Subject: [FFML] [ranma][songfic... kinda]So I Married a Mallet Murderer
From: Pippin Took
Date: 10/28/1999, 3:12 PM
To: FFML

It's funny where ideas come from.  Five minutes ago I
was looking at the Woman sign as I walked into the
ladies room. (I'm at school)  I heard Mike Myers in my
head singing "Woman" and I was inspired.

Enjoy!

These characters aren't mine to maim and mutilate...
But I love them anyway.

So I Married a Mallet Murderer
by Leloi

We open on a dimly lit beat cafe.  Conversation washes
through the room as the audience waits between sets. 
Suddenly the lights go out, leaving the patrons in
tabletop candlelight.  They turn expectantly towards
the dark stage.

A bright light shines down on a young man with black
hair and a pigtail.  He wears a black silk shirt and
pants in chinese style.  Black sunglasses and a beret
complete the ensemble.  

A pregnant pause passes as the poet lights a candle
and places it on a stool beside him.  By its light,
figures in the shadows can be seen.  The man in black
licks his lips and takes the microphone.

"Women... Wo-men,  
Fi-an-cees, all of them, three.
You come af-ter me 
and mess with my chi.
I think that you all are cra-zy"

He cues an invisible band.  As beatnik rhythms
respond, spotlights slowly come up on three musicians
onstage behind the poet.  A man with a bandana plays
the string bass while a another man in samurai robes
plays a flute and a third man with glasses plays the
bongos.

"Shampoo... Sham-poo,
War-rior girl, A-ma-zon too.
Turns into a cat.
How I hate that.
You chase af-ter me and say... Meow!"

The poet shivers as the band plays a few riffs.

"Ucchan... U-chan,
I thought that you were a man.
Were real-ly friend-ly.
Oko-no-mi-ya-ki.
Then Pop stole your cart and we ran."

The poet stares at a panda in the audience as the band
plays a few more riffs.

"Akane... A-ka-ne..."

The poet faulters and stops.  The whole audience leans
forward in anticipation.  The band looks annoyed.  A
girl with a mallet glares at the poet.  

"That's all that I want to say."

Quickly, the poet picks up the candle and blows it
out, cueing the spotlight to cut out.

Above the applause, curses from the stage are heard.  

"Ranma, you coward!  You cut off our last verse!"

"I couldn't go through with it."

"Saotome Ranma... You denied the world my flute solo
in the verse.  Now you shall die."

"Hey, wait!"

"What do you mean by my Shampoo chasing after you, you
womanizer?"

"She..."

"Ranma, what were you going to say about me?"

"Nothing Akane!"

A series of crashes and other related sounds are
heard.  The audience sits in the dark and wishes that
someone will turn on the lights so they could see the
action.

THE END

=====

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