I tavel in China veddy moch. Arigatou... Tenk
you."
##<eeeee> Not another "veddy".
<SNIP>
* * *
<SNIP>
"Lesbians and Xander are a dangerous mix..."
"Don't tell me Xander's prejudiced!"
"No... let's just say that he's a big lesbian fan. Go-o-o-o
Lesbians!"
##^_! Errrr . . .did I miss this episode? or is this for your story?
(just asking) Cute dialogue. <BG>
<SNIP>
* * *
A few minutes earlier, after they had unpacked their things,
Akane and Ranma stared shyly across the bed at one another.
"< Boy, these Americans are pretty liberal, huh?>" Ranma
said in japanese.
""
""
""
""
""
""
""
" She emptied the hot
water bottle over her head. ""
##???What's with the "" ????
* * *
<SNIP>
"Who.. what... is *he* doing here? Who *is* that?! Where's
Ranma?"
The dark haired boy looked panicked. He backed away,
babbling in japanese.
"Gomenasai, Buffy-san! Watashi-wa Saotome Ranma desu..!"
Akane's eyes rolled heavenward.
"Ranma! Eigo hanashite bakayo!"
She turned to Buffy, an apologetic look on her face as she
continued in english.
"Buffy-san, he *is* Ranma. This very long story..."
##Hmmmm. I'll have to think about this. On the one hand it makes perfect sense
to have them lapse into Japanese under stress. OTOH it breaks the pace of
the story. I think it's a brilliant idea . . .just needs a little revision to
keep from losing the non-Japanese speakers. ^_^
<SNIP>
"" Willow's japanese
had come back fast.
"" Ranma replied,
shrugging.
"What's he saying, Wil?"
"Hold on Buffy, this is neat.
""
""
""
""
##:( I don't like this bit at all. I esp. find the ,,,, annoying in the
extreme.
On the plus side it's the first time I HAVEN'T liked what you're doing.
IMO go back and re-do this WITHOUT the ,,,,
<SNIP>
"Oh, sorry, Buffy... Just a second. I think I have a spell
here for languages, just let me dig it out..."
"That's my little Sabrina!"
##???At first I thought Buffy had named the spell-book. ^_^
<SNIP>
"It's not so bad... At least you make a cute girl..."
"That's the worst part! I don't know how american high
school guys are, but japanese ones are animals! There's this one
jerk, Kuno, tries to jump my bones every time he sees me in
girl-form. I've been sexually harrassed, fondled, groped and
molested, not to mention becoming the favorite victim of a dirty
old panty-stealing man... I've even had nude pictures of me sold
to half the school! Believe me, It's a relief to get out of that
nuthouse... Even if it's only for the summer."
##Just a little too smooth for Ranma. Unless the "spell"
taught him grammar as well? (and that would be a shame. Now
he speaks English better than he does Japanese)
<SNIP>
"Your dad sounds like a total weenie..." Willow commented.
"Definitely."
"I think your dad and my dad should get together and go
bowling..." Buffy murmured.
##^_^
<SNIP>
The two american girls left, closing the door quietly behind
them. Akane turned to Ranma, speaking in japanese.
""
""
""
""
""
* * *
##<eeeeep> there's that ,,,, thing again. IMO you can delete it
w/o losing anything.
<SNIP>
They met down at the waterfront, where the
fog and the canal provided plenty of escape routes should The
Slayer pay a visit...
"Awright, youse mooks!
##<groan> Excellent work until this. You might want to do a little
research on dialects. ^_^ {i think it's the "youse" that really got me.}
Other than this you're doing an EXCELLENT
job. I'm enjoying this story very much.
<SNIP>
. Think about it..." A murmur of agreement passed
through the crowd. Big Paulie had a rep as a stand-up guy, for a
vampire... Charlie Finster, a Chaos demon from the fifteenth
host of the Abyss, raised his hand.
##<VBG> Roberts Rules of Order for the Undead. I love it.
"<SNIP>
The male was tall,
at least six feet, with long straight black hair swirling around
his shoulders. Moonlight glinted off the round sunglasses he
wore. His hands were hidden in the wide sleeves of his black silk
shirt crossed across his chest. His companion was no less exotic.
Much shorter than the man, she wore a matching black silk outfit,
gathered at the waist and ankles. She held a pair of spiked maces
in her hands, and her shockingly-purple hair was elaborately
styled, held in place with silver combs and ornaments. Her
oriental eyes flashed with a red vampiric light. Once all eyes
were upon him, the man spoke again.
##<eeeeep> Now THIS is a surprise.
Hmmm. Darn, and I LIKE Shan Pu. (Mu Tsu you can slay all you want.
And Kuno would be improved by a good staking. And Happosai. And
Taro. And . . .)
<SNIP>
.
"C'mon, ya dumb chink! I pass scrawny little geeks like you
in my stool !!"
##ewwwww. Vivid imagery. I think I'll go lie down in a dark
room until I can forget.
The tall asian man chuckled, and leapt straight up. For a
moment, he was silhouetted against the fog-shrouded moon.
Throwing his arms out, his wide sleeves billowed open, and a
flurry of bio-mechanic...things...
##???bio-mechanic...things seems odd. I'd try another description.
shot out, pinning the american
vampire to the bulkhead of the tanker. Paulie was stuck like a
bug, the metallic, cord-like tendrils of metamorphic flesh
pulsing before growing barbs and knife-like edges. He screamed as
the blades tore through his undead flesh, causing excruciating
pain.
##errrr, I think we already KNOW it's painful. I'd delete that line
as redundant. IMO you should keep it short and sharp.
Good other than that.
The other ends remained attached up the oriental vampire's
sleeves, writhing as through each tentacle was independently
alive.
"Hyaargg! D'ya... this'll finish me...punk? You're...
dumber'n y'look..." Paulie flexed his corded, screaming muscles
hard, ripping away from the bulkhead and falling to the ground.
Unsteadily, he rose to his feet, ropy pseudopods still piercing
his body.
"Heh-heh... I am not done yet, round-eye..."
##I thought this was still Paulie speaking. :(
<SNIP>
"My dear? Would you take care of this? I've grown bored..."
"Yes, my Airen... "
##???Now THIS is strange. I'll assume that Mu Tsu became a vampire first
in order to get Shan Pu.
<SNIP>
The crowd gasped in horror and glee.
##gleeful horror? The crowd doesn't seem to have a wide range
of emotions.
<SNIP>
"Know then, that I am Mu-tsu. My beloved is Xian-pu. By
tomorrow night, we shall be your lords..."
##Hmmm. Know then thaat Kleppe-sama is going to get you for
the naming conventions. (I should know. ^_^ I NEVER
manage to get the names right.) I am un-dying to know
exactly how THIS little turn of events came about.
{And darn it I LIKE Shan Pu. :( OTOH I suppose
Kodachi is too obvious. And a vampire that only
drinks okonomyaki sauce isn't too scary. ^_^ }
* * *
<SNIP>
. I have watched
as two young girls died in that capacity, and seen a third's life
turned upside down. I am *quite* tired of my duties, and have
been looking forward to a vacation. So I must ask again, sir; Why
have you come?"
"Ah... Well..." The younger man
##???Hmmm. I wouldn't have thought Toufu that much younger.
sat on the edge of the bed.
<SNIP>
"He attempted to conjure a minor demon to grant him power
enough to defeat Xian-Pu so that she would accept his suit as
legitimate, but he made a mistake during some part of the
incantation. The demon possessed him, and-"
"Made him a vampire. Oh dear..." Giles mopped his forehead
nervously.
"Yes. With the powers granted him by his vampiric state, as
well as his existing skill in the martial arts, he was easily
able to defeat Xian-Pu. By her own law, she was his to do with as
he pleased. He promptly made her his vampiric consort, and
together they went after his only rival, Ranma Saotome."
##^_^OK, that takes care of THAT question. And reasonably
neatly too.
"Akane's iinazuke."
"Exactly. Her powers as a Slayer were activated during Mu-
Tsu and Xian-Pu's attack on her family's Dojo. She and Ranma
managed to fight them off, but there were casualties. The Dojo's
founder, Happousai, was slain by Xian-Pu after he unwisely
attempted to commit a mischief on her person. His death was not
greatly mourned. Kuh-Lohn, Xian-Pu's great-grandmother and
matriarch of her village, fell to Mu-Tsu in an act of vengeance.
We lost a valuable and powerful ally in her. But the greatest
tragedy was the loss of Kasumi, the eldest of the three Tendou
sisters. She f-fell to Mu-Tsu's fangs... She was so very kind and
gentle, she had no chance against him... We were t-too late to
save her..." Tears began to run down Tofu's face as the memory
washed over him. "I-I loved her, very much... I drove the stake
into her heart myself when she arose... I could at least grant
her soul rest..."
##???Hmmmm. Akane, Toufu and Ranma seem a little too composed
at the beginning if all this went on. I'd think a little more emotion, perhaps
more rage from Akane with Ranma trying to restrain her. And I'm surprised
Kuh-Lohn was defeated. Or Happy for that matter. They've both dealt
with demons and such before.
<SNIP>
"I see... Well. this *is* quite a predicament Doctor... I'm
sure Buffy would be willing to help, but... If these two vampires
are this powerful..." He sighed. "Only a week ago we faced a
Demon Ascension, and Buffy is still reeling from the fight... I'm
not sure that they *can* be defeated, not now..."
##Stakes, sunlight, holy-water, anti-tank rocket
. . .I'm sure Akane will think of something. ^_^
************************************
<SNIP>
STYLE KEY: Words in square brackets [example] are unspoken
thoughts. Words bracketed by asterisks *example* are emphasized
for effect. Words in triangular brackets are in a foreign
language, usually chinese or japanese.
