Beryl couldn't take it any more. Abandoning her
duties as an evil queen, she had spent the last three days
watching MTV. This did more to restore her desire to
destroy the human race than anything else could have.
"The Real World. Feh! I'll show them the REAL WORLD!"
Her strength of purpose restored, she sent a
psychic summons to Generals Ego and Horny. Much to her
surprise, they appeared a few seconds later, actually
dressed in their uniforms. "We live to serve," General
Ego said flatly.
Beryl blinked, then smiled. "I have a new mission
for you. Finding Serenity's rings can wait a few days."
"We live to serve," General Horny said in a far more
subdued voice than usual.
"You will find the cast of 'The Real World' and turn
them all into Youma. Then we will be able to drain
energy from everyone who watches that show. And they
won't have enough brain cells left to tell."
"Yes, Queen Beryl," Ego said flatly.
"And while you're at it, bring me the head of Pauly
Shore. On a plate."
"Yes, Queen Beryl," Horny said calmly.
Perhaps they've finally learned some discipline,
Beryl thought. "Also, after watching the Vanilla Ice
retrospective, I have realized that this man would make
a perfect leader for my armies. Bring him to me."
"Your wish is our command," Ego said flatly.
"And bring me a copy of 'The Big Eighties' CD."
"Your wish is our command," Horny said calmly.
A whiff of suspicion struck Beryl. "Horny, state
your name."
"I will do all that you have requested," Ego said
flatly.
Beryl waited thirty seconds.
"I will do all that you have requested," Horny said
calmly.
Beryl held up her staff. "Staff, smite all
animatronic puppets present."
Two dark bolts of energy flew forth and vaporized
Horny and Ego's animatronic doubles.
Beryl sighed and sent out another psychic summons.
This was clearly going to be one of those days.
*******************
Marmalade Moon, Episode 7:
"Double Doom.
Double the fun?"
http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/MMoon
by John Biles
********************
Yuu, Makoto, and Ginta sat back and watched two
giant robots duke it out with each other with huge nerf
weapons. It was 'Giant Robot Attack' day at the Hundred
Yen Theater. The ladies had turned down the invitation to
come watch some of the cheesiest giant robot movies of
all time, like 'Ultraman vs. Frankenstein, Jr.', 'Gundam
Express 999', 'Giant Robo vs. Robo-Smurf', and 'Robby The
Robot's Rampage'. Right now, Robo-Smurf was throwing
Giant Robo at the Great Pyramid.
"Go, Robo-Smurf! Wipe out that nuclear
monstrosity!" Makoto shouted, along with half the
audience.
"Get up, Giant Robo! You can do it!" Ginta shouted,
laughing.
Yuu simply smiled as various other audience
members laughed and yelled comments at the screen.
Eventually, he said, "I wish they'd blow up our school
before exams."
"They that tough at your school?" Makoto asked.
"Naah, he's just lazy," Ginta said.
"Said #106."
They glared at each other for a moment, then Ginta
laughed ruefully. "It's gonna be time to start studying
for college exams way too soon."
"We've got three fourths of a year to go," Yuu said.
"I'm not worried."
"I've got science down pat," Makoto said, "But I'm
not so sure about literature and history. I've never been
good at them, other than writing poetry."
"You write poetry?" Ginta asked, surprised.
"Yeah."
Ginta nudged Yuu. "I bet he writes Nanami love
poems."
Makoto turned red. "I...uh..."
"So how long have you two been dating?"
"We're not dating!" Makoto said.
"Uh huh," Yuu and Ginta said in unison.
On the screen, Giant Robo picked up the Sphinx and
hurled it at Robo-Smurf. It transformed into Robo-
Azrael and began to chase him.
"We're just friends," Makoto asserted.
"Uh huh. Friends joined at the hip." Yuu said.
"We are not joined at the hip!" Makoto said. "We
just hang out a lot because we've been friends since
childhood."
"Uh huh."
Makoto stood up and shouted, "I AM NOT DATING
NANAMI JINNAI!!!!!!"
"So, you're secretly engaged?" Ginta teased.
Everyone turned and stared, and Makoto quietly
shrank in on himself, wishing he had the power to become
about an inch tall. He faked it well.
************
Meiko, Arimi, Miki, Setsuna, and Nanami were at
Setsuna's house, watching Shoujo anime, a concert tape,
and various other things they greatly enjoyed but which
would have sent the menfolk into conniption fits (as the
giant robot fest would have done to them). As j-pop
crept insidiously into their brains, consuming valuable
storage space that could have been spent better on
almost anything else, like memorizing potato textures,
Setsuna said, "Hey, Nanami, are you any good at tennis?"
Nanami grinned. "You could say that." Arimi and
Miki both laughed.
"How about a game of...oh wait, we have five
people." She sighed. "My family has a tennis court, but I
rarely get to use it."
Miki's eyes widened. "Your own court? How loaded
is your family?"
"Pretty ridiculously. Father has some kind of
super-stock speculation power, or something. At least,
Mom claims it must be magic. So, we're pretty well off."
"I can just keep score if you want to play a game,"
Meiko said.
"You don't mind?" Setsuna asked. "I hate to make
you watch."
"I'm used to watching Miki play," Meiko said. "And
since I'll destroy you all when we play Mah Jongg later,
it'll all even out."
"Hah! I am the QUEEN of Mah Jongg!" Nanami
announced, cracking her knuckles. "I will DESTROY you."
"Right. First Tennis, then we'll see who is Queen of
Mah Jongg," Setsuna said. "I'll go get the rackets." She
quickly sprinted off.
Miki said, "Poor Setsuna doesn't know what she's
gotten into."
Nanami nodded. "Do I know tennis. BWAHAHAHAH!!!"
************
Nanami drooped back into the house after the game
was over. "Arimi, you suck."
"I suck? I suck? You're the one who served the ball
into the net EIGHT times!" Arimi bellowed back.
"Good thing you two aren't Tennis Warriors or
anything," Meiko said, her eyes twinkling. "Maybe Miki
and Setsuna should see if they're recruiting."
Miki laughed. "Setsuna could be...Tennis Warrior
Pluto, maybe?"
"Naah, I wouldn't want to be named after an
animated dog," Setsuna replied. "I'd want to be Sailor
Sun so I could set things on fire."
Nanami said, "Crack out the Mah Jongg. I feel the
need to avenge my honor."
************
Meiko buried Nanami's honor at sea. "That makes
five victories."
"Best of eleven!" Nanami shouted.
"I'm afraid I have to go to bed now," Setsuna said.
"So I think this war will have to end with a truce."
"Thanks for having us over!" Miki said to Setsuna.
"No problem," Setsuna replied. "It was fun! I just
wish the guys had come instead of going to that stupid
film festival." She sighed. And I wish I'd gotten to Ginta
before Arimi did, she thought. So maybe it's better he
didn't come, but...
"Yeah, it was fun," Arimi said, smiling. "Next time,
we'll get together at my place, okay?"
"Sounds great!" Setsuna said.
************
Miki and Meiko walked down the street towards
Meiko's house. As it came into sight, they both saw an
upstairs window shatter as a vase flew through it. The
vase plummeted to the ground, and they heard a crash.
Miki's eyes widened. "What the..."
Meiko stopped, and looked, and sighed. "Can I stay
at your house tonight, Miki?"
"Uhh...sure," she said. "What was that?"
They must be drunk already, Meiko thought, sighing.
"Nothing I want to think about."
**************
Zwei-lite frowned intensely at the Plot Device
Beryl had given him. You took newspapers and magazine
articles and cut them up into strips or single words or
pictures, then fed them into the machine, which used
them as a barometer of the winds of Drama and then used
the readings in accordance with the Laws of Drama to
produce an evil plot for you to conduct.
While Zwei-lite agreed with the power of the Laws
of Drama, he found the idea of trusting a machine that
looked like a cross between a shredder, a computer, and a
prune danish to be a stretch of his capacity to trust. The
'Made in Al Amarja' label failed to inspire confidence
either. But Beryl's instructions had been quite precise.
He'd been putting off using this thing, but once he'd
arranged to get her the EVA Dojinshi 'I Mustn't Eat
Almonds' she'd been wanting, he had no more excuses to
put off giving the Plot Device a try.
He fed in several newspapers and magazines, then
hit the 'Digest' button. It made various annoying noises,
then spat out 'Forces/ squabbling/ sleek/ drunken/
Rumbottle/ parents/ Changelings/ culminate/ Sandmen/
massive/ technical/ twin/ rubber/ Dooms/ Boo Blast/
endangering/ shipments/ Princess'.
He frowned at it. I bet she hired Burroughsite to
make this, he thought. 'twin rubber Dooms' indeed. And
what was a 'Boo Blast' anyway? And how is this
supposed to tell me what to do? Probably this means the
Princess is shipping a drug called 'Boo Blast' for her
Sandmen to distribute, disguised as massive technical
twin rubber Dooms. He prayed he was wrong.
***********
Sailor Pluto tried beating on the Gate of Time with
her staff, but it didn't help. She was locked out of the
timeline now. That was the proof that this so-called
'Tennis Warrior Pluto' had pulled off her coup completely.
No Pluto could use another Pluto's Gate of Time without
permission. This wouldn't make it impossible to get back
into that universe, but it would make it a lot harder.
I should have known better than to listen to her
talking about Madonna-Pluto, Sailor Pluto thought. She's
not smart enough to pull off something like this.
She quietly vanished, heading off to put some
thought into how to undo what had been done.
************
"So you still don't know who the second one is?"
Meiko asked Miki.
They had both changed into pajamas (Meiko had
borrowed some from Miki), and now Meiko was curled up
in a sleeping bag on the floor. They'd entered the 'talk in
the dark' phase that happens in almost every sleepover.
"Nope. Or Tennis Mask."
Meiko debated with herself whether to tell Miki she
knew who Tennis Mask was. I suppose if he wanted her
to know, he'd tell her...but why wouldn't he tell her?
Well, if it becomes really important, I'll tell her, she
decided. "I wonder why all the male magical warriors
don't tell anyone who they are."
"I'm guessing they're like Yuu, where they used to
not remember turning into a Masked Whatever. It must be
the power of their love that forces them to...ahah!" Miki
sat up. "I know, the second one must be Ginta!"
Meiko blinked. "What makes you think that?"
"Well, if it's the power of love that overcomes
their lack of memory briefly, then it has to be someone
who is in love with one of us, and that means Ginta, since
he's dating Arimi-chan." She nodded. "So Tennis Mask
must be Miwa-kun."
"NO WAY!" Meiko shouted, then looked embarrassed.
"And even if you were right, who would Yuu be in love
with, then?"
"..." Miki frowned. "I didn't think of that." Maybe he
really does like Arimi, but he won't say so for some dumb
guy reason, she thought. She frowned deeply. "But what
else could it be?"
"Hmm. Makoto, maybe?" Meiko speculated. "As to
why...maybe it's just because they're needed. It's time
for them to awaken, and without Luna or anyone to nudge
them, they're just kinda slowly stumbling into it?"
"Yeah, I guess so. But having it be the power of
love is more cool."
Meiko laughed gently. "The universe doesn't always
do things the cool way."
"But it should." Miki sighed. "We need more
information. All we can ever do is scramble around,
trying to thwart the Dark Kingdom when it's too late and
they've already half-won. But we don't have enough
clues, especially since Mercury's computer likes to make
everything difficult. We tried to ask it what the Moon
Princess looked like, and it told us that she 'had a
pleasant smile, often wore green, and was loved by
several men'. We did get one useful clue, though."
"What was that?"
"When all of Serenity's Rings are gathered together,
the sigil of the moon will appear on her forehead. Which
still won't tell us WHERE she is, but at least we'll know
her on sight." Miki rolled over on her stomach. "Of
course, with my luck, it'll turn out to be Mom or someone
else I see every day."
Meiko giggled. "Maybe it's Setsuna."
Miki rolled over to face Meiko. "Hmm. Now that's
possible. Tennis was the royal sport of the Moon
Kingdom, and she is pretty good at it."
"I wonder if I was alive during the Moon Kingdom,"
Meiko mused.
"I'm sure you were," Miki said. "Luna said the Moon
Kingdom had enough people that probably most of Asia is
reincarnated people, and maybe some other areas as
well."
"Wow."
***************
"Go home," Tennis Warrior Venus said to Miwa.
"You're gonna get yourself hurt! You're not tough like me."
"Yeah, you'd better take her advice and stay back,"
Artemis said. "This could get ugly."
Miwa bit back the temptation to point out that Suzu
and Artemis were probably the two people in the
universe whose advice was most likely to be bad that he
knew. I wouldn't be here if you idiots hadn't dragged me
out of bed and made me borrow Dad's car without him
knowing to drive you over here, he thought. I can't even
legally drive yet! "And how do you plan to get home at
one AM without me?"
"Umm...okay, just stay with the car, okay?"
Miwa leaned against the car. "I don't think you're
going to find the seventh Doom in there."
Venus looked across the street at the electronics
store. "But Artemis and I had the same dream! It has to
be right."
He sighed and looked over at the store, then pointed
to the sign in the window. "Hmm. DOOM VII on sale
now?"
Artemis and Venus sweatdropped in unison. Miwa
contemplated beating them to death.
***********
Jin (AKA Miki's father) smiled at Meiko. "It's
always fun to have one of Miki's friends stay with us."
"Especially if she cooks better than Rumi-chan,"
Youji (AKA Yuu's father) said.
Rumi threw her jam covered toast at him and got a
bullseye, nailing his nose. "Hmmph."
Meiko laughed. "It was the least I could do."
"Any chance we could get you to come cook
breakfast for us every morning?" Chiyako asked, smiling
as she added some creamer to her coffee.
"At least when it's Rumi's turn," Youji said, taking
off the toast and eating it.
Yuu just smiled and shook his head at his father,
then said, "Thanks for making me pancakes, Meiko.
Whoever marries you won't starve to death. I'm surprised
Miki and her father have made it this long."
"I've learned to live on light like a plant," Jin said.
"I pick up Mama's slack," Miki said.
"Like I said. It's a..." He never finished his
sentence before he got a fresh pancake...on his right eye.
This was the signal for an all-out food fight to erupt.
Meiko watched from the kitchen, laughing. At least
until she got orange slices in her hair, and then it was
time for the chef to join the fray.
They were, as might be expected, late to school.
***********
"You were late to school because you got in a food
fight with your parents?" Setsuna asked in disbelief.
"My parents are insane," Miki said.
Meiko laughed. "Miki's just mad because Yuu and her
mother doubleteamed her."
"Betrayed by my own mother!" Miki shook her fist
at the heavens. "There is no justice!"
I'd be happy if my mother did that to me, Meiko
thought. It'd be better than how things usually are. I
need to stay over at Miki's house more often. I haven't
felt this good in a long time, even after we got stuck
standing in the hallway for half an hour with buckets for
being two hours late.
************
"I think it's time for you to hook up with the other
Tennis Warriors," Miwa said to Suzu and Artemis. "No
point in you going it alone. And last night's disaster
clinched it for me."
"Hey, anyone would have made that mistake,"
Artemis said.
"If they had no brain, yes," Miwa replied.
"But we don't know how to find them," Suzu said.
"If you hang around Meiko long enough, sooner or
later there will be an attack and they'll show up."
Artemis gave Miwa a look. "Hmm. And who is it
that you hang around all the time, hmmm? Could this be
looking for an excuse to do more of it?"
Miwa blushed. "This is for your own good. I don't
NEED an excuse."
"Hmm. Makes sense. And I think it's just fine for
Miwa-kun to hang around her. She looks cute, just the
sort of woman he deserves."
