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*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON THREE)
EPISODE 23: RANMA KILLS! PT. 2
(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.
"Ranma Kills!" is the property of Sir Asayogure and he's welcome to it.
I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this but I
figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think of this as
another form of C&C. ;)
Warning: This fic contains scenes of extreme violence.
* * *
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
(Joel and the bots remain in their usual seats.)
Joel: ....stand up.
Crow: Boy, it's good thing I'm a robot or I might have to worry about emptying
a bladder that's ready to burst from all the carbonated beverages that's been
storing up, the pressure building with every passing minute as I desperately
try not to think of waterfalls, water fountains, water spraying from a hose, water
dripping slowly from a rusty faucet, each tiny drip causing untold relief and
agony....
Joel: Keep it up, Crow, and I'll reprogram you as a toaster.
Crow: Ack! Not the pop tarts through the butt again! Okay, I take it back!
Tom: We interrupt this battle of wits to return you to our regularly scheduled
MSTing....
he began to fight.
Tom: Ironically, he used Kung-Fu, the cats had Ranma running fast
as lightning, it was very frightening and yet he *still* fought with expert
timing!
Twisting to the other direction split seconds after his first dodge he
Crow: ....heard a loud cracking sound and felt a sharp pain in his neck
before losing consciousness.
Joel: <Jerry Seinfeld> Gee, that's a shame.
avoided the baseball bat that the other man had swung. The two of the
punks looked stung,
Crow: Then they rolled around in cow dung! Woo hoo!
not really expecting the young looking boy to do such a thing.
Joel: <punk> M-m-my g-god....he actually *AVOIDED* my baseball bat!
Crow: <punk> And he's so young too! How DOES he do it!?!?
The man with the chain rushed at Ranma swinging it above his head.
A stupid thing to do really.
Tom: Hey, it's not half as stupid as throwing an empty beer keg on a
campfire....
Ranma side stepped and as he wrenched the chain out of the clumsy
mans hand,
Joel: <clumsy man> Duh, whoops! Chain go bye-bye! Aheheheheh.....
he also landed a viscous crescent kick placed just below the mans hip
bone, breaking that joint and effectively crippling the man,
Joel: Yeah! Way to stick it to the MAN, Ranma!
Tom: Um....he landed *what* kind of kick?
Crow: Er....viscous. Let's see....(pulls out dictionary) Glutinous,
sticky; semifulid; not flowing freely.
Tom: Oh, that clears it RIGHT up.
Joel: <Ranma> 10-W-40 kick!!
to his credit he stayed standing.
Tom: Must be double jointed.
Joel: Or he's waiting for an ovation.
Crow: He's in for a long wait.
He then smirked as he pulled out a small hand gun and casually aimed it
at the boy.
Tom: <Ranma> Sayyyyyy, is that really a gun? Wow! Those things are
practically non-existent in Japan! Where did you get it?
Ranma smirked too and his aura flared, he could sense the other idiot
creeping up behind him.
Crow: So this gang has two of them?
Tom: <gang member> Quiet feet....sneaky feet....ninja feet....
At the last possible second
Crow: ....the fates grabbed hold of Ranma and prevented him from
doing anything to avoid a grisly death just to prove that the sometimes
the last possible second *IS* the last possible second.
Ranma ducked as the now chainless man pulled the trigger.
Tom: He is utterly without chain. He is the chainless man.
Joel: But really, aren't we all?
The bullet whizzed past where his head had been and impacted in the
throat of the man who had been trying to sneak up on Ranma.
Crow: A stupid thing to do really.
That man gurgled something unintelligible on his way to the ground, but
Ranma was already ignored him.
Tom: <Ranma> Save the unintelligible gurgles for the next world, ya scum!
Using his training with ribbons he applied the technique to the chain.
Crow: <Ranma> Let's see....make a loop here....tie a few knots there....man,
I never thought I'd actually be grateful to Kodachi for all those times she
tied me up and forced me to....
Joel: Crow!
As the man with the gun stood there dumbfounded ready to take another
shot, Ranma flicked his wrist and sent the chain out, the sharp metal tip
ripping into the mans wrist and almost severing it.
Joel: Unfortunately, the man with the *gun* was uninjured and quickly
put an end to Ranma's life.
The man screamed!
Tom: <man> AHHHHHHHH!!! There goes what's left of my sex life!
Joel: Tom....
His last thought ever on this world was, "Where the hell did my hand go?!"
Tom: And what's all this red stuff squirting out of my wrist?!
Crow: And so Ranma kills for the first time.
Joel: <Ranma> I had to do it! The title of this story beckoned me!
Ranma heard then another scream, most decidedly female.
Crow: <Shampoo> Ranma! What this Shampoo hear about you and crazy
Kunou girl playing with ribbons?!?!
Joel: Cute, Crow....
Turning he saw the coward of a ring leader on his feet and holding the
frightened girl by her neck in his good arm in a choke hold she was
gasping for breath and her face was going all pale like,
Tom: Looks like about three sentences had a head-on collision!
Joel: Shhh! Don't mention head-on collisions! KaraOhki might be reading
this! (looks at the screen) Get better soon, KaraOhki!
the ring leader was slowly backing up.
Joel: ....his hard drive.
Crow: He may be a coward but he ain't stupid!
The anger welled up inside of Ranma again,
Tom: You mean there was a moment when Ranma *wasn't* angry in
this fic?
thinking of all the times Akane had been dragged off by some ogre,
and how terrified the girl must be now.
All: Ogre?!?
Crow: Where's this fic taking place? Spielburg?