##<EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE> There is nothing worse than
a KEY to explain things. If you need one, don't do it.
(Besides, you DON'T need it. VERY good writing thus far)
<SNIP>
"All I'm saying, Buffy, is that you should have shown a
little more consideration for *my* schedule. I *told* you the museum was
bringing in a shipment of rare chinese artifacts today.
##dramatic music of doom in the background. ^)^
Not rare Egyptian artifacts, not rare Mayan artifacts . . .rare CHINESE
artifacts. ^_^
<SNIP>
"One of them's a Slayer like me, Mom. We're tough stuff..."
"Please don't get me started on that, Buffy. Half the time I
don't know what Mr. Giles is thinking, letting you face things
like that... graduation day still gives me the shivers... at any rate,
I'm happy to put Akane and Ranma up, but I just wish there was
some way you could have given me more notice, that's all."
##^_^ "Mom" has a great set of lungs.
<SNIP>
* * *
Upstairs, the Summers' two houseguests were bickering in
rapid-fire japanese.
"" Girl-Ranma held a pretty yellow sundress at arm's
length. "" Akane fumed.
"" Ranma pulled a face at Akane's back. She snatched up her red top,
giving the armpits a quick sniff.
##ewwwww. Did you REALLY have to put that in. :(
"" She quickly shimmied into
the dress, only getting tangled up in the straps once.
"" Akane asked, having already dressed
herself in a pair of cutoff jean shorts and a comfy baggy cotton
top.
""
Ranma answered, tugging distastefully at the material.
"" Akane advanced on Ranma
threateningly, a 20-lb glowing wooden sledgehammer manifesting in
her hands.
"" She stepped closer. ""
##Still hate ""
also, IMO this scene could use some dialogue. there is no reason NOT to
have dialogue. (And the hammer bit is a fanfic cliche. EVERY body
uses hammers in the manga/anime. Akane usually uses whatever is at hand.)
IMO this is the worst bit so far. Excellent story to this point. and while
this is
not a ruinous scene it isn't up to the level of the rest. Try again with
some dialogue.
(OK, having finished the fic NOW I know it's a "spirit weapon". Still,
needs dialogue and explanation)
<SNIP>
"I get the idea, thanks... Now, If Akane'd just dress this
well, maybe she wouldn't look like such a tomboy all the time...
It's no wonder I get all the guys..."
"Are you sure you're really straight? 'Cause that last
statement was mondo weird..."
"'Course I'm straight!! Geez !"
##^_^
* * *
<SNIP>
I worry about Buffy sometimes. All the time, actually. What you
girls do, I understand it has to be done, but... It's so very
dangerous. I suppose it's sort of like being a police officer's
mother. You know your child is doing good work, important work,
but you still can't help but wish..." She shook her head, clearing
her throat. "Well, anyway, I imagine your parents feel much the same
way."
"Actually, Mrs. Summers, my father encourages me. He's very
big on duty. I know he must worry, though..."
##???? Are we talking about Tendou SOUN???
Joyce nodded, her
gaze growing distant.
##Akane seems very . . .cool . . .about her sisters death.
I would expect more emotion from her. Esp. as this conversation
would tend to bring back memories.
[A change of subject might be a good idea here,] Akane
thought.
##get rid of the [ ]. You do NOT need them.
"Er, these are very good waffles, Mrs. Summers."
"Hmm? Oh, I can't take credit for these, Akane. The toaster
does all the work... Speaking of work, I really have to get
going. Will you tell Buffy and Ranma when they get down that I won't be
back for dinner? There's pizza in the fridge..." She gathered up
her plates, taking them to the dishwasher. She grabbed her
briefcase, almost shyly giving Akane a quick peck on the top of
her head. "You take care, Akane." She hurried out the door.
Akane sat stunned for a moment at Joyce's unexpected display
of affection. [Wow. She's really nice. Buffy's lucky to have a
mom who cares that much... Heck, she's lucky she's *got* a mom...]
## again, I'd expect more emotion. Kasumi WAS Akane's mother in
many ways. Akane's acting as if nothing happened. In fact, other than
Toufu's brief description they are ALL acting as if nothing happened.
THIS is, IMO, a major flaw in the story.
<SNIP>
"Well, maybe Willow'll want to come. I'm not much for musty
old things. I live in the now..."
##Except for the musty old boy-friend of two. ^_^
Ummmm, wouldn't it be a nice idea to . . .mention . . .to Buffy
that she might have some more guests showing up? CHINESE guests?
<SNIP>
"Yes, well... all sarcasm aside, Buffy, we may be in serious
trouble. Dr. Tofu has answered some questions I had about this
whole affair, and I must say I am quite concerned...."
Akane looked away. Ranma froze, a bagel to her lips.
"He told you what happened in Nerima?" Ranma whispered.
