Hi ya, everybody!
After getting these replies, I have to say... to say... I AM SOOOOO TOUCH!!!
(Tears began to pour down like waterfall, flooding the FFML)
Now, you guys might now be pointing at me saying that I'm crazy, after all,
the replies are saying that my story -needs- improvement. So what?! This is
the first time I get so many replies (may not be much to some people...)
from you guys... wahh!!!
Shampoo: "Ai ya! Author not cry anymorelah! People going to drown if
Continue like this."
Ok. Snip off most of Gary Kleppe, Nicholas Leifker, Lucres Annuiteas
comments. (If I put them all in this is going to take up space!)
Akane's cooking is extremely overused in fanfics. This sort of
thing was rather infrequent in the manga. If you must use it, at
least use it in a new and different way, and try to tie it to the plot of
your story.
Try to get to the meat of your story -- which seems to be Ranma ending up
in the crystal -- as soon as possible.
The beginning should introduce the reader to (first) the characters
and (second) the plot. Since we already know this Ranma and Akane, we can
dispense with the character introductions and get to the plot.
Your characterization of Akane lacking in the depth that she has in the
original.
Opening with fanfiction cliches tends to turn off a lot of readers, who
have seen such openings millions of times. And after reading that
many openings, most probably delete any fic that begins with one. If you
can make it interesting enough or put a little twist on it, though, you
could capture the reader's attention and lose the risk of scaring off
potential regulars.
The action seemed very confused and winding. You might want to get rid of
all that excess material.
Actually, I -am- not much exposed to the anime. I've only seen about four
parts of it. It's the manga I'm reading, but it's in Chinese, so I may not
get the exact way the characters talk. I don't know, in the Chinese
translation, Kuno doesn't talk poetry and Shampoo can talk normally. Ukyyo
(I hope that's the right spelling) doesn't add 'sugar' to her sentence. And
the names are all in Chinese! So there! I think the influence I'm getting is
from the FFML authors here. It's all (ok, most of it) from you guys out
there! Waa hahahaha!
But I got to admit, I have been overusing Akane's cooking. Ya... and tends
to dump in lots of extra stuffs. Come to think of it, Akane's cooking is
bad, but not -that- horrible looking. Ranma had survived all the time even
when he was force to eat all of them.
I'm wondering. What -if- my story has some connections to Akane's cooking
(remember they brought the whole table of cooking along with them?), and her
birthday (well, not that much on her birthday), and some of the extra,
confusing actions before the stone start glowing? Could I leave it as it is?
I mean, my propose of the commotion (before the stone started swallowing
Ranma and Shampoo) is to confuse them and you readers from guessing the
right word or action, which had somehow activate the stone.
But all and all, I -am- overdoing Akane's cooking, and too winding... OK!
Got to redo and change some things inside that story! Which means Chapter
Two will be delay. Waa hahahha!
And Lucres, I like your 'MEAL OF DEATH'. ^_^
Thanks for the C&C!!!!!!
Yucca
(I even have problem with the copyright!)
Oh! Does anyone know about how old is Cologne?
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