At 08:02 PM 11/12/99 -0500, you wrote:
You wrote:
talking to his deceased wife.
Everything was going according to the timetable set by the Dead
Sea Scrolls. Shinji, his son, would soon be called to join his mad
quest.
Would Gendou really call it a 'mad quest'?"
Yup. The way I understand his character, absolutely. Think about it. He
only wants godlike powers in order to bring his wife back. Anyone (Gendo
included, I like to think) would call that mad.
Shinji. What would Gendo tell him when he comes?
came
Oops. You're right.
How would he
explain to Shinji that he was fighting to bring his mother back; that
he was giving up his life to bring things back to the way they were?
The way things were. Gendo would give anything, do anything to
have it all back. Anything to bring Yui back.
However, as people were wont to do, Gendou forgot about the bad things that
had come with his wife, like:
Yui: Gendou! You lazy bum. Why is it your department is always lagging
behind mine? If you got off your lazy ass we might even get this project
done!
Yui: No. I have a headache and don't feel like it tonight.. Yes. I know
it's been a month. What can I say, it's a migraine.
Yui: My mother is coming over to stay with us for a few months. Damnit!
Don't roll your eyes. I'll take a goddamn wooden mallet to you if you don't
treat her with the utmost reespect.
Yui: You sonuvabitch! You left the seat up AGAIN! I hate you!
Uh... ^^; That's very close to what Kyoko is dealing with.
"Now I hardly ever cry anymore, unless I purposely dig up the
most painful memories..." She lowered her eyes. "Is that a good thing?
I try to hold on to your memory, but those who are... alive... are
slowly entering my heart."
Hmm. Was this from a scene in the manga? It seems familiar.
Yup. It's taken (and modified) from the time she visited Soichiro's grave
after realizing that the last time she went there (which was his death
anniversary, the day before) she thought of everything BUT Soichiro.
NATSUME RYUNOSUKE - YELLOW
He heard Ryunosuke sniffle and
sniffle, and
Oh. Right. ^^;
"You can't change things, Ryu-san," Kyusaku said,
heh.
^^;
MASAKI NOBUYUKI - CYAN
Nobuyuki stood at the grave, underneath a tree near the edge of
a cliff.
Hmm. It hadn't occurred to me before now, but all of these changes hinge on
the death of someone, and them not dying.
Someone found the central element!
He smiled, weakly. "Tenchi's doing fine, now. You should see
him, dear... you'd be so proud... He even lectures ME sometimes...
Well, he does need it
Ayup.
=====
PROLOGUE : BLACK
"Well, I'm off, honey," Yui said, smiling at Gendo, as
drop the comma
You're right.
Gendo stood over her, a soft smile on his own face. He gazed
proudly at his wife and son, especially his son, who thankfully seemed
to take more from
'after' would be better than 'from'
So that was the word I was looking for! Jeez!
"Hungry," was the reply over the communicator. Yui flashed
another of her sweet smiles at the camera. "You owe me dinner after
this, Rokubungi!"
Hmm. Interesting touch.
Thanks.
"Ejecting! Switching off primary wave synchronization!"
Fuyutsuki-sensei stared at the graph and at Yui in disbelief. "My God,
at a higher synchronization level who knows what that might have done
to her!"
Doomed the world?
Um... ^^;
PROLOGUE : MAGENTA
Kyoko walked home to the Otonashi Residence, shopping bags in
tow. How long ago was it? Six months, she thought, six months since
she started living there with Soichiro and his family. They weren't
anything like those stories about the horrible in-laws one would get,
marrying into a well-to-do family. If anything, they were nicer to her
than her parents were these days.
Heh. Sad but true
Yup.
"Yes, it was a close call," Mr. Otonashi agreed. "But while he
was delirious he kept calling out your name. I guess you pulled him
through, Kyoko."
Well, something did. ^_^
Uh, yeah. ^^;
Ryunosuke was slumped over the cat, chest and back bloody. He
had shielded the cat with his own body? But why? It was just a cat!
"To... To-chan..." Ryunosuke spoke, softly, "I did it... I saved
her..."
A change that wasn't for the better. A sort of like the variety of
variances with each change.
Thanks. That was the intent. Besides, it's too early to see which changes
were for the better, I'd think.
Nice work overall. I remember reading this the first time through, but
since it was a while ago I don't remember any changes you made in the
revision. it flows well. Nice work
D.B. Sommer
Thanks. I found this easier to write the further along I went. The changes
I made were rather subtle, grammatical mostly, although some changes in
word choice, just to make the story flow better and keep suspension of
belief without hitches. I think the fact that the changes are hard to
notice is a good thing.
Thank you for writing in!
=====
TimeRunner's Web Page:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7482
=====
"Whatever," her heard her say sarcastically, although he could still hear
the grin in her voice. "You'd better not be messing around back there while
I'm gone, buster!"
"Mess around? Me? I'm hurt, Yui, truly hurt."
"Uh-huh."
"No, seriously!"
- Yui and Gendo Ikari, Neon Chronicle Evangelion 0:1