Tom: Maybe he means Happosai?
With super human speed Ranma crossed the distances between them.
All: <singing> I am....I am....I am Superman....
Grabbing the mans free wrist which was very broken he took that and
the now wrenched free hand that was holding the girl and twisted him
into an over the shoulder throw. The man landed hard as Ranma did not
let go of his wrists when he anded but kept control of the animal/human.
Joel: As opposed to a vegetable/human, like the Swamp Thing?
The girl at this point leaning up against a tree fainted dead away.
Tom: TIMMMMMMBER!
Crow: <girl> What the.....ahhhh!?! *CLUNK!*
Joel: Poor thing. All the excitement was too much for that old tree.
Ranma bringing his foot up above the mans spine poised for the killing
blow, but hesitated as training refused to let him kill in cold blood,
Joel: And exactly which training justified crushing a weaker opponent's
wrist into powder?
Tom: I guess that means Ranma was actually killing in *hot* blood when
he severed that other guy's wrist with the chain.
disgusted he released the now whimpering like a baby punk
Joel: <Ranma> And they made YOU the gang's leader? Talk about pathetic!
and turned to the girl to check on her. As soon as he did so he regretted it.
Crow: <Ranma> H-hey! What the hell are you doing with that fallen tree?!?
Tom: <girl> I'm reenacting my favorite scene from 'Superstar'! I *love*
the feel of bark against my skin....
He had completely forgotten about the other two. Suddenly both of his
arms were pinned behind his back one held by one man each.
Joel: Poor Ranma. Now he has to decide which one to go steady with.
Tom: <Ranma> I cannot decide! I would have them both!
"They must have gone for the rest of their gang Ranma thought"
Joel: Is it a thought, or did he say it out loud? What's with the quote
marks?
Crow: I thought the two guys holding him were the ones Ranma had
forgotten about? Geez, it's hard to keep track of these guys when the
author doesn't bother to name them....
Joel: Yeah, and shouldn't they be all frightened and disorganized now
that their *leader* is whimpering like a baby punk?
Tom: Guess they're just stupid.
Just as an unseen fist slammed into his kidney from behind.
Joel: Wow, they must be pretty skilled to be able to hit such a precise location.
Tom: <Frank Costanza> Million to one shot, doc, million to one!
His eyes watered and he gasped that had hurt!
Crow: <Ranma> I was enraged! You guys have paid for this!
Looking up he saw 4 of them, 6 in all counting the two pinning his arms down.
Tom: Moron! Dork! Schmuck! Imbecile! Dummy! And their whimpering
leader, Little Putz! Together, they are 'THE STUPID SIX'!
The man directly in front of Ranma pulled his leg back as if to kick,
and Ranma knew where that kick was headed.
Tom: But suddenly, the man began twisting it around in the air and
started dancing. Soon the other gang members followed suit, snapping
their fingers while orchestra music blared in the background....
Joel: Yes, it turns out that Ranma had accidentally stumbled upon a dress
rehearsal of West Side Story.
Turning at the last possible moment he absorbed most of the blow on his
thigh. The men laughed as he faked moaned.
Crow: Isn't that cute? He's trying to protect his groin!
Thinking they had won. He felt the iron grips on his arms release a fraction,
more then he needed, jumping upward with all his strength, Ranma kicked the
one on his left in the throat on his way up, killing him in probably one of
the most painful ways possible, with a crushed windpipe.
Joel: <author> And I'd know having your windpipe crushed is painful, by
golly, cause that's exactly how *I* was killed! That's right, this fanfic is
being written by a GHOST! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Pretty scary, huh?
The other man's arm he had hung onto....literally.
Crow: That's good. I'd hate to see Ranma act even more OOC by hanging
on to another man figuratively.
The bloody stump was still in his hand and on his way down he could
see the shocked expression on the face of the now one armed man.
Joel: Ranma Saotome *IS* Richard Kimble *IN* 'The Fugitive'!
Tom: <Ranma> Aw, man....If that other guy with the crushed wrist is
any indication, this guy is about to get a lot tougher and stronger!
Using it as a club he hit the man over in the back of his neck, snapping it.
Tom: <Ranma> Tag. You're dead.
Crow: Oh, what is this? '3:16 RULZS' now?
Joel: <Joe Besser> I'll....ARM....you!
There were now only 4 on their feet and they were all hesitating.
Joel: Heh, I'd say 'petrified' would be a better word.
Tom: Either that or they're certainly living up to the name we gave them.
Ranma still furious,
Tom: He real mad. Beat up gang. Tear off limbs. Beat them more.
Crow: Kill the pig. Drink his blood.
Joel: Get some help.
had had enough, his rage building his chi up to the critical point.the
black aura that surrounded him suddenly flared as the crimson flames
grew and then focused at where he was holding his hands, which were
cupped and pointing directly at the group.
Tom: Hey, Goku! Would you mind speeding it up? We ain't got all day!
Developing a new chi blast and not even knowing it,
Joel: <Ranma> Ha! Who needs the old ghoul when I can just lose my
temper and learn strange and powerful techniques out of thin air!
all Ranma's mind was aware of was the need to kill. He could sense the
life flowing through them and he despised them for it, they did not deserve
to live, he knew that each and every one of them had raped and killed many
other helpless girls, maybe even in this same clearing.
Crow: When did this turn into an episode of Millennium?
Tom: <Ranma> They're guilty! I can feel it in my bones!
Joel: Maybe Ranma's been possessed by Frank Castle?
His rage dominated him and whispering 3 single words to what ever
gods that may be,
Tom: <deep voice> WHAT? SPEAK UP! WE CAN'T HEAR YOU!
Crow: <Ranma> END....THIS....FIC.
Joel: Nice try, Crow.
Ranma muttered "Burn.in.hell"
Tom: Ah, his heart really isn't in it.
Crow: Visit Killer Ranma's new website at http://www.burn.in.hell/
then released his rage!
Tom: ....against the dying of the light?
Joel: ....against the machine?
Crow: <Ranma> Behold the raw power of my ATI Rage 3D Card!
The power and energy that flowed from his hands was incredible.
All: That's INCREDIBLE!
The heat from the chit blast was so intense
Joel: Who's editing this chit, anyway?
that after it burned away the grass and dirt it melted the very earth
where the men had stood seconds earlier. Incinerated, they simply
vanished, ceased to exist.
Tom: (Pulls out thesaurus) Ant., see APPEARED.
Crow: Hey, where'd you get the thesaurus?
Tom: None of your business. Where'd you get the dictionary earlier
to look up 'viscous'?
Crow: None of your business.
(Both Crow and Tom stare at each other suspiciously for a moment before
turning their attention back to the fic.)
The crater that formed from the blast stretched the length of the park
and was at places almost 20 feet deep.
Joel: Okay, where did Ranma learn the Full Shishi Hokodan?
Tom: That settles it. This author's definitely mistaken Ranma for Ryouga.
Rage still burning in his eyes which were glowing red, quite unknown to him.
Crow: His sentence needing a verb.
He turned to the man, the once proud ring leader.
Tom: Now crying and whimpering like a pussy.
Joel: Oh, good one, Ranma! You've completely shattered his confidence now!
The man was on his feet again, you could tell he was terrified
Crow: Oh yeah, big stain on his pants, right there.
Tom: Where? Here?
Crow: No, over THERE! What, are you blind?
Joel: Exactly which perspective are we supposed to be following here?
but was shakily facing Ranma holding a sawed off shot gun held in his
shaking hand.
Tom: <man> Here! Take this shot gun and kill the rest of my gang! Just
spare my life! Please! Pretty Please?!?
"What..what are you?" The man managed to croak out disbelief evident in his
voice.
Joel: <whispering> I'M MICHAEL KEATON.
"All we were doing was havin a lil fun."
Tom: <singing> I get the feeling we're not the only one....
He protested seeming to think that his argument would get elicit
sympathy from Ranma.
Crow: ....and providing yet another glaring example of the author's
assumption that his readers are morons.
Joel: But really, will we ever *truly* know what he was thinking?
Ranma shaking his head and cracking his knuckles simply walked
silently towards the man. Daring him to pull the trigger.
Tom: <Ranma, thinking> Come on, come on, shoot me already....end
this damn thing so I can go home and eat Kasumi's dinner!
The girl was awake now and as her vision cleared she sat up leaning heavily
upon the tree she watched mouth agape as this boy advanced on the now singular
ring leader.
Crow: <ominous> One ring leader to rule them all and in the darkness bind them....
Emotions swirled within her. Terror was still dominating everything, but
that was quickly being pushed back by the ever growing safety she felt in
this boy's presence.
Joel: And with every fresh kill, the girl felt her love grow for this plucky,
psychotic stranger....
Crow: <singing> I guess....I'll trust....this boy....
However she wondered how anyone that young could have eyes like that, eyes
that seemed to look through you,
Crow: ....eyes that could peer through the flimsy material of her garments,
catching a nice eyeful of....
Joel: Crow....
Tom: For some reason, youth is very highly regarded in this fic.
but they weren't directed in her direction he was staring at that....that
thing that had held her down, had breathed rancid breath into her ear
as he pinned her down and tried to force her legs open!
Crow: <Ben Grimm> It's slobberin' time!
Joel: Man, this fanfic changes perspectives more often than GUB
changes E-mail accounts!
Tom: So, besides being a whimpering punk with a bad case of the shakes,
he's got bad breath too? No wonder he turned to a life of crime.
Her heart almost stopped with revulsion and the terror of the events that had
happened only maybe 2 minutes ago, she had been sure she was going to die.
Tom: WHAT?!? You mean we're only 2 minutes into this fanfic?!?
NOOOOOOO!!!
Joel: But seeing a strange boy brutally murder several gang members with
his bare hands helped to put her at ease.
She now watched as the nameless boy slowly advanced on the man,
Crow: <singing> He traveled through the desert, a wild horse with no name....
she wondered faintly in a passing thought how he was managing to glow
black, or any color at all for that matter, but dismissed it as a trick of the
sun and her overwhelmed emotions.
Tom: That's right, it's all a optical illusion with soap bubbles. Just some
passing swap gas, nothing to fret about....
Fascinated she watched as Ranma walked right up to the man only maybe
10 feet apart
Joel: Well, which was it? Right up to him or 10 feet apart?
Tom: Anybody else picturing that scene from Monty Python and the Holy
Grail when Sir Lancelot repeatedly stormed towards the castle gates?
Crow: No, but now that you mention it....
and then gasped as the thing that had hurt her sneered and pulled the trigger.
Ranma took the hit right in the chest! He went down!
Tom: Ooooooo-kay....Avoiding a hand gun bullet at point blank range,
no problem! Avoiding a shotgun blast from *10 feet*, no chance in hell!
Crow: <singing> You'll neeeeever walkkkk....aaaaagainnnn!
His last conscious thought as he went down was, "Please no! I need
one more chance I have to save her" ......and somewhere something
heard him.
Joel: And the reply from somewhere came, "Sorry! Looks like you're
screwed this time, kiddo!"
Crow: <author> Hey, I switched the perspective back to you, didn't I?
If you can't be grateful for that, I'll switch it back to the girl, SO THERE!
Oh no! Her mind screamed! Get out of here, NOW!
Tom: Time for her mind to take a hike.
Joel: Hey, give her some credit. So far she's the only one who hasn't done
anything STUPID in this fanfic.
Stumbling she tried to get up, she had to get out of there!
Crow: <girl> I CAN'T TAKE THIS FANFIC ANYMORE! LET ME OUT!!
The man/animal noticed her movements and started towards her, limping
badly but still moving fairly fast.
Joel: Why is he limping?
Tom: Because his wrist is crushed.
Joel: Oh, I can see....huh?!?
She stumbled in her hasty run and tripped!
Crow: Oh course she did. The girl ALWAYS trips in these kind of stories.
Tom: <girl> Damn you, conveniently placed tree root! Damn you to hell!
Only maybe 5 feet away from where she had fallen, they had hit her so
many times when wrestling her to the ground that now she could
barely stand.
Joel: Still, she managed to put up a good struggle, pinning four of the
thugs for the three count.
Crow: <shaking his head> Should've used her shoe when she had the chance.
She rolled over and looked up into the face of pure evil possessed of
what can only be called a satanic influence the man leered at her
and made his way slowly to her.
Joel: Satanic gang member rapists who shoot martial artists! Next on Springer!
Tom: So the face of evil is an unshaven, whimpering punk with rancid breath?
Crow: And here I always thought it was Kathy Lee Gifford.
Back in the clearing Ranma lay dead in a pool of his own blood. The air was
silent and no life seemed to move.
Crow: Ranma had died. Quit or Retry?
Joel: Hope the reader had a game saved recently....
Tom: Or invested in a Game Shark.
Suddenly a small sphere of light grew in the middle of the clearing
straight out of nowhere!
Tom: Cue deus ex machina!
The sphere grew to the size of about maybe 6 feet in diameter.
Joel: Oh no! It's Foam's big brother and boy is he cheezed!
Then out stepped a being of what could only be described as light.
Crow: And yet her mother stubbornly called her by her given name
'Luminance'
It was apparently female. The creatures beauty could not really be
compared to anything on the Earth since it was not really from that
plane of existence.
Tom: <author> So I won't bother trying. Just take my word -- it looked
really cool.
Stooping down the being pressed her right palm on Ranma's chest and
wherever she rubbed in it's wake left only healed skin!
Joel: Hey! It's a strange visitor from the Planet of the Necrophiliacs!
His body healed the being bent her head down and kissed him on the mouth
fully, breathing life back into him, slowly his chest rose and then fell.
Tom: Just then, Akane Tendo happened to walk by and immediately jumped to
conclusions.
Crow: Say, if Ranma gets to determine who deserves life in the gang, then who's
this light lady to decide for Ranma?
Joel: <shrugs> God must have given Ranma a mulligan on that one.
Breaking the kiss the creature/being/goddess
All: IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!!!
kneeled on the ground next to him and whispered into his ear with a
voice that could only be described as musical if one could hear it,
Joel: <Belldandy> Doe Ray Mi Fa So La Tee Doe.
she spoke 5 words into his ear,
Tom: <Belldandy> Meet me after the fic?
Joel: <mortified> Tom, what the hell are you thinking?!?
Tom: Oh sorry, Joel. I forgot that you're a Belldandy Fanboy.
Joel: <indignant> I am not! I just....uh....think she's nice is all! Yeah!
Tom: Hey, whatever you say, Fanboy.
Joel: <sighs>
" Your wish has been granted!"
Crow: <Ranma> Um, lady, I didn't make any wish. I was dead, y'know?
Joel: <Ranma> That's strange, you sound exactly like Kasumi....
Back in the woods
Tom: ....the Blair Witch was getting the living crap beaten out of her by
Winnie the Pooh and his friends, who had mistaken her for a Woozle.
the man reached down and grasped the helpless girl by the hair and
moved to push her to the ground, screaming as loud as she could the
girl clawed, bit, kicked, and did everything in her power to stop him,
he smirked and stood up, kicking her in the stomach!
Tom: Yes, it's the Attack of the Run-On Sentences!
Crow: Considering all the injuries he sustained from Ranma, shouldn't
the girl be able to just push him over at this point?
Tom: Maybe his rancid breath is the equlivant of a Bio3 attack?
She doubled over in pain and stopped squirming long enough for him
to start taking his pants off.
Joel: Oh, for pete's sake! Give it up and get some medical attention already!
Crow: Those Human/Animals just don't know when to quit.
In the clearing the being of light stood and disappeared back into the light
>from whence she came.
Tom: Oh, that's good. Bring Shakespeare into this mess. Yeah! THAT'LL
MAKE IT BETTER!!!
Joel: Woah! Easy, Tom, easy. You've had a long day, honey....
Ranma's eyes snapped open and he leapt to his feet!
Joel: <Ranma> I live therefore I am!
Turning to the sounds of a struggle he saw the same girl as before laying
spread eagle helpless on the ground the man standing in front of
her.....taking off his pants?!?!?!?! He sprinted towards them!
Tom: <Ranma> All RIGHT! Gimme! I've always wanted a pair of pants
like these!
"Yes.." the animal/man thought, he was going to enjoy this.
Joel: Wasn't he a man/animal last time?
Tom: Author *juuuust* can't be bothered distinguishing this guy's
corporeal form.
Crow: Is he a man or is an animal? Call our 1-900 number and VOTE!
The man bent over again reaching with his good hand. To grab her
again the girl barely conscious now struggled weakly.
Tom: *ahem* If this is to make any sense at all, please start the second
sentence at 'The girl.' NOT at 'To grab.' Thankyewverymuch.
However half way down the man suddenly stopped moving! Looking up
the girl saw a miracle.
Crow: Two glorious words that read 'THE END'!
Tom: Woo hoo....hoo hoo hoo, oh, who are we kidding?!? (starts sobbing)
Joel: Come on, shhhhh, don't worry, guys. I sense the end is near. Just stay
frosty till....
Crow: Oh, not THAT again!
Tom: Can't you say something ELSE for a change?
Joel: Uhhhh....Stay wheatie, guys?
Crow:<rolls his eyes but giggles a little all the same>
Tom: <chuckling dispite himself> Thanks, I needed that.
Joel: Always here to make you smile.
There grasping the man by the back of the neck was that same boy! He
was alive! Her heart leapt into her throat with relief!
Joel: Exclamation points abounded!
The boy was obviously still furious
Crow: Geez, even *Oscar* wasn't THIS mad when we first MSTed his stuff.
Joel: Imagine if Ranma were on the road?
Tom: <Ranma> HEY YOU!!! GET THAT *bleep* CAR OUT OF MY
*bleeping* LANE BEFORE I KI-BLAST THE *bleeping bleep* OUT
OF IT!!! DON'T MAKE ME RIP OFF YOUR *bleeping* ARM AND
BEAT YOU WITH IT!!!
and his eyes still shone red, but his black aura had been replaced with a
white one that was beyond bright.
Tom: It was Ultra-Tide bright!
Joel: So Ranma's an angel of death now?
It shone so brightly that it hurt her eyes!
Crow: <girl> Uh, you wanna turn down your headlights, pal?
Tom: <Ranma> But I'm a guy, dammit! I don't *have* headlights!
Joel: <light being> Sorry, your wish didn't come with a dimmer.
Tom: <Ranma> But I never made a....oh, forget it!
Lifting casually with his right arm Ranma lifted the man off of his feet.
Joel: Oh, Ranma's learned how to use the force. That's nice.
With a mighty heave Ranma tossed him into the ground... HARD!
Tom: Hard enough to capitalize all the letters, anyway.
Crow: Yeah, but only one exclamation point? How hard could that be?
Hard enough to make the ground shake and break the mans arm that
he had fallen on,
Crow: <shrugs> Okay, if you say so, fanfic.
luckily for him it had been the previously injured arm.
Tom: <gang leader> *whimper* *sob* I-I'm so l-lucky, I could t-t-throw
up! *sob* *whimper*
The man leapt to his feet, some of his strength regained
Joel: The hell?!?
Crow: Yeah, nothing boosts your energy like breaking an arm.
and he threw a jumping punch at Ranma's head a fist thrown so hard
that if it connected with a regular mans head
Tom: ....it would have exploded into a billion gooey pieces *and* send
out a massive shockwave that blew apart the heads of anyone else within
a mile radius?
it would have broken their nose!
All: Ooooooooooh....
Crow: ....the hell cares.
Ranma didn't even flinch! He simply raised his left hand and caught
the mans good fist, and clamped down hard!
Tom: <Hawkeye> Clamp.
Joel: <Nurse> Yes, doctor.
Tom: <Hawkeye> Scalpel.
Joel: <Nurse> Yes, doctor.
Tom: <Hawkeye> Snu.
Joel: <Nurse> Snu? What's Snu?
Tom: <Hawkeye> Not much, what's snu with you?
Crow: Ba-da-BING!
The man was stunned! However he didn't have much time to be stunned
Crow: He found he had to get away on weekends and holidays just to find
enough quality time to be stunned.
as the pain suddenly hit him. He looked up and saw a man , not a
boy, a furious man!
Joel: He's back....and this time....HE'S MAD.
All: GHANDI II!!!
He was blazing with some sort of strange light and the look in his eyes
was that of murder.
Joel: No more Mr. Passive Resistance! He's out to KICK SOME BUTT!
All: GO GHANDI GO! GO GHANDI GO!
At that moment the man knew what the girls whom he had tortured had
felt, and he was truly afraid.
Crow: Girls? What girls?!? I'm confused....
Tom: Isn't it obvious? The author DESPERATELY wants us to hate
this gang leader's guts enough so that we'll justify Ranma killing him.
Joel: Sad, really....
Ranma squeezed harder, he could feel the fibers and the sinews in the mans
hand holding the bones in place on the verge of collapse and he smiled faintly
as he applied even more pressure, the mans hand broke in every place possible
and then when Ranma kept squeezing the bones began to shatter and split the
skin.
Crow: Uh, would it be crass to say Ranma's got a bone to pick with him?
Joel: Yes, plus we'd have to kill you for the pun.
Crow: Oh, uh, never mind then!
Tom: Suddenly, it's 'Ranma Tortures!' now.
Looking down with disgust Ranma could see the man's limp member
hanging out of his almost off pants.
Tom: What? No fine leather underwear to go with his ensemble?
With a grin Ranma thought of the best way to punish this thing, not to kill
him, but to make him wish he was dead, in the name and for the honor of all
the other women whom he had killed and raped.
Crow: Which, we should remind the readers, is still pretty much a
presumption on Ranma's part....
Tom: <Ranma> Who needs killing when *TORTURE* is where it's at!
Ranma crouched down and with a quick grasp and with the help of the
jumping muscles in his legs Ranma castrated the man!
