Subject: [FFML] Re: [Ranma/Matrix][C&C] Interface
From: "XStylus" <xstylus@hotmail.com>
Date: 11/5/1999, 2:25 AM
To:

Hehehehehe...

I'm sitting around the house in my boxer shorts with two oni horns sprouted
on my head with a 24 pack of Jolt (about to down #21) and a laptop with a
strange smirk on my face that screams "I got a seeeecret... I got a
seeecret..."

Hehehehe... everyone wants to know what happened in the jump program... but
ya know what...?
TOO BAD!!! MUAHAHAHAH! I AIN'T TELLIN'! That is, not until the -very- end of
the story... hehehehe... I planted that little seed in there JUST to torture
everybody. Nyahahaha!

Anyway, time for me to kindly reply to this masterful C&C here... :)

...a damned good chapter one at that!  (I wanna know what happened
in the jump program!  Waaaahh!!! :)

<bow - bow> <evil grin>
Hehehehe hahahaha hohohoho
...They're coming to take me away... ha ha! They're coming to take me
away... ho ho! Errr... snap out of it Troy! Need more Jolt...



EYEinEYE protocol: This program has executed an illegal
operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, please
contact the program vendor.

File corrupt: tn130418.ini. Abort, Retry, Fail?

<snarf!>  Been playing around with Microsoft stuff again, have we?

(Question: would running on Windows be an Agent's version of a
nightmare? ;)

I'd say that someone in the matrix has been snorting a little too much
MS-Crack... (version 0.1beta)

     "Raaaaaanmaaaaaaaaa!!!" Akane screamed as her 3.7 ton
wooden -thing- known respectfully as "Mallet-sama" materialized
in her hand.

Mallet-sama?

Oh, that conjures up harsh images... especially since I just
finished reading Hearts of Ice AND Girl Days back to back....

Indeed, the "Mallet-sama" phrase was a nod to another fanfic I have read.
I'll let you figure out which one.

     "YAAHHH!!" Ranma quickly headed -anywhere- but
here, and made his exit with one of his patented 20 meter leaps

Just a minor nitpick, but it looks better to use the actual words,
instead of the numbers - twenty, instead of 20.

Duly noted. :)


<snip>
     She glanced down and saw the strange man groping
her.

     0.01 seconds. She extracted him from her chest...
     0.03 seconds. ...drop kicked him...
     0.06 seconds. ...straight upward into her fist...
     0.09 seconds. ...knocking him downward into Trinity's
kick again...
     0.1 seconds. ...and repeated this process 10 times, totaling
one complete second of rapid-fire, turbo button triggered, super
rave comboed pain. The gun might've been more merciful...

ROTFLMAO!  Oh.  My.  God.

I had this hilarious mental picture of Trinity dribbling Happi,
while a combo hit counter indexed away in the corner of the screen...
geez,
I play too many video games.

Dribbling Happosai!! Oooooo... I think I'm gonna use that idea...!




     "They've been locked in that room for three hours. What
are they doing in there?" Tank inquired.

Do you REALLY want an answer?  Sheesh!

Ahem. If I were simply a reader and not the writer, I would say that nothing
happened. But since I AM the writer, my official word is that I wrote that
in there in that manner so that I could leave a few things to your
imagination. Don't try to bend the facts... that is impossible. Instead,
only try to realize the truth. There is no right or wrong answer.

In my -reader- opinion, I would say that it's WAY too soon for anything
to -happen- quite yet.


<snip>

     "Gotcha!" Akane exclaimed victoriously. "I'm real good with
double edged swords, Ranma."

And mallets, and tables, and vases, and other people, and ... :)

That's another phrase I think I'll use...!


     Ranma launched the first attack, a short leap towards Neo,
her fist straight on target for Neo's head. Just millimeters away from
connecting, Neo dodges. Ranma, wasting no time, launches a
spinning kick which Neo easily ducks as well. Neo returns the
attack with several kicks, a thrust to Ranma's stomach, and a foot
sweep...

While this passage is understandable, it's jarring - you switch from
past tense to present tense within the same sentence.  I'd keep them all
one
or the other.  Past would flow with the rest of the fic better, but
present
is easier to use for fight scenes (and is what you've been using up 'til
now).

Duly noted... will be fixed.

     "But you were certain you could do it as a guy, right?"

     "I knew I could get at least one punch in... and I knew if I
placed it right and put enough into it I could take him out."

So WHY did he flicker back into a girl?  Apparently, he wasn't SURE
he could beat Neo as a girl, but was POSITIVE he could as a guy.  It makes
no sense....

Ah. Perhaps that's my boo-boo... Tank caused Ranma to flicker back into
female form. Ranma can not voluntarily change forms. Tank can make tweaks to
Ranma's RSI for the purposes of hairstyle, clothing, and to a larger
extent... gender. Consider that to be one of Tank's tricks. I'll try to
rewrite that a bit so that fact is known.


<snip>
     "They set her mind to control the vital functions of both
bodies. It looks like they went to some trouble to keep her alive."
Neo explained.

     "Why?"

     "Simple... why waste a perfectly good farm body?" Tank
answered.

     "Aw shit... that's the LAST thing a ship needs." Trinity cursed.

     "What's the problem?" Neo asked.

     "He doesn't know, Trin." Tank muttered.

     "Know what? Could someone please tell me what the hell
I'm missing here?" Neo questioned.

     "I think I left a program running..." Tank said.

     "I'm gonna go grab some food..." Trinity added.

     "I think it's time for Ranma and Akane's next lesson."
Morpheus mumbled as he, Trinity, and Tank departed Neo's
company.

     "What the hell am I missing here?" Neo mumbled.

Probably the same thing I'm missing.  WTF IS A FARM BODY?

I think I need to go work on chapter two...
(Now THAT's a cheap evasion.)


<snip>

     "What happened in there?" Tank asked.

     "The jump program." Morpheus answered.

     "Yea... that explains why they're pissed... but what
happened to -you-?" Tank inquired.

     Morpheus walked over to Tank's console and deleted the
record of what happened in the construct.

     "Don't tell me -you- fell..."

     Morpheus remained silent for a moment.

     "You two keep quiet." Morpheus motioned to Ranma and
Akane. "Tank, it's long story, and I don't feel like telling it."

AAAAAHHH!!!!  CHEAP EVASION ALERT! :)

Hey hey hey! I'm not the type of person to dangle a carrot in front of your
face and then throw away the carrot when I've got you all hungry and
salivating. No no no... I'll dangle it in front of your face, make you NEED
that carrot, then I'll take away the carrot and save it for later. Hehehe...
the answers to both plot threads will be given at the very end of the story,
so yer' just gonna hafta wait!


Very nice work, IMO.  Writing is excellent, although I did feel you
moved a bit fast with the resolution of the Akane/Ranma relationship.
C'mon, couldn't that have waited a bit?  I mean, that's one of the BIGGEST
issues in the canon, and you've all but cleared it up in one chapter here.
It's a very enjoyable read, though. :)

-Sigh- I'll look over the Akane/Ranma relationship ONE MORE TIME... sheesh.

BTW - YOU SUCK!!!!! :)  It's not fair!  I wanna know what happened
in the Jump program!  I wanna know what a farm body is!  WAAAAHHH!!!!

Y'know, I think I've learned to master suspense pretty well, haven't I?
<grin>

Perhaps that's another thing I should thank Jim Lazar for. If you think I'm
bad, go read his fanfic series "Childhood of a Modern Dynasty", and be sure
you have a week to kill before you do (it's looooooooong). I've tried to use
Jim's work as a template for my own, and in trying to emulate his style I've
created my own which seems to be working quite well for me.


Ahem.

Good work.

Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com

Wait a sec... SOFASPUD?

<DOINK!!!>-

BRIAN!!!! Shiatze... I just realized it was -you- I was talking to! (I am NO
GOOD with names...) Heh... well, guess what Brian, when this is done, this
will be the newest addition to your site (if you can just get off your
toucass and get things posted in a quasi-timely manner <sugar-coated evil
grin>)

Reply to me in email and we'll try and get things started now so that when
the story is finished we can have it posted <chuckle>. Do you have ICQ? Get
in touch with me pleeze...


Once again, major thank you for this C&C. Ya' brought up some good points.

-Troy




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