What Price Love
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By: Jon Osborne
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Disclaimer: I claim none o' dis stuff
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Lemon Warning: Some parts within this fanfic could be considered
lemon. Parents hide this from your kids.
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It was an unusually quiet night in the Tendo Dojo. Soun and Genma were
out celebrating (read: drinking) over the fact that Ranma and Akane didn't
have one cross word for each other over dinner. (Actually they didn't talk
over dinner at all, but the two men would find any excuse to drink.)
Kasumi was out to a movie with Dr. Tofu, who had finally worked up the
nerve to ask her out. Nabiki was off extorting money from Kuno(though she
referred to it as a date.) That left Akane and Ranma home alone. They
were sitting on the sofa in the living room watching TV.
Akane glanced over at Ranma. <C'mon Akane, get with it. You know
there won't be a better time for this for a while yet.> she thought to
herself. She turned to face Ranma. "Ranma, we need to talk."
"What is it Akane?" asked Ranma.
"Ranma, do you love me?"
Taken aback by the question, Ranma began with his usual answer. "Are
you nuts? How could I love a violent, uncute tom..." Ranma stopped in
mid-insult when he saw the pained look on Akane's face. <Whoa! She's
serious! What am I gonna do?> *sigh* <Guess I'll have to bite the
bullet.> "Akane, I'm sorry. I...I...guess I do."
Akane's mind raced. <He really does love me, but I need to know for
sure. I need to hear him say the words so I can be absolutely sure.> "I
need to hear you say it Ranma. Those four little words 'I love you Akane'
Can you say them?"
<Whoa! She really _is_ serious.> "I...I...I l-l-l-l-lo-lo-
loveyouAkane." He finally rushed out. He saw a sad little smile cross
Akane's face. <What was that for?> he wondered.
"Would you do anything for me Ranma? Would you sacrifice your life for me?"
Confused by this line of questioning, Ranma answered, "You know I would
Akane. I'd do anything to protect you."
"Not just to protect me Ranma. Would you sacrifice anything for me out
of love?"
Suddenly suspicious, Ranma asked "Why?"
Realizing it was time for an explanation Akane replied, "Do you
remember when we first met Ranma? How I said I didn't like boys?"
"Uh...yeah."
"Well I was serious. I have absolutely no attraction towards boys."
"You mean..."
"Yes Ranma, I'm a lesbian."
"Then you don't love me."
"No...and yes."
"Huh?"
"When you try, you can be sweet, kind and loving. That really attracts
me. But, you're also a guy, which repels me. When you're a girl...It's
been all I could do to keep myself from coming on to you since the first
day we met. The only reason I called you hentai all those times was to
hide my own feelings for you."
"Wait a minute! You walked in on me deliberately in the bathroom that
first day didn't you? You wanted to see my girl half naked. All this time
I'm the one who should be calling you hentai! Akane no baka!"
<This is not going as well as I'd hoped. I've got to get this
conversation back on track.> thought Akane. "Ranma, please listen to me,
I'm trying to say something here. I have an important question for you.
You can yell at me later."
Taken aback, Ranma simply said, "So what's so important Akane?"
"I want to love you Ranma, I really do, but I don't think I can fully
give myself and my love to you while you remain half a man. Ranma, would
you, out of love for me, give up your manhood so we could be together?"
"What?!?! No way! Ya gotta be kidding!"
"Ranma please. What if I could prove to you that it was better being a
girl than a guy? Then would you forsake your manhood for me?"
"How do you plan on proving that?"
"Sexual pleasure." Before a stunned Ranma could say anything, Akane
continued. "I'll perform some foreplay and oral sex to both of you. If
you get more pleasure as a guy then I'll give up my claim on you and you
can marry Ukyo or Shampoo. If you get more pleasure out of the sex act as
a girl, then you'll promise to give up your male form out of your love for
me. Well Ranma, do you accept my challenge?"
"You know I never back away from a challenge."
"OK then, let me get a glass of water from the kitchen, then we'll go
up to my room and do this."
***
Up in Akane's room, a naked and very nervous Ranma sat on the edge of
Akane's bed, with a naked Akane on her knees between Ranma's legs. Akane
was lightly caressing Ranma's inner thighs in nervous, jerking motions,
causing little shivers to run through his body, and his shaft to grow with
Akane's closeness. Akane then moved her hands to Ranma's shaft directly,
causing it to become fully erect. She bent over it and started licking it
up one side and down the other, causing Ranma to moan in pleasure. She
moved to just the tip of his penis and began to suck slowly on it. Ranma's
moans became louder. Fearing Ranma wouldn't be able to hold out much
longer, Akane took Ranma's entire shaft in her mouth, rubbing her tongue
along it as she did so. She began a quick bobbing motion with her head,
that Ranma soon matched with his hips, increrasing the number and volume of
his moans. Shortly after Akane began the deep throat blow she felt Ranma
tense in her mouth, and then his sperm came bursting out in a rush. As a
reflex, she swallowed, and then it was over.
She stood and looked at Ranma. He was collapsed back on her bed,
panting. She grabbed the cup of water off her desk and turned back to
Ranma. With a faint smirk she said, "C'mon Ranma, we're not done yet." as
she tossed the water on him. Having never seen Ranma change while naked,
she watched in fascination as he became a girl. His penis rapidly shrank
and inverted as his waist thinned, his hips expanded and his chest grew
into a pair of well formed breasts. "Now it's Ranma-chan's turn."
Any exhaustion Ranma had been feeling from Akane's blow job disappeared
with the shock from the cold water. Ranma-chan sat up. "OK Akane. Let's
get this over with." she said, confident it couldn't feel any better than
it had just a few minutes ago.
Akane sat on Ranma-chan's lap and began to play with the newly created
girl's breasts. Ranma-chan gasped in surprise and pleasure as Akane's
touch caused little sparks of electricity to pass throughout her body.
Soon Akane had moved to Ranma-chan's nipples and the sparks winging through
Ranma's body increased in strength and number. Ranma had her head tilted
back and was moaning from the pleasure. She felt a hot wetness gather
between her legs as Akane's ministrations continued. A louder moan escaped
Ranma's lips as Akane began suckling one breast and then the other. The
wetness increased between Ranma's legs in time with the increasingly
pleasurable bolts of electricity emanating from Ranma's breasts. Akane
lightly touched Ranma's inner thigh with her free hand, while suckling one
breast and massaging the other. Ranma could no longer control herself and
she went rigid as an orgasm exploded through her body, punctuated by an ear
piercing scream of pleasure from Ranma.
Akane smirked as she recognized the orgasm overtake Ranma. <Orgasming
already and I haven't even touched Ranma's slit. Ranma-chan is all mine
for sure.> "Well, enough foreplay. Let's get down to business."
Once again, Akane took a kneeling position between Ranma's legs.
Without warning, Akane dove right into Ranma's slit, tongue first. The
sudden touch of Akane's tongue pushed Ranma into another climax. Akane
just kept licking the outside of Ranma's slit. Confident Ranma wasn't
going to orgasm with the next lick, Akane pushed her tongue between Ranma's
nether lips causing her pleasured moaning to increase in length and volume.
As Akane thrust her tongue in and out of Ranma's slit, Ranma bucked her
hips in a matching rhythm. Under Akane's constant ministrations, Ranma was
quickly reaching the end of her endurance. Sensing this, Akane pulled back
for one final, all out thrust with her tongue, burying it completely in
Ranma's pussy. This put Ranma over the edge and she orgasmed for a third,
and final time.
<Whoa! I had no idea it was like that. It was totally different
from how I cum as a guy, but it felt good too.>
Ranma's thoughts were interrupted by Akane. "Well Ranma. Which
was better, as a guy, or a girl?" Ranma opened his mouth to answer, but
Akane interrupted him. "Remember Ranma, I'll be able to tell if you're
lying. Not to mention that lying would be a very dishonorable thing to
do."
"Akane! That's a cheap shot. You know I'd never do the dishonorable
thing, I'm not like oyaji."
"So what's your answer Ranma?"
"You know the only reason I agreed to this is because I l-l-lo-love
you. Because I l-lo-love you, I can say with complete honesty that I've
never felt anything as pleasurable as what I felt just now. Since I gave
my word, I will forsake my manhood for you."
Akane, now standing, reached out her arms and pulled Ranma into a great
bear hug. "Oh Ranma! You've made me so happy!" Words failing her, Akane
simply started showering Ranma's face with kisses.
