So I�m out in the woods with a bunch of friends. Nothing strange
and/or
unusual about that. I live in the not so great state of Arkansas, it
seems like
I�m always in the woods.
None of us are over 21, so we had to bribe a guy to buy the beer for
us,
then we loaded up and headed out to this little place somewhere close to
this
local river, the Saline river I think it was. It�s a real popular
place, where
everyone goes to get drunk and party. It�s not like there�s anything
else to do
around here.
It�s thirty miles to the nearest city, and I use the term loosely. How
can
you can call anything with less than twenty thousand people a city is
beyond me,
but they did so there it is. I went to school in the only place I�ve
ever heard
of where Graduation was canceled for lack of attendance.
The college, HAH! Don�t get me started. 1600 acre college, but it�s
mainly a forestry school. That means there�s a grand total of 20 acres
of
buildings, 60 acres of pasture, and well over a thousand acres of
trees. This
place sucks.
So that explains why we were out in the woods. We were bored.
It was a half-assed party, not very many people showed up because there
was a big fishing trip that day and some hadn�t made it back in time. We
had a
bunch of cases and a few fifths, and enough pizza to make sure no one
would get
the dry heaves. The fire was barely big enough to let you see across
the water
to the other side, but that was okay. It was too hot for a really big
fire
anyway.
But just because the fire was a bit small was no excuse for me to get
lost
after stepping out to answer a call of nature.
My sense of direction ain�t great, I was twice as old as all my friends
before my parents let me go hunting by myself, but it�s not really that
bad.
I mean, geez, lost that quickly? I wandered around hollering my fool
head
off for what seemed like an hour before I gave up the battle and passed
out. Or
maybe I passed out and then hollered... Bah, unimportant details.
Anyway, the next thing I know I�m clutching my head and moaning in pain
and there�s this big hairy guy standing over me and pushing me with his
foot.
Wait, wait just one minute, I said to myself. That�s not daddy. Daddy
ain�t that gentle. He usually uses the stereo.
I opened my eyes, ran through a few curse words, got pretty inventive
if I
do say so myself, and shut them again. It took a few tries, but I
finally
figured out that, no, this guy wasn�t anyone I knew, and yes, this guy
was still
prodding me and talking to someone out of my sight.
I sat up and looked around a bit blearily. He jumped back a few feet
when
I sat up and drew a sword. A freaking sword! This guy is pointing a
sword at
me!
While not the same as a shotgun, the effect pointing a sword at me has
is
nevertheless quite similar. One of my old teachers found this out and
used a
yard stick to keep me in line this way.
I sat up straighter, opened my eyes wider, and became very obedient and
attentive.
He liked that, I could tell.
He was really really tall. I couldn�t even look up that high, but I
think
that was mainly because my head hurt when I tried to move it. I settled
for
paying close attention to his belt buckle. His clothes looked weird, I
mean,
this wasn�t no bluejeans and t-shirt guy. It looked like he was wearing
colored
burlap covered in dirt and grass stains.
He said something to me that I didn�t quite catch.
�Huh?� I said cleverly.
�Buijar! Huunahgh. Kirtyu!� he said, or something to that effect.
At some length, I figured out that he was telling me he wanted all of
my
money. I stood up slowly, not because I didn�t want to show threat, but
because
the ground isn�t the most comfortable place to pass out.
�Sorry bud. I�m broke.�
He seemed a bit taken aback by that. �No gold?�
I shrugged to indicate that he wasn�t the only one disappointed by my
financial status.
He gestured at my clothes. �You�re poor? What�s with the fine
clothes?�
I guess I must have looked a bit blank. Fine clothes? But, I thought,
compared to what he�s wearing�
Another guy showed up behind him. I heard more footsteps and a few
sniggers and realized that I was surrounded. A short lived thought of
running
crossed my mind, but I decided against it. I�m a runner away of Olympic
standards, but I was in the middle of a bunch of people armed with
swords.
Hey, these people were nuts! Who else would be running around in the
woods armed with swords and trying to rob people? All right! I can
relate to
that, if you can�t beat them join them and all that.
�Yall are highwaymen right?� I said brightly.
Several of them shrugged and one guy asked, �Highwaymen?�
�You know, robbers? Bandits?�
�Yeah! Yeah, yeah,� they all agreed.
�Can I join?�
The guy that had been annoying me looked puzzled. �You want to join
us?�
I nodded enthusiastically. �Yeah! I�ve always wanted to go around
harassing people!�
He scratched his chin. �I dunno, we don�t let just anyone join.�
�Please?� I asked. He wavered.
I could see I needed to sweeten the deal. I turned boldly to the rest
of
them, all standing around, leaning on swords and generally being as
threatening
as possible with minimal effort. I cleared my throat. �All right, who
here
thinks he�s the biggest badass around?�
All of them kinda turned their heads away and whistled, looking this
way
and that. All but one.
This was exactly the kind of guy you would expect to answer a question
like that. Huge. Way taller than me, and I�m over six foot. Hell,
his sword
was bigger than I am. He walked forward and glared at me. �I am,� he
rumbled.
