Just a quick note before I dive into this: a 2nd post in so short a time is
more likely to cause LESS C&C than to cause more. Personally, I give the
list at least twelve hours before I assume it ate a post and re-send it. :)
My name is Don Granberry and I am a newbie.
This ain't an AA meeting, ya know. :)
(Newbies Anonymous? Naah...)
I have seen several pieces on this list that I thought were more than
worth the time and attention required to offer commentary on and
criticism of. However, I am loathe to offer criticism or commentary
without first establishing the fact that I am willing to undergo the
same treatment. I am therefore, offering a piece of my own writing for
others to criticize or not, as they see fit. Here's hoping I haven't
committed some unpardonable breach of ettiquette and that I got the
formatting right.
Well, the formatting looks fine on my machine. As for being loathe
to offer C&C, well.... I've found (based on my own experiences, at least)
that offering C&C is possibly the best way to Make Friends and Influence
People on the list. ;) You're far more likely to get responses when you've
offered responses of your own beforehand.
If responses are sufficiently positive, I will create a web page for
this piece. The story is set in the two years after Volume 38, well
after Ranma and Akane's rudely disrupted wedding.
Might I offer my services in this regard? Unless, of course, you'd
rather set up a site of your own. Your call. :)
Most of the characters in this piece and the setting for it, were
conceived of by Rumiko Takahashi for her Ranma1/2 series of Manga. All
such characters and the setting are the property of Takahashi-san and
her licensees. All other characters in the piece are purely fictional
and any resemblences to actual persons living or dead are purely
coincidental.
Says you. :)
Spreading Wings
Part I: The Burning Ring of Fire
Inspired by Johnny Cash? Or worse, Mexican food? (owwww...)
Scenes 4 and 5
Where's the rest? Or, like Star Wars, are you releasing the middle
parts first? :)
Ranma Saotome surveyed his new students through the open shoji while
they chatted among themselves in the yard. Most of them were
gaijin. All
of them had been referred to the dojo by Dr. Tofu.
"People often need exercise, Ranma, " Tofu had told him, "but they
seldom get it because it is hard work and it bores them."
"Sensei, the Martial Arts do take a lot of work..."
"I know, Ranma I know. It needs to be more than work though. It needs
to be a time for them to socialize as well."
"I see. Or at least I think I see."
"You will see once we get things going," Tofu had assured him, "Don't
worry! I'll be there to help you get started."
But it hadn't worked out that way on this the first night of their
scheme. Tofu had to take a pregnant lady to the hospital for emergency
treatment. Ranma found himself on his own with twenty new
students, most
of them foreigners and none of them less than ten years older than
himself. It was an intimidating situation. He sighed inwardly and said
to himself, anything goes. At least they seem to be enjoying one
another's company so far. Tofu would be pleased with that
much at least.
They were a pitiful looking bunch though. All of them were overweight
by ten pounds or more and the youngest among them was at least thirty.
He would have to be careful not to let them overdo things the
first few
weeks of training. Every one of them looked to be as fragile as glass.
He watched and wondered which of them had been a Marine. None of them
looked as though they had so much as run around the block since high
school. He began counting heads. Just as he was about to
conclude he was
one student short the last of student sauntered into view.
The man looked magnificent in the magic light of the dying
day. He was
tall, nearly six feet and massed eighty-five kilos or more. His stance
bespoke of a man at ease with himself if not of his surroundings. His
face was almost wholly that of a nihonjin, but the frame of
his body was
that of a caucasian. Beneath the mild, slightly bemused expression on
the new student's face Ranma sensed an inner toughness to the man that
was rare. Everything about the man informed the universe that he was a
soldier from the inside out.
Ack! It's the Annoying New Character personified!
Ranma worried. The man was at least twenty-years his senior
and used to
giving orders. How likely was he to take orders from a young stripling
such as himself?
Um... I have a REAAAAL hard time believing Ranma would ever think of
himself like this. Remember, confidence is one of the key Ranma traits.
