Anime Apocalypse!
Day Two
Announcer: Last time on "Anime Apocalyspe!" we discovered that...
(Organ music. The camera focuses on Mokona. He waves to the camera.)
Announcer: Mokona is really Kami-sama.
(More organ music. The scene switched to Hell, where Lucifer, Bellizbub,
Mara, and a slightly bigsweating Keiichi is looking at Pikachu.)
Announcer: And Pokemon is evil. (Pikachu walks off the screen...)
Pikachu: Pika! (There's the sound of electrical currents. The announcer
screams. The sound of the announcer's lifeless body hitting the floor is
made. Pikachu returns.) Pika!
Keiichi (whispering to Mara): Do you mind if I get on out of here?
Mara (sighs a bit, whispering): Oh, fine. But, let me go with you.
Lucifer: And me!
Bellizbub: And me too! I ain't gonna have an animal leading us into
battle!
Pikachu (in a very high, squeak voice...sorta like Mickey Mouse on
crack): You will stay here or else I will turn you into electrical
currents of energy! (Pika looks angry as he cutely points a fist towards
heaven.) Here I am, trying to be very cute and evil, and Kami-sama gets
all the credit and all the babes! I get the rest. But now I'm having my
revenge! Ha HA! Ha HA!
Mara (moving ever so slightly towards Keiichi): Sure, sir. Whatever you
say. But why are you here? Shouldn't you be with your master?
Pikachu: No...I have left him and his human friends to their fate! (He
laughs, snorts, etc.)
(We cut to a guitar playing. Cue the intro music to the "Duke of
Hazzards." We see Ash and Misty ridding in the General Lee and jumping
over two clueless police officers, who just happen to be Jessie and
James. Naturally, Ash honks the horn and jumps over Team Rocket duo. The
car makes a funny whooshing sound.)
Ash & Misty: Yeeaaahaaaa! (They jerk around a bit as the car lands. Ash
spins the car around.)
Misty (leaning towards the front of the car): You did great Kitt! (The
camera moves and we do see that it is the insides of Knight Rider 2000.)
Kitt's voice: Fine, but why am I here? And this car has an ugly orange
color.
Ash: Hey, at least you are being used!
Misty: And you do have cool weapons. Fire your particle disintergrator.
(A green ball forms on the hood of the Lee and it fired a greenish-blue
electrical pattern onto the police car. It disintegrates, along with
Jessie and James' clothing. They try to cover themselves with their
hands and arms, blushing as they do so. Everyone else in the town stop
what they're doing, gawk, and laugh unmercifully at the two naked
siblings.)
Jessie: This is so humilating...
James: Are you kidding? At least you're the good looking one!
Jessie: Hey, this is no time for getting into incest! (James blushes
even harder.)
(Inside the car Ash and Misty are laughing very hard.)
Kitt: You two have a mean streak.
Ash: After all they done to us, they deserve it!
Misty: Yeah, their lines made Sailor Moon's scripts seem like
Shakespeare wrote them.
Ash: Ah, yes. Come on, Misty, Kitt! Let's see if Brock's got lunch
ready! (They drive past the naked siblings, splashing muddy puddled
water on them. Both of them spit some water out.)
Jessie: That does...we're gonna kill them the first chance we get!
(James does his best Roscoe "guh, guh, guh" impersonation. Jessie
promptly smacks him, and thus the audience gets to see Jessie nude
body...)
(The cameras switch back to hell. Lucifer, Bellizelbub are chained up
while Pikachu finishes talking to Mara and Keiichi.)
Pikachu: ...and you see, my goal here is to get as much money and souls
as possible from every Pikachu game, card, manga, and stuff plushie toy
I get. And do you know why?
Keiichi: Because you're cute?
Pikachu: No, wishy-washy boy! It's not about the story, it's about
merchandising! I can sell everything! (Pikachu pulls a hidden pad and a
huge boulder opens to reveal a huge load of Pikachu merchandise. Pikachu
starts to toss various items around.) Pokemon the game! Pokemon the
pogs! Stuff Pokemons! Pokemon-Pikachu game boy! (he holds it right up to
Mara, she falls over.) See the lovely shade of yellow! Pokemon the
condom! Pokemon the electronic zapper! (Pikachu zaps Keiichi with it.
His hair sticks up and sparks flow throughout his body.) The kids love
that one. That's how I'll win against Kami-sama!
Mara: And you do you benefit from this...?
Pikachu: I get 25% out of each year's profit on Pokemon merchandise.
