Hi David!
A -REAL- long time ago, you wrote this, and I was planning on giving C&C
soon afterwards, as I had done to all of the previous fics. Then, I left
for a while, and my mail built up. Then I returned for a bit, then left
for some more, and my mail increased. And so on and so forth.
Since I'm planning on reformatting/partitioning soon, I thought that I
ought to hurry up, lest I never finish.
On Wed, 29 Sep 1999, David A. Tatum wrote:
Well, it's been a little while since I sent ANYTHING to the FFML.
<throws stone>
*SHATTER*
Well, there goes my house...
Well, a
lot of things have happened since I last did... some of you will remember
me saying that my Grandmother was very ill. A few weeks ago, she passed
away, and I didn't really feel like writing anything I'd already started
Very late condolences.
The mood aboard the Tsunami was subdued as it soared across space to their
rendezvous with the Raalgon. Two other Earth ships, the destroyers Asimov
and Bonapart of the Aranami class,
^_^
Asimov is my favorite author. This fic just went up another notch in my
estimation.
In the inner recesses of the Tsunami, a small collection of people were
gathering together to discuss a small problem.
Used the adjective 'small' twice in the same sentence.
The source of that problem
was normal for that crew- the captain, one Justy Ueki Tylor. The problem
that he gave them, however, was by no means normal.
Used 'normal' twice as well. How about 'However, the problem that he gave
them was unusual.'? It sounds a little more bland than I'd like, but I'm
out of practice...
Might I suggest replacing the dash with a colon?
"Of course he's not himself!" Anderson, representing the marines, growled.
"His woman was nearly killed in a blast meant for him- he's probably got a
lot on his mind. It's how BADLY it's effecting him that worries me. No
sleep? No food? That's bad, but it's also understandable- he probably
doesn't want to sleep for fear of nightmares, and he's probably so worried
about Yuriko his stomach's upset. But what's worse to me is that he isn't
even able to keep up the pretence of his old self... and we need to do
something about that."
The dialogue of the twins and Yamamoto seemed to be a decent reflection of
what they sound like, but Anderson doesn't seem to quite strike the same
cord. I can't really put my finger on why, though.
And you're using that dash mark more here. I don't think it's a fault,
per se, but it does get annoying where there are so many in a dense
area.
Yuriko might actually be glad of the changes."
'Glad of the changes' sounds weird. Perhaps just 'Yuriko might even be
glad.'
There were murmurs of assent from the three other women in attendence.
"Besides," Harumi said. "Yuriko's injuries were severe, and it would be a
good thing to worry her about this right now.
I think you meant to say 'It would -not- be a good thing...'
Sure, Tylor wasn't his usual
self, but there was nothing stopping him from irresponsibly taking what
there was of the assembled task force out without waiting for the flagship
of the Raalgon contribution.
How about 'Although Tylor wasn't his usual self, there was nothing to stop
him from irresponsibly taking what there was of...'
Actually, the changes might make him want to move all the faster.
What changes? You may have said which ones in the last chapter, but
repeat them again.
Hopefully, Shia Has, who he had sent ahead of him in
the Intrepid, a scout ship, would be able to hold the unpredictable Earth
captain long enough for him to arrive, but there were no guarantees.
Too many pauses in one sentence.
Perhaps 'He had sent Shia Has ahead in the Scout Ship Intrepid.
Hopefully, his subordinate would be able to hold the unpredictable Earth
captain...'
Tylor walked out, and steadily marched down to his quarters, smiling and
waving at the people he encountered as he went. After all, he shouldn't
lose sight of himself, right? And he was always relaxed, always confident,
always able to put a smile on his face, no matter how grim the
circumstances, right?
Normally, I'd recommend that you change the two sentences that
consecutively end with '...right?' but in this case, I think it works
better the way it is, when one considers the impact with the next line.
For a little
while, he'd be back to his usual self.
Lemmie guess. He collapses at some point in the future, when there's a
major crisis afoot.
"Yes, we'd heard that Tylor's woman was caught in a bomb blast."
I have trouble thinking that Shia Has has the same speech as the
human marines.
Yamamoto nodded, hesitating. "Your intel probably knows this already, but
I even if it doesn't I doubt I'll be giving away many state secrets.
Remove the first 'I'.
Shia Has gasped. If true, the Tylor problem was even worse than expected.
...then Tylor's problem...
"And remind me to get that bottle of Brandy for you tomorrow."
Would brandy be capitalized here?
FAKE knowing what you talks about."
'talks' should be singular.
"Thank you, my Empress," the man said, straightening up slightly but
continuing much more reverently. "Captain Dom, sir, the message buoy has
been retrieved, and here is the data cube. You are required to activate
it, however..."
I'd either stick the 'however' on the front of the sentence, or take it
off altogether. My suggestion is the second.
"I did not him to order expect that," Dom said under his breath.
'I did not expect him to order that.'
"Dear god..." Dom and Azalyn both whispered.
Of course, this makes one wonder if alien races believe in god.
-Natsume Ranma Ranma
-------
The sardines weren't worth the trouble. A few more shots, then
Ryoga-san would overheat and explode. Ducking around a corner,
I managed to lose him as I entered the ramshackle residence of
my Anime supplier.
One look at his face and I knew that I was betrayed. "Tell me."
I insisted. He refused, so I slammed him against the wall.
"Last chance. Where can Ranma-Ranma find good fanfics?"
"Try Jason Liao." he whispered, before he slumped to the floor.
I heard the sounds of a door splintering as I left through the
window, one step ahead of Tendo Heavy Industries...