Wow, you all are stunningly quick at replying. I certainly appreciate
it. :)
Gary Kleppe wrote:
Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
The night breeze whipped through Akane's hair as she
flew through the air.
Whoa, accidental rhyme. You might want to re-word.
Doh, didn't even see it on second read. :)
Ranma described confrontation with his demonic half-sister
Missing a 'the,' I think.
Yup, will correct.
The inside of the Ucchan was astonishingly spotless
despite her neglect in the evening. Of course, with her
resident kunoichi in place, she shouldn't have been
surprised, but then Konatsu was easily... distracted. Even
as the thought of the kunoichi crossed her mind, Konatsu
appeared with a broom in hand.
Avoiding gender-specific pronouns for Konatsu, I see....
"Very well, Ukyo-sama." Konatsu accepted the folded note
and carefully placed it within his kimono. "I'll return as
^^^
... but not completely. ^_^
Heh. I did try, but this slipped in somehow. :)
Well, it would be of no use to speak to her brother of
this pretty dilemma. "Of course not, dear brother. Have the
pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo rejected your advances yet
again that you prove so suspicious of my actions?"
Her brother flinched as her words struck true. Tatewaki
recovered and turned away, his back stiff with inflicted
offense. "Very well, sister. Do as you please. I merely
came to inform you that Sasuke has prepared our afternoon
repast in the Teak Room. Join us there if you will."
Kodachi sighed internally. Why was it that she could only
speak to Tachi through subtle insult? "Certainly, brother.
I will join you shortly."
I liked the character development and interactions in this scene. But...
Sasuke? Isn't this fic manga-based?
It is - I'll substitute 'the servants have' for 'Sasuke has' :)
Shampoo replaced the handset as Cologne's voice cut off.
Frowning, she retraced her steps towards the pile of
magical artifacts. She picked up the next one, contemplated
it for a while, then placed it into the stack of useless
discards. Dragon fang? No. Magical gourd? No. The Eye of
the Matriarchs? No. Ancestor's Stone? *shudder* No. Ah,
prayer bead necklaces. Now, they would be useful.
Suggest emphasis: Now, *they* would be useful.
Good idea.
"What would that be, Akane-san?" Ryoga asked from the
other end of the attic. The connecting rope between himself
and Akane was stretched to its utmost length. It was most
embarrassing, especially since most passerbys had chosen to
gape at the both of them - his fist clenched involuntarily
at the memory of that bokken-wielding weirdo who had tried
to accost Akane - even though Kasumi had somehow evade
evaded
Will change.
The tension in the air could probably be cut with a knife,
Nabiki thought as she entered the room. The frosty glances
that each 'fiancee' flung about made the room seem as cold
as a refrigeration unit. Well, better than having them
Suggest simply 'as a refrigerator.' ("refrigeration unit" sounds like
one of those expressions like "emergency situation" or "rain event" that
George Carlin is always complaining about. ^_^)
Blame it on reading too much David Weber. :)
The sliding door opened to permit the graceful entrance of
Kasumi, who balanced a tray with one hand and unobtrusively
guided Ryoga with the other.
Geez, Ryoga's not THAT bad. A little (repeated) pointing in the right
direction and he can usually get around the house, at least.
At least Kasumi doesn't put him on a leash like I have the other two Tendo
sisters' doing. :)
The cold cell provided little variation for a prisoner.
Stone walls on all four sides, along with a plain ceiling
and floor. Only the dim light-bulb overhead and the stout
wooden door facing Nodoka offered faint relief from total
boredom. She sat on the hard surface, shivering slightly as
the heat slowly leached from her body. She did not complain
- for there was no one to receive such a complaint - nor
was she inclined to make such anyway, since the ten years
of emptiness in her life had inured her to such deprivation.
Punctuation on this seems a little off. Suggest:
She did not complain, for there was no one to receive such a complaint,
nor was she inclined to make such anyway; the ten years of emptiness in
her life had inured her to such deprivation.
Yes, this is a definite improvement. Many thanks!
Genma - would she ever be able to think of her husband's
name without recollecting the crack of broken bone or the
spray of bright blood? He had seemed so still after. Was he
Suggest 'afterwards' rather than 'after.'
Nods.
Nodoka couldn't prevent a start of surprise and she hid an
inward groan as Shukumaru's smile widened. She would not
speak to confirm it though: that much honour she had left.
I like the treatment of Nodoka here.
Nodoka turned out to be a much more interesting character to write than I
thought. The Shukumaru-Nodoka scene was the first thing I completed after
Chapter 3 and it stayed pretty much unaltered through the long month of
inspiration, scenic changes, blocks, and even several 'Heh, where did *that*
come from?!" instances. :)
Looking good as always. Hope to see the next one as soon as time allows.
Glad you enjoyed it, Gary. Again, many thanks for the great comments and
speedy reply (gotta learn how to do that :). I'll catch you on FFIRC on
Sunday, and hopefully, have the next chapter ready to go.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html
--
.---Anime/Manga Fanfiction Mailing List---.
| Administrators - ffml-admins@fanfic.com |
| Unsubscribing - ffml-request@fanfic.com |
| Put 'unsubscribe' in the subject |
`---http://www.fanfic.com/FFML-FAQ.txt ---'