Last year in the United States alone, kids and idiotic otakus spent over
three billion dollars on Pokemon cards alone. Thus, these products sell
their souls, their parents souls, and the souls of millions of
stockholders to me! Isn't it great! I'm getting oodles and oodles of
souls and cash around the world from this Pokemon mania! I'm teaching
children the benefits of capitalism, greed, and simplying saying, "Pika!
Pikachu!"
Mara: I can understand the souls, but why the cash? (Pikachu jumps onto
Mara, holding the electronic zapper. She starts to big-sweat.)
Pikachu (angrily): You peon! Do you know how much I have to spend in
heating bills a month alone?! Do you think the flames of hell burn on
their own? And do you realize how long it takes to get a pilot light
going in here? (Mara shakes her head no.) Well, it cost me alot. And I
have to find the money somehow. (He look down at the floor.) Oh, well.
I've got other things to do. Anyway, Mara, escort Keiichi back up to
heaven, and to tell them we got Kami-sama's message. (Mara and Keiichi
quickly run out from hell.) I've got some things to do. (Pikachu hops up
and down in a very gleeful manner.)
(We cut to the Tendou residents in Nermia district of Tokyo, while
Keiichi and Mara were in hell. Kasumi's mopping up the place while
Ranma, Akane, and Nabiki are studying. Ranma looks very nervous as she
looks at her body and then back to her book.)
Ranma: Aw, man, why did I sign up for human sexuality course?
Nabiki: Ranma, if you and Akane are going to married...
Akane & Ranma: And we aren't!
Nabiki: ...then you two have got to learn how about your bodies. And
douching, and all that kind of good stuff.
Ranma: I haven't gotten to the chapter on gential cleaning! I'm studying
those sexual positions we hafta know for the test.
Kasumi (smiling, cheerfully): I love cleaning my gentials! (Nabiki,
Akane, and Ranma stare at Kasumi as she continues to mop the floor.)
Nabiki: Uh, huh. (to Akane & Ranma) We didn't here that, right.
Ranma (as Nabiki hands her a 2000 yen bill): Right. We didn't here that.
Akane (as Nabiki hands her a 5000 yen bill): Kasumi who? (Ding dong! The
doorbell rings.)
Kasumi (very cheerfully, jumping up and down): Oh, my! Guest! (She
rushes to the front door.)
Akane: Do you want to check on her medication, Nabiki?
Nabiki: Yeah, I guess I should. Do you know what's she taking?
Akane (shrugs): Damned if I do, but I'm sure it isn't legal.
(Kasumi enters with Skuld, and Mokona.)
Kasumi: Oh, my! What a cute bunny!
Mokona: Pu!
Skuld: Oh, Daddy...
Akane: Okay...what is it this time? (Skuld looks at Akane, and she
starts to cry. Akane blinks in confusion. Skuld bearhugs Akane.) You're
not going to kidnap me and Ranma and have to see each other naked in a
blue imprisonment ball? (Mokona shakes his head no.)
Skuld: Oh, my precious daughter! (Soun and Genma just enter...)
Soun (screaming): Daughter! (Demon-head mode) Why I have you know that
Akane is my daughter and not yours. (Skuld pulls out her personal mallet
of doom and whacks Soun with it. He falls over in a stupor.)
Mokona: Pu!
Nabiki: Well...
Akane: You're my mother?
Skuld: Yes, you were my daughter for many thousands of years, but I had
to give you up as part so I could help my older sister Belldandy get her
man.
Ranma: I see, and you are?
Skuld: Skuld. Goddess of the Future, Elven Queen, and official dancing
judge.
Genma (squinting a bit): Dancing Queen? Say, did I see you in ABBA?
(Skuld suddenly imagines herself on the dance floor in a seventies
dress...disco inferno...presently she drools.)
Skuld (groaning lustly): Oooh, how I loved ABBA.
Akane: I see...(eyes widen) Wait a minute, that means I, I'm a
demigoddess! (Skuld snaps out of it and smiles at Akane.)
Skuld: Er...no! Actually, you are a full goddess. Your real father was
Apollo, the Greek sun god. I gave you human qualities and put you inside
your human mother's uterus...
Ranma (looking through her human sexualities book): Ah, that thing that
looks like a vase with weird lookin' handles! (Akane grabs Ranma's human
sexuality book and whaps him with it.)
Akane: Ranma! You jerk!
