Douglas MacDougall <dougmacd@dougmacd.net> wrote:
GENMA: We're going to surgically attach you two together.
Unable to get separate, you'll HAVE to learn how to
live with each other!
SOUN: Brilliant plan, Genma!
BOTH: Our schools will be united!
RANMA: Hey, waitaminit! You wanted us to have children, right? How the
heck can we do that if we're surgically joined?
GENMA: Simple, boy. Wait until you find out *where* you'll be joined!
AKANE: Ewww!
DOCTOR: You need to get in touch with your feminine side...
GARY: Huh huh, he said "touch"...
Possible formatting problem, there.
Spotted, and fixed.
"Don't argue with your elders, boy!" Genma warned sharply.
"As the future heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial
Arts, it's your *duty* to do whatever it takes to make sure
that legacy is secure!"
suggest: As the heir to the
(He's already the heir, not the future heir.)
Righto, will change.
"He is not my fiancee!" Akane screamed.
AKANE: Hey, he is my fiance, dammit!
RANMA: [blinks]
AKANE: I meant the spelling! There was an extra E.
RANMA: An extra, silent E?
AKANE: Yeah!
RANMA: ...
AKANE: I heard it! I did!
RANMA: So HOW did you hear it?
AKANE: Simple. It's one of those high-frequency silent "e"s that only
fiances can hear.
RANMA: Don't you mean fiancees?
AKANE: Isn't that what I said?
"How are we supposed to work stuff out when she clobbers me
over
every little thing?" Ranma said.
Another formatting glitch.
Will fix.
"W-We only want what's b-b-best for you two!!!" Genma
sniffled.
Soun I can see wailing, Genma less so (grovelling, yes).
Maybe get rid of the stutter?
Okay, will do.
What is Soun doing between Akane's le--
[sounds of censoricide removed for our more sensitive readers.]
Looking for dropped shogi pieces! Yeah, that's the ticket!
KONATSU: Modern Therapy KISS!
RANMA: That's it; I'm outta here.
AKANE: Me too. Gene Simmons? Ugh!
DR. HANAWA'S OFFICE
7:03 P.M.
This is a little inconsistent with your use of "PROLOGUE"
and "PART 2" Is this a setting or the chapter title?
It's essentially a difference in style between two authors that we
didn't catch. :)
suggest: A young couple forced into marriage
or: Two teenaged children
(Keep it consistent with the Doctor thinking
they're a lesbian couple, later.)
Will consider.
The doctor rubbed his tired eyes. He was a little sick of
these type of cases. He wished he could deal with a REAL
psychological challenge instead of these endless martial
disputes.
Would a martial dispute do? "JERK!" "SEXLESS!"
Hah! You made the same typo that we did! :)
He never approved of arranged marriages,
especially since he had nearly been forced into one
himself. He thought love was better if it bloomed
naturally, with no restrictions or rules to get in the way.
I would assume he wouldn't approve of them if he *hadn't*
been in arranged marriage. (As most arranged marriages
are successful, right?).
He hasn't. Note the 'nearly.'
suggest: Another was pulled behind
(I assume Ranma's not just following her in, under his own
power. Cause if he is, I would assume Akane would have
noticed the gender problem, sooner.)
suggest: stepped up in front
(I don't think the "to stand" is necessary.)
OK, will change these.
Do you want to use the feminine "fiancee" or masculine "fiance"
here? They imply different things about Akane's attitude to
Ranma's girl form.
Meant to use the masculine, but typoed it.
"It's a long story." Akane pulled up a chair in front of
his desk and sat down. A moment later, the boy did
likewise. "But it really doesn't have anything to do with
our problem...."
Well, Akane has just firmly established that she doesn't have
a psych degree... :j
Was there ever any doubt? :-)
suggest: how do *you* feel
(He was previously talking to Akane, so the emphasis should
be on the subject change.)
OK.
"I don't FEEL anything. I just want to go home!" Ranma
moaned.
DOCTOR: You don't feel ANYTHING? Surely that's not the case.
RANMA: Look, just let me outta here. I know what you do it
these places. I've read the fanfics! You're gonna
turn me into a girl and fall in love with--
KUNO: My pig-tailed goddess! At last we are together!
RANMA: [runs off screaming]
AKANE: What do you think, Doctor?
DOCTOR: (Stares at Doug) He's crazy. :-)
"Well, let's start with your manners! You eat like a pig
and you always manage to make an embarrassing situation
worse! You constantly flirt with other women and you'll go
to any lengths to win a fight when any normal person would
have walked away because it was so stupid! 'Martial Arts
Tea Ceremony?' 'Martial Arts Cheerleading?' Give me a
break! And let's not even get into the time you dressed up
as a playboy bunny to compete with Tusbasa...."
These are good comments by Akane. The flirting comment is
a little weak, though. I like the comment about stupid
martial arts. :)
OK; we'll try to work up something to change the 'flirt' thing to.
"Really?" Akane's expression softened.
"Sure, after all, he can see it for himself!"
This joke was a little weak. Maybe, "Hey, I don't tell just
anyone you're unfeminine. I wouldn't tell the doc, here."
Will work on this bit.
Mushoko looked at her appointment log. "Why, yes, she is.
But they'll be done soon. Would you like to see the doctor
after Mr. Saotome is through?" The teenage girl smiled
politely and shook her head.
What, no appointments necessary? [boggle]
Hey, would you kick out people carrying giant spatulas and bonbori
because they didn't have an appointment? :)
"Whattaya mean, 'pervert'?!" Ranma cried.
DOCTOR: That's my clinical diagnosis, Miss...ter Saotome.
RANMA: No way!
AKANE: I told you! [self-satisfied grin]
DOCTOR: You'll get your turn, tomboy.
RANMA: You're not really the doctor! You're...
[rips off mask] You're Doug!
DOUG: Damn! I would've gotten away with it if not for you meddling kids
and your okonomiyaki chef!
"Leave him alone, you big bully!" Akane snapped, failing to
notice the cup of tea on the doctor's desk until her arm
collided with it and its contents spilled over P-Chan.
This is the same cup of tea that was already poured on
Ranma? I don't recall it being refilled...
That took place between parts 1 and 2. We'll add a mention of it.
"Ryoga?" she said. "What are you doing here?"
Having just read the Yamasen-ken/Umisen-ken storyline, I
think it's safe to say that Akane would be a *little*
bit flustered. After all, she covered her eyes to avoid
looking at Ryu Kumon wearing just his boxers.
OK, will work on this.
Thanks for the comments!
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html