Here we go again:
As usual, commentary is very welcomed.
And as good as this fic is, it should get more C+C than it receives. Folks,
this is definitely something worth reading and commenting on.
Unquestionably one of the better things posted to the list. Even if you
don't have a lot to say, why not drop a line and at least let Good ole'
Alan know you're reading it. (I think that's enough plugging on my part.
^_^)
* * *
"Thank you."
You're welcome, but you really should wait until I've actually gotten to
the C+C before thanking me. It could suck, after all.
Ifurita accepted the steaming bowl of... something
It's probably chili. It is the one universal constant.
... from
the hands of the wide-eyed child, and tried to convey with her
smile what she was obviously failing to do with her words.
Ifurita eyes said, "I don't need to eat food, you simple minded creature."
Ruddy flames shifted on the cold white stone of the
low-ceilinged cavern, a place that served, if the hundreds of
sitting mats of knotted grasses any indication,
missing something there. Maybe 'grasses were any indication'
one of the icy mountains. They had stopped trying to speak to
her on the journey back, after they realized she had no knowledge
of their flowing language.
And the fact that Ifurita wasn't a very dynamic speaker. her few efforts to
speak had put the party to sleep on more than one occasion, until they
learned how to shut her out.
All the words seemed to be very long,
and they spoke them very fast.
Ah, a race of insurence salesmen.
Perhaps she should stop thinking of them as the Phantom
Tribe. This was obviously no longer El-Hazard, after all; the
Eye of God had thrown her here, into what was clearly the
originating dimension of the Phantom Tribe.
Errr why? Couldn't it be that they were randomly trasnported into this
dimension just like the ones that had been transported into El Hazard were?
But she didn't really have any other name to call them.
They whispered back and forth to each other in their quick
language, and watched her. It made her feel rather
uncomfortable, almost embarrassed; she wondered what they wanted
her to do. Her language centres were having great difficulty
assimilating their tongue, as it had no relation that she could
find to any of the languages she already knew.
Not even Jive? ^_^ (Hey. I just watched Airplane! a while back. Give me a
break.)
Her eating of the food seemed to relax them, and their
voices gradually rose above whispers. Ifurita listened and tried
to figure out the basic structure, but it didn't seem to have
one; words seemed to be placed almost randomly, sometimes
repeated four or five times in a row.
Of course, the big joke is it really is gibberish and they're just doing it
to yank Ifurita's chain.
The idea of time paradox were not easy for Ifurita to
handle. There had been no need to program her with such a thing.
Hmm. It was plural in the first sentence. Perhaps 'things' here would be
better.
What little understanding she had came from Makoto's memories,
and whatever as-of-yet untested abilities she'd acquired through
the Eye of God.
Perhaps she's acquired the ability to Riverdance?
Tribal greeting customs, Ifurita thought. And she did the
same, running a considerably shorter strand of blue-black hair
between her own fingers.
The woman sat back and crossed her legs. Ifurita did the
same. They stared at each other in silence. After a moment, the
woman touched her own hair. "Nasalasalanasala."
Which meant, "I have split ends. Do you know how to fix them?"
"Ifurita." She indicated herself.
Which, in the Phatom Tribe's language, meant, "It's a dye job."
A small, hunched figure in a dark cloak was brought forth
>from within the circle, supported by two tall members of the
tribe. Ifurita thought at first that it an
it was an
Some sort of seer? There had been tribes in El-Hazard who
had placed special value on the prophetic abilities of the
insane.
Oh, there's a path to true glory. ^_^
The attendants drew the cloak away from the boy. Revealed
to the light, the handsome, bearded head growing out of his left
shoulder and back blinked its eyes, and then focused on her.
"Hello, Ifurita," it said.
Well now, that was a suprise.
***
Something in
'in' or 'on'? I think 'on' sounds better.
This: Nahato, arms unbound, floating in the ocean, as
bereft of animation as any shipwreck fragment. The waves rolled
him back and forth, back and forth, a cradle for a lost child.
Blank and depthless, his eyes stared up at the onrushing night
and stars as though with mute horror at their vastness.
