"Ken Brockwell" <rolothamasi@hotmail.com> wrote:
It is the year 2016. An well-endowed 14 year-old girl with lustrously
flowing raven-black hair sneaks into her parents bedroom after a long day at
school. She riffles through her father's underwear drawer till she finds
what she's looking for; a tape entitled 'Confessions'.
I think the word you want is 'rifles.' 'Riffles' is generally used for
the pages of a book.
It'd help if you let us into the head of this girl a little. Maybe she's
laughing to herself because she knows about stodgy old Dad's secret
stash? Maybe she's dying for a little relaxation after fending off
unwanted advances from the boys at school all day? Doesn't have to be
anything extensive, but little things like this would help us connect to
the character and to the story.
Also, giving her a name wouldn't hurt.
She goes down to the living room and makes sure nobody was around before
nobody is around (present tense)
She presses 'play' and the tape runs. It starts off by showing a number of
attractive women followed by their names. The names are obviously made up.
C'mon, tell us what the names are instead of asking us to take your word
that they sound fake.
The girl starts loosening her clothes as the show begins in earnest. After
several minutes, the actress who was currently featured starts to moan. The
girl reacts similarly this action.
'reacts similarly this action' is ungrammatical and unnecessarily wordy.
Suggest something like 'does likewise.'
Actress: O?o?oh!
Please convert your ellipses to standard ASCII. My mailer chokes on
these characters.
Girl: Oooo?ooh.
Actress: Oh?oh?oh!
Girl: Ooh?oh!
Actress: Oh oh oh OH!?
So it's just a tape of people moaning? Is that it?
Actress: OH!OH!OH MY!
Girl: OH SHIT! AUNT KASUMI!?
Oh, it's a shock-OOC fic. Yawn.
If you can come up with a remotely plausible reason why Kasumi might
actually end up doing this, it might be funny. ("Goodness, these new
exercise videos are strange; but I'm so glad to be able to help the
viewers lose a few pounds!") As is, IMO it seems pretty pointless.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html