Skuld: Anyway, my father, Kami-sama has selected you to be the first of
four ladies of the apocalypse. You are the one who rides in victorious
and has a crown on your head, with swords and stuff, conquering
everything in your path...
Akane: Swords and stuff...don't you mean that I'm the antichrist?!
Skuld: Um...yeah. Technically, in a purely interpretional mode, yes.
Akane (screaming): What do you mean I'm the antichrist?!?!?!
Skuld: Well, like I said, it's just a your human interpretations of the
bible and such...
Soun (crying): My daughter is the antichrist! (He starts to sob.)
Nabiki: Funny, I would have bet that Kasumi would have been the
antichrist.
Ranma: The antichrist? Why Kasumi?
Nabiki: Because Kasumi's the last person you'd ever expect. (Ranma nods
while Soun cries even harder.)
Akane: But why me?
Skuld: W-w-well you're desired by a lot of people. I mean you've been
kidnapped more times than any other girl in history. Every boy wants
you. Girl, you have a lot of leadership power.
Akane: Ha! (Ryouga just happens to come by and Akane notices him.) Hey,
Ryouga. Do you love me, love me so much that you'd kill yourself to
prove it?
Ryouga: Uh...me? Sure! (screaming) absolutely! Wait a minute...Ranma
it's all your fault!!!(He focuses his aura on himself and spontaneously
combusts; he turned the little koi pond into Lake Superior. Akane is
shocked.)
Akane: Dang! I didn't realize I had that much command over people. But
what about girls?
Skuld (big-sweating): Well, I'd say that despite what they'd tell you,
they really want to be you.
Akane: Well, then I don't wanna be the antichrist! I'd end up killing
everyone I know, starting with Ranma!
Nabiki: Sounds like a good place to start. (Ranma whaps Nabiki.)
Skuld: Well, you'll have a good purpose, too. I mean you are going to
get rid of bad guys and stuff like that. You will save a lot of souls.
I-i-it's just that you'll gonna have to break a few eggs to make an
omnlette, not that you'd know how to do that. (She smiles hesitantly.)
Kasumi (looks up and looks rather concerned): Souls? As in killing
demons that offer you things in return for your soul?
Skuld (blinks a bit): Um, yes Kasumi that is what demons want...
Kasumi: Oh, my. Then I'm sorry. I've sold souls.
Everyone else: What?!
Skuld: Huh? (Everyone peers at an embarassed Kasumi, who starts to
blush.)
Kasumi: I guess this isn't the time to explain why I sold Father's and
Mr. Saotome's souls for a lifetime supply of cleaning supplies... (Genma
falls over. Ranma, Akane, Skuld, and Nabiki face-fault. Mokona simply
smiles.)
Soun (crying): My daughter sold my sould for Amway products!
Kasumi (pouting): Well daddy, do you realize how much cleaning products
costs these days? And especially to find the stuff that takes care of
blood and guts stains Mr. Saotome and Ranma and their friends leave
behind for me to clean up!
(Soun cries even harder.)
Akane: Did you sell anyone else's soul?
Kasumi: Oh, no. The nice demon told me that you, Ranma, and Nabiki's
souls were worthless in Hell. (sighs) You'll all probably end up
wandering the earths as a bunch of lost souls until you set things
right... (Ranma and Nabiki stare at Kasumi with that wide-open mouth
look.)
Akane: Kami-sama, how can it possibly get worse...
(We switch over to Shinonome High School where Infurita, Kahlia, and
Makoto are sitting around, moping.)
Kahlia: Sheeze, some vacation...
Makoto: I couldn't believe you'd do such a thing, Infurita... (Infurita
shrugs.)
(Urd walks in.)
Urd: Pardon me, but I believe you are Infurita, yes?
Infurita: Yes, I am Infurita, humanoid robot and last of the clog
dancers. What is it that you desire? And no, you can't have Mokoto, he's
mine forever. (Bearhugs Mokoto. Screams) Forever, do you hear!
Urd: No, need. I've got a boyfriend of my own. Anyway...Kami-sama has
desired you to be one of four girls of the apocolyspe.
Infurita: Apocolypse? Is this some kind of wrestling group?
Mokoto: N-n-no it's a humanist belief that the world will go kaput
someday and these four horsemen, or women would ride out before hand
causing torment and torchure to those unluckly enough to be on Earth
during the last days. Or it's what Y2K is...I don't know...
Infurita: I see, and what would my role be in this melee?
Urd: You are death. (Kahlia looks at Infurita.)
Kahlia: That would explain all those people that died just from you
being there, Infurita. (Infurita glares back at Kahlia.)
