Draft version.
Hmm, does that mean it's available in bottles too? :)
C&C is most welcome.
Your wish is my command... or something like that.
<Insert Usual Disclaimer>
All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.
Hope blossomed in her heart. Ranma's
question... did that mean he was ready to open up to her,
to act as if they were a couple in more than just name?
"I don't want to talk about it," he said, as they alighted
upon the roof of the Saotome family home.
She wanted to kill him.
{heh. Precisely IC for both of them at this point. Just about as often
as Ranma does something Akane takes the wrong way, she seizes on
something he does as a sign that maybe he likes her too... and is
usually promptly disappointed. Strangle him a good one, Akane. :) }
Ryoga answering look clearly said 'So?'.
Ryoga's {...} 'So?' {extraneous period}
images that swarmed his mind. It was then that he noticed
the stickiness on his fingers from where they had touched
fingers where
the wood of the door. The smell struck him suddenly.
Pungent, metallic... and invigorating. He had to resist
licking his fingers free of the red fluid. "Pops!" he
{suggest} resist the urge to lick his fingers
shouted as he leapt into the heart of the shadows.
---
An Awakening of Demons
A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic
By Kagami
Chapter 4: Preparations for War
Of course, Ranma's relentless pacing around the room like
a caged tiger
{Not a simile that's usually applied to Ranma, but in the context of
this fic it's very evocative.}
wasn't helping to steady her nerves either.
She opened her mouth to snap at him, when her father broke
in.
{suggest either}
She opened her mouth to snap at him, but then her father broke
in.
{or}
She was about to open her mouth to snap at him when her father broke
in.
"Waaahh!" cried Soun, tears gushing from his eyes. "Don't
die, Saotome-kun. Who will I play shogi with in my old age
{suggest} Saotome-kun!
"Heh, t...take a lot more than a couple of demons to put
your old man down, boy." Genma shifted in the bed
uncomfortably before meeting Ranma's eyes. "I'm sorry, son.
I couldn't stop them from taking your mother. Guess I'm not
good for much other than being a panda."
{I can live with this, but I'd have expected something a bit more like
"I fought bravely, but there were too many of them" from Genma.
Bombast's more his style than self-pity, I think.}
Ranma described confrontation with his demonic half-sister
described the confrontation
and her army of oni. His voice dipped and rose as battle
as the battle {or maybe} as a battle
took shape before Nabiki's eyes. This was the first time
she'd had a complete story told from Ranma's point of view.
{Well, sure. Usually no one lets him finish. :) }
After making sure that Genma was getting treatment in
hospital, Ukyo and Kodachi had quickly consoled Ranma on
his second loss of the night and retreated. To prepare,
they had mentioned before promising that they'd return
mentioned,
soon. Shampoo had left soon after, again to prepare she
{suggest} also to prepare, she'd said.
said.
8<
of one another. Nabiki shook her head in bemusement. If she
hadn't heard the truth of Ranma's real parentage from Aunty
Nodoka herself, she would have sworn that they were really
{suggest, for emphasis} they really were
father and son.
"I think that Raiha was one of Ansou's primary servitors.
The Thunderbeast, if I remember right. If Shukumaru called
out his name and used what could only have been his power,
then she's bound him as her servitor. That means that your
next duel with her at the 'Shrine of Thunder' is going to
be a bigger trap than you think." Genma paused to examine
the problem. "You'll be going against her in her home
territory, and with a good likelihood that this servitor
beast will also show up. You'd best prepare yourself well,
boy."
{"Saotome Secret Technique-- FARADAY CAGE!!" :) }
He turned to look around the room, acknowledging Nabiki
and Soun with a brief glance. "Where's everyone else?"
"Preparing," Ranma answered grimly.
{"Akane said she'd send you some special meals to help you get better."
:) }
"Thank you, Konatsu," Ukyo replied, both touched and
warmed by the displayed concern. She reflected on the
thoughts that had occupied her mind as she had walked back
had occupied her mind as she walked {? I think this time "walked" can
borrow the "had" from "occupied"...}
from the hospital. Genma had been badly injured, her
beloved Ranchan had turned out to be a half-demon, and Mrs.
Saotome had been kidnapped. Shouldn't she be feeling
something other than numb acceptance? No, there would be
time to reflect on all of this later. "Konatsu, I need you
to go to my home town in Kansai."
{If I knew what her home town was, I'd suggest you phrase it as "to
[name], my home town", but I don't. Perhaps someone else does?}
"Dear sister, what do you intend?" The carefully cultured
voice of Tatewaki Kuno penetrated the dark confines of the
Kuno manse basement.
manse's
"That foul demon Saotome has lured you into another of his
fiendish schemes, has he not?" Tatewaki tried to sound
sternly disapproving.
