DISCLAIMER: I deny any involvement in the Whitewater Scandal
- just because my family owns some of the land ...
-----------------
Ranma 1/2: "A Matter of Romantic Chemistry - pt. 3
By Lady Tesser and Jack Staik
----------------
The first hour at the clinic went by peacefully. Ranko
studied the files of the evening's appointments to have a
better understanding of the "exotic" patients that Doctor
Tofu had spoken of.
Evidently, he started gaining this clientele after he had
quite suddenly left Nerima without a word or trace of where
he had gone. The information provided in the files suggested
that the doctor had made his way through China, Australia,
then on to India, the Middle East, Russia, Eastern Europe,
Egypt ... practically all over Eurasia.
And what beings did he accept under his care? Flying
leopards were just the tip of the iceberg; gargoyles, fallen
angels, vampire toads, mummies, djinn, were-beagles, talking
dogs, the Russian Snow Queen ... no wonder the previous
receptionists had fled in terror ...
"Ranko-chan?" a hand fell on her shoulder.
"BWAAAAAAAAK!!!" she leapt straight up, attaching herself to
the fluorescent light fixture.
Doctor Tofu smiled gently, looking up at the ceiling where
his new receptionist had become one with the lights. "You
weren't paying attention," he said.
"Gomen, Tofu-sensei," she dropped down, landing back in her
seat. "When you mentioned 'exotic patients', I thought you
had meant us with Jusenkyo Curses." She indicated the files
in front of her.
He nodded and sat on the corner of her desk. "Besides the
usual 'Nerima Wrecking Crew', I did expand my practice to
include truly exotic types. I was there, armed with what I
knew and studied, and healed many of them. They were willing
to come to me, and it upset my other receptionists. Truly
said that they didn't believe the legends and myths of other
cultures."
"What *did* you do while you were gone from Nerima?" she
asked, assembling the folders back together to be filed
away.
He opened his mouth, then closed it, thinking. At last, he
replied, "We don't have a word for it, but the Aborigines of
Australia called it 'Walkabout'. It's similar to a mission,
but it has no direction or goal; like a physical meditation
of sorts."
Ranko nodded. "More like a cross between a mission and
Ryoga's wanderings."
"Quite close. I was at that time in my life in which I had
to leave here and find 'myself'. I knew I was Tofu-sensei -
or 'Doc', as your twin so called me - but I was not aware of
who Ono Tofu was."
"Hence, the 'Walkabout'," Ranko mused. "What did you find?"
He smiled at her. He did feel she was a kindred soul,
intelligent enough to understand, empathetic enough to
share. Perfect Woman, wrapped up into a girl barely a week
old.
"Well - "
He was cut off by the five-forty-five appointment walking in
the main lobby - not quite walked, more like unicycled. A
demon stepped in front of her desk and stood on tip toe to
make eye contact with her. She noted the long black ears,
pale kabuki-like white face, red bloated nose, beady black
eyes, white malformed hands, and backward red cap. It
*could* have been a dog, but she wasn't making any bets on
it.
"See Tofu?" the creature asked in broken Japanese.
Ranko nodded and Tofu bent down to his level, conversing in
some odd language she never heard of. It *sounded* like the
English that Ranma (and, likewise, she) had learned overseas
as children, but was more vulgar sounding and rough.
Probably a lot more slang terms, or a regional accent.
Doctor Tofu stood up and smiled. "As patients arrive, just
have them sign in. If they don't have a file, start one with
the medical history sheets right here."
"Hai, sensei."
Ranko turned back to her desk and stared at the sign-in
sheet she was sure had been empty a moment ago.
"'Wakko Warner.'" she read.
* * * * * * * * * *
"{Whooz my widdle bunny-wabbit?}" the question was answered
by a gurgle and a splash of water.
Shampoo was giving Chibi-Happi a warm bath in the large sink
in the back of the Nekohanten. She had to make sure his tiny
fists didn't grab at a wet sponge and put it in his mouth;
Hiba-chan told her he might turn back into a pervert if he
did.
She smiled, running her fingers over his smooth skin,
massaging him gently with the soap. A few weeks from now,
they were going back to the village, and then Chibi-Happi
will truly be her baby at last. She still hadn't decided on
a name yet: Rinse, Conditoner, Gel, Relaxer, Hairspray, Hot
Oil ...
There was still time. Yet, Ryoga had been avoiding her, and
she was decidedly worried about trying to get him to marry
her. She was so alone ... none of her Airens have wanted
her, and Mousse was just a steam bun without any filling.
<It's time to make the Lost Boy *mine*.> she firmly decided.
<For once, the old mummy and I are in agreement.>
She rinsed Chibi-Happi and wrapped him up in a towel,
carrying him into the main part of the restaurant. Cologne
looked up from a large book of spells, recipes, and
household cleaning tips.
"{Grandmother! I have to marry Ryoga Hibiki!}"
Cologne grinned, slamming her book shut. "{About time,
child! Here's my plan - }"
Shampoo shifted Chibi-Happi to her hip. "{Pardon me,
Honorable Elder, but I must win him myself. If I am to
succeed you as Matriarch of the Amazons, I must take
responsibility upon myself to take my husband.}"
Cologne barely allowed her approval for her great-
granddaughter's announcement show. Her face remained neutral
as she nodded slowly.
