Fusions That Should Never Be
Idea 1
<Insert absolutely inane banter>
As you know, there are some people that insist that anything can be fused
with anything. Though technically true, this is not necessarily a good
thing. For example Mad Bull/Magical Girl Pretty Sammy. Windaria/Kimagure
Orange Road. Dark Warrior with anything. Ranma/Avengers...err, nevermind
about the last one, but you get the idea. And even though some of them can
be put together and it by some miracle it can work...well, the way in which
it's done is all too often bungled and you end up with what is more
commonly known as the 'BAD FUSION IDEA'. Well, here's one of the last for
your reading pleasure (or pain, they're so much alike, who can tell the
difference)? ^_^
Standard Disclaimer: No. I don't own the characters.
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Shinji Ikari was in a bad mood. First, his train was late. Second, his ride
was late. Third, there was a giant ugly creature attacking Tokyo-3 and
blowing everything that moved up, and lastly, he had stepped in some gum
and it was sticking to his shoe like nobody's business. He couldn't even
walk without feeling his foot drag as the chewed up piece of unknown
substance tried to cling to the street while maintaining its hold on his
sole. And judging by how close the giant monster was getting to him, he
wasn't going to get a chance to remove it either.
Just as it looked like it was all over, a car skidded to a halt next to
him. The passenger's side door opened and within was revealed an attractive
woman, about in her thirties, with long legs and her hair done up in a long
brown ponytail. It took a moment for Shinji to recognize her from the
picture she had sent early.
"Get in!" the woman shouted as she saw Shinji hesitate right before getting
in the car. The Angel's foot crashed within ten meters of the car, forcing
the woman to reach out and grab Shinji by his shirt and throw him into the
car before taking off at top speed.
Once they put some distance between themselves and the angel, the woman
began to speak. "Sorry I was late. But traffic was a mess." She looked
Shinji over. "Say, you look a lot like an old boyfriend of mine."
Shinji began to blush. True, whatshername, Makoto, if he remembered
correctly, was attractive, but she was also old enough to almost be his
mother. Maybe she meant someone from when she was a teenager. That made
sense. Either that or he was being picked up by a potential child molester.
Makoto's eyes traced a large bomber flying overhead. "Un oh. We'd better
get out of here. Time to go faster."
They were already going close to a hundred kilometers an hour. "I don't
want to go any faster!" Shinji exclaimed.
"Would you rather get blown up by the N2 mine that they're dropping back
there?"
Shinji considered that. "I'd like to go faster."
"That's the spirit! " Makoto pumped her fist in the air once before placing
her hand in an odd hole in the dashboard. "Good thing this car's been
modified especially for me."
Shinji was still wondering what she was up to when she shouted, "SUPREME
THUNDER!" There was a smell of ozone, and the car kicked up a trail of dust
as its speed doubled and they head off to their destination.
"I'm never riding with you again."
"It's not my fault there was a little too much electricity in the system
for me to slow down. And it's not like running into the concrete wall hurt
all that much. And you got gum on my beautiful carpeting. You ought to be a
man about it and quit whining."
"I'm sorry." Shinji hung his head low.
"Geez. You really are spineless." Makoto shook her head sadly. "You know,
you , really, really look like that guy I used to date when I was still in
grade school. Are you sure you don't have any older uncles or something I
don't know about?"
Shinji decided Makoto's incessant droning was only adding to the headache
he had gotten when his head had been slammed into the dashboard from the
car wreck Makoto cleverly pretended was parking. He tuned her out until she
stopped talking on her own. They continued walking around the massive
geofront, passing the same employee's lounge three times. "Why are we
walking in circles?"
"Exercise," Makoto said, obviously lying. Shinji was about to call her on
it when the door they were about to go through for the third time opened on
its own.
"You got lost, didn't you?" The speaker was a woman that appeared to be in
her thirties as well. She was wearing a white lab coat, and had short blue
hair, as well as an air about her that implied she knew where she was
going.
"It was an accident, Ami," Makoto explained.
"No time for excuses. We have to get to the first holding cage before the
Commander chews us out."
'Commander.' Shinji focused on those words. Who was this mysterious
commander they were referring to? What was this huge base? Would he ever be
able to get the damn gum off his shoe?
They followed Ami to a huge room which held what appeared to be a giant
purple robot that would have been several stories high had it not been
submerged in water up to its head. Shinji was high enough to look the robot
in a green crystal eye, and for a moment was struck by the feeling of
familiarity around it. He wondered if it was called an EVA-01, since that
was what was painted in big white letters on its neck.
"There's the Commander."
Shinji turned at Makoto's words at followed where she was looking. High in
a room which overlooked the whole area was just who Shinji expected it was.
Standing there, as though she owned the world, dressed in a black business
suit, twin ponytails trailing behind her head and with a set of glasses
that appeared to be perpetually falling off her nose, stood the one woman
who he most wanted to see and never see again.
"Shinji, it's been a long time," Usagi Ikari said in a carefully controlled
voice.
"Mom," Shinji took a moment to compose himself. "Why did you call me here?"
"I want you to pilot that." She pointed to the Eva.
So, she didn't want him at all. She just wanted to use him, just as he
feared. "No! I'm not your tool!"
Makoto and Ami cringed as Usagi unleashed 'The Glare.' Her deep blue eyes
seemed to bore holes through Shinji. Even when she had to push the glasses
back up, the glare was still enough to make Shinji quake. Everyone hated
that look, not so much for the uneasiness one felt at having that stare
unleashed on them, but for the torture that would follow.
"WAAAHHH!" Twin streams of tears shot out from Usagi's eyes like two large
fountains. "You're my son, my own flesh and blood, and you're defying me! I
thought I raised you to respect your parents!"
"You didn't raise me at all," Shinji couldn't keep his level of anger in
the face of Usagi's crying though. What little willpower his spineless
state allowed him began to flee in the onslaught of the attack.
Usagi stopped sniffling and regained her feet, moving her glasses back up
the bridge of her nose. "Very well." She turned towards Ami, who was only
just now removing her earplugs. "Dr. Akagi. Bring out Chibi-Rei."
Ami sighed and ordered Chibi-Rei brought out. Shinji watched as a door at
the end of the walkway he was on opened and they wheeled out a young girl
strapped on a gurney, wrapped in bandages and having an IV in her arm.
Shinji got a good look at the girl with bubblegum colored hair, pale white
skin, and deep red eyes.
Shinji looked up to his mother, "She's-"
"She's not a clone of me," Usagi quickly blurted out. "Nope. Nosir. I
wouldn't clone myself. Nope. It's just an odd coincidence she looks a lot
like me when I was younger. And I have not genetically programmed her to
be an instrument to help me use Third Impact to create Crystal Tokyo and
make Earth into a Utopia whereby I will be supreme ruler, and separate your
father from the EVA-01 he's trapped in. Where did you get a crazy idea like
that, Shinji?"
Shinji formed a sweatdrop. "I was just going to say she's so badly injured
that maybe I should get into the Eva."
"Oh," Usagi thought about that for a moment. "Shinji, remember all that
talk about Crystal Tokyo?"
"Yes."
"Forget I said that. I was just kidding. We're just here to stop the
Angels, and not take over the world. Really."
"Right." Shinji had to sigh to himself. In all of those years, his mother
was still the same. Maybe not being raised by her was a good thing.
Scenes later in the series:
Usagi Ikari stared at the members of SEELE before her. "I need more
funding."
Lorenze Keele carefully considered that...for point five seconds. "No."
Usagi Ikari adjusted her glasses.
"No!" Keele shouted out, jumping out of his chair and trying to prevent the
inevitable from happening.
"WAHHH! Why?! I'm just trying to save the world from the Angels! And I'm
not trying to situate things just to use Third Impact to create Crystal
Tokyo and make Earth into a Utopia whereby I will be supreme ruler, and
separate my husband from the EVA-01 he's trapped in! Why can't I have my
funding? WAHHH!"
"Fine!" Keele shouted as the rest of SEELE began covering their ears. "You
can have all the funds you want! We'll sell Ecuador! That should raise
enough money for you. Just stop crying, Ikari!"
Still later:
Makoto watched as the chopper landed bearing the second child landed. She
watched as a red haired girl and an older, unshaven, unkempt-looking man in
his thirties exited the chopper. The two crossed the flight deck to where
Makoto waited. As they got up to her, she looked at the man and said, "You
know. You remind me of an old boyfriend of mine."
"That's because I am your old boyfriend, Mako-chan," Kaji pointed out.
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There now, That wasn't so good, was it? Some characters just weren't met to
fit into the role of others. Sure, Gendou/Usagi works fine. But
Ami/Ritsuko? Luna/Fuyutsuki? Shinji/Shinji? No. Just a bad idea all around,
Let that be a lesson to you all in things not to do.
Ciao.
D.B. Sommer
PS: No. It wasn't meant to be serious, you silly people you.