The feeling of Akane's bare breasts rubbing against her own caused the
hot wetness, which Ranma now recognized as sexual arousal, to return
between her legs. Breaking her embrace with Akane, Ranma said, "I need a
good long soak in the furo."
***
While Ranma sat, soaping her body before taking a soak in the furo, she
began thinking about her current body and her decision to forsake her male
half. <I truly want to make Akane as happy as I can, but at this point, I
don't know if I can make my cursed body my permanent body. I wish I knew
how the curse worked, beyond the water trigger. Is it magic? Chi? Maybe
I should do a quick experiment.> Rinsing the soap off her body with a
bucket of cold water, Ranma stood. <Well, here goes.>
Before she could start though, Akane knocked on the door. "Ranma, can
I come in?"
"Uh, sure Akane."
Akane, still naked, entered the bathing room and stood before Ranma.
"Ranma, can I ask you something?"
"Yeah, I guess."
"Remember on Toma's island, when you had your hair almost down to the
floor. How did you get it that long?"
"Why do you want to know?"
"Well, I just love a girl with long hair, and if you could make it long
again..."
"Ah. Well, when I was still training with pop, I ate a special bowl of
soup on a training exercise. I was supposed to be stealing food for oyaji,
but I was so hungrey, I ate this bowl myself while i was still on the run.
As it turned out, that soup was a special baldness cure for men. I already
had hair, so, it made my hair grow out at a phenomenal rate. The only way
to keep it from growing was to tie it back with the special ingredient from
the soup, a Dragon's Whisker. The soup vendor, after an explanation about
my father, gave me the Whisker, cut off the extra hair that had grown and
sent me on my way. Pops never knew about it. And, because it's a male
hair restorer, my hair doesn't grow when I'm female."
As Ranma finished her explanation, Akane splashed her with hot water
from the tub, triggering the change. She then quickly untied Ranma's
pigtail and watched fascinated as Ranma's hair cascaded down his back.
"Ack...Akane, what are you doing?"
Just before Ranma's hair reached the ground, Akane dumped the nearby
bucket of cold water over Ranma's head, triggering the change and stopping
the hair growth.
Ranma stood up, irritated with Akane. "Akane! What'd you do that for?"
"I told you I liked girls with long hair, I just wanted you to be even
more attractive for me."
Ranma looked at the hair that now hung nearly to her ankles and sighed.
"Well you shoulda warned me before you did that."
Akane bowed her head. "Sorry."
Ranma took the Dragon's Whisker from Akane and quickly tied her hair
into a loose pony tail. "It's OK, I guess. Now get out of here, I want my
soak."
"I'll be waiting for you in my room, Ranma-chan."
Akane left, and Ranma prepared herself for her experiment. She stepped
into the warm water in the furo and felt the change begin to overtake her.
Applying all her concentration inward, Ranma tapped into her inner well of
chi. She pictured herself solely as a girl in both hot and cold water, and
used her unreserved love for Akane to attempt to cause her chi to achieve
this. With her eyes closed in concentration, Ranma didn't see her aura
flare bright as the sun, but she did feel the warmth of a chi healing
infuse her body for long minutes. When it was over, she dropped to her
knees in the warm water of the furo, totally exhausted. Then she realized
she was _still_ a she. Despite her exhaustion, she still managed to stand
and exit the furo. She dumped a bucket of cold water over her head and
didn't change. She then stepped back into the furo, bracing herself for
the change, but it didn't come. Ranma was one hundred percent female and
had never been happier about it.
"Akane! Come quick! You have _got_ to see this!"
Less than a minute later, Akane, now dressed in a bra and panties, was
in the bathroom. "What is it Ranma?" Akane asked worriedly.
"Stick your hand in the furo."
"So what. The water's warm."
"Think about it for a minute Akane."
Akane looked at Ranma, then the water, then back at Ranma, and suddenly
realized that Ranma was still a girl. "You're still a girl.
You're still a girl! But how?"
"Chi. I was thinking about why the transformations of the curse
worked, whether it was magic or chi, or something else. Thinking I
had nothing to lose, I stepped into the furo and accessed my well of
inner chi. I used my complete and total love for you to fuel my chi
into making this body permanent. It worked."
"Oh Ranma!" Once again at a loss for words, Akane expressed her
emotions through a fierce hug.
"Uh, Akane, I still want my soak in the furo."
"Oh right, sorry. When you get done, come to my room, I have
a surprise for you."
***
Ranma entered Akane's room to find her dressed in a simple T-shirt
and lounge pants. More clothes were layed out on the bed behind her.
Akane tossed Ranma a pair of panties and a bra. "Put these on, I want
to see how they look on you."
"What?! I'm not wearing these, I'm a gu...Oh yeah, I forgot. Are
these yours?"
"Why do you ask?"
"Well I don't want the circulation to my chest cut off, and I
don't think these'd look good hanging loosely off my hips."
Displaying an uncharacteristic bit of calm for her new lover,
Akane simply said, "Actually I took them from Happosai's latest 'haul'.
I think they should fit you."
{Author's Note: Where does Happy keep all his purloined panties
and borrowed bras? Either the walls of the Tendo Dojo are overflowing
with women's undergarments or he keeps them in lingeriespace.}
Ranma pulled on the panties easily, but fumbled with the bra. "Uh,
Akane, can you give me a hand with this. Honestly, I don't know why
girls wear these things. They just seem like a pain to me." Akane
helped Ranma into the bra, then stepped back.
Ranma squirmed in front of her. "Man this bra feels weird. I'm
taking it off."
"Oh no you don't Ranma. You need to wear a bra. But don't worry
how it feels, after a couple of days, you'll hardly notice you have it
on."
Akane tossed Ranma the rest of the clothes on the bed. "Here. I
bought these as a present for you just in case. I hope you like them."
In her hands Ranma held a purple silk blouse and black, pleated skirt.
She tossed them back to Akane and said, "I'm not sure I can wear these yet
Akane, I mean, I'm still getting used to the idea of being a girl full
time."
"What do you mean, you've never seemed to have any trouble wearing
girl's clothes in the past."
"I don't know what you're talking about Akane."
"Yeah right, Ranma. What about the times you pretended to be Ryoga's
fiancee? Or when you pretended to be Ryoga's sister? And what about that
cuteness contest with Tsubasa? You were dressed as a Playboy bunny for
Kami-sama's sake."
"Ummm..."
"And let's not forget you're Rythmic Gymnastics tournament against
Kodachi. You didn't seem to have any trouble wearing a leotard then.
Besides, Ranma, with your Soul of Ice trianing you shouldn't have any
problems wearing girls clothing. After all, you were able to pose for
lingerie shots for the old freak then."
"Okay! Enough already, you've found me out. I like wearing girl's
clothes when I'm girl. I just couldn't do it because it wouldn't be
'manly'. I had to disguise it as a scheme or challenge."
"Well, that was a little more information than I expected to get. So
you don't have a problem wearing those then."
Ranma gave Akane a quick kiss and said, "Thanks for the gift Akane,
it's a wonderful outfit. There's a kung-fu love story on in a few minutes.
Why don't you go turn it on and I'll meet you downstairs after I finish
getting dressed."
Akane went downstairs while Ranma went to her own room. The bra
still felt alien, but if she ignored it, it wasn't as noticeable. She put
on her new clothes and went downstairs to look for Akane.
She heard some noise coming from the kitchen, but ignored it as
best she could and sat on the sofa. Shortly afterward, Akane came out
of the kitchen with a couple sodas and a bag of chips. She sat down
next to Ranma, snuggling up against her. "Thank you Ranma. I love you
for this more than you can know."
Putting an arm around Akane, and relishing her closeness, Ranma
replied, "I love you too Akane."
***
Kasumi, being the first one to return that night, found Akane and
Ranma-chan asleep on the sofa together. Ranma was hugging Akane to
her, while Akane used Ranma's chest as a pillow. <Oh my! They look
so kawaii...I shouldn't disturb them.> Kasumi moved silently upstairs
and to her room. As she lay in bed, drifting off to sleep, a thought
slipped into her head. <Ranma looked awfully cute in her blouse and skirt,
but if she sleeps in them all night they'll get terribly wrinkled.>
***
About an hour later, Nabiki returned for the night, counting a
large wad of yen as she walked through the door. When she saw the two
lovers curled up on the sofa she got a calculating look on her face
and rushed up to her room.
***
In the wee hours of the morning, Genma and Soun came stumbling in
the door. When they saw the position of their two heirs, they
immediately turned around, intent to start celebrating anew, both too
drunk to recognize that both children were female. They made it as
far as the dojo before they passed out.
***
Kasumi lightly grasped the shoulder of a sleeping onna-Ranma.
She shook it gently, calling softly, "Wake up Ranma."
Ranma didn't even stir.
Kasumi shifted her grip on Ranma's shoulder, lightly touching
a pressure point. Ranma's eyes popped open.
"Who! What! Where!"
"Ohayo gozaimasu, Ranma-chan."
"Oh! Ohayo Kasumi. Is it morning already?"
"Yes it is. I'm surprised you and Akane slept down here on the
sofa all night. Maybe you should wake her before the whole morning
is gone."
"Oh no! I forgot about my sparring session with oyaji."
"I wouldn't worry about it Ranma. Father and Mr. Saotome came
home very late last night. From what I can tell, they are both
still asleep in the dojo."
<Passed out's more like it.> Ranma thought.
With a cheery smile Kasumi said, "Well, I'll be in the kitchen
preparing breakfast."
Ranma looked down at the sleeping form of Akane. She was curled
up against Ranma, with her head pillowed on Ranma's breasts. <Aw,
man! If I wake Akane in this position she's gonna call me a pervert
and kill me.> Then Ranma remembered the previous night. Ranma's
admission of love. Akane's admitted sexual preference. The
"contest". Ranma's self-made "cure." And the two of them falling
asleep on the sofa. <I hope Akane rememebers before she clobbers
me.>
Ranma put her mouth close to Akane's ear and whispered, "Akane.
Time to wake up. It's morning." Akane stirred, but didn't wake up.
A mischievous smile crossed Ranma's face as an idea came to her.
Ranma's tongue snaked out, licking Akane's ear. Akane mumbled
something unintelligible and her hand swatted Ranma's face, but she
still slept. Ranma's smile increased as another idea came to her.
She gently maneuvered Akane's head off her breasts, careful not to
wake her. Akane now lay face up in Ranma's lap. Leaning over, Ranma
planted her lips on Akane's in a passionate kiss. Still Akane didn't
stir, and Ranma thought <Man! Nothing wakes this girl.> Then, Akane
started to slowly respond to the kiss in kind. As Akane opened her
eyes, Ranma pulled away.
"So Sleeping Beauty awakes at last." Ranma said, a smile spread
across her face.
Akane's face twisted in anger, and her entire body tensed as she
prepared to clobber Ranma, then she remembered the previous night.
She relaxed and settled for a disgruntled, "Hmph! You're no Prince."
"Of course not. I can't change right now remember? And besides,
I figured a lesbian Sleeping Beauty needed a Princess' kiss to wake
her. I guess I was right."
"You're no Princess either."
"I came close. Remember Prince Toma?"
"Yeah! Well I was closer than you were. He picked me remember?"
Akane started to say more, but she saw a strange look in Ranma's
eyes. "What? Is something wrong?"
"Kami-sama, but you're beautiful." Akane was stunned. Before
she could say anything in response, Ranma went on. "Now could you
sit up before that fat head of yours crushes my legs."
Akane started seeing red, and was on the brink of summoning her
hammer when she saw the smile on Ranma's face and realized she was
only joking. "Very funny Ranma. You just can't say anything nice
without balancing it out with something mean, or stupid, or both."
"Yeah, well, you know. Old habits die hard."
Akane sat up, then stood up and groaned. "Oooohhhh...that
position may have been suitable for snuggling, but I definitely
_do not_ want to sleep like that again anytime soon."
As Akane started to do some stretches to work out the kinks,
Ranma stood up and groaned herself. "Ugh...Akane. Remind me never
to sleep in a bra again. It chafes too much."
There was a loud clatter from the kitchen that sounded like metal
striking the floor.
Ranma and Akane rushed to the kitchen. They found Kasumi
standing in the middle of the floor, the tea kettle at her feet,
leaking water. She seemed to be in shock.
"Oneechan! Are you alright?"
At the sound of Akane's voice, Kasumi seemed to snap out of her
shock and she looked around herself confused. When she saw the tea
kettle, she bent down to pick it up. "Oh my!" turning to Akane, she
said, "I'm fine Akane. Apparently I didn't dry my hands sufficiently
and the tea kettle slipped out of my grip. I'm sorry if I startled
you. I was startled myself. Don't worry about me. I've got
everything under control now." She quickly ushered them out of the
kitchen.
"That was strange. I've never seen Kasumi out of sorts like
that." Ranma said.
"I'm sure it was nothing. Kasumi will be fine."
Ranma looked at the clock on the wall. "Well, it's too late for
me to work out since I don't want to be late for breakfast. I may as
well take a bath."
"We'll take one together." At Ranma's surprised glance, Akane
replied, "I don't want to be late for breakfast either. Besides, we
need to talk where we won't be disturbed."
"Uh...Yeah, I guess so." Ranma replied.
***
As Ranma slipped into the hot water of the bath, she felt her
whole body writhe for less than a second, then stop suddenly.
Looking inside herself, she realised that what she felt was the curse
trying to work, then being stopped by her chi. With a little more
concentrating, she discovered exactly what she had done with her chi
the night before. Apparently, she had been able to isolate the
morphing effect of her curse, and surround it with a shield of chi,
preventing it from activating. Still, she didn't know how long her
shield would last.
Akane saw Ranma shudder as she entered the bath, then go into a
trance-like state. She sat in the furo next to her lover, sighing at
the water's heat and asked Ranma, "Is something wrong?"
Ranma didn't answer at first. Then, as she came out of her
trance, she said, "The change started, but was stopped by what I did
last night. I went digging to see exactly what I had done.
Apparently I was able to isolate the part of the curse that causes
the transformation and surround it in a sort of shield of chi,
preventing it from activating. It still tries though. I think the
more times it tries to activate, the weaker the shield gets, but I'm
not sure. I don't know enough about what I did. I hate to say it,
but I may have to go see the old ghoul to find out more. She's the
only one who knows enough about chi manipulation to have an answer."
Akane put her arm around Ranma, pulling the girl close. "Don't
go to her Ranma. I'm sure you can figure it out on your own. You
don't need Cologne. Besides, how do you know she won't drug you or
use some pressure point on you or something."
With a sigh, Ranma laid her head on Akane's shoulder. "I don't
know Akane. I just know I need to know more about what I'm doing."
The two girls sat in silence for several minutes enjoying the
warmth of the water and each other's presence.
Ranma broke the silence. "We should tell everyone at breakfast
about us."
"Are you sure. Isn't it too soon?"
"I'm sure. I think Kasumi heard my comment about sleeping in a
bra. Also, Nabiki's smart enough to think something's up if she saw
the two of us asleep last night. Even pop will be suspicious when I
come to breakfast as I am."
"Can't we keep it a secret a little longer?"
"No. I've finally got my feelings for you out in the open. I
don't want to hide them anymore."
"But shouldn't we let them get used to the idea of us as a
willing couple before we tell them we're lesbians?" Akane asked.
"_We_ aren't lesbians. You are. I may have agreed to give up my
manhood for you, and I may have a girl's body, but in my mind I'll
always be at least partially male. It's who I am. I may change in
body, but not in mind." Ranma stopped when he felt Akane stiffen,
and raised her head off Akane's shoulder to look her in the eye.
"I'm sorry Akane, that came out harsher than I meant it to. I love
you, but I'm still getting used to the idea that I'll be female full
time now, or at least most of the time. I can't mentally change
overnight, as much as we'd both like me to. I _need_ to tell them,
as much to get it out in the open as to further instill the idea in
myself that I gave up my manhood. This is the best way for everyone.
Can you understand that?"
"I...I suppose. I'm just frightened a little I guess. You don't
know how hard it was for me to confront just you last night. It'll
be even harder facing the four of them at once."
Ranma pulled her love into a hug and said, "It couldn't have been
any harder then the decision I made about myself. Besides, you won't
be facing them alone, I'll be with you. I'll always be here for you.
Don't worry Akane. If they love you, as I do, your father and
sisters will understand. Pop, on the other hand..."
Akane pulled away from Ranma "...Will just have to have it beat
into him." she finished.
The laughter of the two girls drowned out Nabiki's retreating
footsteps.
Author's Comments: C&C is always appreciated. MSTs too. Flames
will be forwarded to Satan, then deleted. Thank you for reading.
------------------------------
jco005@worldinter.net
JCOsborne@kansascity.com
------------------------------
Great Moments in Spellcasting History:
"Klaatu! Verrata! Ni*cough**cough*"
-Ash, Housewares from _Army of Darkness_