"{And how are you going to do that?}"
Shampoo hesitated. She hadn't thought about it - as of yet.
"{I'll try all I can - without glomping. That wasn't
particularly successful before. Where is he?}"
"{Mousse is still fighting him somewhere around Nerima.
Shall I look after the baby while you look for him?}"
"{Please.}"
Shampoo handed the infant to her great-grandmother and
bounced out of the cafe, her apron flapping around her.
Cologne sighed, and shook her head. <Hopefully she'll
succeed. We need some strong blood in the Amazon nation ...
I wonder what kind of man Hibiki's father is to produce such
a skillful martial artist ... >
* * * * * * * * * *
<That evening ...>
<THUD!!>
Soun staggered to his feet in the smelly alleyway.
<THUD!!>
Soun groaned under the mass of the Genma that had been
thrown on top of him.
"AND STAY OUT!!" the bouncer yelled. "At least until you two
bums can pay your friggin' tab!"
"Is this enny way ta treat the Masters of Anything-Goes
Martial Arts?" Genma drunkenly exclaimed.
"Hear! Hear!" Soun agreed from under him.
"Feh," quoth the bouncer, who slammed the alley entrance to
the tavern behind him.
"When our idiot children marry, Tendo an' me are gonna buy
ev'ry bar, pub, tavern, and liqour shop in Tokyo!" Genma
shouted at the closed door. "Then we see who says 'feh', ya
ape!"
"Whu'now?" Soun mumbled.
"Gotta get sake," Genma stated.
"Yah," Soun agreed, "But tha' wuz da last bar, pub, tavern,
or liqour shop in Nerima tha' would take our bizness."
"Bastards!" Genma protested. "Don' dey know that our kids
getting married will ged us a shitload of money??"
"Don' care," Soun mumbled.
"Well, we gonna show dem," Genma replied. "We're gonna ged
drunk ennyway!"
"Good plan, Saotome!" Soun agreed. "An' we can use my secret
stash a sake under the dojo -"
"Baka!" Genma cried, swinging at Soun and missing (Soun fell
down anyway). "Nodoka's going to visit! She's prob'ly
alreddy dere!"
"So?"
"An' I let Ranma run off! She'll get pissed, an' I'll be
commitin' sehp- shehp- seppep- gettin' disemboweled!" Genma
shuddered. "Or my head cut off! Or both!"
"Not good," Soun said sympathetically, staring up at the
stars (Actually, the city haze covered up the stars, but
Soun still saw them). "But wha' do we do now?"
Genma thought for a minute, then snapped his fingers. "Ah, I
know!"
A minute later, a panda was dancing in front of the bar,
with Soun playing a flute. A passerby tossed Soun a coin and
kept walking.
Unbeknownst to all, a small figure slipped from the alleyway
and silently ran down the streets of Nerima in the newborn
night. He carried information that his master would find
useful.
Sasuke entered the Kuno mansion, making a direct line toward
his master's room. He knocked softly.
"Enter," Tatewaki Kuno intoned.
The ninja pushed the door open, seeing his beloved master
still recovering from his disgraced fight against the
minions of Saotome.
"Ah, good Sasuke! Have you news of the whereabouts of the
fair Akane Tendo or my ... ah, Pig-Tailed Goddess?" He had
reluctantly surrendered the concept of twin redheads,
thinking it merely an illusion cast by the vile Saotome's
sorcerous arts to distract the Mighty Blue Thunder.
"Oh, Master Tatewaki, Tendo-san is still missing as well as
Ranma Saotome."
Kuno nodded sadly, holding his sword delicately as he
reclined back on his bed.
"What other news?"
"I have wrestled the news from two drunks in an alley that
Tendo-san has actually *married* Ranma Saotome! I confirmed
this news from both their honorable fathers." <Not exactly,
but I'm getting to old to run around in the middle ot the
night. Now maybe I can sleep in.>
Kuno remained silent, brooding. <The beautiful Akane Tendo
had been forced to marry that wicked sorcerer. She is beyond
help now. Even I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, cannot
break a marriage pact.>
"What of my Pig-Tailed Goddess? Tell me, is she still under
the influence of that foul sorcerer?"
Sasuke smiled, glad to find a bit of good news for his
master. "She no longer wears a pigtail! She is seen at the
school with Nabiki Tendo often and ... "
"And what, good Sasuke?"
"She wears really tight clothes!"
<BING!>
Kuno brought his knees up, thankful for the blanket over
him.
"So, she no longer wears a pigtail. That must mean Saotome
has no control over her anymore! MY REDHEADED GODDESS IS
FREE AT LAST!!!" He paused, contemplating. "Hmm ... I shall
claim her for my own, then! Akane Tendo is lost to me
forever, but the fair Redheaded Goddess shall be mine.
Sasuke! Lay out my clothes for tomorrow; I shall duel the
Redheaded Goddess in the morning."