Unless he's having to deal with a girl, anyway. ;)
Hell, he was a baby compared to anyone now in his
charge and care. How was he to cope? Suddenly he began to understand
Soun and Tofu's wisdom when they insisted he teach this particular
class. Here was a whole new set of challenges he had never needed to
face before. Up until now he had acted alone as an individual warrior,
or as a person of superior skills among peers. Now he would
have to find
the inner strength to lead those who would otherwise be his superiors
and at least one of them might actually possess equal or
superior skill
to his own. It was for him, like standing on the precipice of great
chasm. A chasm with no visible bottom. He gulped. He was not
prepared to
handle this without Tofu's help.
Again, I have a real hard time believing Ranma would EVER be this
introspective. And as far as one of them 'possessing equal or superior
skill to his own', get real. Ranma could wipe the floor with your average
(or even above-average) Marine, without breaking a sweat.
It's really starting to look like an ANC situation, here. I do hope
that you're not pulling that one....
Much to his surprise, it was Soun Tendo that came to his aid. Tendo
came to Ranma's side and clasped his shoulder, speaking quietly in
Ranma's ear.
"Tofu called to say he would be at least an hour more at the
hospital."
Ranma nodded.
"May I help you get started?"
Saotome looked up at the older man somewhat startled, realizing that
Tendo was not simply barging in the way he and the elder Saotome
normally would. Ranma realized that if he refused any help that Soun
would accept his refusal without any fuss. Ranma felt grateful to the
older man for this and even more grateful for his offer of
help. He very
definitely needed it.
"This is your dojo, Oji-san. It would be best if you made the
introductions."
"Wakata, Ranma. Wakata," Soun said as he gave Ranma's
Wakata?
I'd drop the Japanese phrases, were I you. The list is primarily
English, and I don't doubt that most of us have no clue as to Japanese,
beyond common phrases like 'oji-san' and the like. 'Wakata' is one that
I've never come across before, and the meaning isn't clear from context.
shoulder a quick
squeeze.
"Everyone!" Soun called out in a voice loud enough to be
heard over the
crowd, "If you will come inside now we will begin your first lesson."
Ranma watched as the new students began crowding up the
steps, leaving
their shoes on the ground as they came and most, much to his surprise,
knew to bow as they came inside the dojo. Even more surprising, the
American noticed this and bowed towards the small shrine hung on the
wall as he entered.
Soun leaned over to Ranma and said quietly, "Be careful when you
instruct the beijin."
Beijin? What's a beijin?
"Oh?"
"Mmm. He'll do whatever you tell him, exactly as you instruct."
"I was worried that he might not listen at all," Ranma muttered back.
"Officers learn to take orders before they are allowed to give them,
Ranma. Wakari mas ka?"
Aaarrgghh! Enough with the Japanese already! It's getting
frustrating not knowing what they're saying.
"Hai, Oji-san. Wakari mas."
"Good. You'll do just fine, Ranma. Calm down."
"Hai."
They stood and waited until everyone seated themselves on the floor,
then spoke up loud enough for everyone to hear.
"I am Soun Tendo and this," he said indicating Ranma, "is Ranma
Saotome."
Everyone bowed politely. Soun and Ranma returned the courtesy.
"Saotome-san will be your instructor this evening. Even though young,
he has already spent a lifetime in two different schools of
the Anything
Goes Style of Martial Arts. So, do not allow his age to
mislead you. He
is a master of the art, even though a young one."
Everyone locked their eyes on Ranma and bowed again. Ranma
returned the
courtesy at the same time.
"Dr. Tofu had to answer an emergency call at the hospital and asked
that I apologize to everyone for his absence. He hopes to be here
sometime before class is over. I will do my best to fill in for him
until he arrives."
Again, everyone bowed.
"Good! Saotome-kun?"
Ranma stepped into the limelight and bowed to Soun who departed
quickly.
"First,"Ranma said as he put on his biggest smile, "we must learn to
sit."