I paled. Whoa. Swallowing nervously, I looked back to the rest of the
gang. �Well, I can see that that position is taken. Okay, so who�s the
biggest
wuss?�
A few snickered, a lot more smiled and shook their heads, but no one
said
anything this time. I mean, who wants to be known as the biggest wuss?
Ah, but I�m not proud, at least not when it comes to my own hide. I
looked around closely, avoiding looking at the big guy. �Well,� I
said. �It
seems that position is open. Can I have it?�
Yes! I thought happily. They�re laughing at me! I can work with
this!
I became dimly aware of a bass thunder coming from behind me, roughly
where that
huge guy was. I think he was laughing too.
All of a sudden I�m hit from behind and sent face first into a tree.
�I like this guy. I say we keep him.�
Gratitude flooded my heart the way tears flooded my eyes. They had
accepted me as one of their own!
I soon discovered that while acceptance was a good thing, it wasn�t all
it
was cracked up to be. Guess who�s five ton chunk of steel I got to
carry back
to their camp?
Camp was a squalid affair. It was sitting beside this river, had a few
moth eaten tents sagging here and there, and something foul and black
was
burning over the fire.
It looked like they�d been there a while, and smelled like they�d been
there even longer. It�s amazing how many people never seemed to have
grasped
the concept of the latrine. I wasn�t volunteering though.
I gathered from the conversations I tried striking up with different
people that the day had been just another in a long line of unsuccessful
days.
At least I had been mildly interesting.
I figured that they were probably unsuccessful at robbing people
because
they stayed in roughly one spot in woods no one went to very often. At
the
first opportunity I was going to run for civilization, but they seemed
friendly
enough now that they weren�t threatening me. I could afford to hang
around a
while longer.
I even went so far as to snag some old rags and dress like them to put
them at ease. I couldn�t get a sword, but hey, what was I going to do
with a
sword? Cut myself?
We sat around and BSed for a while, someone passed around a bottle and
I
took a swig. Not bad, a little harsh going down, but not bad. Put me
in mind
of cheap vodka.
Then this one guy, a little skinny guy with a short sword, comes
running
into the camp out of breath.
�Travelers! Two of them! And one had a bag of gold!�
About half the goons and me stand up and run after him, back to where
he
saw the travelers. I�m a fairly honest person, but gold? Count me in!
We all ended up sneaking through the woods, splitting up into two
groups
to ambush the victims. We hunkered down behind some trees overlooking a
trail
and waited. I kept close to the big guy, the better to hide behind so
to speak.
Everyone held their breath. It took a few minutes, but then I heard
it.
A few twigs breaking, leaves rustling, cloth swishing rhythmically.
Adrenaline surged through my body. Hot damn! Some action!
I could hear the two, and it was definitely two of them, as they close
to
the ambush point. And then one of them says something to the other.
Something
about food, followed by a name. Gourry.
I squeezed my eyes shut and muttered a quick prayer. Surely to god
no. I
couldn�t stand it. I poked my head up and looked just as they were
getting
between the two banks hiding the guys.
One, tall, blond, smiling and holding a sword. The other, short,
female,
although you really did have to look twice to be sure, red hair, also
with
sword. Bright outfit.
The blond, Gourry, looks over at me as he�s finishing his sentence.
��dit�s camp is this way, Linna.�
Wow. This is pretty f***ed up right here. And then I had to look at
myself, because this is the type of situation where you tend to look at
yourself.
Damn I made a convincing bandit.
It�s amazing what pure and utter terror can do. People have even been
known to think. I know my own IQ shot up a few points for every inch
she raised
her hands.
Personally, I thought I had a pretty good idea.
I charged from cover, screaming at the top of my lungs, nearly lost my
head as Gourry stepped forward to check my rush, and fell to the ground
kissing
her feet.
�Oh my god! It�s really you! Linna Inverse! WOW! Oh, man, you�re
the
greatest! Legendary! Famous! Even more beautiful than the tales say!
Can I
have your autograph?� After all, I reasoned, only someone truly
heartless will
kill the guy groveling at their feet, and if she�s truly heartless I�m
screwed
anyway.
Her own response was to jump back and kick at me, yelling something
about
�Get it off get it off!� but as long as the words weren�t �FIREBALL� or
something similar I was in good shape.
Ribs heal quickly, death takes longer.
Gourry pried me off with his sword, did you know he was pretty strong?,
and dropped me to the ground.
About this time the rest of the gang has popped out from behind cover,
following my lead, and is menacing the duo with drawn swords. Knowing
that
this was a bad thing, I tried to head off trouble at the pass.
�Look guys! It�s out goddess! I present, ta dah! Linna� INVERSE!� I
did my best to be honored by her presence, rather than terrified.
I could see about have of them blanch and a few others get a grimmer
expression on their faces.
Linna wasn�t concerned about the know threat, that is, the bandits, but
I
was a bit harder to figure. I didn�t fit the known pattern.