"Very well, master," Sasuke bowed low.
* * * * * * * * * *
"More tea, Ichiro-san?" Kasumi asked.
"Please," Ichiro Hibiki replied.
"And you, Auntie Nodoka?"
"Arigato, Kasumi-chan," Nodoka Saotome replied.
After Kasumi had served them and herself, she sat down at
the table with them. "What brings you by this evening?" she
asked her guests.
"We came to see Ranko-chan," Nodoka said calmly. "Ichiro-san
wished to ask her a few questions, and I wished to talk to
her of a ... personal matter."
"Well, Ranko-chan is at her new job - working for Tofu-
sensei - she should be back soon."
"Tendo-chan," Ichiro asked, "I would also ask a few
questions of you, concerning - my son. I'd understand if you
were reluctant to answer -"
"No, not at all, Hibiki-san," Kasumi responded with a warm
smile.
"Arigato. I was wondering what Ryoga had done to cause his
disfavor in this house."
"Your son was touched by magic - the curse of Jusenkyo,
which transformed him into a small piglet. Under the guise
of a dumb animal, he allowed my sister Akane to adopt him as
a pet. As her pet, he would sleep in her bed, watch her
disrobe, and deliberately provoke violence between Akane and
her fiance Ranma."
Ichiro shook his head sadly. "Jusenkyo again."
"Beg pardon?" Kasumi asked.
"Nothing. Ryoga, was he ... violent?"
Kasumi nodded. "He frequently attacked Ranma in both forms.
He almost killed Akane once, and is responsible for
considerable property damage." She looked embarrassed. "I'm
sorry if this troubles you."
Ichiro let out a ragged breath. "I feared this," he said in
a low voice. "He never takes his medication-"
"Medication, Ichiro-san?" Kasumi asked.
"Ryoga suffers from an - imbalance. Without his medication,
he's prone to bouts of aggression, depressions, erratic
behavior ..." He choked back a sob. "I make no excuses for
him - if anyone's at fault, it's me, for not being home
enough."
"Ichiro, stop it!" Nodoka said sharply. "You aren't to blame
for your son's problems! You had to make a living for your
family!"
"Oh, dear," Kasumi remarked. "This imbalance - is it
hereditary?"
"Yes - on my wife's side of the family," Ichiro answered.
"Your sister's iinazuke will be unaffected." He looked
ashamed. "Ranma - Nodoka's son - I understand he knows?"
Kasumi shook her head. "No, he doesn't. He believes Genma is
his father."
Nodoka looked puzzled. "But Nabiki said -"
"Nabiki said nothing, and did so in such a way as to make
you tell her what she wanted to know. It's her special
gift."
Ichiro looked confused, which highlighted his resemblance to
both Ranma and Ryoga (who both often looked confused). "So
... Ranma doesn't know."
"Relieved?" a voice said.
"Why, hello, Nabiki," Kasumi said cheerily.
"Not relieved, exactly," Ichiro answered. "It's rather
confusing."
"Well, if it becomes public knowledge, then the agreement to
marry Ranma and Akane becomes void, and they *want* to get
married," Nabiki stated. "Besides, none of us want Ryoga as
family. So if you tell Ranma about you, I tell your wife
about Ranma."
Ichiro smiled sadly. "That isn't a threat. Ishiko is usually
... understanding about these matters."
"'Usually'?" Kasumi and Nabiki both commented.
"Our marriage was not exactly a love-match," Ichiro
explained. "In fact, it was arranged by our families. Ryoga
was conceived because it was necessary to end a feud that
had come between our two clans for six generations. We both
understand this, and merely try to be discreet."
"Sounds like a lousy way to ruin your life," Nabiki said.
"Perhaps," Ichiro said with a trace of sadness. "When I
married my first wife, it was for love. If not for our
disagreement, we'd still be married. And I miss the
affection, the closeness."
"'First wife'?" Nodoka asked, sounding slightly surprised.
"Naughty Auntie," Nabiki chided. "A married woman, getting
jealous. Green isn't your color, anyway."
"Nabiki!" Kasumi exclaimed.
"Yes, I was married before," Ichiro explained. "She was a
Chinese girl whose name translated as 'Peach Blossom'. We
married when I was just twenty, she was pregnant, and we
were happy.
"Our child was born while I was away. When I returned, I
found out that Peach Blossom had followed her village's
custom, allowing the midwife to name the child. In this
case, the midwife was a wandering martial artist who named
him ... never mind that."
"Oh, my God," Nabiki said.
Kasumi shook her head. "That would be an outlandish
coincidence, Imouto-chan."
"Around here?? That makes it a dead certainty."
"Pardon me, but what are you talking about?" Nodoka asked
primly.
Nabiki looked at Ichiro. "Hibiki-san, you sounded like you
recognized Jusenkyo ... was your first son a victim, too?
Just as he was born?"
"How did you know that?" he asked.
"Oh, God," Nabiki exclaimed. "Pantyhose!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Next Episode: Ranko Gets Busy! Lust-crazed redhead tackles
doctor and possesses him on the clinic floor in an orgy of
depraved lust!