"Do?" He licked his dry lips.
"We can use him as bait." Jinnai said. "Put him on the end of a hook and
see what we can catch."
Was there some reticence in Lethiaphan as it released his
sister's wrist from its steel-hard grip? No, of course not; it
was a machine, and it had no face to show reticence with.
Good point
"Oh, Katsuhiko," Nanami said, something like pity in her
voice, "you're
voice. "You're (I think)
weaker than Makoto will ever be."
He almost struck her, barely stopped himself.
stopping
The sight of
Nahato--who he had intended to die, and
don't know why, but I think I'd drop that comma. It reads better without
it.
"No child could break my threads," Deva said. "Nor adult,
either."
"Then how?"
Deva shrugged.
"Wire cutters?"
"I know not how. You are the messenger from
God; the inexplicable is your dominion, not mine."
And Katsuhiko said, "But if I explained it to you, then it wouldn't be
inexplicable and it would become your domain. You're trying to steal my
power from me too, damn you!"
Lethiaphan took one long step to the railings; the Bugrom
shrank back before it. It clenched its fist, and the water
around Nahato clenched like a fist in time;
'in time?' Not sure what you mean there.
Nahato's head lolled like that of a rag doll, shifted by
Jinna's
Jinnai's
"Look at him, Katsuhiko," Nanami said, kneeling down beside
him. He saw the motion to touch him with her hand rise and die
in a second--Lethiaphan stood too near, faceless sentinel.
That 'faceless sentinel' at the end is missing something. Can't put my
finger on it, but it's awkward and doesn't feel write. Darned if I can tell
you why though
"It's only a machine." And so are you, he added silently,
but a more human machine--and thus, you are more of a threat to
my power.
Try 'she is the one most responsible for what power you have' Katty-baby
Jinnai's starting to have real problems. Truthfully, it feels like this is
happening rather quickly, since i don't recall anywhere near this level of
a loss of coherence. Unless something is affecting him.
"Take a swim, Lethiaphan. Don't go too far, though."
"What is too far?" Hard to tell it was a question, that
voice was so empty of inflection.
Yeah, but we can see the question mark so we know it's a question. ^_^
"Just be back in five minutes."
It left the deck in flash,
in a flash
"Deva," he asked, "why did you not inform me earlier that
what I saw were not God's angels, but the Phantom Tribe."
Deva said, "Because I was trying to determine just how much of a clueless
putz you are."
"Why else?" He put an edge upon his voice, one that he knew
he could make cut her like her edge, cut her to the bone as she
cut him before. Remind her of her station and his, lay her low--
leave her weeping on the deck, however it was a machine might
weep, as he had made her weep before.
Yep. He's having problems, all right. Still it feels too sudden.
The answer he'd expected and wanted.
And she might realize this. Seems as though Deva might be starting to wise
up.
He smiled benignly.
"Queen Deva, do not hestitate next time. While I am far wise
beyond my years, I am but new to this world, whereas you are
not." It burned him to say it, true though it might be to some
eyes--even hers, and that was why he said it. And yet some part
of him longed to say the rest, to pour out all his fears that he
might be wrong; if the Phantom Tribe could deceive him once,
could they not do it again? Have done it before? Were not even
dreams safe from their illusions? Had this journey been in vain,
was their destination something of no use to them? No, no, no,
he repeated mantralike. There was still Lethiaphan. Something
had sent that to him, passed the ownership to his hand; surely
that was proof that not all of this was lies?
Nice to see at least a slight urge for him to unburden himself. He's not
completely gone.
"Quiet," Katsuhiko hissed. "You'll spoil the illusion."
His tongue, covered in facets like the eyes of a fly and
obscenely long, flicked out of his mouth.
Ah, dream sequence.
No one in the audience moved. Their eyes stared like blank
marbles. A beautiful girl with white hair watched him with
infinite sadness in her eyes.
nice imagery.
With a shaky laugh, he glanced over to where Fujisawa-sensei
snored, arms and legs askew all over the floor of the tiny cabin.
Afura had been given the sole bed--the cutter really wasn't
designed for long-range sea use, but they'd had no other option--
and her body was an almost foetal
fetal
Moving quietly as he could--though if his scream hadn't
woken anyone up, his footsteps probably wouldn't either--he made
his way up on deck, after quickly and somewhat self-consciously
changing into some fresh clothes behind the curtain they'd
rigged up to make a small dressing area in one corner.
Fifty one words in one sentence? And you're not going for some stream of
thought line like with Jinnai's earlier rambling? I'd really break this
down into at least two sentences.
Out on the deck, the new day's sun, just barely risen, gave
the scattered clouds a rosy tinge. Miz was at the helm, guiding
the cutter as it skimmed through the Sea of Tears, riding almost
atop the waves at times. One day, Makoto decided, after he
figured out how to bring Ifurita back, he was going to explore
the other technology that El-Hazard had to offer.
Wait until Makoto discovers that in a feak accident, Bill Gates was
transported into El Hazard's past and has actually developed most of their
machines. Muhahahaha!
"Is Masamichi sleeping well?" Miz asked with false
casualness.
"He seemed to be."
"I mean with the way Shayla-Shayla and Afura were snuggling up with him, he
seemed to be."
Miz's eyebrow twitched and she went below. A minute later, there were two
less priestesses of Muldoon.
"Nothing, to my knowledge," Miz said with puzzlement. "It's
Its
got fertile soils and a good climate in the low-lying areas, and
a bunch of large, impressive, and extremely inhospitable
mountains.
Fujisawa will like that.
"Shayla?" Somehow, being a member of a pacifist sect, even
a former one, didn't fit with any mental image Makoto had of
Shayla.
Well, that could be why she isn't one anymore.
He didn't make for very good
converstation--even if she'd had something to talk to him about
anyway, he seemed more interested in staring off into space and
occasionally drooling--and her headache had been getting worse,
so she'd finally just lain down and let herself go to sleep and
uneasy dreams.
Ohh. 52 words in that one.
Gingerly, she got out of bed. Her clothes weren't too fresh
either. Maybe Deva had something she could borrow, she thought
vaguely, and almost giggled. Then they could talk about boys.
Deva: There is this cute drone I've seen walking around, but I don't know
how to approach him.
Her whole life had turned into some weird surreal nightmare.
Nah. that would be Evangelion. ^_^
Deva's eyes narrowed. "You're right. You have very good
eyesight, for a human."
Or for someone who has evolving superhuman abilities at least.
As they watched, not speaking, the speck became a line, and
then resolved into a long sandy coast. In the distance, forests
could be seen; beyond them, tall, cloud-wrapped mountains
reminded
that reminded
"Look," Nanami said. "There's a boat."
It says, Titanic on the side.
It was small and neat in appearance, riding smoothly over
the waves. From the direction, it had been launched from the
shore to meet them. There were two occupants, a heavyset man
with a thick beard who piloted, and a figure of indeterminate
gender in a hooded cloak.
Ah, and some more of the players enter the game.
As the small boat neared, the man removed his hands
Yuck! That's disgusting
from the
controls
Oops. Never mind. ^_^
Deva said, "I remember that I do not remember this place for
some reason which I cannot say."
"Huh?"
Well, that makes two of us. ^_^
She stared. The other girl stared back. Her face was
darker, tanned; her hair was much longer, done up in a bun at the
back of her head. Other than that, they were identical.
Oh my. I didn't see that one coming.
This must have been how Makoto felt meeting Fatora,
Ah, I hadn't thought of that. I guess it makes sense. I wonder if it's that
way for the people of both worlds. Nothing more than twisted mirrors of one
another that the Eye of God can reflect one way or the other?
Ah, very nice work. Some of the sentences need to be broken down as they go
on for way too long. And Jinnai seems to be losing it a bit too quickly,
but aside from that things continue to move along at a good pace and this
was a delight to read. The head and Nanami's twin were real surprised I did
not see coming. Can't wait for more.
D.B. Sommer