This got a laugh from the class.
"Will anyone volunteer to demonstrate?"
Everyone in the room froze as though bathed in liquid nitrogen.
"Oh, now come on! All you will have to do is sit!" Ranma said with an
even bigger smile.
They remained frozen which was of course what he wanted and expected.
He put on a big show of sighing as though disappointed by
their temerity
just as he knew they expected him to do.
"How about you, sir?" Ranma asked, indicating the American.
The beijin looked a bit taken aback but nodded and came forward.
"Good! I knew someone in here would be crazy enough to say yes!"
This got another, good natured laugh from the class.
"Okay. You face me and I'll face the class. Got it?"
"Hai, sensei."
"Now, do what I do."
Ranma knelt down in front of the class. The beijin followed
suit. Then
he sat back on his heels with his back ramrod straight. The American
imitated him perfectly.
"All right class, your turn! Everyone assume the proper sitting
position."
Sounds of scuffling and rustling filled the dojo as they complied.
"Some of you will find this to be uncomfortable. Don't worry! It's
supposed to be uncomfortable. Some of you will not be able to do it
because you have a bad knee or something. Don't hurt yourself. Get as
close to this as you can and try to stay that way until I
come check on
you. Got it?"
"Hai, sensei!" The class said in unison.
Ranma sprang to his feet and began checking his student's posture.
Keeping one eye on the beijing. If the position made him
Huh? Earlier you said 'beijin'. Which?
(and whatinhell does that MEAN, anyhow?)
uncomfortable,
he showed no signs of it and Ranma knew all too well how uncomfortable
it had to be for him. He would need to watch the man closely as he was
unlikely to show any signs of strain willingly. He was using the
American as a guage for the rest of his class. As soon as the American
showed the faintest sign of strain he knew it would be time to let the
rest of his class get up. They would be in agony.
Two of the students, one elderly the other badly overweight simply
could not sit in the formal position. Nearly half were
showing signs of
distress but not enough to make them squirm for relief. Their
eyes were
locked upon the gaijin setting the example at the front of
the class and
were determined to tolerate everything he did. Ranma smiled
to himself.
Unfair of me but, he thought, anything goes!
Heh. :) God, I remember the sitting lesson from my classes, a
LOOONG time ago. It wasn't fun. :)
Ranma walked around for a few minutes checking on them, relieving the
weaker ones from their pain by having them stand up for a few seconds.
Nearly all of those had been foreigners. He listened intently to the
sounds of their breathing as the tension of painful effort filled the
room. He went around again and listened to each student
breath. Some of
them were really beginning to hurt. He glanced towards the beijin. A
tiny bead of sweat trickled down from his temple.
"Okay, everybody! Stand up."
Cries of agony filled the room as the class discovered muscles and
joints they never knew existed. The big american stood up quickly but
not without difficulty and Ranma was pleased to note that he feigned a
little more pain than he was actually feeling. The man was not only
following his instructions, he was actually doing the
invaluable little
things that helped his instructor teach.
"We'll take a little break now!" Ranma said with a hint of
evil glee in
his voice, "I want to get to know as many of you as I can
tonight and I
just imagine several of you would like to walk around for a few
minutes."
There were both laughs and groans of assent at this. Ranma walked
around and began mingling with his students.
---------
Genma Saotome watched his son work from the deep shade of a shrub in
the garden near the outer wall. His heart was swelling with pride. The
boy was good and going to become much, much better. Tears began to run
down the cheeks of the elder Saotome's granite like visage. Despite
everything he himself had done wrong both for and to the boy, he was
turning into a real man. Now he was demonstrating that he would also
become a man among men--a leader.
"Choosing the beijin shows both courage and wisdom, don't
you think?" A
female voice whispered to him.
Genma's head snapped around. It was his wife, Nodoka. Her eyes were
shining with pride.
"Yes," Genma said as he nodded, "it did. I would never have
risked it,
but it worked beautifully for our son."
"Are you relieved?"
"No." He said emphatically, "I am proud. I am very proud."
"So am I."
"I am lucky you know."
Nodoka answered with a grave nod.
"Things could have gone very badly wrong and they nearly did...more
times than I like to think about."
'could' have gone very badly? Just whatinhell was Jusenkyo?
"That is something I can easily appreciate," Nodoka said grimly.
"But the boy has turned out to be a fine young man."
"There are one or two things that could stand some improvement," she
said in a faintly menacing way.
"You mean with Akane?"
"I mean with women in general, dear." Nodoka said, "His urges do not
appear to be that strong."
Snarf!
"Blame it own Jusenkyo."
on
"There is something badly wrong," Nodoka said in tones that made
Genma's hair stand up. "There are at least four girls who
would be more
than happy to pillow with him if he would but crook his finger. They
have been throwing themselves at his feet since he was
sixteen. I should
be a grandmother twice over by now."
"Four? I didn't think there were but three..."
"I think you misjudge Akane rather badly."
"Hmph! I was beginning to think she liked his girl half more
than...ow!"
"Any girl would find that aspect of him intriguing, but not the most
interesting."
"I think I understand at least part of his problem, Nodoka."
"Oh?"
"He has used his girl form to trick many a male opponent on numerous
occasions. I think he sees his natural desires as a weakness."
"Oh, dear! Have you talked with him about it?"
"No!" Genma said, his irritation quite clear in his voice. "And my
advice to you is that you leave him alone about it."
"Why?"
"The boy has reached the point where he needs guidance from
outside the
family. Someone that has no reason to pressure him."
"Perhaps Ono-sensei would..."
"I thought of him already. He can't do it either. He and Kasumi are
waiting on Ranma and Akane to resolve their troubles."
"How do you know?"
"What other choice do they have?"
"Hmm, we must do something soon, Genma."
"Shall I slit my belly this coming dawn?"
"No, not that soon," Nodoka said in a speculative tone, "I may need
your help to resolve this."
Genma Saotome knew then that he was headed back to China the night of
his son's wedding--assuming he lived that long.
"Our young man is doing just fine, Nodoka." Genma said with genuine
menace in his voice, "Leave him to resolve his own affairs.
That too is
part of being a man."
"Hah!" Nodoka snorted, "If we women left such things up to
you men, the
human race would have died out eons ago."
"Nodoka, please!" Genma said in pleading tones, "Let our son
have some
peace. He has had damned little so far thanks to you and me."
Damn... since when has Genma been this forceful? Especially with
Nodoka? That's not to say that I don't like the new Genma... but I'm
wondering where the spine came from.
"The life of a great warrior isn't meant to be peaceful."
"Ranma is not a warrior. He...he...is an artist."
"Artist!" Nodoka snorted, "Like you, you mean?"
"What is the matter with your eyes, woman? Can't you see he is better
than I ever was?"
Nodoka's stare spoke volumes. What Genma had said was true.
"He'll be able to match Happosai in another year or so."
"He could be in great danger if Happosai comes to fear him," Nodoka
said with genuine concern in her voice.
"Fortunately, our founding master likes him--especially his
girl half."
Eww... too bad that's true....
That earned Genma another knot on the head but he didn't
mind it much.
His wife was beginning to annoy him. She had always put too much
pressure on his son. It was the main reason he had taken his child and
set out on a ten year long training mission. She would have crushed
their son's spirit or turned him into a spiteful maniac long
before now
had they stayed home with her.
Now THIS is a new twist! Hmm... possibilities. I like!
Not that things had gone all that well on their journeys. The boy did
suffer quite a bit, but all in all things were better than they
otherwise would have been. This Genma knew right down to the
core of his
very being. The worst of it was, Ranma did not now and never would
understand. The very last thing Genma could hope to do is explain the
true nature of his wife to his son. The boy would not listen to him if
he tried nor would the boy believe what he heard should he listen. For
Genma, the situation was still desperate. The best he could
hope for was
that Ranma would have the good sense to keep Nodoka from ragging Akane
until both his mother and wife were complete wrecks.
Gak! The Mother-In-Law From Hell!
"Nodoka?"
"Yes, Genma?"
"Why don't you and I go away and spend some time together?"
"Genma, no!"
"Why not?"
"What about our son?"
"What about him?"
"We can't even think of leaving now! There is so much we
need to do for
him!"
"Nodoka," Genma said fighting back his growing impatience,
"Our son is
in excellent hands already."
"Whose?"
"His own!"
Nodoka looked away and stared hard at her son as he laughed
and talked
to his students, more than a few of whom were her own age. He
looked so
confident and grown up it was painful for her.
"Look real hard, Nodoka. Look hard and even you will see his wings."
Tears began to trickle down Nodoka's cheeks.
"They are strong and fully fledged. He needs our help right now about
as much as he needs a...a...millstone around his kneck."
"There's so much he doesn't know, " Nodoka whispered.
"He'll learn."
"He'll make mistakes!"
"Yes. He will make mistakes and he will recover from them. I've seen
him do twenty impossible things before breakfast. Some of
them he did to
me."
Hah!
Nodoka laughed through her tears at this.
"No doubt you had them coming."
"He seemed to think so at the time," Genma said, rubbing his head in
memory of those incidents.
Nodoka smiled even as tears continued to run down her face.
"I will not go away with you, Genma."
"That's okay, I'm not going anywhere."
"But you just asked me to..."
"Unless you agree to come along with me, I have to stay and guard our
son."
Ok. Who are you and what have you done with Genma?
Her smile vanished but nary a wrinkle touched her brow. His wife was
the rare sort of warrior who could sustain a killing rage while
maintaining a perfectly peaceful demeanor. Even after all the years he
had known her, this part of her nature never failed to leave
him in awe.
He knew that if she reached for the hilt of her sword he was
a dead man.
There had been only one person on earth that had anything
like her speed
and control with a katana and that had been her father. A man tall and
polished. A man feared near and far. A man who, thank the gods, had
traveled onward years ago.
"You think so ill of me then?"
"No," Genma said with a sigh, "I have never thought ill of you. I
merely ask that you let our son have a little time of peace. He loves
this Tendo girl deeply and he will marry her."
"When did you decide all this?"
"During that disaster of an un-wedding."
"A thousand deaths are not enough for Happosai!"
"Easy, Nodoka. I'm not so sure the Master didn't know what
he was doing
that day. He's crazy like a fox most of the time you know."
"Even when he's stealing dirty underwear?"
"He only steals clean underwear off clotheslines, Nodoka."
"Hmmph! That's not true."
"He loved yours more than most you know," Genma said with a
mischievous
grin, "Still may for all I know."
Crack! Her slap was hard enough to make Genma's ears ring.
"Whadja do that for?"
"He deserved it!"
"He isn't here."
"But you are and you helped him often as not."
"Well you and I met because of it."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"You were flattered and you know it."
Crack! Her left hook was as solid as ever and it popped up
right under
Genma's jaw. He faded like a burned out lightbulb. Nodoka
snuggled up to
his inert bulk and proudly watch her son teach the Art to his
first, all
adult class. Many of Genma's claims were undeniably true, but all of
Nerima and half the universe was standing idle, waiting for
two stubborn
young lovers to get settled within themselves. She was determined to
help things along. Too many other people were being inconvenienced by
their reluctance.
What's that old saying? "The road to Hell is paved with good
intentions."
I feel sorry for Ranma at this point... your version of Nodoka
sounds like she could put him through Hell. ;)
Comments:
Your writing is good, and grammar is excellent. But you need to lay
off the friggin' Japanese! A little is fine, but too much is... well, too
much. I despise not being able to understand what someone is saying.
Other than that, I like! The twist with Nodoka is new (to me at
least), and has a lot of promise if you can keep if flowing.
Good work - I look forward to more.
Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your fanfics are?
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud