For days I've been working on this feverishly. I'm still
trying to decide
whether to break up the story into chapters, or to make it
one big story. If
I decide to break it up, this here would be considered chapter one.
And a damned good chapter one at that! (I wanna know what happened
in the jump program! Waaaahh!!! :)
I'll get to work on the second part of this tomorrow,
provided that there
aren't any serious problems with this here. Part two will be
where the real
fun begins... I wanna give you a taste of what's to come but
I don't wanna
give any damned spoilers!!! What to do... what to do...
Keep going as you are, man. :)
<snip>
EYEinEYE protocol: This program has executed an illegal
operation and will be shut down. If the problem persists, please
contact the program vendor.
File corrupt: tn130418.ini. Abort, Retry, Fail?
<snarf!> Been playing around with Microsoft stuff again, have we?
(Question: would running on Windows be an Agent's version of a
nightmare? ;)
~~~
Downtown Nerima Japan, early morning. Trinity parked
her motorcycle alongside the wall to the Tendo dojo. The doors to
it's entrance were wide open, so she took a small step inside. No-
one had noticed her yet, but she could see a dark haired woman
with her empty hands above her head as if she were carrying an
invisible weapon of some kind chasing some boy across the
premises.
Her weapon wouldn't be invisible for long.
"Raaaaaanmaaaaaaaaa!!!" Akane screamed as her 3.7 ton
wooden -thing- known respectfully as "Mallet-sama" materialized
in her hand.
Mallet-sama?
Oh, that conjures up harsh images... especially since I just
finished reading Hearts of Ice AND Girl Days back to back....
"YAAHHH!!" Ranma quickly headed -anywhere- but
here, and made his exit with one of his patented 20 meter leaps
Just a minor nitpick, but it looks better to use the actual words,
instead of the numbers - twenty, instead of 20.
over the fence and onto a nearby roof, followed by Akane.
Trinity's dark glasses concealed her reaction, but had she
not been wearing them her eyes might have fell out in shock. She
just witnessed a regular person -create- a rather LARGE weapon
and hoist it as if it were a feather. There is no mallet...
there is no
mallet... there is-...
Somehow I don't think that mantra would be very reassuring to Ranma
right about now. ;)
<snip>
She glanced down and saw the strange man groping
her.
0.01 seconds. She extracted him from her chest...
0.03 seconds. ...drop kicked him...
0.06 seconds. ...straight upward into her fist...
0.09 seconds. ...knocking him downward into Trinity's
kick again...
0.1 seconds. ...and repeated this process 10 times, totaling
one complete second of rapid-fire, turbo button triggered, super
rave comboed pain. The gun might've been more merciful...
ROTFLMAO! Oh. My. God.
I had this hilarious mental picture of Trinity dribbling Happi,
while a combo hit counter indexed away in the corner of the screen... geez,
I play too many video games.
<snip>
"Actually, you do. I still need a few more minutes to get
things set up." Neo interjected.
D'oh!
"(Ahem) I'm all ears." Ranma impatiently muttered.
"(Sigh) Have you ever felt a strangeness in your daily life?
A strangeness that felt like a dream you couldn't wake up from?
Something that felt... off? Something that felt like it couldn't
possibly be real?" Morpheus questioned.
You mean besides when Shamps or Kodachi make with the mind-altering
substances? :)
<snip>
"They've been locked in that room for three hours. What
are they doing in there?" Tank inquired.
Do you REALLY want an answer? Sheesh!
"Talking... playing... who knows? It's none of my
business." Neo muttered.
"Is it me, or do you sound a bit bothered?" Trinity inquired.
"It's not you." Neo replied. "The matrix doesn't normally
make a gender glitch like that."
"A girl who can make objects from thin air, a man who
changes into a panda, jumps of about 20 meters or more... I'd say
the matrix is having a rough day." Trinity mused.
Yeah, that latest upgrade was pretty buggy. The admins should've
known better than to go to a dot-zero release.... :)
<snip>
"Gotcha!" Akane exclaimed victoriously. "I'm real good with
double edged swords, Ranma."
And mallets, and tables, and vases, and other people, and ... :)
<snip>
Ranma launched the first attack, a short leap towards Neo,
her fist straight on target for Neo's head. Just millimeters away from
connecting, Neo dodges. Ranma, wasting no time, launches a
spinning kick which Neo easily ducks as well. Neo returns the
attack with several kicks, a thrust to Ranma's stomach, and a foot
sweep...
While this passage is understandable, it's jarring - you switch from
past tense to present tense within the same sentence. I'd keep them all one
or the other. Past would flow with the rest of the fic better, but present
is easier to use for fight scenes (and is what you've been using up 'til
now).
<snip>
Ranma and Neo were standing at opposite ends of the
dojo. Neo was in a defensive stance, and Ranma was preparing for
an all out offensive. Confident of success, Ranma charged at Neo
just like the first time.
"KACHU..."
Ranma, watching the view screen, noticed the image of
her/himself beginning to flicker.
"TENSHIN..."
On the screen, Ranma changed to female form.
"AMAGURIKEN!"
Neo managed to block all of the punches... except one.
One was all Ranma needed, and Neo was down for the count.
"Good fight, huh?" Tank asked as he turned off the view
screen.
"NO WAY! I beat him while I..." Ranma exclaimed.
"Yup, while you were a girl. You knew you could do it,
and you did. You knew you had the power to take him out, and
you did. Now tell me... how was that different from the first time?"
Tank asked.
"I... I don't know..."
"Did you think you could beat him as a girl?"
"I wasn't sure..."
"But you were certain you could do it as a guy, right?"
"I knew I could get at least one punch in... and I knew if I
placed it right and put enough into it I could take him out."
"And that's precisely what you did."
"Because I knew I could do it?"
Okay, I think I follow. Based on what you've written, and what I
saw in the flick, confidence in your abilities (whether or not they violate
'laws' of physics) is the prime determining factor in executing them. Yes?
If so, then WHY did Ranma turn back into a girl? He had the
confidence as a guy, and you even state above:
"But you were certain you could do it as a guy, right?"
"I knew I could get at least one punch in... and I knew if I
placed it right and put enough into it I could take him out."
So WHY did he flicker back into a girl? Apparently, he wasn't SURE
he could beat Neo as a girl, but was POSITIVE he could as a guy. It makes
no sense....
<snip>
Finished with Ranma's first lession, Tank ejected the disk
labeled 'Rand McNally's Matrix Atlas'.
"So, Miss Ranma... are you ready for junior high?" he
asked as he held up another disk labeled 'The idiot's guide to really
really big GUNS'.
Heh!
(I want one of those... :)
<snip>
"No need to worry her until we know what we're talking
about." Neo answered. "I wonder what Akane's part in this is
though..."
"She could be a farm body."
"What's that?"
"You don't know?"
No. What's a farm body?
<snip>
"They set her mind to control the vital functions of both
bodies. It looks like they went to some trouble to keep her alive."
Neo explained.
"Why?"
"Simple... why waste a perfectly good farm body?" Tank
answered.
"Aw shit... that's the LAST thing a ship needs." Trinity cursed.
"What's the problem?" Neo asked.
"He doesn't know, Trin." Tank muttered.
"Know what? Could someone please tell me what the hell
I'm missing here?" Neo questioned.
"I think I left a program running..." Tank said.
"I'm gonna go grab some food..." Trinity added.
"I think it's time for Ranma and Akane's next lesson."
Morpheus mumbled as he, Trinity, and Tank departed Neo's
company.
"What the hell am I missing here?" Neo mumbled.
Probably the same thing I'm missing. WTF IS A FARM BODY?
<snip>
"What happened in there?" Tank asked.
"The jump program." Morpheus answered.
"Yea... that explains why they're pissed... but what
happened to -you-?" Tank inquired.
Morpheus walked over to Tank's console and deleted the
record of what happened in the construct.
"Don't tell me -you- fell..."
Morpheus remained silent for a moment.
"You two keep quiet." Morpheus motioned to Ranma and
Akane. "Tank, it's long story, and I don't feel like telling it."
AAAAAHHH!!!! CHEAP EVASION ALERT! :)
Very nice work, IMO. Writing is excellent, although I did feel you
moved a bit fast with the resolution of the Akane/Ranma relationship.
C'mon, couldn't that have waited a bit? I mean, that's one of the BIGGEST
issues in the canon, and you've all but cleared it up in one chapter here.
It's a very enjoyable read, though. :)
BTW - YOU SUCK!!!!! :) It's not fair! I wanna know what happened
in the Jump program! I wanna know what a farm body is! WAAAAHHH!!!!
Ahem.
Good work.
Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
brianp@nhspokane.com
It's ten o'clock. Do you know where your fanfics are?
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud