Bear in mind that I haven't read the previous parts of this, though I
did read the summary of them at the end. Still, I might be missing
things that I ought to know.
"Miller, Bert" <bert.miller@unisys.com> wrote:
"I still think it sucks, working on the Emperor's Birthday,"
Ranma commented, as he fired a Mouko Takabisha while upside
down, at the top of the arc of his somersaulting leap.
"It's not a holiday here in Singapore, Ranma-sama," replied
Kodachi as she danced across the heads of the lumbering,
misshapen monsters.
Some more description would help this scene, I think. I'm not really
picturing the surroundings, and only have a vague idea what the monsters
look like.
"I can, Ranma-sama, and your plan is sound, except that Ukyou-san
needs to stay down with you. You may need the extra distraction,
and she, unlike myself, is fast enough to stay out of the
monsters' clutches."
Ukyo is faster than Kodachi? Doesn't seem right to me, unless it's
because of something that happened in an earlier chapter. Kodachi's a
gymnast, while Ukyo's focused mainly on weapons training.
Ranma snorts. >She didn't have much chance. They kept us
snorted (past tense)
Ranma snorts, weakly, but thinks nothing.
snorted... thought
Ukyou giggles. >Exactly. A wild one, too.<
giggled
Eventually all the monsters have been dropped into the harbor,
where they conveniently dissolve. The next day, the three
are flying home, carrying the legendary Buddha's Teacups, on
indefinite loan to the National Museum of Japan.
Whole paragraph is in the wrong tense.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Oh, Ranma, it's horrible!" bawled Akane, throwing herself at
Ranma is a tight hug and crying on his shoulder.
in a
"Welcome home, Ranma, Ukyou," said Kasumi smilingly. "Akane
Is 'smilingly' a real word? Suggest 'said Kasumi, smling.'
is upset about your school friends."
Ranma held Akane tight as she continued crying. Nabiki explained,
"seems Hiroshi and Sayuri have been experimenting a bit much.
"Seems (caps)
On Christmas Day, Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, Daisuke, and Yuka stood by
the hospital bedsides, watching Hiroshi and Sayuri undergo drug
detoxification. Ranma had an arm around Akane.
Again, some more description would help us picture this. What did the
detox look like?
Yuka blushed, then muttered, "addictive candy panties. Guys
"Addictive (caps)
Behind the four teenagers, two aged eyes peaked out from behind
peeked
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A luxury penthouse apartment near Mitsutomo's offices.
A sentence needing a verb.
Nabiki and
Jason are sitting together on a sofa.
were sitting together, or sat together
Jason's fingers slid over Nabiki's back and sides, stroking her
exactly where she liked it. She felt his warm breath on the back
of her neck. Jason nibbled her ear, causing her to shiver.
"It would be really interesting to see such a thing. Think you
could arrange it?" Jason whispered.
Jason's being awful obvious about this. Considering that this is Nabby,
not someone gullible like Ryoga, it's hard to understand why she doesn't
see through it. Maybe showing her feelings from her own POV and going
into some detail on how this guy makes her feel would help. She's
obviously taken with the guy, but we don't really get to see WHY. Maybe
it was shown in previous parts, but it's not at all clear from this what
the attraction is and why she doesn't just see through his act.
"Mmmmmm...." Happosai wrapped both arms around himself clockwise.
"MMMMMM...." Happosai re-wrapped his arms around himself counter-
clockwise.
"MMMMMMMMM!" Happosai lept into the air and floated gently down,
horizontally, radiating sheer bliss.
As he landed, "More! More!" he pleaded, on his knees.
I think it'd be interesting to go deeper into Happosai's thoughts and
feelings here -- to show from his own viewpoint how the drug is
affecting him.
Nabiki found herself standing naked next to a large lake,
at night. A half moon lit the lake and the steep, forested
mountains surrounding it. A chill breeze blew through her
hair and across her skin, raising goosebumps.
Somewhere a wolf howled, but the sound did not frighten
her. Something within her felt like responding with a
howl of her own. She smiled, showing teeth.
Something large surfaced in the lake, moonlight glinting
off the rivulets which flowed over the reptilian skin.
A pair of eyes, each larger than her head, gazed at
her, assessingly.
I like this scene... a good counterpoint to the talkiness of the rest of
the fic, and expresses Nabiki's character development well.
