"Stiffanie Flores" <stiffani@super.net.ph> wrote:
Glaring at Ranma's retreating back, Ryouga took a deep breath, visibly
struggling to keep his temper in check. He resumed his seat. *Don't
kill him yet,* he told himself. *Your revenge could wait. Think of
This is an explicitly quoted thought, so it should be in present tense:
revenge can wait.
"Hello?" a voice called out. "Ranchan?"
Nabiki suppressed the impulse to groan as Kasumi got up to greet their
unexpected visitor.
Groaning seems like a strange reaction. I think she'd either be mildly
amused at the thought of Ranma having to explain himself to Ukyo, or
worried that she might delay him from getting the cure.
It was a photograph of Akane, one he'd snatched from Kunou, along with
other pictures of Akane and his female form.
Suggest dropping the second comma; otherwise it sounds like the other
pictures are on his lap as well.
Ranma turned slowly. Ukyou was standing just inside the room, hands
clasped in front of her, looking down at him.
*Oh, man,* he groaned inwardly. *I don't want to deal with this right
now.*
Now *this* groan I can understand. :)
He'd spoken to her only once, the day after the aborted wedding. He'd
let her know just how much he thought of her attempts to blow up his
wedding. Needless to say, Ukyou had been hurt and ashamed, and had
stayed away from him for a few days, in fear of evoking his fiery temper
again.
Your call on this one, but I have a hard time believing this kind of
reaction from Ranma. None of the other stuff Ukyo's pulled on him ever
got him seriously mad at her or made him tell her off. Same goes for
Shamps, or Kodachi, or pretty much everyone else. Ranma's just not the
grudge-holding type.
"I'll be fine. Ryouga's coming with me. And I'll be back as soon as I
get Akane's cure."
"Always Akane," she said, so softly that Ranma almost didn't hear her.
Almost. She raised her eyes to his. He hurriedly tore his gaze away,
not wishing to see the pain and resentment in her eyes.
"What about me?" she cried tearfully.
C'mon, she's not THAT self-centered and insensitive that she'd cry for
attention while Ranma was trying to save someone's life. While I applaud
the fact that you're not writing her as "Saint Ukyo," I think you're
going too far in the opposite direction.
Ranma stiffened at the resentment in Ukyou's voice as she spoke Akane's
name. He looked at her a moment before answering. "What's wrong with
Akane, Ucchan?" he asked quietly. "At least she doesn't resort to using
potions and magic to make me marry her. At least she's never tried to
kill me, or blackmail me, or sell me off to someone."
He turned his back to her, leaning down to grab his backpack. With more
care than the task required, he slowly strapped it to his shoulders.
Ukyou slowly got to her feet, staring at him, her mouth agape.
"She's always tried to help me, many times even at the risk of her own
life. She may get angry very often, but she's also a very forgiving
person. She doesn't hold grudges. In fact, she's too trusting and
soft-hearted it's almost a fault," he continued, thinking of
Ryouga/P-chan.
This whole scene comes off to me as kind of character-argumentative --
like the author giving opinions on the characters. Even though I agree
with pretty much all of it, I think it could be done in a more natural
way.
But Ukyou was different, he realized. He couldn't hurt her. She was
important to him, too. She was his best friend, and he didn't want to
give that up.
No she wasn't. That's fanfic cliche, for which there's absolutely no
support in the manga. Ranma treats Ukyo at best like a casual friend,
and at worst like a nuisance; she treats him like a prize to be won.
It would be hardest to let Ukyou go. She was a friend, a sister, a
devoted confidant, all rolled into one. And when he told her he didn't
love her, he knew he would lose all of that.
She's not a confidant. All of these heart-to-heart talks that she and
Ranma supposedly had are fanfic cliche with no support in the manga.
*I wish to God you'll find someone else, Ucchan,* he thought sadly.
Suggest using a different expression. I think it's safe to say Ranma
isn't a Christian. :)
Ranma shook himself out of his stupor. *I have a mission,* he thought
decisively. *I have to do this.* He looked at her, a tender light in
his eyes.
"Please don't look so sad," he told her. "I'm doing this for you."
At that moment, looking at her stricken face, he made up his mind.
*I'll tell her,* he decided. *As soon as I get back, I'll tell her I
love her,* he promised himself.
Oh dear... I think we're in for a tragic ending. Nicely written scene.
Leaving so many things unsaid definitely increases the dramatic
suspense.
Nabiki grinned. "Don't worry, doctor. Ryouga doesn't have any trouble
following instructions. As long as it doesn't have anything to do with
directions."
I don't know if "directions" with its double meaning is intentional
here. If so, maybe you should play it up a bit more: "...any trouble
following directions. Following *directions,* on the other hand...." If
not, you might want to change it to something else, like "...anything to
do with getting to where he's going."
Nabiki?s eyes softened. ?He?ll come through okay,? she assured her.
?He?s a macho jerk, remember? Macho jerks always come through okay,?
she joked.
Yes, it's their friends and loved ones who suffer. (Uh oh....) ^_^
BTW, you've got non-ascii characters in the above line (the "smart
quotes" and apostrophe.) Please try to eliminate these.
You might think this chapter is somewhat.... I don't know. Pointless?
I mean, nothing much happened. Mainly I just dealt with the feelings of
our main characters. But I thought it's important, especially for the
later chapters.
I don't think any of it was pointless. Some of the scenes, like the one
with Ranma and Nabiki and Tofu, dragged a bit, and you might see whether
they can be tightened up.
Too WAFFy? OOC? Any suggestions or comments? Tell me!
Overall good use of the characters, despite concerns that I've already
mentioned. All in all, I'm very much enjoying the story and looking
forward to more.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html