�Look,� she said. �Who are you and why are bowing at me? What�s with
your bandits?�
I could see the leader getting a bit upset over the �my bandits�
comment
so I hurried to cover.
�Bandits? No, hah hah. We�re not bandits at all, are we boys? We�re
the
Linna Inverse fan club! Ain�t that right?� I slapped a hand over one�s
mouth
that looked like he was about to say something and used it to nod his
head.
�See! We�re all honest here. Nope, not bandits, just your friendly
neighborhood fan club.� For some reason, I couldn�t stop the nervous
laughter.
I finally had to clap a hand over my own mouth.
Gourry chose that moment to share one of his insights. �How come
you�re
dressed like bandits?�
�Cheap clothes! The membership dues are steep and we couldn�t afford
anything better. Yeah, that�s it.�
He nodded, but Linna seemed a bit more skeptical. �And the swords?�
she
asked carefully.
I racked my brain for a second, then rallied. �Dangerous out here, you
bet, what with animals and bandits and stuff. Gotta be careful, don�t
know what
thew worlds coming to anymore�,� I looked at her, hoping beyond hope
that she�d
buy it.
She turned it over in her head a few moments, during which time I had
to
very carefully hit one guy that was making speaking up noises below the
belt.
�No talking in ranks,� I hissed.
Finally, one salient point made it out her mouth. �I have a fan club?�
I smiled. �Of COURSE you have a fan club! You�re Linna Inverse!�
She nodded, more to herself than anything else. �This fan club, tell
me
about it.�
�Well, it� she cut me off.
�On the way to the bandit camp I�m going to blow up. I can give you a
personal account.�
Stars shone in my eyes, and my life passed before them. �Oh, that�d be
WONDERFUL!� I gushed. Then I stopped and scratched my chin. �But where
is this
bandit camp? We�re camped close by, I�d hate to find out that our stuff
had
been stolen while we were away.�
A nasty light appeared in her eye, one that I didn�t particularly like
the
look of, but whatcha gonna do? �Oh, it�s a little ways that way,� she
pointed,
�right beside a river overlooked by a bluff.�
And that one guy, the one guy that�s willing to go along with it but
not
smart enough to get it, spoke up. �Gee, that sounds a lot like our
camp.�
My heart attempted to move into my head via my throat and my vision
dimmed.
As if from a long way away, I heard her say, �Imagine that.�
�Yeah,� I said weakly. �Imagine that.�
�You know,� she continued, �you�re not the first to try the old �we�re
not
a bandit gang we�re a fan club� trick.�
I snapped my fingers. �Damn. I never seem to be able to come up with
an
idea no one else has.�
�But, you are the first one I�ve seen that actually really thought I was
stupid enough to fall for it.� She held her hands up, pointed at me.
�That
gets me mad.�
My nerve broke to the tune of, �AHHHHH!� with a few dips and rises in
the
volume caused by my legs jarring me every time they hit the ground,
which was
often.
Through the blood pounding in my ears, I could just barely hear those
two
words that when put together can strike fear into the heart of a lowly
bandit
such as myself.
�FIREBALL!�
And then, there was light. And heat. And lots and lots of pain.
Much later, I woke up. Somewhere white, with clean sheets and a hard
bed.
The first thing I saw was white, the a few subtle shades of white
indicated bed, pillow, and bandage on my hand. Upon further inspection
the
bandage appeared to cover large portions of my body.
�Flame hot.�
A laugh got my attention. I looked around the hospital room I could
see
that I was in. One of my friends was sitting over to one side, looking
a bit
tired like he had just woke up. �Yes, flame hot.� He looked at me. �I
just
wanted to see the expression on your face. It�s priceless.�
�Better believe it, it�s not for sale.� I groaned. �What the hell
happened?�
�You got drunk.�
�Yeah, I remember that much. Then what? I remember something about
swords, and fire, and burlap.�
He looked puzzled, but quickly continued. �You ate some of the pizza.�
�Pizza?�
�You know, the sausage, pepperoni, canadian bacon, bell pepper, and
hallucinogenic mushroom surprise pizza?�
�Oh god. It was a surprise.�
�Yeah. We all started worrying when you started running around the
camp
wearing the pizza box, but it was kinda funny watching you freak out, at
least
until you fell in the fire.�
So what have we learned today kiddies?
Well, Mr. Wannabe Wizard, we learned that you watch too much anime,
and,
most importantly, FLAME HOT.
This has been inspired in part by strange chemicals, but also in part by
a
friend that learned that lesson the hard way. Flame hot. Now he has to
have
his bedroom rebuilt. I'll quit laughing one of these days. It's funny
because he didn't get hurt.
Oh yeah, please C&C. Flames welcome, MSTs even more so. I'd love to
have something MSTed.
This has been sitting around on my harddrive for a while so I figured
I'd finish it and get it over with.
--
Ragun P. Moody
AKA Kichigai
ICQ# 37606443
Visit my site!
http://lavender.fortunecity.com/clockwork/416/index.html