{Right, deny THAT one, Kodachi. :) }
Oh, brother, Kodachi thought, if only you knew.... Her
darling Ranma-sama was half a demon. What did that little
truth mean for Kodachi Kuno? As the Devil Hunter of the
Kuno Clan, her course was clear: all demons had to fall
before her and so, Ranma-sama should perish as well.
{suggest} her, and so Ranma-sama must perish
{Well, she could just adopt a slightly different interpretation of
"fall"; I'm sure she is perfectly capable of tripping him and beating
him to the floor. :) Seriously, we all know this is going to be a large
and entertaining dilemma.}
As
Kodachi, the beautiful high school student aged eighteen,
Ranma-sama... Ranma-sama was her heart, her soul, her
reason for life - well, him and Ryoga-sama as well, of
course. What course should she follow? What path should she
choose?
{"I must have them both!" :) Tatewaki is going to get a real shock when
he eventually hears her say that. Maybe it'll do the trick.}
Her brother flinched as her words struck true. Tatewaki
recovered and turned away, his back stiff with inflicted
offense. "Very well, sister. Do as you please. I merely
came to inform you that Sasuke has prepared our afternoon
repast in the Teak Room. Join us there if you will."
{argh. Sasuke? He's not in the manga, as Gary pointed out. If you must
use him, I suggest using him for comic relief. His reaction to Konatsu,
for example, might be amusing... especially since Konatsu can wipe the
floor with him without breaking a sweat.}
Yes, indeed, a worthy plan that her great-grandmother
would certainly respect, and her unapproved usage of the
artifacts would pass without censure. Besides, why else had
her great-grandmother brought them here if not for use?
{And once again Shampoo goes off at half-cock. Very typical.}
She switched to Chinese and started explaining the night's
events.
"Yes, great-grandmother. I'm fine.... Yes, Umibouzu
appeared... the memorized speech worked really well. Learn
the other 15 by heart as well?"
{hehehe!}
Shampoo's voice trailed off
dejectedly. "Yes, great-grandmother. But... listen, great-
grandmother, Airen's mother was kidnapped by his demon half-
sister... Shukumaru... yes, we're going to rescue her...
tomorrow... protect the others? But, why... very well,
great-grandmother. I will. Good-bye, great-grandmother."
{Actually, it's clear that she's speaking Chinese here, from her
phrasing, so you don't have to say so... and it might be refreshing if
you didn't.}
"What would that be, Akane-san?" Ryoga asked from the
other end of the attic. The connecting rope between himself
and Akane was stretched to its utmost length. It was most
embarrassing, especially since most passerbys had chosen to
gape at the both of them - his fist clenched involuntarily
at the memory of that bokken-wielding weirdo who had tried
to accost Akane - even though Kasumi had somehow evade
censure. Still, he understood the reasons.
{I don't understand why it's significant that Kasumi evaded censure.
Censure by whom? She wasn't holding the, er, leash...}
everything up here until he could recover. He never did
though, not really, so all of mother's treasures stayed up
did, though,
in the attic."
Akane paused as Kasumi raised the cloth-covered family
blade. A faint tug at the strings untied the knot, and they
unraveled to fall on the floor. She drew aside the covering
cloth to reveal an ancient hilt, black with age and
lacquer, yet strong and firm, and demanding to be held once
more.
"Hidden away, but not forgotten," murmured Kasumi as she
touched the hilt. "Unseen, and yet still cherished." Her
fingers seemed to withdraw reluctantly. "It is yours, Akane-
chan," she said formally. "May you use it well."
{And she will, too. It's clear that Akane's training included weapons;
she's demonstrated proficiency in kyudo and kendo, and I expect she's
also practised kenjutsu. Given the weapons Soun waves around, I wouldn't
be surprised if she has trained with yari and naginata, too.}
Akane bowed her head in gratitude. "Thank you, onee-san."
{In the manga, Akane usually addresses Kasumi {and Nabiki, for that
matter) as "onee-chan"; it may be that she's being more formal on this
occasion, but if so, I think Kasumi would be too.}
Ranma glared at his unrepentant father before slumping
down in a chair. "Look, Pops. Why did you train me in the
Neko-ken anyway?"
"Eh? What does that have to do... ah, your power, it
really did appear then. That's great, son!" he
{The wording here is confusing; rules are relaxed a bit for quotes, of
course, but no comma implies that "then" means "at that time", which
seems to mean "at the time of the Neko-ken training", but that doesn't
make much sense; "at the time of the battle with Shukumaru" makes more,
but is still an odd thing to say. If "then" means "as a consequence", it
should be "it really did appear, then." Up to you... perhaps Genma's
just expressing himself poorly. :) }
congratulated Ranma. "Or maybe not," Genma added as Ranma
favoured him with another glare. "So, what's the problem
with it?"