"I just have a bad feeling about this," Artemis said.
"This'll work out GREAT!" Suzu said. "Heck, she
may even already know who the other Tennis Warriors
are!"
"With our luck, one of them will be Sana, and you
two will mutually annihilate."
"Naah, she HAS to be Dark Kingdom. She is utterly
EVIL!"
"And she's on the cover of TeenPeople Japan this
week," Artemis said. "So I guess Evil does pay."
Suzu began to froth, and he began to regret
mentioning this.
**********
The house was silent when Meiko arrived at home,
except for the housekeeper, who greeted her at the door.
"What would you like for dinner? It's just us tonight."
"My parents are out?" Meiko asked.
"They are having dinner at 'A Taste of Paris'
tonight."
"Together?" Meiko asked in surprise.
The maid looked uncomfortable. "I don't think so."
"But they're both going there?"
"Yes. They..." She stared at a handy plant. "Think
the other one doesn't know."
Meiko laughed very briefly. "Were they mad that I
didn't come home last night?"
"They didn't say anything about it," she replied.
"And I didn't ask. It's not my place."
"I'll have to think a little about what I'd like for
dinner," Meiko said, "but I'll let you know soon, okay?"
"Okay."
***************
Ryouko stared at the phone in frustration. She
didn't feel like cooking, but going out to eat by yourself
was no fun at all. Unfortunately, after she'd spent an
hour steeling herself to call Namura-kun and ask him if
he wanted to go out to eat with her, he wasn't home. He
hadn't come home in the last half-hour, either, and now
her stomach was trying to eat its way out of her body in
desperation.
And then the phone rang.
She was on it in a second, almost destroying it in
her haste. "Hello?" she asked, praying it was Namura-
kun.
"Hi, this is Miki. My parents decided they wanted to
meet my Tennis Coach, so...uh...would you like to come eat
dinner with us?" She sounded rather hesitant, and
Ryouko wondered why. Does she not want me to come for
some reason? But why? Maybe their house is a mess,
she guessed.
Or maybe I'm just imagining things, she thought.
"Sure, I'd love to." It beat eating alone.
***************
Zwei-lite was feeling depressed and frustrated. He
had only one vague hint as to what he could do to try to
take advantage of the Plot Device, and that was to go to
'A Taste of Paris', a supposedly 'French' restaurant noted
for its snooty staff and long waiting list for a table. It
served rum, so he hoped that maybe there would be a
message in his rum bottle or something, as he had no idea
what else to do, besides buying all the rum in Tokyo.
Still, being one of Beryl's generals had its advantages,
and he hypnotized his way to a good table, a good meal,
and some good rum, along with his new assistant, Youma
Britannia.
He wondered again where Beryl got these Youma;
this one was a statuesque woman with a shield, a spear,
and a magic helmet, dressed in a woman's toga. She
looked to be in her mid-thirties, and had long brown hair
and strong brown eyes. He was tempted to ask if she had
sisters named Albania and Hibernia.
"We should have gotten fish and chips," she said for
the fifth time since they arrived, as they waited for
their food. "Or perhaps some good roast beef."
"I'm just following the only clue we have," he said,
slightly acerbically.
"I'm telling you, if the Princess is pushing drugs,
then she must be in Amsterdam. Where else would you
find 'Twin Rubber Dooms'?"
Zwei-lite didn't want to understand what she
meant.
A couple went by their table, and Zwei-lite started.
He could feel the spiritual malaise radiating from them
without even looking. Youma Britannia had felt it too.
The pair looked like ordinary wealthy people, though--a
dark haired wealthy man and his slightly younger
personal blonde bimbo.
"You think he's one of ours in disguise?" Britannia
asked.
He felt like one of the Dooms, Zwei-lite thought.
Except not quite strong enough. Like half a...ahah! This
Doom must be two people together, he realized. So one of
those two is one of the Dooms and the other Doom must
be...a twin sibling? Probably. I'll have to keep an eye on
those two. "Youma Britannia, keep an eye on them. I'll
watch to..."
Wait, I've seen them before, he thought. Well, I've
seen the man. Someone showed me a picture. He tried to
remember where, but it wouldn't quite come to him.
Maybe he was on the news.
"I'll be right back," he said. Nature was calling.
On his way back after answering Nature's call, he
passed by a table that was no longer empty, and got the
same jolt. A middle-aged woman was at the table with
her younger lover. She was more nicely dressed than he,
and like the man from the previous couple, she evoked a
vague feeling of recognition from Zwei-lite. In fact, she
seemed more familiar. Something about her hair, or
maybe it was her eyes.
A rich couple who are both out for the evening with
their lover, he thought. How pathetic. They must be the
twin dooms...but how does 'rubber' come into it? I
suppose they both would bounce fairly well, but...
He went back to his table to try to figure out the
best way to keep an eye on them until they were ready to
manifest and the Ring to be collected. "Have the ones
you're watching done anything interesting?"
"The man chewed out the waiter for being too
slow."
Zwei-lite thought that was a good idea.
************
"Young mistress, there's a boy, a girl, and a cat here
to see you."
Meiko looked up from her homework at the
housekeeper. "Yuu and Miki and Luna?"
"I don't know. I've never seen them before."
Her curiosity piqued, Meiko went downstairs, only
to see that MIWA of all people had managed to infest her
home. There was a young blonde girl, rather cute, about
twelve years old, with him, and a white cat...with a
yellow crescent moon on its forehead.
Normally, she would have hurled Miwa out of the
house, but she was curious as to why Miwa had brought
Tennis Warrior Venus to her house. Hmm. I wonder if
Miki knows about her, she thought.
"Ahh, is this your new girl friend, Miwa-kun? Been
robbing the cradle?"
"No, I'm his cousin, Suzu!" she announced. "We met
a few weeks ago, remember? Anyway, Miwa-kun brought
me over because you're a good writer, and I need some
help with my literature and writing skills and with my
English homework. So, we were hoping you could be my
tutor. I can pay you enough to make it worth your time,
although I can see from your house that you probably
don't need it." She scooted across the room to Meiko and
took her hands. "You'll help me, won't you? You look very
kind."
Her irritation with Miwa quickly dispersed, and she
smiled at Suzu. "Sure. I'm saving up for something, so I
could use the extra money." That way, when I run away
with Na-chan, I'll have more money for us to spend, she
thought. "Come in and sit down and we can work
everything out."
**************
Ryouko stared at the coffee maker, which was
perhaps the gaudiest home appliance she'd ever seen. It
looked like four Glitterators had exploded in its vicinity.
Jin noticed her staring. "Pretty ugly, eh? I can't
even think why I bought that thing. But it makes GREAT
coffee."
She laughed. "I could use some great coffee." She
started brewing up another pot.
"Sit down, sit down. You're the guest," Chiyako
said. "Let me cook."
"Hold down Rumi so she can't cook," Youji said
teasingly.
Rumi pouted.
Yuu looked up from playing 'Super Gastaman
Brothers V' on the Saturn. "Is dinner ready yet?"
While he was distracted, Miki quickly grabbed all
the energy pellets on the screen with Gastaman Blue,
then giggled. "I'll win this time."
"Hey, it was supposed to be on pause while I asked!"
She stuck out her tongue at him. "All's fair in love
and video games."
They began to bicker, and Ryouko laughed. She said
to Rumi, "You'd think they were really brother and sister,
the way they fight."
"Well, I always wished I'd been able to have another
child. Now I do," Rumi said. "So how is Miki's tennis
team doing?"
"Really well. We recovered from the disaster at
Tomobiki, and Miki, Naoko, Ranko, Megumi, and Setsuna
have been dominating everything in sight. Umi's not been
doing so well, though; she got hurt in a fencing match and
now she's having some problems with her right arm. And
poor Michiko is having leg problems. Still, we expect to
crush Mugen Gakuen in our next game."
"I thought Mugen Gakuen was supposed to have a
really good team?" Youji asked. "Miki's been worried
about them all week."
"They're number three in Tokyo!" Miki asserted,
turning aside from arguing with Yuu. "I can't see how
you're so sure we'll beat them."
"Because we aren't a bunch of stuck up rich snobs.
And the best team always wins."
"So why are we going to beat them?"
Most of the room laughed. Ryouko simply said,
"You'll never beat them if you go in expecting to lose."
"Miki's just being practical," Yuu said. "There's no
point in building yourself up to a level of false optimism
when there's no real chance."
"There's always a chance!" Ryouko said. "Defeatism
never wins."
"The wise man picks his fights carefully. Better to
stick to people you can handle until you become good
enough to face them. Why'd you schedule a match with
these people if they're so good?"
Ryouko looked a little embarrassed. "Last year,
they stunk. But the new tennis coach they have has
really turned things around. I didn't know they'd hire him
when I made the schedule."
"Dinner is served!" Chiyako announced.
*************
Meiko finished writing down directions on how to
get to Suzu's house. "Okay. Would you like some cookies
before you go?" she asked.
"Sure!" Suzu said.
"I'll go get them from the kitchen," she said, and
headed down the hallway to the kitchen. She heard a car
pull into the drive. I guess Mother or Father is home, she
thought. Hopefully they won't come to the living room.
She quickly got the cookies and headed back.
*************
General Zwei-lite looked across the street at the
house the male Doom had gone into. It had taken a little
effort to get them to notice each other at the restaurant,
but when they'd started fighting, he'd been able to sense
that they were indeed the next Doom. Britannia was
tracking the woman, who had left with her lover. The
man had some sort of argument with his lover and had
dropped her off elsewhere, so this was probably his
home.
The house looked familiar, and he racked his brain.
Then it struck him. This was Meiko's house, which
meant...no wonder they'd looked familiar. He frowned.
This was going to get ugly.
***********
Meiko watched her father storm through the living
room without actually saying anything. In his wake, Suzu
said, "Your father?"
"Yes."
"Not his day, I see," Miwa said.
"He's very handsome," Suzu said. "I suppose your
mother must be very beautiful like you."
Meiko sighed and ate a cookie, then replied, "Yes,
she is."
"It must be nice living in such a lovely house with
such lovely parents."
For a moment, Meiko wanted to shove Suzu into a
sausage grinder. Then common sense returned, and she
said, "It is a lovely house." She rose. "I need to finish my
homework. I'm sorry to throw you out, but I have an
essay to write."
"Okay, lemme just go use the bathroom, and I'll be
ready to go." She darted off.
"I'm sorry if she's irritating you," Miwa said. "She's
a model, and I'm afraid she judges things by their
cuteness level too much."
"I know she means well," Meiko said. "So how did
she get to be Tennis Warrior V and are you setting me up
to tutor her so she can bodyguard me?"
Miwa blinked then grinned. "I love intelligent
women."
Meiko narrowed her eyes slightly. "Don't be
evasive."
"It was her idea. And she really does need a tutor.
And as to being Tennis Warrior V, she was reincarnated.
And Artemis here talks, but he never says anything worth
listening to."
From the couch, Artemis said, "Hey!"
"You two must get along well, then," Meiko said. "I
don't need a bodyguard."
"You practically have the words 'Drain my energy'
stenciled on your forehead," Miwa said. "It's not like
she's going to be following you around, or even around
most of the time. But you'll be safer a few hours a
week."
"You'd better not use this as an excuse to hit on
me," Meiko replied.
"Naah, this'll be when Artemis gets to do it," Miwa
said.
Artemis simply grumbled and stared at some fish
in a nearby fishbowl.
**************
>Give location of next Doom
['Blue/ squabbling/ earthquakes/ drunken/ paradox/
parents/ doesn't/ culminate/ rain/ massive/ urges/
twin/ expression/ Dooms/ spheres/ endangering/ ninja/
Princess']
>Would you like to be more obscure?
[I DON'T THINK I CAN TOP THAT]
>But what does it mean?
[I THINK I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT THE
'BURROUGHS INSIDE' STICKER THAT WAS ON THE BOX I
SHIPPED IN MEANT]
>Can you give us any clues at all?
[THOSE WERE CLUES]
>Clues that make sense?
[I THINK THERE ARE TWO DOOMS WHO ARE
KARMICALLY LINKED. OR MAYBE ONE DOOM WITH TWO
BODIES. THIS COULD BE THAT ONE]
>Which ring does that doom have?
[THE EARTH/MOON RING. IT'S VERY IMPORTANT]
>Why is it important?
[IF THE MOON PRINCESS WEARS IT, IT WILL
INSTANTLY REVEAL HER]
>Woo woo! That would be very important. What is
this double doom called?
[LAUREL AND HARDY]
>Please tell me that was a joke.
[ACTUALLY, THEY ARE JUST CALLED YIN AND YANG]
>Where do we find them?
[BEATS ME]
Nanami put down the computer and turned to
Makoto. "What do you think?"
"I think I'll have to think about this. I hope it
doesn't mean they cause earthquakes."
"Ugh. Yeah."
*********
Namura-sensei paced back and forth in his living
room; he would have chewed his nails if they weren't
clipped short. Meiko's in danger, and I don't know what to
do about it, he thought. I'm not ready yet to get her out
of there. Not yet. I can't just carry her parents off
either.
She was supposed to stay safe, dammit, he thought.
But the pin wouldn't save her if the Dooms took a
disliking to her for some reason. It would only help keep
her from being energy drained, but the Dooms weren't
after energy. Sure, he would know she was in danger...but
he wouldn't necessarily be able to act in time.
There were other considerations as well, but he
wasn't willing to risk her unless he had to, and only very
reluctantly even then. At least Ryouko isn't in danger
too, he thought, or Kijima-kun. I wish I had someone to
talk to about this, but no one would understand, he
thought. Dammit.
************
[Eyecatch: We see the Tennis Warriors, Tennis
Mask, both Masked Golfers, Luna, Ginta, Setsuna, Miwa,
Namura-sensei, and Meiko doing the Can-Can in a line
across the screen from left to right. They then drop part
way down the screen and do it right to left. A second
line, just like the first one drops into sight. Lasers
begin to erupt up from the bottom of the screen, turning
people into dust, but yet more lines of our protagonists
drop down into sight above the ones being wiped out.
They begin to dance faster and faster, and the view pulls
back, showing endless serried dancing ranks, being
mowed down by Beryl, who runs back and forth along the
bottom of the screen, blasting them with her staff.
Finally, they get so fast she can't kill them quickly
enough to stop one of the Moons from dropping down and
tap-dancing on her head. She falls over and the words
'Game Over' flash on the screen. The view pulls back, and
we see Artemis playing the game on an Atari 2600.
Freeze Frame.]
************
Commercial:
[We see Sally Struthers standing in front of a burning
medieval village where marauding orcs are laying waste
to everything]
Sally Struthers: Don't you want to make more money?
Sure, we all do.
[We see the orcs looting all the houses]
Sally Struthers: At the Sally Struthers School of
Marauding, we can teach you how to be a rampaging land
pirate, who burns, kills, pillages, and takes whatever he
wants, wherever he wants.
[We see the orcs stuffing all the pigs into bags labeled
'brides']
Sally Struthers: Once you're a bandit, you'll be able to
set your own hours, choose your own targets, and enjoy
the death of your enemies and the lamentation of their
women.
[We see the orcs busily laminating every woman in the
village]
Sally Struthers: Even if you can't spell. Call now. 1-
800-JOIN-ORC. Do it now before the king's knights find
us and force us to change locations again.
[One of the orcs picks up Sally Struthers and throws her
over one shoulder]
Orc: The few. The disgusting, unclean and ugly. For only
fifty gold, you can learn to be part of this elite force of
unkempt, mindless evil. Do it today.
************
[Eyecatch: We see Miwa, Meiko, and Namura-Sensei
roaring around the rink in a roller derby. Namura-Sensei
grabs the little blue robot recorder, which is bouncing up
and down from its chain clipped to Meiko's waist and
throws it at Miwa's feet. He trips over it and goes flying
into the wall and collapses. Then Meiko elbow-smashes
him while he's busy gloating, sending him flying, and
roars through the finish line. She gives a roar of triumph
and the words 'Meiko Wins. Skateality' appears on the
screen]
************
It was Tennis Warrior (Plus One Masked Golfer and
Makoto) Meeting time. They had all gathered at a
secluded corner in a small park near Miki's house, sitting
in a circle near a knot of trees. Nanami said, "So that's
our clue."
"Ninja princess?" Arimi said, sounding confused.
"She's a ninja?"
Luna shook her head. "I'm pretty sure she's not a
ninja."
"Do any of you know anyone who has drunken,
paradoxical parents?" Nanami asked.
Yuu frowned. "How can parents be paradoxical?"
Ryouko began scribbling silently on a notepad, then
scratching out pieces of what she was writing.
"Magic? Is there a famous paradox involving
parents? I know Zeno's paradox involves turtles, and..."
Miki racked her brain, trying to think of any other
paradoxes. "This sentence is false. No, that doesn't
work. Ummm..."
"Ahah! I've got it!" Ryouko said. "Scratch out all
the odd numbered words and you get 'squabbling drunken
parents culminate massive twin dooms endangering
Princess'. Which I guess would mean that the Princess'
parents will turn into the twin dooms and put her in
danger. Or at least, some kind of princess' parents. It
doesn't say 'moon princess' specifically, so it could be
she's some other kind of princess."
"Hey, your parents fight sometimes, right?" Makoto
asked Nanami.
"Everyone's parents fight sometimes!" she bellowed
back a bit more sharply than she'd intended. "Doesn't
make them drunken. And I doubt I'm the Moon Princess."
"Anyone else know someone whose parents get
drunk and fight?" Ryouko asked.
"Rokutanda's parents." Yuu said. "But if he's the
Moon Princess, I'm moving to Siberia and hiding in a
cave."
Arimi laughed so hard she fell over and nearly
inhaled some grass. "That's one of the most horrible
thoughts I've ever had."
Luna snorted. "I'd join you, Yuu."
"Can't you remember SOMETHING about her, Luna?"
Miki asked. "You're the only one of us who can remember
anything about her."
"She was very kind and gentle and used to leave me
nice treats every Marsday. She was very good at ice
skating. She loved to swim and tend her garden. She had
long hair and she loved to draw and write poems. Half
the men in the palace had a crush on her. She had a sort
of odd love/hate relationship with Prince Endymion, who
was her fiancee. Her parents had arranged it, but she'd
had her eye on someone else. As a result, they fought all
the time, but what happened on the last day showed she
really did care for him, she just wasn't good at showing
it." Luna paused to lick her paws for no discernible
reason.
"What did happen?" Arimi asked.
"Well, Beryl was out to capture him because she
wanted him for herself. During the battle, she sucked
him into the sky and tried to conduct a wedding right
there. But the Princess used her power over wind to fly
into the sky to save him. Unfortunately, they started
having a fight over whose fault it was that he got
captured, and then Beryl got hold of both of them, and
things went to pot after that." Luna sighed. "She was
usually patient, but when she got mad, she would just
explode. And he set her off without even trying, even
though he never got mad at her."
"Maybe it's Setsuna," Miki speculated. "She's
patient."
"Her parents didn't fight drunkenly, though," Arimi
said.
"Neither do mine," Miki said. "Although they do act
stupid sometimes and embarrass me."
"Was the Princess bad at Mah Jong?" Arimi asked,
smirking a bit.
"Wasn't invented yet. She was good at most card
games, though."
"Definitely not Nanami, then."
"Oh, be quiet." Nanami crossed her arms and leaned
against a tree, frowning.
"Wait." A memory struck Miki. "I know Meiko's
parents had a fight recently where they threw a really
expensive vase out the window. I don't know much about
them, but..."
"And she keeps being attacked by monsters. If
nothing else, she'll probably stumble into the Dooms,"
Ryouko said.
Miki slapped her forehead. "The Luna Mask! I could
use it to check out her parents and see if they show up as
monsters. It'll work on the Dooms, won't it?"
Luna scratched her own forehead. "It might work."
Miki stood up. "Time to test it. I can drop in and
visit Meiko and get en eyeful of her folks while you all
wait outside, ready to rush in if the explosions start."
"Sounds good to me," Arimi said. Most of the others
nodded.
Yuu frowned. "What if they spot you using the mask
and tell Zwei-lite?"
"I'll have to take the risk."
***********
The screaming had started. Meiko gritted her teeth
and tried to ignore it. I'm not going to cry, she told
herself. She simply pulled her bedroom door shut.
Artemis rolled over in his sleep but didn't wake up. Suzu,
who had come over for her first lesson, said, "Are your
parents having a fight?"
"No, they're staging a reenactment of the murder of
Thomas a' Becket," Meiko replied with a tiny drop of
venom in her voice. "Anyway, you need to rewrite this
paragraph because it's just one big run-on sentence for
no good reason. And here..." Her corrections were
interrupted by the sound of an explosion.
"So that's Thomas a' Becket blowing up?" Suzu
asked.
Meiko's eyes widened. "No, but it might beon fire. In the
middle of the fire, a pitch black man in boxing trunks and
gloves was duking it out with a stark white woman clad
in a gi and limned with white flame. The flames were
igniting everything around her, although they died out
wherever he stepped. "You stupid, ignorant bitch!" he
shouted. "You would be NOTHING if it wasn't for me!"
"I could have finished college if you hadn't gotten
me pregnant, Yin, you slut! You'd stick it in a light socket
if you thought it would be fun!" She nailed him in his
flabby stomach, sending him flying backwards. "Then
maybe I'd have something to do besides sit around the
house with the brat!"
"Don't pretend you're not cheating on me, Yang!" he
bellowed, hurling the couch at her. It burnt to ash.
Suzu turned to Meiko. "This isn't normal around
here, right?"
Meiko watched, paling by the second. "Not...like
this. I think it's time for you to transform, Suzu."
Her eyes widened. "Geez, does everyone know?"
"Maybe you should stop dragging the same cat
around with you who shows up whenever Tennis Warrior
Venus does."
"Ahah! So it's Artemis' fault!"
Meiko began to retreat up the stairs. "I'll go call
the rest of the Tennis Warriors."
Suzu turned and said, "What, you know who all of us
are?"
"It's a good thing for you that the Dark Kingdom
doesn't know I know. Now, get to work."
Suzu gulped. "I don't know if I can handle both of
them at once."
"Join the club," Meiko whispered.
***********
"Sir, either you were right, or the Akizukis have
decided to level their own house from the inside," Youma
Britannia said into her Dark Kingdom Crystal Phone
(available from Bandai for only $24.99. Buy one now!).
"Blast it, I can't make it there; I'm stuck here for at
least another half an hour. You're going to have to save
her and get the Ring yourself. Use the Finding Crystal I
gave you," his voice was scratchy and distorted, but she
could tell he was mad.
"Yes, sir, but what about the Tennis Warriors? I
can't fight them all."
"They aren't there yet, are they?"
"I haven't seen any of them."
"Hmm. That could mean this is something else.
Well, save Meiko first. We will need her later. Then get
the Ring. Assuming this isn't just some effort by the
Tennis Warriors to lure us into a trap. My Dramatic
Calculations tell me there's a 40% chance of them trying
that at this point."
She nodded. "Yes, sir. I'm on my way."
*************
"I'm afraid Miki's gone to tennis practice or
something," Rumi said.
Over the phone, Meiko said, "Is Yuu there?"
"He went with her."
"Tell her to call me the SECOND she gets in," Meiko
said urgently.
"Okay!" Rumi said cheerfully. "Will do."
She hung up the phone and went back to the couch.
Jin said to her, "What was that about?"
"Just one of Miki's friends. Must have wanted help
with a video game or something; I could hear explosions."
He frowned. "I don't suppose we should call the
police?"
"I'm sure it was just a video game. Why would she
call Miki instead of the police if her house was
exploding?"
"Good point."
************
Youma Britannia carefully made her way across the
room, crawling low so Yin, Yang, and Tennis Warrior
Venus couldn't spot her. Her crystal pinged, and she dug a
white gold band out of the rubble that had once been a
couch. Ahah, she thought. She pocketed it, then tried to
creep over to the stairs so she could go look upstairs for
Meiko, since Meiko didn't seem to be downstairs.
Then Yin spotted her. "Ahah! Another enemy! Even
more pathetic than you, Yang!"
"I am not PATHETIC like you!" Yang shouted, then
threw a bolt of fire at Youma Britannia, who barely
rolled out of the way. "I can take her out with one shot!"
"Looks like she's still here!"
Tennis Warrior Venus said, "Watch out for her fire!"
She then blinked and stared at Britannia. "Are you
Meiko's sister or something?"
Britannia started to speak, then Yin hit her in the
head with a lamp, knocking her down. "Hah! I took her
out with one shot!"
She reversed her spear and slammed the butt-end
into his groin-end. He fell back, howling, and she stood
up. "I have better things to do than..." She got kicked
halfway across the room by Yang.
"No one but me kills my husband!" Yang shouted.
Youma Britannia stood up. "Right. I'll just maim
you both, then." Forgetting her mission, she charged
forward, spear in hand.
*************
Arimi looked over at Miki. "Looks like the party
started without us."
Miki watched a window at the Akizuki mansion
explode outwards, and Tennis Warrior Venus fly out the
window and slam unconscious into the ground. "Hey, it's
Tennis Warrior Venus!"
"Maybe we'll finally learn who she is," Ryouko said.
Yuu simply twitched and wished he'd learned to
control his transformation already.
"Yuu, you find Meiko and get her out," Miki said.
"Nanami, scan and find the Dooms, let us know their
weaknesses. Ryouko-sensei, you get to open the front
door if it's locked. Arimi, you're with me; we're going
the door once it's open. Makoto, you stay out here and
keep an eye out for any new trouble, okay?"
Everyone nodded, and the massive stock footage
sequence began.
**********
Meiko sat in her room and desperately wished she
could something about everything besides wait to be
saved. Artemis was trying to guard the door, for
whatever that was worth. I wish I had some powers, she
thought. Or...I should call Na-chan! What is with me?
She got up to go to the phone when a woman
wearing a outfit evocative of the Roman empire and
carrying a long spear ran in and slammed the door. She
dragged a chair over and jammed it into place. "Tennis
Warrior V went down. We've got to get you out of here.
Oh great, the only way out is the window."
Meiko blinked. "Umm...who are you?"
"Britannia."
"Are you lost?"
"That about sums it up."
A pitch black fist rammed through the door,
followed by a blindingly white foot. The door ripped
apart, and Yin and Yang stood in the doorway. Yang glared
at them. "Ahah! Protecting the little bitch who wrecked
our lives, I see," she said. "We were in love until you
came along, and then you destroyed everything! I got fat
and he never loved me again!"
"You wrecked our marriage! I have to waste all my
money on trash for you, and you don't even appreciate it!
All you do is whine about your life, but I don't see you
whining when it's time to get your money! You're a
whore, just like your mother!" Yin screamed. He
screamed even more after Yang stomped on his foot.
"I am not a whore!"
"True. You do it for free."
They began to slap each other around, and Britannia
turned to Meiko. "We've got to...Meiko?"
Meiko had crumpled up in a ball and began to cry.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...I never...I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
"Don't listen to them," Britannia said. "They're
both pathetic. He's a flabby patron of cheap whores and
she's a drunken sot who couldn't finish college in Japan,
when a dead gerbil could get a degree once they got into
the school."
"They...but I..." Meiko began to recover, just a little.
"Liar!" Yang shouted. "I couldn't finish because I
was pregnant with the sniveling brat you're protecting!"
She charged into the room in a frenzy, but then Artemis
leaped up and latched his teeth into her left arm. She
fell over, thrashing about and trying to get him loose.
"Clumsy twit," Yin said. "Now, I'm going to kill you
and your little friend with the funny hat."
In the hallway, Yuu yelled, "I found her! There's two
weird critters trying to kill her! And in case the laws of
drama are listening, I think this would be a good time for
a transformation if you don't mind!"
"Stop playing with the kitty, you worthless slut
and deal with the Tennis Warriors while I kill our
daughter," Yin said.
Yang flung Artemis onto the bed. "I want to kill
her! I'm the one who had to go through labor!"
"I'm the one who had to have sex with YOU to
conceive her. Trust me, that was much worse."
Youma Britannia whispered to Meiko, "Head for the
window."
They began to very slowly drift towards it.
"Breaking into Meiko's house and beating up Tennis
Warrior Venus and leveling everything in sight isn't very
nice!" Tennis Warrior Moon began a little tap-dance to
the tune of 'Soul Man' while she continued her speech.
"You've probably done something horrible to her parents
AND the housekeeper too, so you're going to pay! In the
name of the Moon, I will punish you!"
Yang got into the doorway and grinned. "Come and
get me!"
"Jupiter FLYING KICK!" Tennis Warrior Jupiter
shouted, leaping at Yang. Yang stepped to one side and let
Tennis Warrior Jupiter fly right past her, across the
room, and through the wall, leaving a Jupiter-sized hole.
"Next."
"BURNING PASSION SERVE!" Tennis Warrior Mars
unleashed a flaming tennis ball at Yang, who ducked. It
went through the door, through the hole, and out of sight.
They heard Jupiter scream distantly.
Yin then lashed out with a barrage of punches and
Tennis Warrior Mars said, "Ouch," and passed out.
"Next."
"GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF RAIN!" The hallway
filled with a thick mist.
"How is that supposed to stop me?" Yang asked.
"Umm...good question."
Yang stepped forward, grabbed her, rolled
backwards, and tossed her through the Jupiter hole.
"Next!"
As Tennis Warrior Moon was about to step forward,
Yuu tapped her on the shoulder. "Hey, no cutting!" she
said.
"Umm, why is everyone attacking her one at a
time?"
"Because...uh..."
Yang began to laugh. "I possess the Ultimate
Technique of Hong Kong Kung Fu! It forces my enemies to
attack me one at a time, just like the movies!"
"I suggest strategic retreat," Yuu said.
Yang charged forward. "I suggest you pass out."
"Moon, run! I'll hold her...ooooof." Yang trampled
over Yuu, who transformed just as he passed out.
Moon ran.
Meanwhile, Yin was facing off with Britannia,
slowly driving her back towards the window. Only the
fact that she was armed was keeping him from swatting
her like a bug. Britannia said, "You're going to have to
jump, Meiko."
"But...I can't jump that far!"
"I can't beat him, and I can't hold him off forever.
If you don't jump, he'll get you."
Meiko hesitated by the window, then opened it, then
turned back and stared at Yin. She could see he had been
her father, but she didn't want to believe this was all he
was. Was he just a monster all along, she wondered. The
human just a thin veneer over it? But if both of my
parents are monsters, what does that make me? She
shuddered at the thought. Will I turn out to be the next
Doom?
She stared at him. Is that my fate? It can't be, she
thought. Please, no, not like that. And yet, the things he
said...
With effort, she fought off the urge to faint, to
abandon everything and let the world work out its
problems without her being dragged into them. I can't
run away, she thought. I have to do something. She
picked up her clock from the end table by her bed and
hurled it at Yin. All it did was get his attention when it
bounced off his head. "Take that!" She shouted.
"You ungrateful little...DIE!" he shouted, lunging
straight at her, ignoring the spear blow to his ribs as he
knocked her out the window.
She screamed and fell. The fall was swift, and to
her surprise, someone caught her. It was Miwa. "I guess
I won't be taking Suzu home any time soon," he said.
"What are you doing here, you idiot? You'll get
yourself killed!" she shouted.
"You're welcome," he said, grinning, and put her
down. She promptly fell over, clutching her stomach, and
his face darkened. "Meiko!"
"I'm fine. Get out of here before you die."
Tennis Warrior Venus came running up just in time
to catch Britannia as she went out the window. "Jeez,
what's this guy got about knocking people through
windows?"
A few seconds later, he leaped out the window,
holding Britannia's spear, and she got her chance to ask
him.
************
The parlor was a burnt out shell now. Moon,
Jupiter, and Mercury faced off with Yang there. "Has she
got any kind of weakness?" Moon asked.
"Hmm. 'Pretty Boys Half Her Age', 'Rum', and 'Jerry
Springer'."
"There's probably rum in the kitchen. Go get it,"
Moon said.
"Hah! I'm not dumb enough to get drunk DURING a
battle," Yang said. "So, who wants a beating first?"
Jupiter cracked her knuckles. "Batter up."
"No, no, we can't let her make us fight her one at a
time again!" Moon said. "We need a plan!"
"Like what?" Mercury asked.
Moon looked around. "Like running past her up the
stairs to get Mars and the Masked Golfer. Mercury, cover
us."
"GAME CALLED ON ACCOUNT OF RAIN!"
Mist settled over everything, and Yang began to
howl about how the water stains would never come out
of her expensive drapes.
**************
Miwa was down. Britannia's head was stuffed up
inside her hat, and she wasn't moving. Tennis Warrior
Venus was desperately dodging attacks from Yin. He was
much stronger; she was much quicker. Finally, he
managed to grab her. "Well, end of the line! Oh, by the
way...YOU'RE UGLY!"
Venus winced. "I am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Not as ugly as your corroded heart!" A male voice
proclaimed from a tree limb. "You've allowed your
marriage to crumble into a pile of rot, and you blame
everyone else but yourself. Well, I've come to settle this
the manly way. I'm going to pound you flat." It was
Tennis Mask, who was wearing a Dr. Laura mask today.
He had a tennis ball cannon slung over one shoulder, and
he now opened fire.
Yang dropped Tennis Warrior Venus, fell backwards
under the barrage, and collapsed. Tennis Mask dropped
down from the tree and ran over to Meiko. "Are you
okay?"
Venus said, "Take off the mask so I can tell if
you're cute!"
He laughed. "No can do."
"I'm fine," she said, then hunched over. "Sort of."
"I'd best get you to a doctor."
"You've got to stop..." She winced. "Mother."
"I'll just..." He suddenly went silent, mainly
because Yang had just hit him in the head with Britannia.
Quietly, he slumped over.
"FASTBALL SPECIAL!"
He got barraged by balls from Tennis Warrior Venus
and fell down, then slowly began to get back up. "That
hurt, brat."
"That was the idea. FAST...ack, I don't have any
balls!"
"Not too many women have balls," he said, then
began chasing her around the yard again.
************
"Ahah! I've got it!" Mercury said. They'd managed
to hook up with Mars and the Masked Golfer, Yuu edition.
"Computer says there's two ways to beat them. One is to
get them to beat each other unconscious. The second way
is for Mars and Venus to use the two rings of Serenity we
have to 'Super Size' themselves. That will make them
strong enough to beat these two Dooms. And it only
costs 39 yen each."
Mars reached into her bosom and pulled out the
ring, which she had strung on a cord. Snapping the cord,
she put it on. "How do I do it?"
Mercury spent a few seconds typing. "You yell,
'SUPER SIZE ME!'"
"I shouldn't have asked. SUPER SIZE ME!" Mars
shouted.
A pillar of flame roared down, destroying more of
the house, and when it cleared, Mars was six inches
taller, and her uniform had turned a bright red with
yellow trim. Her hair had turned bright red as well, with
yellow tips. Super Sized Mars wobbled slightly from the
sudden perspective change. "Hey, everyone shrunk!"
"No, you've been supersized," Mercury said all-
knowingly. "Now we've got to find Venus. Super Sized
Mars, you can go kick Yang's butt while we do that."
Super Sized Mars raised an eyebrow. "All by
myself?"
"The computer says you can."
"Oh, like we all love and trust your computer."
"Hey, it hasn't gotten any of us maimed beyond
recognition yet!"
**********
While Tennis Warrior Venus was distracting Yin,
Meiko managed to shake Tennis Mask awake. He groggily
said, "Zat you, mom? Just five more minutes."
"We don't have five more minutes, Na-chan! You've
got to get up!"
She could see his eyes widen. "How did you know?"
She poked the white gold pin of two racquets he had
pinned on his shirt. "I gave you this."
He slapped his forehead. "Urgh."
Dragging him to his feat, she said, "Pound my father
flat for me while I go try and help Britannia."
"With pleasure."
************
"End of the line, crack whore!" Super Sized Mars
shouted across the kitchen at Yang, who had dropped in
for a quick tankard of rum.
"I am NOT a crack whore!" She hurled the tankard at
Super Sized Mars, who vaporized it with a single flaming
tennis ball.
"Drunken whore just doesn't have the same flare to
it," Super Sized Mars replied. "Here, have some flaming
Dr. Pepper, hold the Dr. Pepper. FLAMING BARRAGE!!!!" She
unleashed a torrent of flaming tennis balls at Yang, who
staggered backwards under the onslaught, crashing into
the pantry.
Super Sized Mars ran after her, only to get an
entire bag of flour flung at her face. She instinctively
tried to parry it, only to have it break, exploding into a
great cloud which engulfed her. Humans not being
designed to breathe flour, she soon found herself hacking,
coughing, and choking. Then Yang grabbed her and threw
her through the serving door into the dining room, where
she slid the length of the table, sending three sets of
flowers and all the place settings flying.
Yang leaped up onto the table and charged towards
her, only to stumble and fall off the table when a golf
ball suddenly rolled under her right foot right as it came
down. Super Sized Mars, who was still trying to get to
her feet, turned and looked and saw Masked Golfer II in
the doorway. "Don't give up hope, Super Sized Mars! With
the power of love, you can overcome anything!"
"What's love got to do with it?"
Music started up.
o/~ Love ain't nothing, but a second-hand emotion
o/~ Yin began to sing.
Super Sized Mars stared at the Masked Golfer II in
confusion, then they began to sing as well. o/~ Who
needs a heart if a heart can be broken o/~
The glories of three-part harmonies soon filled the
room.
************
Tennis Mask and Tennis Warrior V were still going
at it with Yin when the rest of the heroine brigade
arrived, signaled by Yin getting a golf ball to the head.
"Come and get me, your ugliness," the Masked Golfer said.
While Yin chased the Masked Golfer, Moon ran over
to Venus and gave her the ring of Venus. "Put this on, and
shout 'Super Size Me!'" Moon said.
Venus put it on. "Super Size Me? Like a..." A heart
big enough to hold the entire world fell on her from the
heavens, and a wave of light and perfume exploded
outward from her. When everyone finished blinking,
Venus now looked about six years older, several inches
taller, and much more yellow (well, her uniform was now
totally yellow with a blue fringe). "Whew, I was afraid
I'd become a hamburger."
"Now, kick his butt," Moon said.
Masked Golfer I now was headed right for the
Tennis Warriors and company. Super Sized Venus twisted
the end of her racquet and a short metal rod, about five
inches long and an inch and a half in diameter dropped
out. She gripped the rod in her right hand, placing her
thumb on the button at the top end.
"VENUS LOVE-ME NEURONIC WHIP!" She punched the
button and a three foot long chain of hearts erupted from
the end of the whip. She reared back with it, and
accidentally nailed Tennis Mask, Moon, and Mercury, who
all howled, and collapsed. Blissfully oblivious, she
lashed out at Yin. Not having any practice, she nailed
Masked Golfer I AND Yin, who both screamed, "ELVIS!" and
collapsed, despite not knowing what, if anything, Elvis
had to do with this.
"Cool," she said, then hit the button again and the
whip retracted. "Another triumph for Tennis Warrior
Venus, the Cutest Tennis Warrior in the UNIVERSE! Suck
on that, Sana!"
Miwa sat up and muttered about people not knowing
how to keep their secret identity very well.
************
They went searching for Mars and Yang, and found
both of them, along with the second Masked Golfer, busily
singing o/~ It's a hard knock life o/~ and downing sake in
the kitchen. The Masked Golfer II stopped singing and
came over to the others. "Don't bother them. They're
bonding."
"..." Near-universal disbelief sank in.
Britannia, who was leaning on her spear, said, "Now
what?"
Yang looked up and saw Meiko and began to cry
instead of singing, babbling incoherently about how she
was sorry and didn't know what she was doing.
Meiko glared at her and spread her arms to
encompass all the visible damage. "Saying you're sorry
won't undo the fact that you WRECKED OUR HOUSE AND
TRIED TO KILL ME!"
"I know," she mumbled. "Yoush shoulda jusht
shtayed in your room and let ush kill eash other. Then
you be free. All the money and everything."
Meiko continued to stare daggers at her, but then
her anger began to melt. Her mother, monster or not,
looked more pathetic than Meiko had ever seen her before.
She couldn't stay angry at her, not when she was like
this. Slowly, her tensed muscles relaxed, and she sagged
herself. "I won't put up with any more of this," she said.
"I don't care what people say, either this stops, or I'll
leave, even if I have to live in a gutter, because I have
had enough." Her voice was stronger than it had ever
been, talking to her mother.
"Can't get divorced," her mother mumbled.
"Families would cut ush all off. Not until parents die and
we inherit."
"Then I'll have to leave."
Yang's eyes widened in horror. "No, you can't
leave...shure the only good thing left. My baby. The only
thing I didn't fail at."
"You said you wanted to kill me because I wrecked
your life!" Meiko had to restrain herself, aided by
knowing she couldn't actually really hurt Yang anyway.
Moon put a hand on Meiko's shoulder, and she
started to relax again. "She's not worth it, Meiko."
"She's wright. I'm not worsh it," Yang said, then
took another chug of sake. "I didn't mean it. I mean, I
did, but I wasn't thinking, I was just hang...angle...angry,
and I needed shometing to blaym. I sorry. Can't shrink
straight when I'm shober."
Meiko felt a mixture of sorrow, pity, digust, and
exhaustion. What she wanted to do was to leave right
now and go live with Na-chan and NEVER EVER come back.
But she didn't want to leave like this, either. Especially
not leaving them as monsters. They'd probably try to kill
each other again once her father woke up. "Mother, what
are you and Father going to do when he wakes up?"
"I'm gonna drink 'til I pass out. So I'll give him
some shake too. You want shome?" She offered the flask
hopefully to Meiko, who waved it away.
Makoto ran in. "The cops and the fire trucks are
coming."
They could hear the sirens now.
"We've got to turn your parents back to normal!"
Moon said. "But...all the other ones turned back when we
knocked them out."
Artemis said, "Because Yang is still awake, and
they're linked. Yang, you have to let go, if you want to
turn back to normal."
Yang dropped the flask, which spilled sake on her.
"Like that?"
He rolled his eyes. "No, you have to want to go back
to normal. Or let us knock you out."
"Don' wanna go back to normal. Wanna go back to
junior high and shtart over."
Super Sized Venus said, "You need to do it for your
daughter. If the cops find you two and haul you off, she'll
have to be all alone. And you're really pretty when you're
normal."
"You shink I'm petty?"
"Very pretty. Pretty people shouldn't have to be
monsters," Super Sized Venus said gently. "It's bad for
the complexion."
"Would you marry me?" she asked.
Super Sized Venus facefaulted.
"Jusht joking," she said. She closed her eyes and
gave a great sigh, and color flooded back over her,
turning her back to normal and her gi into a battered
dress. She slumped over, her body relaxing as she passed
out. Her husband reverted as well, now wearing a torn
and burnt suit.
"Time for us all to turn back to normal," Moon said.
"So we don't have to answer any funny questions."
Mass de-transformations followed, then many of
the people present said, "NA-CHAN?", except for Arimi,
who said, "Hey, the second Masked Golfer ran off again!"
Namura-sensei shuffled about nervously.
"Umm...yes." His eyes widened. "Ryouko?"
They both scratched their heads nervously, then
smiled. "Now I know what you were talking about,"
Ryouko said. "Funny world, isn't it. Now, if the second
Masked Golfer turns out to be Kijima-kun, we'll all be
together again, eh?"
He laughed. "Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised. I
never would have guessed, although I should have."
Meiko had to fight herself to resist the urge to
throw herself into Na-chan's arms, but she couldn't. Not
yet. "Miki, can I stay at your house again tonight?"
"Of course you can," Miki said.
And then the cops arrived.
***********
Miki, Yuu, and Meiko dragged home late, carrying
luggage for Meiko. Jin answered the door, looking mad.
"It's 1 AM! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?"
Meiko bowed deeply. "I'm sorry, Mr. Koishikawa. My
house burned down, and they've been helping me pick
through the rubble and get everything I could save. Also,
I had to explain everything to the police and fire
department."
"..."
"Please, may I stay with you for a few days?"
"Uhh...sure. Where are your parents? Are they
hurt?" His tone had changed completely, and now he was
worried.
"Yes. They've both gone to the hospital," Meiko said.
"But they should recover."
"I'll set up the guest room." He turned and shouted
down the hallway. "They're home! Meiko's house burned
down and they were helping her."
A flurry of activity began.
************
Yuu and Miki finally got Meiko into bed in the guest
room. After she closed the door, she turned to Yuu. "And
I thought my parents could be bad."
He nodded. "I'd never thought I was lucky to have
the ones I do, but..." He put a hand on her shoulder. "I'm
glad to be living with good people like your parents, too."
She smiled at him. "And I like yours too. I think
they'll be good for Meiko."
He nodded, then frowned. "Or it might make her
more depressed, knowing they're not hers."
"She'll probably almost forget they're adults, the
way they carry on sometimes," Miki said. "But they're
great at making people feel at home. They'll probably
tell her to call them mama and papa."
"She doesn't call her own parents that," Yuu said
quietly. "I think it'll take a while for her to get to that
point, but I think you're right. They probably will make
her feel better. Lunacy and all. I guess I'd better get to
bed," he said and turned to go.
"Thanks for helping me move Meiko's stuff," Miki
said. "You didn't have to, after all."
"You'd have broken in half under the weight," he
said. "I kept wondering if she packed some bricks to keep
as keepsakes. And it would have been pretty rude to walk
along while you two were loaded down."
"Never stopped you before."
"I'm only rude when it's funny, not when it hurts
someone," he said, then turned again. "Goodnight, Miki."
"Goodnight, Yuu."
***********
General Zwei-lite pocketed the Earth/Moon ring.
This should prove quite useful, he thought. And for once,
my youma got out alive! This has gone far better than I
expected. Well, except for everything being laid waste
and Meiko being put in far too much danger. He frowned.
Now she was homeless.
The Koishikawa girl would take care of her until it
was time for him to move in and take her away, though.
Better than her own parents would.
He smiled. Now I have all their secret identities,
except for that second Masked Golfer. And I have four of
the six rings. And a way to keep tabs on what they're
doing. I'll have to tread carefully, but yes, this is
shaping up very nicely. The Laws of Drama won't be able
to stop me, he thought. Victory will be mine.
John Biles
Emperor of all He Surveys
http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
"He who breaks a thing to find out what it is, has left the path of
wisdom."
-Gandalf