At 07:23 PM 11/24/99 -0500, DB Sommer wrote:
Slowly cutting into the backlog:
Was his nutrient suspension fluid pressure okay?
Did the transition process between his normal and 'active' states
proceed smoothly? Ryunosuke was beginning to think all
think that all (I believe)
Hmm. I think you're right.
"Okay, okay, I get the drift. I still have to make breakfast for
Dad and me." He stood up, grabbed the sheets, hoist
hoisted
Oops. Missed that one.
them in the air,
and folded them in one swift motion. "C'mon, Nuku-Nuku. Let's go."
Nuku-Nuku leapt up
I think you can drop the 'up'
I think you're right.
then typed in the finishing touches to his 'important' paper and
pressed the return key with a flourish. "Ha ha! Done!" Without looking
he put out his cigarette on Ryunosuke's hand.
"Look, Dad," continued Ryunosuke, "if you don't get moving we'll
both be late for class."
"Yes yes, this is important. Since this is my last day to teach
at the college and all I
all, I
You're right. Jeez! And I'm usually the one pointing out all the places to
put commas!
"Do I have to?"
"Absolutely."
"Okay, then. Ouch."
Heh. Some things never change. Although I think you should have given at
least a basic physical description of him, at the very least his age.
Oh. Sometimes I forget where one fic ends and another begins. I described
him earlier, but that was another fic, so... ^^;
Ryunosuke shut his eyes as the command raced through his organic
brain out towards the electronic receptors, relaying it to the rest of
his body. Immediately his frame began to grow, his bio-covering
compensating for the extension of his cybernetic endoskeleton.
Ryunosuke liked the feeling;
Since you use 'feel' later in the sentence. 'sensation; would be better
than 'feeling,' IMO
Sensation sounds good.
[snip]
Kyusaku looked over his son as if to admire his handiwork.
"Damn, I'm good. You could pass for eighteen. And your clothes look
good, too."
Ah, that's a little better, though I'd still like to know his age from
before that.
Hmm. True.
"Dad! I'm thirteen! I'm not supposed to worry about that sort of
thing yet!"
"Ah, but what if the opportunity arises, especially considering
that you're MY son and you've no doubt inherited my manly good looks,
eh? It's best to be well-prepared, and well-equipped, for the job!"
Definitely handling him differently than he did Nuku-Nuku.
Ayup.
"That's none of your business, Kiyone! I don't pay you to make
comments like that."
Kiyone sighed, brushing her long black hair back with her
fingers. "Well, if you're going to be that way, ma'am, there's nothing
I can do. Anyway, Mihoshi was watching one of those morning feature
news shows and..."
I dunno. I liked the duo of Arisa and Kyouko. I don't really care for this
change.
Yeah, but I mean, two struggling OL's and Kiyone and Mihoshi? The
connection was too good for me to pass up. I do know what you mean, though,
with Kyouko being the one with the common sense and Arisa being the
war-freak made for good contrast. My problem other than the obvious
parallelisms between the two duos was that that'd be placing two Kyokos in
the same universe. I wanted to avoid any sticky situations later:
"Hey Kyoko!"
"Hmm? Can I help you?"
"Not you, Kyoko!"
"But I am Kyoko."
"ARGH!"
"Maybe he's your husband's gay lover?" Kiyone suggested.
Bad Kiyone. No cookie for you.
"Yes... yes, that must be it," Akiko murmured to herself.
"I thought so," Kiyone said.
"It's Android MB 1124."
I thought it was supposed to be NK-1124.
Hee hee. NK turned into Nuku-Nuku. MB stands for Mecha Boy. An subtle change.
Just get going!" Akiko
barked. "Oh my
Oh, my
Oops.
Kiyone opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
"Of course, I could be wrong, Kiyone," Mihoshi said cheerily,
sticking her tongue out. "I mean, you're always the one pulling me out
of trouble, right? Kiyone? Kiyone?"
"Mihoshi, you're scaring me. You're actually making sense."
Yeah. TV Mihoshi don't do that too often. ^_^
Yeah. But this is the OAV Mihoshi (the ditzy, likeable one). None of this
too-stupid-for-words Mihoshi.
Ryunosuke chuckled. If there was anything he
he had
Oops.
"Kiyone, I'm picking up the image of that cute android guy on
the rooftop of Ryunosuke's junior high!" Mihoshi said, lifting the
visor of her helmet, which had 'Police Magic' written on each side.
Heh. Cute.
"Roger that,
that.
Whoops!
Ryu-kun caught one rocket by the tail fin, bent it, and released
it timed and angled precisely to strike at the other missile, sending
both in a calculated trajectory into the hangout of one of the school
gangs he didn't particularly like. "Sorry, Bomber Boys,
That reference goes over my head (If it is one)
Um, very obscure anime. Bomber Bikers of... ah, skip it. ^^;
"Ryu-kun!" screamed Kyusaku as drove into the lumberyard in his
Land Rover, helplessly watching his son crash into a pile of huge
timbers at terminal velocity.
You already mentioned he was at terminal velocity. I'd just drop that part
in this sentence.
Ack. You're right.
[snip]
Nice work,. Still would have preferred Arisa and Kyouko.
D.B. Sommer
Ah, well. Win some, lose some. Thanks again!
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