Joel: <winces> Uh, okay, now that was a LITTLE excessive....
Crow: Maybe Ranma's cursed form is related to Lorena Bobbit?
Tom: If he brings spiky balls into this, I'm leaving....
His hand dropping the disgusting thing as soon as it was free, and
continuing with the upward motion Ranma aimed a punch that would
almost kill but not quite right into the mans neck, hitting him almost
as hard as he could. Ranma was very satisfied with the sound of
snapping cartilage.
Joel: 100% satisfaction guaranteed or your characterization back!
Tom: Yes, order now to start receiving your complete collection of
'Ranma Kills!' stories! Every week you'll receive a new blood stained
book like 'Ranma Maims!', 'Ranma Slices!', 'Ranma Mutilates!'
'Ranma Bites!', 'Ranma Fights Dirty!', and if you order RIGHT NOW,
you'll receive Ranma's manifesto ABSOLUTELY FREE!!! Order today
or we'll send Ranma over to YOUR house and turn YOU into a chapter
of the glorious saga that IS 'Ranma Kills!'
Knowing that the man was doomed to be a paraplegic in prison and that some
inmate would get to have his way with him for the rest of his miserable life,
and Ranma smirked!
All: <shake their heads in disbelief>
Crow: Somehow, I get the feeling the 'being of light' that saved Ranma is
being called on the carpet right now....
Tom: An eye for an eye, is that how it is, fanfic?
Joel: They should have named this fic 'Ranma OOC? And How!'
Turning to the girl he ran quickly to her side his battle aura dying down
around him ad he ran.
Crow: <Cockneyed accent> Eah, 'ad E' run away with the girl from 'ere
when 'E 'ad the chance, none of this might 'ad 'appened at all!
Kneeling beside her he cradled her head in his hands and helped her sit up.
Tom: Unfortunately, his uncontrollable rage caused him to accidentally jerk the
girl's head completely off her shoulders!
Crow: <Ranma> Uhhhhh....Fatality?
Joel: <girl> Ahhh! You idiot! I only wish I had time....to....get....revenge....
Crow: <beam of light> Your wish has been granted!
Tom: And with that, the girl's head bit Ranma to death.
Seeing as she was almost completely naked with her shirt torn and her
skirt in fragments, when she was in a sitting position he shrugged off
his silk shirt. Surprisingly rip free considering that it had taken a shot
gun blast.
Tom: You see, when Ranma was a baby, Nodoka wove his clothes out of the
blankets in which he'd been wrapped aboard the rocket from Krypton....
He gently placed it around her shoulders and buttoned it up.
Joel: Oh yeah, like THAT makes up for everything.
Glad he always wore another pair of water tight pants under his regular pants
to keep changing to a minimum when he was splashed he quickly shucked
off his outer layer of pants and handed them to her
All: <singing> Sing the praises of PANTS!
and turned his back so the girl could put them on privately to hide her nudity.
Which she did so while lying back down and arching her back to do so.
Crow: Is she POSING for us or what?
Tom: Hey, every fanfic's got to have a little fan service now and then....
Turning back around Ranma knelt beside her again and cradled her shaking
body in his arms. "Are you okay miss?" he asked,
Joel: <girl> I-I think so....W-What the hell's going on here?
Crow: <Ranma> Is this your first time in a bad fanfic?
Joel: <girl> Y-yeah, I think so....
Crow: <Ranma> Okay, here's all you need to know for now. The author's
making me OOC as hell but I think you're safe. Just try to stay calm and
don't make any sudden moves or who knows how the author will force me
to react!
Joel: <girl> O-okay, I'll do my best.
she simple looked at him and worked her jaw soundlessly, this boy had
just killed 7 people and been resurrected and all he could say was , "are you
okay?"
Tom: No, he said 'are you okay miss?' Pay attention!
Crow: What does she expect him to say? I'm insane in the membrane?
Finally gaining control of her mouth the girl looked at those eyes of his,
red with rage a minute ago and now a deep blue with concern..... "Wh-who
are you?" She managed to ask.
Joel: <Ranma> I'm Frank Sinatra. Who the hell are you?
Looking into her eyes in return Ranma said those 6 famous words....
Tom: No shirt. No shoes. No service?
Joel: This fic is NOT six words long?
Crow: You know you want me baby?
"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this"
Tom: You should be, pal, you should be.
*END FOR NOW!!*
Tom: Good! This fic can't end enough for me! The whole thing was so
un-Ranma, I felt like I was reading a 'Punisher' comic or something!
Joel: No kidding. I mean, Ranma going postal and maiming people
just doesn't work when he wouldn't even let Soun and Genma mail
Happosai to the north pole....
Tom: Yeah. And part of the central concept of the series is that things
AREN'T black vs. white the way this author is portraying. Nobody in the
manga is a saint, and nobody is without some sort of redeeming virtue at
least once in a while.
Crow: Well, at the very least, it had a lot of action. That's better than nothing.
Tom: Are you kidding me?!? Ranma didn't use ANY of his signature
moves, he ripped off Ryouga's Full Shishi Hokodan, which, by the way,
uses DEPRESSION as a weapon, not RAGE, and then he suddenly becomes
GOD when he determines none of the gang members have the right to LIVE
anymore....
Joel: Um, Tom?
Tom: <continuing> .....then Ranma stands there like an idiot and gets
himself shot and he DIES! Volia! A great place to end the fic and show
the reader what false bravado gets them! But NOOOOOO.....
Crow: Uh, Tom, are you okay?
Tom: <steam starting to rise from his bubbledome> Instead, we have
some....'being of light' or some crap like that, come down to earth, plays
tonsil hockey with Ranma and gives him the powers of the force, even
when it's PAINFULLY obvious that the author is trying to pad out the
fic by making this gang seem tougher than they really are because anyone
with half a BRAIN knows Ranma could have wasted these guys in 5
seconds flat without breaking a SWEAT!!!
Crow: <bigsweats> C-Come on, Servo, you're thinking about this way
too much....
Joel: Just think happy thoughts, Tom! Happy thoughts!
Tom: <a black aura forms around his bubblehead, it's edges rippling
with a crimson, blood-like substance that flickers wildly about like
flames from a fire.> AND THE WAY THE AUTHOR KEPT FEELING
THE NEED TO EXPLAIN *EVERY* SINGLE LITTLE DEVELOPMENT,
FROM THE POSSIBLE IMPACT OF A MISSED PUNCH TO HOW WE
SHOULD FEEL ABOUT THE BLACK LEATHER GANG!!! GOD, IT
JUST MAKES ME *SO* MAD!!! I'M FILLED WITH ANGER!!! I'M
ENRAGED!!! I'M FURIOUS!!! I'M....I'M GOING TO....TO....TO....
Crow: <panicked> Look out! He's gonna blow!
Joel: <equally panicked> Take cover!
(Joel and Crow dive under the seats just as Tom reaches critical mass)
Tom: ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!
* * *
DEEP 13
"You got any fives?"
"Nope, go fish, Steve-a-reno."
Dr. Forrester stifled a yawn as he reached for the deck of cards.
Normally he would be monitoring Joel and his tin can buddies while they
viewed the horrible fanfic or movie he sent to them but after a few pages
of today's experiment, he decided to tape the results and look over them
later.
Now he was beginning to regret that decision as the only thing he
and Frank had thought of to do with their spare time was play cards and
wait for the Chinese food delivery to arrive. Even watching Ranma walk
had to be more interesting that this.
"Say, Steve?" Frank inquired
"Yes, Frank?" Dr. Forrester looked up at his assistant.
"Want to switch to Crazy Eights? This game is kinda dull."
Dr. Forrester shrugged. 'Whatever. Actually, would you mind
going to the fridge and getting me another Cherry Coke? I think there's still
a few of them left...."
"Sure thing. You want ice with that?"
Dr. Forrester shuddered. "No, I think I've had all the ICE I can stand
for a while."
"Kay." Frank got up off the floor and lumbered towards the pantry
while Dr. Forrester was taking the opportunity to stack the deck in his favor
when an ominous ding came from the direction of the umbiliport. Dr. Forrester
looked up in surprise. "Joel's sending something to me? Now?" He rose to his
feet and cautiously approached the door when suddenly....
*BOOM!!!*
Dr. Forrester was thrown back against the floor as the umbiliport door
was blown out with the force of a cannon blast. Groggy, he looked up to see
the umbiliport filled with a thick black fog and a loud crackling noise coming
from within itself. Then a red light, the color of blood, illuminated the entity
within and Dr. Forrester gasped in shock as he recognized the familiar shape
of a bubblehead.
"You....You're one of Joel's thingamabobs!" Dr. Forrester exclaimed
angrily. "What the hell do you think you're...."
"YOUUUUUUUUU...." Tom growled as he emerged from the
umbiliport, his head was glowing blood red, surrounded by a black aura with
crimson flames. "YOU SENT US THAT FANFIC!!! IT'S YOUR FAULT!!!"
"S-So what if I did?!?" Dr. Forrester shot back, angry that there was
the slightest tremble in his voice.
"THEN IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!" Tom screamed as he turned his
hoverjets to full power and rushed towards Dr. Forrester, hitting him in the
chest and knocking the wind out of him.
"OOF! What the hell are you....OW!" Dr. Forrester cried out in pain
as Tom rammed the top of his head into the doctor's chin. Then Tom cut the power
to his hoverjets and dropped straight down to land on one of Dr. Forrrester's shoes.
"OUCH!! DAMN IT! FRANK! GET IN HERE AND HELP ME!!" Dr.
Forrester howled as he hopped on one foot while holding his injured one in his
hands. Tom quickly put an end to that by ramming the back of his knee, causing
Dr. Forrester to fall down in a heap on the floor.
"Help you with wha....Hey! It's Tom Servo from the Satellite of Love!"
Frank exclaimed as he entered the room, holding two cans of Cherry Coke in his
hands. Tom quickly turned to face Frank, his little body shaking with rage.
"Sayyyyy, that is one *bitchin'* aura, buddy!" Frank said, his voice
filled with admiration. "You think you could teach me how to do that?"
"FRANK, YOU IDIOT! CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S TRYING TO
KILL ME?!? DO SOME.....OOOF!!" Dr. Forrester gasped again as Tom
dropped like a stone right onto his stomach.
"Don't worry, Steve! This oughta cool him down!" Frank proclaimed
as he furiously shook both cans of Cherry Coke while approaching the mad
robot. Just as Frank lifted the tabs, Tom noticed the danger at the last second
and ducked as the cans sprayed their sticky, carbonated fluids all over Dr. Forrester.
"Oh, poopy."
Frank winced as he watched his boss sputter and cough, completely
soaked and dripping with Cherry Coke. Then he abruptly remembered his
original target and spun around to find himself face to face with an enraged
Tom Servo.
"YOU TRIED TO SOAK ME?!?" Tom snarled.
"Uhhhh....well, I.....uh....." Frank bigsweated as he desperately tried
to think of a way out of this mess.
"IT'S PAYBACK TIME!!!" Tom screamed as he began powering up
his hoverjets.
"Aw, c-come on! Wait! C-Can't we be friends or s-something!"
Frank stammered as he back away from the furious machine.
Suddenly a small sphere of light grew in the middle of Deep 13,
straight out of nowhere. The light assumed a feminine shape and a voice that
sounded remarkably like an Elton John song, whispered to him.
"Your wish has been granted!"
"Huh? But I didn't make a...." Frank cut himself off as he abruptly
remembered his predicament. "Wait! Yes, I did! I made a wish! I did!
I most definitely and certainly did! Honest!" Frank quickly amended in
a panicked voice.
The being of light seemed to smile at him and then, placing her
hands alongside Frank's face, she gently kissed him on the forehead before
vanishing as quickly as she had come.
Frank was speechless for a moment. Then he glanced over at his
boss, still lying on the floor, and he suddenly felt a overwhelming sense of
hatred and loathing for him. Before he could wonder why, another wave
of negative emotion, even stronger than the first one, increased what was once
loathing into a full blown obsession to see Dr. Forrester punished for his crimes.
"YOUUUUUUUUUU...." Frank growled, a battle aura identical to
Tom's, began to surround Frank like a blanket. Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester, who
had just finished wiping his glasses clean and was about to lace into Frank with
a few choice words, now paled considerably when he noticed Frank and Tom
slowly walking towards him, their eyes glowing a blood red color.
"F-Frank! B-b-booby! H-Have I mentioned you're up for a r-raise?"
Dr. Forrester asked in a small voice.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
The sounds of extreme violence could still be heard from the viewscreen
speakers even after Joel had hastily shut it off. Joel quickly searched for the mute
button and finally found it after a few moments, silencing the din.
"Well, at least we know where Tom went, now," Crow remarked.
"Yeah, but shouldn't we do something before they tear Dr. F to pieces?"
Joel replied, a concerned look on his face.
"Ah, don't let your conscience tie you in a knot, Joel. Dr. F brought
it on himself. Besides, I hear it's good to release some rage once in a while."
"I guess you have a point there. But we still need to calm Tom
down afterwards....and you know what that means."
"Oh no! No way! I am NOT wearing that damn waffle suit again!"
"Come on. Be a sport," Joel prodded.
"No! Forget it!"
"I'll give you a *ramchip*...." Joel offered in his best Velma impression.
"Uh-uh!" Crow replied.
"TWO ramchips?"
"Yeah yeah yeah yeah!" Crow replied in his best Scooby Doo
impression as he rushed off to get the suit. Joel watched him go and then
came to a sudden realization. "Hey, if Frank's busy beating up Dr. F, then
who's going to push the button?" he wondered aloud.
"Your wish has been granted!" the feminine voice of Magic Voice
replied cheerfully.
"Wait! I was saving that wish for....aw, shoot." Joel pouted as
the screen faded to black.
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
I hope you enjoyed this and C&C is very welcome. (fcasper@yesic.com)
Author's Notes: Hiya! I had originally planned for this MSTing to have
a Halloween theme but I didn't give myself enough time to release it the week
before Halloween so releasing it the first of November seemed like a better
idea anyway. I took a bit of a vacation from MSTing in order to help move
and settle into a new house in a gated community still under heavy construction
and it's taking a while to get adjusted to the new neighborhood, not to
mention the sounds of bulldozers waking me up *every* day at 6 am. Believe me,
I'm very glad to start writing again and with a little luck, the 1999 Chicken Ball
Awards will be ready a few months sooner than last time. ;P
I've been MSTing for over 2 years now and I want to thank each and every
person who's send me words of support and encouragement and who have
helped me throughout these last two years. I treasure every piece of fan mail
I receive and I consider it a great honor that some people have dedicated their
MSTings to me and tell me that I helped encourage them to start MSTing. To
all of you, thank you from the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to
inspire and make you laugh for a long time to come. :)
Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice things
about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his latest work
'I Dream of Ranma', you can reach him at kleppe@execpc.com or his webpage
at http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics and I'm sure he'll be happy to send
the story along to you.
Finally I'd like to thank Sir Asayogure for writing 'Ranma Kills!' and
giving me a lot of material to work with. I hope you're not offended.
It's all meant in good fun. :)
Shizen's Versatile Home Page V3.0 (My MSTing and Fanfic Pages can be found here.)
http://svhp.webjump.com/
(Alternate site: http://www.tass.org/fanfic/MST3k/)
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
SEASON ONE
------------------
101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic)
SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Flynn (SM Fanfic)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon)
210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon)
SEASON THREE
----------------------
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic)
SHORTY!
-------------
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
103- PHEROMONES!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!
OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
---------------------------------------------------------
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover)
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)
Lefty's MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/MSTings/index.htm
'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)
Mystery Wrestling Theater!
http://members.aol.com/mrnoun/MWT3K.htm
"THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee (Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)
Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics
OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING
The Official Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot" Wong
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html
Flashman's Flash Point
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/3105/
Website Number 9 MSTings
http://neylonpc.engin.umich.edu/mst3k/mistings.shtml
Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page!
http://members.tripod.com/~CarnageBooga/index.html
A Sailor Moon Romance
http://moonromance.simplenet.com/
Zen's Fanfiction Page
http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html
Webdragon's Lair
http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/
Sakura's Lemon Fan-Fiction Archive
http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/main.html
Sean Gaffney's Webpage
http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html
"I'm Ranma Saotome, sorry about this"
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 1999 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....