"What happened in Nerima?" Buffy queried.
Giles explained to Buffy about the battle at the Tendou
Dojo. When he got to the casualty list, Akane broke down in sobs. Ranma
rushed to comfort her, hugging Akane close, her own eyes moistening.
##???Nope, doesn't work. The "break down" is too contrived.
Akane et. al should have been showing more emotion up to this point.
IMO, go back and re-write. Build UP to this point. This reads as if
you suddenly remembered a terrible tragedy . . .
"Oh my gosh Ranma, I just remembered my home has been destroyed and my
older sister, who raised me after my mother died, was slaughtered like an
animal.
I'm so distressed."
"Oh my god, guys... I'm so sorry..." Buffy looked over at
the couple, then up at Giles. "So, uh, what about these two vamps,
whatchacallem, Mousse and Shampoo?" Ranma looked up.
"Mu-Tsu. Xian-Pu. They'll follow us. You can bet money on
it." She said in a voice as cold as the grave. "I'll kill him myself
for what he did to Kasumi..."
"Get in line..." Akane whispered.
##Ummmm. Not your best dialogue to date. Again, you need to build
up to this. Not add it like a plug-n-play device.
"At any rate, Buffy... These two vampires... They are
creatures of a very different stripe than our domestic breed...
The Oriental Vampire is unaffected by crosses, for example. They are
metamorphs, and possess many other abilities that can only truly
be described as magical in nature. The techniques that must be used
to fight them... Well, it may necessitate retraining you almost
completely."
##OK, no crosses. But Shinto and Buddhism has it's own esoterica for
dealing with vampires. They have �cross' equivalents. ^_^
<SNIP>
Akane, you will teach the Manou
style, including spirit-weapon manifestation and the use of
tesseracts.
##Hmmm. OK, mallet is "spirit weapon".
As long as you have a GOOD reason. ^_^
<SNIP>
"Buffy..." Akane said quietly. "It's really for the best.
Mu-Tsu and Xian-Pu are extremely dangerous opponents. Anything
you can teach us would help..." Ranma nodded in agreement.
"Okay, whatever you guys want... There goes another sunny
summer day..."
##In Sunnydale.
* * *
<SNIP>
"" She bowed,
showing off her japanese. Tofu smiled in response.
""
""
##<deep breath> AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Please, please<whimper> NO MORE ""
for the love of GOD!!! NO MORE!!!!!!!!
<SNIP>
So as long as
you have faith in your own abilities, you're able to use it."
"Jinkies... All that from just thinking happy thoughts?"
Willow whispered breathlessly. Akane laughed softly in return.
"The Mokou Takabisha is great, so long as you have no
self-doubt. Only the very competent or the extremely stupid can
use it, since any fear you feel diminishes the power." Ranma looked
miffed.
##Ummm, and Ranma is which, again? ^_^ <VVBG>
I'd leave out the next lines and go straight to
Ranma pulled a face. IMO it's funnier if you leave the dialogue
unspoken. the reader KNOWS what Akane and Ranma are thinking.
Don't beat them over the head.
"So which am I supposed to be then? Competent or stupid?"
"You tell me, Ranma..." Ranma pulled a face. Akane responded
with a deliberately sweet smile. "The good thing is, if she
can't get a handle on this one, there's an equivalent technique she can
learn that's fuelled by fear and insecurities, the Shi Shi Hodoukan. But I
don't think we should worry about that right now, guys. We should take a
break, try things again tomorrow..."
<SNIP> some reasonably entertaining stuff. ^_^
* * *
In the basement of a deserted warehouse near the waterfront,
##Awwww. It's ALWAYS a deserted warehouse. Why not a penthouse at the Ritz?
Or at least a nice split level ranch house in the suburbs. ^_^
the latest overlords of Sunnydale's vampire underworld were
waiting out the day in a room furnished with the rescued set pieces from
Sunnydale U's production of The King and I. Mu-Tsu reclined in a
sedan chair while Xian-Pu curled up in a pile of silk-covered
pillows. Mu-Tsu grumbled irritably in Mandarin chinese.
""
## "" !!!! :( :( :( :(
Morphing his hand into a a bird-like claw, he stabbed a
talon into a tattered copy of the 1999 Sunnydale High Yearbook,
impaling the photo of Buffy Summers on the tip. He slumped down into his
cushioned chair, flinging the hardbound book across the candlelit
room. Xian-Pu strode languorously up behind him, ran a tapered
finger down his neck. Spinning around, she draped herself across
his lap. Purring quietly, she kissed his chest before looking up
into the night-black lenses that hid his eyes.
"" He smiled down on her, a hint of fang showing in the grin.
"" He lifted her chin to look into her eyes. Her gaze was distracted.
"" She looked away.
"" She curled
up tighter against him, sliding her barely-covered chest across his
with special emphasis. "" She gestured at the unconcious girl dressed in
the tattered remnants of a MacDonalds staff uniform lying on the floor.
##fast food is bad for you.
I'm not going to comment on the #$&%^$ "" anymore.
Other than saying: AAAAAAAAAA, nonononononononononono!!!!
"" He stood, gently depositing Xian-Pu
on his vacated seat. ""
"" Xian-Pu prompted.
"<*And* The Slayer, I wouldn't set foot in this backward
country...>" He sighed. "" Xian-Pu slid over to him,
rubbed his shoulders. He leaned back into the caress, a fanged smile
crossing his lips.
"" Shrugging out of her robe,
she wrapped herself around him, purring contentedly.
""
##Ok, I lied. the "" ruin this bit. give us some dialogue.
* * *
"Man. I'm hungry. Anyone for chinese?" Xander asked the rest
of the group. Everyone except for Ranma shrugged noncomittaly.
"Yeah, I could go for some. You've got chinese food here?"
##Errrrr, Chinese vampires slaughtered Akane's sister and they're
going to order CHINESE food??? Ummmm, I don't think so.
<SNIP> Ranma/Xander at the mall.
##^_^
<BG>
* * *
<SNIP>
"Isn't that the exhibit Mom's working on?" Buffy asked.
"More moldy oldies..."
"I don't see anything... Oh... My... God... Is that...?"
"Happousai's magic mirror... The Naniban, you bet..."
Ranma's eyes bugged.
##???? Mirror was broken in the manga.
"How the heck did an American museum get ahold of that?!"
##Good question.
<SNIP>
.
"Wait a minute. I've seen Star Trek...under protest, but
I've seen it... Isn't it impossible to change the past? I mean, what
happened, happened, right?"
"No, it's possible... just really, *really* dangerous. Who
knows what could happen... "
## "You'd have to be incredibly stupid to attempt such a thing." Akane added.
"Hey, why's everyone lookin' at ME?" Ranma asked.
^)^
<SNIP>
"Hey, Ranma?"
"Yeah?"
"If you need to go before you change back, don't forget to
put the seat down... Mom almost fell in this morning... That sort of thing
could make her suspicious, y'know?"
"Oops..."
<VVBG>
* * *
<SNIP>
"Mmm-hmm... " Kodachi reached up and gently stroked the
curve of Willow's cheek. Wil started, uncertain about what was going
on. "Tell, me, Willow, if I take you properly, will you relieve my
pain...?"
##Ummm, couldn't resist Kodachi-vampire? Oh well.
<SNIP>
"Ranma-Darling... So nice to see you... Do you know this
little Amerika-jin? Answer truthfully..."
"She's nobody. It's me you want..."
"Actually... no. We were just looking for a nice light
snack, and a coffee crisp didn't quite hit the spot.
##<BG>
<SNIP>
* * *
"This totally sucks, Akane. Mom's being way to uptight about
this..." Buffy grumbled to her partner as they strolled casually
through Sunnydale Memorial cemetary. The grounds were quiet, the
dead apparently staying dead, for a change.
"I understand her reasoning, Buffy... It's only two weeks to
wait. Providing nothing happens to the mirror, we should be
fine." Akane said, her attempt at optimism defeated by the sigh in her
voice.
##And of course Akane has NO reason to believe anything could go wrong. ^_^
This doesn't ring true. The mirror is a chance to save her sister. She
would have
take the museum apart to get it. You need a much better reason for Akane to
wait.
"That's the problem, though. This is Sunnydale. We're
perched scenically on top of a Hellmouth here. If there's an artifact of
amazing power, chances are someone's after it already. I just
wish that Giles and the Doc were home when we called, maybe they'd be
able to help convince Mom... she's got a bit of a soft spot for
Giles; I guess she likes men in tweed..."
"Well, there's nothing we can do about it now..." Akane said
reassuringly. "Unless..."
## . . . we smash the door, take out the guards, smash the display case
and steal the mirror. ^_^
<SNIP>
"I-I.. guess I still have a lot to learn..." Akane mumbled.
"Are you kidding? You can do stuff that'll turn these vamps
white! Or, whiter, anyway... You just have to stop letting them
scare you."
"How can you *not* be scared? These are demonic creatures!"
##back home I only had to be worried about demi-gods, demons and
cursed beings. ^)^
"Yeah, but strictly small-time on the demon food-chain.
Whatever possessed your Mu-Tsu and turned *him*... Well, these
little guys probably aren't even close to it's league... *That*
worries me."
"..."
##I don't much care for "..." either. :(
* * *
At the Sunnydale Museum of Natural History, Joyce Summers
was just finishing the tally count of the exhibition items. She
tucked a strand of wavy light brown hair behind her ear with a pencil,
sighing in relief. She loved working at the museum, but the night
before an exhibit opened was always stressful. She checked her
watch. Quarter to eleven already? Where does the time go?
She took a quick moment to check on the so-called "Naniban
Mirror." According to Dr. Alberts, the head curator, it was at
least a thousand years old, and came from a small village called
Joketsuzoku in the Qinghai Province of China. The small hand
mirror certainly was exquisite, Joyce thought to herself. It was a shame it
was cracked, but...
##Nice save. ^_^ Ehhhh. I've seen more OOC things than using a broken
mirror. And it's a VERY good story. (I do think you might bring up the
fact it was broken . . .perhaps a bit on how the Amazons repaired it. It WAS
their's originally . And something to explain how it got into the museums
hands.
Perhaps Nabiki sold it? ^_^
In the manga it was on the sidewalk in front of the Tendou home.
She secured the case with the passkey she'd been issued,
armed the alarm system and stepped back.
##I'd think the alarm would be on ALL the time.
Time to find Harry, the
security guard. He'd hang on to the key until Dr. Alberts came in at
eight. Tucking the passkey into the pocket of her skirt, she strolled
leisurely back to her office, the sound of her high heels echoing
around the darkened, marble-floored hall. At the end of the
corridor, she picked up the security phone, lifting the handset
to her ear.
There was no dial-tone.
"Funny... Oh, well. I guess i'll just have to catch him in
his office..."
She hung up the reciever, turned around, and headed back the
way she came. The security offices were at the front of the main
hall, clear across the museum from the curating staff's. She
sighed. It looked like she'd *never* get out of here...
##dramatic music to indicate she's in real trouble now.
and, of course, she's NEVER suspect something was wrong. ^_^
"Let's split up and look for the crazed maniac with the chain saw. We
can cover more ground that way."
* * *
In the security office, Mu-Tsu was polishing off a late
night snack. Harry's limp form slumped as the last light left his eyes.
The vampire pulled away, licking off his extended fangs with a
red-stained tongue.
"" He let the guard's
drained body fall to the floor like a sack of potatos.
##errr, sack of RICE might be more appropriate. He's Chinese
after all. ^_^
Suddenly, his
sensitive ears detected a sound. Freezing, he listened hard. Footfalls...
##Not a very good line. bland and cliched. Try again.
Without a sound, he leapt upwards, clinging to the ceiling
like a lizard.
##I like this. ^_^
He scuttled noiselessly forward until he was
directly above the doorframe. Twisting around so that his back
was to the ceiling tiles, he lay in wait for the hapless victim
approaching...
[Americans...] The chinese vampire thought to himself.
[Betcha can't eat just one...]
##:(
get rid of the [ ]
I'm not sure about the line.
How about . . .
"Americans . . .an hour later and you're hungry again."
^)^
* * *
<SNIP>
"Yeah, they probably brought flunkies, too. I say we're in
it pretty deep, folks." Xander added disconsolately. "Any luck
reaching Buffy or Giles?" Oz shook his head.
"No joy... We gotta get that girl a pager...
##Or at least un-dead waiting.
<SNIP>
He scrambled to his feet as the Kodachi-thing howled her
frustration, lunging face down to the pavement, her talons
scrabbling at the tiny black seeds. Xander backed away to the
edge of the alley, panting and clutching his chest.
"Wow... It worked... She's compelled to count the seeds,
just like Willow said she would be..."
##Nifty. I like these little cultural touches.
<SNIP>
"All right... We're gonna have to break out of here...
Willow, get the stakes ready. There's three goons directly outside... We
need to take them out quickly, then I can engage Sham- er,
Xian-Pu.
##??? why the problem with the name?
Oz, while Willow and I cover you, make for the van. Got it?" The others
nodded.
Willow closed her eyes, and three sharpened wooden shafts
rose out of the open dufflebag, hovering in mid-air.
"Ready..." Ranma and Oz exchanged nods.
"Here we go..."
She stood and delivered a devastating spinning side kick to
the steel door, blowing it off its hinges.
##Errr, why not just open the door? I could understand if he was trying to
hit the BG's with the door but that does not seem to be the case.
Within seconds, the
three goons were in the doorframe, snarling and reaching for the
trio. In the space of a heartbeat they were dust, Willow's stakes
plunged through their chests.
"Gogogo!!" Ranma yelled, taking the point, scanning the
alley for Xian-Pu as Oz made for the van and Willow ducked back behind
the doorframe.
"Ranma! You've come out to play! How wonderful!" Xian-Pu
landed lightly on the ground between Ranma and the van, her eyes
glowing a flaming orange. A seductive smile crossed her face,
showing fangs. "Too bad your little friend had to dispose of my
helpers, but..." She shrugged. "It is no bother. Come to me, my
love... let us embrace..."
The light in her eyes pulsed, and Ranma felt the weight of
Xian-Pu's will strike her like a wave. Unwillingly, she took a
step forward.
"That's it, my lover... come to my arms.It's been so very
long for us, hasn't it?" She held out her hands, beckoning. Under the
influence of Xian-Pu's mesmerism, Ranma's mind felt like it was enveloped
in a fog... [Shampoo's here... She's so nice, and cute... Akane's not
around... What could it hurt to let her glomp me? Maybe she brought me some
ramen...]
##Ummm, not much terror or mystery here. I'd try a re-write.
<SNIP>
[C-c-cats... Why does it always have to be cats?]
##That's right. why can't it be penguins?
She
struggled to contain her phobia, to withstand the urge to bolt
and run.
##OR to go into the neko-ken. ^_^
[Remember... This isn't really a cat... this is just a demon
that happens to look like one...
##NOT a cat at all. MUCH less scary. Ummm. OK. DEMON
cats are LESS scary than normal cats. Good to know. ^_^
A demon that terrorized your family,
killed countless innocent people, including Kasumi...] She felt
her rage build, her battle aura flaring hot as she fought her
phobia...
##Ummm, again IMO you need to build on this rage/grief bit.
Ranma/Akane only seem to remember they've had a tragedy
when it comes up in a scene. Other than that . . .nothing.
IMO makes the transition VERY bumpy.
"Xian-Pu! You want me, come and get me, you bitch!"
Xian-Pu/panther roared, leaping at Ranma, barely
overshooting her mark as her claws tore strips out of Ranma's borrowed
shirt. Ranma ducked to the left, Ki flames leaping from her body.
"What's the matter, kitty? Can't catch one puny little
human? C'mon! Come at me!" Ranma fought hard to keep the quaver out of
her voice. The vampire cat roared, tossing her head. The phosphorescent
eyes of the great cat flared and the she pounced again. Ranma dodged the
attack as nimbly as before, drawing the cat deeper into a spiral pattern.
It took everything Ranma had to keep from losing her focus and running
screaming from the demonic feline. The phrase [That's not a real cat...
That's not a real cat...]spun through her panicked mind.
##Ummm, why doesn't that work with _little_ cute kitties?
Think of something else.
<SNIP>
Back in the alley, Ranma continued to lead the panther
##Now it's a panther?
deeper into a contracting spiral, letting the heat of her anger flare.
Soon the two combatants were nothing more than a red and purple
blur, whirling closer and closer. Within seconds, they had
reached the center. At the last possible moment, Ranma threw one
superheated punch at the vampire...
"Hiryuu Shoten Ha Reversed!" She cried, as the hot energy of
her Ki struck the deathly cold aura of the vampire with a noise
like a dozen thunderclaps. A Ki-fuelled tornado sprung up from
the point of impact, the luminous bands of energy coruscating as they
picked up the undead cat and sent it hurtling end over end, howling
almost louder than the winds over the horizon.
Ranma slumped to her knees in the now-silent alley.
"I did it... "
##Very nice change on the Hiryuu Shoten Ha. Didn't see that
coming.
* * *
Joyce heard a sound like thunder echo outside. She changed
course, running for the front doors. Her face to the glass, she
squinted out into the night. Was that a... tornado?
She could see the tail of the whirlwind rise back up into
the clouds, the whole thing lit up and sparking like a fireworks
display. Joyce swallowed hard.
"Buffy...?"
She flung open the door, charging out into the night.
* * *
Inside the guard office, Mu-Tsu also heard the thunderclap.
"Saotome.... " The word was a curse on his lips.
[Best to hurry,] he thought. [The sooner the mirror is in my
possession, the sooner Saotome ceases to be a threat to my plans...
Dessert can wait.]
He retracted his claws, dropping silently to the floor. He
raised his head, using his vampiric senses to probe outwards. The
human had left...
Carefully, he opened the door, peering out into the darkened
museum.
[Now if I was a magical relic... where would I be...?]
##Ummm, he can't read the museum brochure? the one advertising the
exhibit? Every exhibit I've ever seen lists the exhibits and their location.
* * *
<SNIP>
"" He did a small
jig, before restraining himself and clearing his throat. ""
## "We will now do the dance of joy." {DBZ}
and get rid of those darn "" . Where the heck did THEY come from anyway?
He placed a clawed fingertip against the keyhole, extruding
a thin tendril of his vampiric protoplasm into the slot, expanding
the tendril to fill it. When he thought he had the right shape,
he hardened the protoplasm to steel-toughness. With a slight wince,
he turned his finger/key, and breathed a sigh of mild satisfaction
when he hear the tumblers click open. Withdrawing the digit, he
placed both hands on the glass case. Trembling with glee, he
lifted the leaded glass...
Setting off a shriekingly-loud klaxon. His shoulders
slumped.
""
##errrr, he's an incredibly evil, blood thirsty un-dean demon possessed
vampire.
Why's he trying to pick the lock? Vampire - - -smash case - grab mirror - -
-run away.
* * *
Buffy, Joyce and Akane opened the door of the guard office,
glancing briefly around before their eyes alit on the crumpled
body of Harry the guard. Joyce gave a small shriek, while Akane and
Buffy merely rushed forward to check for a pulse.
"He's dead..." Buffy rolled the corpse over, revealing the
puncture wounds in the neck. "From the looks of things, a vamp
got him."
##How DID you guess? ^_~
At that moment, the alarm went off. Akane and Buffy
exchanged glances.
"The mirror!" Both said simultaneously.
##Dialogue is a little rough. re-write. Needs more tension, considering
what's going on.
"Mom, you'd better stay here where it's safe. Akane and I'll
check it out. Don't open the door for *anyone* other than us,
understand?" Joyce nodded, her face pale. "Good. You ready, Akane?"
the Japanese girl nodded, a look of determination on her face.
"Be careful...." Joyce whispered.
##A LOT of work. From anyone else this might be acceptable. Compared
to the rest of your fic this is NOT up to par. Re-write. Stilted, bland,
cliched.
* * *
Mu-Tsu looked around frantically for a way to shut off the
alarm, panic getting the better of him for a moment.
"" He grabbed the mirror, sliding the ancient piece into one of his
many pockets. "" He glanced around, looking for the nearest window.
##Cliched again. I like a SMART villain. It's no fun if the make too many
stupid
mistakes. And I can't believe a marital artist of Mu Tsu's caliber wouldn't
have his escape route plotted.
<SNIP>
Pressing her advantage, she lashed out with
a straight uppercut kick to Mu-Tsu's hyperextended jaw. It failed
to connect. Her reach overextended,
##Too much "extended".
<SNIP>
With a flick of her wrist, Buffy sliced the appendage off
before it could penetrate. Mu-Tsu howled in agony. Hissing and
spitting, he retracted the remaining tendrils up his sleeve.
"You... HURT me!! No one hurts me!!"
##Except Shan Pu. ^_^
<SNIP>
"Buffy! Out of the way! Now!!!" Buffy sideflipped instantly,
leaving a clear path between Akane and Mu-Tsu. The vampire's eyes
widened behind his dark lenses as he saw the japanese girl facing
him. Akane's voice was a whisper, a sob, but carried easily across the hall.
"...This is for Kasumi, you undead son of a bitch..."
##^_^ Nice sentiment.
The Ki energy flared, shooting across the distance like a
thing alive. It ripped into the vampire like a firestorm, picking
it up and blasting it into the stone walls of the gallery like a
bug on a windshield. The golden light seared the undead metamorph's
flesh like sunlight until Mu-Tsu was a howling pillar of flames,
ropey psuedopods of vampiric flesh flailing in agony.
"YOU.... YOU.... AAARRRRGGGHH!!!!"
##IMO this dillutes the scene. get rid to the YOU . . .YOU at least.
Perhaps the AAARRRRGGGHH!!! It sounds . . . cheesy. You've shown his agony
without it. Just go directly to : The Mu-Tus-thing (Actually just Mu Tus .
. .I've never liked
your use of thing. perhaps once would work. You've overused it. Describe
the thing or just use the name)
The Mu-Tsu-thing
screamed, its howls merging with the roaring of the flames. "YOU... CAN'T
STOP... ME... SO... EASILY!!!!"
The flaming thing stepped forward, a blazing claw shooting
towards Akane's prone form. Buffy, in a split second reaction,
leapt across the floor in a roll, grabbing Akane and dodging the
living firebrand...
The sprinklers kicked in.
The Mu-Tsu-thing disappeared in a cloud of steam that rapidly
filled the room. The howling ceased, to be replaced with the steady
hiss of water raining down from the ceiling.
When the steam cleared, Buffy opened her eyes hesitantly...
The gallery was a shambles. The sounds of approaching sirens could
be faintly heard, growing louder.
"Akane?!" Buffy whispered. The insensate girl didn't respond.
"Akane! Wake up! C'mon, girl, wake up!" She shook her roughly,
stopping when the japanese girl moaned.
"Uhnn... Did we get him?" She opened her eyes slowly,
groaning.
"I guess so... I lost sight of him when the sprinkler system
turned on... What the hell did you do?!"
"The Shi Shi Houdoukan... Grief Ki Blast... I did it for my
sister..."
##Ummm. A little bland still.
Perhaps:
"Gyokusai . . . Yurushi . . .Tenmou." Akane stared grimly at the charred
and blasted section of the museum.
"Beyond Death, Without Mercy . . . Without Forgiveness . . . Heavens
Vengeance" Buffy
shivered at the cold rage in Akane's voice as Willow's translations spell
rendered the words
literal meaning to her.
Give's Akane a new attack AND let's you work in the Ten from Tendou. ^_^
Plus the reader knows why she did it. Let Buffy figure it out.
<SNIP>
*************************************
<SNIP>
VERY good over all. Some rough spots. Some VERY annoying
things. (^_^)
BUT
A very good read. Nice work. Good story telling. Keep up
the good work.
Ja Ne!
Filthy Kasumi Quote of the Week:
"Oy my... So dark and inviting...."