Vincent Seifert wrote:

Draft version.

Hmm, does that mean it's available in bottles too?  :)

Heh. Get ya 1-litre Awakenings right here! 200 proof!

C&C is most welcome.

Your wish is my command... or something like that.

Hehe. Always had fun with wishes in my old D&D games. :)

<Insert Usual Disclaimer>

All comments strictly my opinion, and offered in good spirit.

 Hope blossomed in her heart. Ranma's
question... did that mean he was ready to open up to her,
to act as if they were a couple in more than just name?

"I don't want to talk about it," he said, as they alighted
upon the roof of the Saotome family home.

She wanted to kill him.

{heh. Precisely IC for both of them at this point. Just about as often
as Ranma does something Akane takes the wrong way, she seizes on
something he does as a sign that maybe he likes her too... and is
usually promptly disappointed. Strangle him a good one, Akane. :) }

Yup, having just read the end of the Nabiki as a fiancee story, I have to say
that that is one of the few instances where Ranma ends up doing something
nice (even though Akane has to prompt him) rather than putting his foot in
his mouth. Come to think of it, the Battle-Dougi story ended up similarly as
well.

Ranma-Akane missteps are fun to write and read, albeit in small doses. :)

Of course, Ranma's relentless pacing around the room like
a caged tiger

{Not a simile that's usually applied to Ranma, but in the context of
this fic it's very evocative.}

I had fun tossing in a few similes in this chapter, as well as several
references to past fics which I've enjoyed or vividly remember. *Warning*,
*Warning*, your author is attempting to be clever! :)

"Heh, t...take a lot more than a couple of demons to put
your old man down, boy." Genma shifted in the bed
uncomfortably before meeting Ranma's eyes. "I'm sorry, son.
I couldn't stop them from taking your mother. Guess I'm not
good for much other than being a panda."

{I can live with this, but I'd have expected something a bit more like
"I fought bravely, but there were too many of them" from Genma.
Bombast's more his style than self-pity, I think.}

I did consider it, but I figured this hits pretty close to home for Genma. In
a way, it's not really self-pity showing, but a naked awareness that he's,
well, past it - almost useless. Kinda harsh... isn't it?

took shape before Nabiki's eyes. This was the first time
she'd had a complete story told from Ranma's point of view.

{Well, sure.  Usually no one lets him finish.  :) }

Yup.

"I think that Raiha was one of Ansou's primary servitors.
The Thunderbeast, if I remember right. If Shukumaru called
out his name and used what could only have been his power,
then she's bound him as her servitor. That means that your
next duel with her at the 'Shrine of Thunder' is going to
be a bigger trap than you think." Genma paused to examine
the problem. "You'll be going against her in her home
territory, and with a good likelihood that this servitor
beast will also show up. You'd best prepare yourself well,
boy."

{"Saotome Secret Technique-- FARADAY CAGE!!"  :) }

Hehe! Actually, the image of Ranma completely bundled up in protective
clothing to the point where he can't move at all does spring to mind.

He turned to look around the room, acknowledging Nabiki
and Soun with a brief glance. "Where's everyone else?"

"Preparing," Ranma answered grimly.

{"Akane said she'd send you some special meals to help you get better."
:) }

"Urk! Quick, Ranma, help me out the fire escape! You know the way to this
Shrine of Thunder, don't you?"

from the hospital. Genma had been badly injured, her
beloved Ranchan had turned out to be a half-demon, and Mrs.
Saotome had been kidnapped. Shouldn't she be feeling
something other than numb acceptance? No, there would be
time to reflect on all of this later. "Konatsu, I need you
to go to my home town in Kansai."

{If I knew what her home town was, I'd suggest you phrase it as "to
[name], my home town", but I don't. Perhaps someone else does?}

Hmm, I didn't know the name either so I simply took the easy way out. :)

"That foul demon Saotome has lured you into another of his
fiendish schemes, has he not?" Tatewaki tried to sound
sternly disapproving.

{Right, deny THAT one, Kodachi.  :) }

This line has been one of a number that I've been dying to use ever since I
started writing this. :)

Oh, brother, Kodachi thought, if only you knew.... Her
darling Ranma-sama was half a demon. What did that little
truth mean for Kodachi Kuno? As the Devil Hunter of the
Kuno Clan, her course was clear: all demons had to fall
before her and so, Ranma-sama should perish as well.

{suggest} her, and so Ranma-sama must perish

{Well, she could just adopt a slightly different interpretation of
"fall"; I'm sure she is perfectly capable of tripping him and beating
him to the floor. :) Seriously, we all know this is going to be a large
and entertaining dilemma.}

As an elegant and serious comparison for you to entertain, I offer you --
Buffy! Then again, let's not.

 As
Kodachi, the beautiful high school student aged eighteen,
Ranma-sama... Ranma-sama was her heart, her soul, her
reason for life - well, him and Ryoga-sama as well, of
course. What course should she follow? What path should she
choose?

{"I must have them both!" :) Tatewaki is going to get a real shock when
he eventually hears her say that. Maybe it'll do the trick.}

"Ah, dear sister, you are now truly worthy of the Kuno name. How it pleases
my heart to hear you speak those words." :)

Her brother flinched as her words struck true. Tatewaki
recovered and turned away, his back stiff with inflicted
offense. "Very well, sister. Do as you please. I merely
came to inform you that Sasuke has prepared our afternoon
repast in the Teak Room. Join us there if you will."

{argh. Sasuke? He's not in the manga, as Gary pointed out. If you must
use him, I suggest using him for comic relief. His reaction to Konatsu,
for example, might be amusing... especially since Konatsu can wipe the
floor with him without breaking a sweat.}

I know, I know. I've yanked him and replaced him with some servants.

Yes, indeed, a worthy plan that her great-grandmother
would certainly respect, and her unapproved usage of the
artifacts would pass without censure. Besides, why else had
her great-grandmother brought them here if not for use?

{And once again Shampoo goes off at half-cock.  Very typical.}

Yup. The Shampoo scene was fun and fast to write; cliched, really, but still
amusing, I trust.

She switched to Chinese and started explaining the night's
events.

"Yes, great-grandmother. I'm fine.... Yes, Umibouzu
appeared... the memorized speech worked really well. Learn
the other 15 by heart as well?"

{hehehe!}

One of the humourous omakes that I've been planning to write to fill in some
of the blanks, but will probably never get to it until much later.

 Shampoo's voice trailed off
dejectedly. "Yes, great-grandmother. But... listen, great-
grandmother, Airen's mother was kidnapped by his demon half-
sister... Shukumaru... yes, we're going to rescue her...
tomorrow... protect the others? But, why... very well,
great-grandmother. I will. Good-bye, great-grandmother."

{Actually, it's clear that she's speaking Chinese here, from her
phrasing, so you don't have to say so... and it might be refreshing if
you didn't.}

Hmm, I see if I can phrase it a little more subtly.

"What would that be, Akane-san?" Ryoga asked from the
other end of the attic. The connecting rope between himself
and Akane was stretched to its utmost length. It was most
embarrassing, especially since most passerbys had chosen to
gape at the both of them - his fist clenched involuntarily
at the memory of that bokken-wielding weirdo who had tried
to accost Akane - even though Kasumi had somehow evade
censure. Still, he understood the reasons.

{I don't understand why it's significant that Kasumi evaded censure.
Censure by whom? She wasn't holding the, er, leash...}

Ah, but she was with them. That kinda thing tends to carry over, usually.

"Hidden away, but not forgotten," murmured Kasumi as she
touched the hilt. "Unseen, and yet still cherished." Her
fingers seemed to withdraw reluctantly. "It is yours, Akane-
chan," she said formally. "May you use it well."

{And she will, too. It's clear that Akane's training included weapons;
she's demonstrated proficiency in kyudo and kendo, and I expect she's
also practised kenjutsu. Given the weapons Soun waves around, I wouldn't
be surprised if she has trained with yari and naginata, too.}

Actually, this clears up a point of confusion for me - exactly how much
weapons training Akane has had. Thanks.

Akane bowed her head in gratitude. "Thank you, onee-san."

{In the manga, Akane usually addresses Kasumi {and Nabiki, for that
matter) as "onee-chan"; it may be that she's being more formal on this
occasion, but if so, I think Kasumi would be too.}

You're quite right. I'll change Kasumi's wording since I meant it as a formal
occasion, and as an instance where Kasumi passes over some of her own
inheritance. I think I'll try to inject more loss into the scene as well.

Ranma glared at his unrepentant father before slumping
down in a chair. "Look, Pops. Why did you train me in the
Neko-ken anyway?"

"Eh? What does that have to do... ah, your power, it
really did appear then. That's great, son!" he

{The wording here is confusing; rules are relaxed a bit for quotes, of
course, but no comma implies that "then" means "at that time", which
seems to mean "at the time of the Neko-ken training", but that doesn't
make much sense; "at the time of the battle with Shukumaru" makes more,
but is still an odd thing to say. If "then" means "as a consequence", it
should be "it really did appear, then." Up to you... perhaps Genma's
just expressing himself poorly. :) }

Heh, I meant 'as a consequence', but it's my poor expression rather than
Genma's that's at fault. Actually, formal comma rules are mostly beyond me. I
tend to slot them in where I think they fit and look correct. :)

congratulated Ranma. "Or maybe not," Genma added as Ranma
favoured him with another glare. "So, what's the problem
with it?"

He remembered it so vividly: the sudden and savage lust
for control, the raw desire to possess everything and
everyone - to make them all his own. The sensations had
been powerful, unslakeable, disturbing... and yet, oddly
desirable. He shook his head and took a deep breath.

{Suggest, rather than "desirable", "seductive" or "compelling".}

Yes, much better alternatives.

"You can't run away from your power, boy. Surrendering
such an advantage in the face of an enemy is foolish. Take
it, use it, and only then consider the consequences. That's
the core of the Musabetsu Kakuto Ryu, after all," Genma
said sagely.

{It is, isn't it?  Perhaps best shown in the Kumon Ryu story.}

Indeed. Makes me wonder just why the School has survived all these years -
though, of course, it does seemingly produce very capable martial artists who
can pass on the art before wasting away (that is, indulging themselves to the
grave :).

Ranma hid a sigh. Expecting good advice from Pops? What on
earth had he been thinking?

{Well, Genma was wise enough to "seal away" the Umi-sen-ken and
Yama-sen-ken after seeing their consequences... it worked out all right
for HIM, after all.}

Nods, Genma is capable of cunning and correct actions, but he is notoriously
poor at providing useful advice at the right time.

The planning session wasn't going well. Ranma was still at
the hospital while Ryoga was helping Kasumi in the kitchen,
so it was left to the four girls and Nabiki to work out a
decent attack plan.

{Can you imagine those five playing a nice, friendly game of "Risk"? :) }

Since I have the boardgame, this really does present a very amusing picture
to me. :)

The tension in the air could probably be cut with a knife,
Nabiki thought as she entered the room. The frosty glances
that each 'fiancee' flung about made the room seem as cold
as a refrigeration unit.

{I don't like this either. How about "cold as a meat locker"? "cold as a
penguin's toes?" "cold as a demon's heart"? Excuse me, I gotta go put on
a sweater... :) }

Yup, I'll change it.

Ranma's ticket will be my contribution, I guess. Ryoga's
though..." She left the thought hanging.

Ryoga's, though..."

"Oh, it was pretty easy. I blackmailed Old Man Higurashi
up at the Higurashi Shrine," Nabiki answered casually.

{Now why does that name ring a bell... :) }

Hehe, it should. I have to admit I enjoy slipping in these references, even
though it slows down the writing.

disheartening picture before them, broken only by Ryoga's
question which hung in the air unanswered.

question, which {?}

{"WHERE ON EARTH IS THIS PLACE?!  AAARGH!" :) }

Heh. Well, he can't draw maps and tends to read most maps upside down, so...
:)

The change was sudden. Between one moment and the next,
the solitary nature of the cell was broken. Shukumaru
calmly set the stool in her hands upon the floor, dusted
it, and sat down facing Nodoka. She hadn't even seen the
door open or close. She blinked, and a filled wineglass
appeared in the hand of her 'hostess'.

{heh.  For a silly moment I had this image of Nodoka as a genie. :) }

Heh. The thought of Shukumaru with 3 wishes is downright scary.

I've had this idea to write an Arabian Nights fic where Ranma is a Prince of
the Djinn and Akane is the Efreet Sultan's Daughter. :)

Ansou's daughter, her mind acknowledged even as she failed
to react overtly to the soundless intimidation. She seemed
nothing like her father. Human in shape and looks, but her
eyes revealed the truth. Bright with fire and zeal, and
yet, so cold and soulless - empty of anything resembling
kindness or warmth. Ansou had been more human. She
desperately wanted to believe that, but a tiny voice
whispered that perhaps he had just hidden his nature better.

{It's a bit surprising to me that Nodoka doesn't reflect on the question
of Shukumaru's mother, and HER relationship to Ansou... but I guess that
can wait.}

Ah, well. Actually, Ansou never told Nodoka anything about his wife. That he
might have chosen to cavalierly dispose of her permanently in the demon
fashion wouldn't occur to Nodoka. (Of course, I'm not saying he did either,
though that would have been the intelligent thing to do.)

Realistically speaking, I haven't given this much thought since it doesn't
really play an important role in any present event. Note that Takahashi-sama
has yet to include anything at all about Sesshoumaru's mother in IY. :)

"So, my brother loves that hot-tempered girl, does he?"
Shukumaru asked nonchalantly.

{heh.  It's SO obvious to everyone except Akane and Ranma. :) }

Of course. :)

Shukumaru licked at the blood dripping from the shallow
cuts in her palm. "Hot, cold, dry or tasteless - I will
have my revenge! That bitch of my brother's will journey to
my sanctum, and I shall ensure that she dies before his
very eyes!"

{Famous last words... well, maybe not yet, but they will be.  :) }

I always give them enough rope...

Her laughter echoed in the small room, and Nodoka Saotome
closed her eyes in despair.

{Apprehension, certainly, but I don't think Nodoka's the despairing
type. She has amazing endurance and strength of will under that
slightly-dotty facade.}

Nods, I didn't like it myself, but I thought I'd see what people say. I'll
change it.

I have no large-scale issues; it's coming along nicely.

Thanks.

Thanks for writing and sharing!

Thank you for commenting. Once again, a wonderful series of comments and
corrections for which I'm very grateful. Hopefully, Chapter 5 will be out in
a week or so (fingers crossed).

Phil.

Vince Seifert    Fanfic Analyst     seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.

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