Nabiki smiled as she raised the knife,
only to awaken suddenly, in bed at home, drenched in sweat.
The formatting here is a bit odd. I know it's meant to show Nabs waking
up from the dream, but you might want to throw in ellipses or something
so it doesn't look so much like an error.
As Shampoo raised her bracelet and its gleaming jewel to her eyes,
Cologne continued. "Go upstairs and lie down, child. Close your
eyes and think about your fellow wives, specifically Ukyou.
Instead of speaking to her with your mind, just listen to her
thoughts. Let your thoughts flow with hers, until you can
perceive her feelings, and the fleeting images which pass through
her mind when words and ideas occur to her. Then suggest to her
the dichotomy "honne" and "tatemae", real feelings and official
Use single quote marks for quotes within quotes: 'honne'
"Lil Cologne," Happosai smiled, stopped eating. He looked down
at what he held and shuddered. A cocky smile started to cross his
face, but another shudder took him. Sweat started to pour off his
body. A fit of shivers took him.
Try to be less repetitious with the wording. Two shudders and two "took
him"s here.
"MOUKO TAKABISHA REVISED: TWIN ICE TIGER STORM!"
Two icy balls of solid air shot from Ranma's hands. Happosai's
dragon swirls, attracted by Ranma's ki, followed. Each pair of
attacks collided with the whirlwind on opposite sides of Happosai.
Twin mid-air explosions dispersed the whirlwind. Happosai began
to fall. Ranma was waiting when Happosai landed.
Interesting variations on the standard Ranma techniques in this scene.
"Well done, Son-In-Law," approved Cologne, suddenly standing next
to Ranma. "At least two special attacks invented on the spur of
the moment, as well as mixing up the ones you already knew so
Happi couldn't predict your next move."
"I can handle Happi's detoxification from here," she continued
Grammatical nitpick: If the same speaker continues through two
successive paragraphs, don't use an end quote mark at the end of the
first, but do keep the opening quote mark in the second.
Nabiki found herself swinging her hips enticingly as she
strode through a crowded Ginza street, clad in provocative
black leather. A collar, studded with sharp points, adorned
her neck. She preened in the glory of the leash leading to
to the hand of her handsome lover, who strode along ahead of
her, smoking a cigar and smiling cruelly.
Abruptly she found herself, kimono-clad, pointing a finger at
Kunou-chan, clad in his usual ridiculous samurai attire. Fire
shot from her finger and devoured him. She smiled in delight,
then turned to see Kodachi, also in a kimono, cowering in fear
and despair.
Rising into the sky, her clothes disappeared. Nabiki flew
through the sky, feeling the wind caress her bare skin,
reveling in her newfound freedom. She flapped her wings,
gazing below her at the foolish humans who dared think her
kind extinct.
Again, very nicely done, expressive scene.
I called up a couple of people I knew, high-school classmates, to
get the guy's address. Hopped a cab to get there. Almost tipped
the driver, then remembered I wasn't in an American movie.
Felt silly.
Heh.
"Please..." Gosunkugi moaned. "All right, yes; I did. I've got
the money here in my pocket. Where and when do I pick up the next
one?" I could almost feel the poor guy figit; must have it real
fidgit, I think.
I saw her leap down to the street from a ten-story roof
and stroll over. One of the infamous Officeladies, bane
of the professional police. In this case, however, one to
whom I owed the real credit for a few of my hardest cases.
Who's narrating here?
That night, Kodachi, in her astral body, stuck her head down
through the ceiling of Ranma and Akane's bedroom. She
watched the two of them sleeping there for a long time, without
moving. Nonmaterial teardrops formed and flowed down her
cheeks. (Ranma-sama looks so happy lying there with Akane,
happier even than when he's with Ukyou or Shampoo. I might
force my way into his harem or seduce him in a moment of
weakness; I know I could. But would he ever be this happy with
me? No, he would not; I know that now.)
This is a lotta good character development. You may want to stretch this
out a little, maybe into two or three paragraphs. Also, maybe this is
just a personal preference, but I'd suggest trying to cut down on the
explicit quoting of thoughts in the first person. A lot of these can be
worked into the third person narrative, and IMO it usually flows more
snoothly that way.
The plot is interesting; it seems quite well thought through, with a
fair number of twists and turns. The level of descriptive detail could
stand to be higher -- with the dream sequences as notable exceptions,
the whole thing seems a little too talky.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html