Infurita( screaming): So, me and Nuku-Nuku got into a little
playfight...how was I suppose to know we'd kill all of the Dragonball
Zers out shooting a movie?
Kahlia: Yeah, but the writers, producers and lackeys too?
(Urd face-faults.)
(Meanwhile, back in Hazzard county...we see that Jessie and James are
both sitting down in the Hazzard county jail's newly remodeled office
area, thinking...yeah right...)
Jessie: Now how in the darn pickens are we going to capture Ash and Mis?
James: "Pickens?" "Mis?" Didn't you *learn* anything from Juliard?
(Jessie promptly smacks James.)
Jessie: We're in Dixie country!
James: Hmm...Dixie country? With those flags in an x shape with stars on
'em? Cotton fields?
Jessie: Yep. And do you know whyyyy we are here? (Jessie leans into
James.)
James: Because you want to "mmmbop" the Hanson singers? (Jessie looks
incredulously at James, and then beats him up using her fist.) (mumbles)
I guess my second guess of wanting to find out all about the boil weevil
is out...
Jessie: We're here to make sure that Ash and Misty never, ever lays a
hand on a Pokemon ever again!
James: And what good does that do? He never wins on his own and she
never will get her bike back. (Jessie sighs.)
Jessie: And you're always the dumb one...
James: So, why don't you have a plan to get Ash and Misty?
Jessie: I'm thinking! I'm thinking!
(Meowth comes in wearing a white suit like Boss Hogg and he's talking
rather like that black cat from Sabrina...)
Meowth: Well, heeellllooo my fellow law enforcement officers-ales. And
what are we doing here when that couple is out and about breakin' the
law?
Jessie: Well, Meowth...wait a minute...you sound rather...
(The two look at each other, stick their tongues out and looks up in
thought. Meowth glares at the siblings.)
Meowth: Sophisticated?
James (snapping his fingers): Yeah! Sophisticated! That's the word!
Meowth (looking at the camera): I learn Japanese, they can't even find
the word Japanese in the dictionary...
Jessie: Isn't that under the letter J?
Meowth: In an English dictionary, yeah... (He smacks himself.)
James (suddenly smiles as a candle flickers on in his brain): I've got
it!
Meowth & Jessie: What?!
James: We'll make them fall love with each other, force 'em to make love
outside, arrest 'em for public indecency, and then sell the tape for
millions of dollars!
Jessie: Are you crazy?! It never would work!
Meowth: Hmm...hmm...I've got it! Jessie, you steal the bike. James, you
and I will go and get some illegal aphrodisacs and we've got it made!
Jessie: That's great...except one problem...
Meowth: What's that?
Jessie: There's no such thing as an aphrodisac...(Meowth face-faults.)
Announcer: Will Team Rocket pervert Ash and Misty? Will Pikachu sell
everyone's soul for a Charlizard card? Can good overcome evil on the
field of competition? Find other these and more as we hear Belldandy
say...
Belldandy: Congradulations, Priss, you are to be War in Kami-sama's four
ladies of the apocalypse! And because of that, you are privvy to all of
Heaven's weapons.
Priss (who's under a pile of weapon): Wow! Cool! Now I can really start
some mayhem!
C-ko: So, why am I here?
Belldandy: You're famine.
C-ko: I'm famine? B-b-but I don't wanna be famine!
Belldandy: Sorry, you're famine.
A-ko: B-b-but what about us?!
Belldandy: Oh, I guess you'll just have to live without her.
B-ko: L-l-l-ive without her?
Belldandy: Oh, I suppose you two wouldn't mind, huh?
A-ko: Um...I don't think so...
Nene: Well, then, how 'bout taking Priss's place in our BGC gang.
A-ko: Us? I don't fight with weapons...
B-ko: And I make weapons, not fight with them.
Nene: Okay, but you get all the food that you can eat, and you can beat
up Mackie here.
(Mackie appears tied up and big-sweating.)
Mackie: Why me?
Nene: Because you're a slut! (A-ko and B-ko drool.)
A-ko: Okay.
B-ko: I'm in. Where's the paddle? (Nene, A-ko, and B-ko start to maim
Mackie. Nene, C-ko, and Belldandy look on, blinking. Then C-ko cries.)
C-ko: Waaah, why can't I beat up Mackie?
Announcer: Tune in to these and other such disasters on Anime Apocalypse
Day 3... "The Ladies of the Apocalypse Strike!" (The screen fades out.)