He remembered it so vividly: the sudden and savage lust
for control, the raw desire to possess everything and
everyone - to make them all his own. The sensations had
been powerful, unslakeable, disturbing... and yet, oddly
desirable. He shook his head and took a deep breath.
{Suggest, rather than "desirable", "seductive" or "compelling".}
"You can't run away from your power, boy. Surrendering
such an advantage in the face of an enemy is foolish. Take
it, use it, and only then consider the consequences. That's
the core of the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu, after all," Genma
said sagely.
{It is, isn't it? Perhaps best shown in the Kumon Ryu story.}
Ranma hid a sigh. Expecting good advice from Pops? What on
earth had he been thinking?
{Well, Genma was wise enough to "seal away" the Umi-sen-ken and
Yama-sen-ken after seeing their consequences... it worked out all right
for HIM, after all.}
The planning session wasn't going well. Ranma was still at
the hospital while Ryoga was helping Kasumi in the kitchen,
so it was left to the four girls and Nabiki to work out a
decent attack plan.
{Can you imagine those five playing a nice, friendly game of "Risk"? :) }
The tension in the air could probably be cut with a knife,
Nabiki thought as she entered the room. The frosty glances
that each 'fiancee' flung about made the room seem as cold
as a refrigeration unit.
{I don't like this either. How about "cold as a meat locker"? "cold as a
penguin's toes?" "cold as a demon's heart"? Excuse me, I gotta go put on
a sweater... :) }
Ranma's ticket will be my contribution, I guess. Ryoga's
though..." She left the thought hanging.
Ryoga's, though..."
"Oh, it was pretty easy. I blackmailed Old Man Higurashi
up at the Higurashi Shrine," Nabiki answered casually.
{Now why does that name ring a bell... :) }
The sliding door opened to permit the graceful entrance of
Kasumi, who balanced a tray with one hand and unobtrusively
guided Ryoga with the other. They both made it to the table
which was hastily cleared to make room for the refreshments.
table, which
"So, what did I miss?" asked Ryoga.
Kodachi pointed him towards the unrolled map and he bent
over it eagerly. A moment later, he sat back with a shake
of his head and a frown on his face. He reached for a
cookie without comment, and bit into it decisively. A bout
of hearty munching eventuated, as each person eyed the
eventuated as {or maybe} followed as
disheartening picture before them, broken only by Ryoga's
question which hung in the air unanswered.
question, which {?}
{"WHERE ON EARTH IS THIS PLACE?! AAARGH!" :) }
The cold cell provided little variation for a prisoner.
Stone walls on all four sides, along with a plain ceiling
and floor. Only the dim light-bulb overhead and the stout
{suggest} prisoner: stone {also} light bulb
wooden door facing Nodoka offered faint relief from total
boredom.
8<
The change was sudden. Between one moment and the next,
the solitary nature of the cell was broken. Shukumaru
calmly set the stool in her hands upon the floor, dusted
it, and sat down facing Nodoka. She hadn't even seen the
door open or close. She blinked, and a filled wineglass
appeared in the hand of her 'hostess'.
{heh. For a silly moment I had this image of Nodoka as a genie. :) }
Ansou's daughter, her mind acknowledged even as she failed
to react overtly to the soundless intimidation. She seemed
nothing like her father. Human in shape and looks, but her
eyes revealed the truth. Bright with fire and zeal, and
yet, so cold and soulless - empty of anything resembling
kindness or warmth. Ansou had been more human. She
desperately wanted to believe that, but a tiny voice
whispered that perhaps he had just hidden his nature better.
{It's a bit surprising to me that Nodoka doesn't reflect on the question
of Shukumaru's mother, and HER relationship to Ansou... but I guess that
can wait.}
Nodoka banished the thought as worthless and raised her
chin in silent defiance. Her captor would learn nothing of
use from her, no matter the personal cost. Then, her
determination proved irrelevant.
Then her
"So, my brother loves that hot-tempered girl, does he?"
Shukumaru asked nonchalantly.
{heh. It's SO obvious to everyone except Akane and Ranma. :) }
Nodoka couldn't prevent a start of surprise and she hid an
inward groan as Shukumaru's smile widened. She would not
speak to confirm it though: that much honour she had left.
it, though;
The fire in her voice reached her eyes, making them
glitter like cold ice.
{Mixed metaphor, but I can live with it...}
Shukumaru licked at the blood dripping from the shallow
cuts in her palm. "Hot, cold, dry or tasteless - I will
have my revenge! That bitch of my brother's will journey to
my sanctum, and I shall ensure that she dies before his
very eyes!"
{Famous last words... well, maybe not yet, but they will be. :) }
Her laughter echoed in the small room, and Nodoka Saotome
closed her eyes in despair.
{Apprehension, certainly, but I don't think Nodoka's the despairing
type. She has amazing endurance and strength of will under that
slightly-dotty facade.}
I have no large-scale issues; it's coming along nicely.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.