the_man_with_the_machinegun@juno.com wrote:
Ranma smiled, a small, wicked smile as he
dropped the rest of what he needed for his costume
onto the floor. Originally, he hadn't intended to
attend the party in a costume, but a little
'persuasion' from Akane changed his mind. He could
still feel the mallet inflicted lump on the back of
his head.
Now why did she do that? Why does she care so much whether or not he
goes to this party? Without some more development, this doesn't seem
very believable.
Ranma turned abruptly, making sure to keep
his body between the costume and who he instantly
knew to be his fiancee.
He's known her to be his fiancee ever since vol. 1, actually. :) You
might want to reword here.
Akane felt her self grow dizzy at the sudden
herself (1 word)
movements of Ranma as he hustled her out of the
Dojo, slamming the door behind them.
Ranma smiled. "Come on, let's go!" Ranma took
Akane's hand and began towards the front gate.
"Ranma, slow down! You're pulling my arm
off!"
Why's he hurrying? Not that it's something he wouldn't do, but I don't
see why he's doing it in this particular case.
"Hello to you too, Ryoga." Tofu smiled and
nodded. "Going to the Halloween Party at the
Tendo's, eh?"
Tendos' (there are more than one Tendo)
Ryoga nodded and frowned. "I want too, but
to,
"Yes, Shampoo. You've been invited to the
Tendo Dojo for a Halloween Party."
"Aiya!" Shampoo clinched the serving trey she
"Ai ya" translates roughly to "Oh no!" It's not appropriate for a
pleasant surprise, even if it is a stock phrase. Also, I think the words
you want are 'clenched' and 'tray.'
Cologne nodded. "Unfortunately," she then
continued, drawing a blank expression from her
great-granddaughter, "Mousse has also been
invited."
Why does she care? Heck, it'll get Mousse out of her hair for an
evening.
Shampoo's sunshine vanished into darkness.
"Aiya," she replied in a depressed tone.
Now THAT'S how you use aiya. :) But I don't see why it's such a big
deal. She's quite capable of avoiding or ignoring Mousse for the
evening.
"Shampoo...?" Mousse squinted and leaned
toward the tree. "Have you been eating properly.
You're no more than a tooth pick, my darling."
Toothpick should be 2 words, I think.
Ukyo smiled brightly, flipping a deluxe
okanomiyaki into the air and onto a plate. "That
okonomiyaki
means a chance to get closer to Ranma-honey!"
Konatsu frowned and placed the double
invitation card down on the counter before Uk-chan.
"I wouldn't be opposed to spending a little time
with you, Ukyo."
Too forward for Konatsu. Also, unless there's been some development in
their relationship that we should know about, he addresses her
respectfully as Ukyo-sama. This can be left as is, or translated as
something like 'Miss Ukyo' or 'ma'am' or some such. No way he'd call her
Uk-chan (as you have below).
Ukyo cocked her head in thought. "I don't
know... Maybe I'll go as one of those Sailor Moon
chicks, or maybe someone from Maisson Ikkou or
Maison Ikkoku
Lum."
FYI, Lum is the character; the series is named Urusei Yatsura.
Konatsu looked up at his boss/friend. "You
read Rumiko Takahasi's work, too?"
No, she reads Rumiko TakahasHi's work.
Akane grabbed Ranma's arm and pulled him
along behind her. "Tuff. Buy it if it's so good. We
Any reason for the weird spelling of 'tough?'
Ranma's flesh grew a thick green color as his
head flushed with the memories of the last meal he
at by Akane's hand. He even remembered the first
ate
He grinned. "Oh come on, Akane. We wanna
scare the guests, not kill them!" //Oops.\\
Akane's face twisted in anger. "What was
that, Ranma?" she asked, her back to the pigtailed
martial artist.
"Nothin', I didn't mean it. That came out all
wr---~!!"
"Die, Ranma!"
Sorry, but this reaction doesn't make sense. I could see her bopping him
as soon as he's made the insult. I could see him trying to apologize but
inadvertently insulting her again and her bopping him then. But I can't
see him apologizing and her bopping him anyway.
Sasuki moved along next to his master,
If you must use anime-only characters, at least spell their names
correctly. :p
Kuno and Kodachi glared down at the card and
face faulted.
The card read: "STAY AWAY FROM OUR PARTY!!!
Signed, The Tendos and Saotomes."
Kasumi sent them this? Sorry, that's not believable. I doubt any of the
others would've bothered either, unless they were particularly miffed at
the Kunos for some recent event or other.
//That idiot Ranma,\\ Akane thought as she
stalked onwards toward her house. //He never even
bothered to tell me what he was going to be at the
party as.\\
And this bothers her why? You really need to spend more time developing
character motivations and such.
She looked down at the small invitation in
her hand. It was nice of the Tendo's to invite her
Tendos'
Nodoka smiled in surprise. "Hello, Ranko."
Ranko looked up suddenly, her face fixed in a
rather shocked expression. "Moth... Auntie
Saotome!" She hated doing this, lying to her
mother.
You do know that Nodoka learned the truth in vol. 36, right? Just
checking.
"Principal Kuno spun around in his desk and
Extra stray quote mark.
looked down at the invitation to the Tendo
Halloween Party. "Aloha, it be a party, just like
on da big island!"
He reached into his desk and pulled out a
pair of hair sheers. "And dat mean dat many of my
shears. This fic gets points for not only including da kahuna, but
actually giving him some lines. :)
"I got to find Nabiki Tendo!"
"I have to find..." or "I've got to find..."
"To true." Soun moved his piece. "Gotcha!"
Too
"5,000 yen."
Suggest writing out "Five thousand yen."
She slid out of her dress slowly, letting it
fall from around her hips, down onto the floor. She
removed her bra and reached out to lift of a large
'lift of?' Typo of some sort, I think.
"There. All done." Akane smiled into the
mirror at the final product. All in all, she looked
amazingly like Ranma, only smaller, and more of a
feminine face, even without her makeup.
Does she normally wear makeup? I wouldn't think so.
Despite his best efforts, Ranma suddenly
exploded in a fit of laughter. "I always knew you
were a tom boy, but THIS!! Oh man... oh, it
'Tomboy' is one word.
"I dressed like this to show you that I'm
comfortable with you the way you are, you idiot!"
Akane confessed, clenching her fists tightly. "I
guess you're too stupid to appreciate that, huh?
You know what you are, Ranma? A JERK!!!"
Again, you need more development for this reaction to work. As is, it
comes totally out of left field.
To be honest, there wasn't much about this fic to inspire interest.
Okay, so they're having a halloween party. So what? Nothing in the story
gives any idea of what significant things might happen at the party.
Look at the Takahashi manga for the right way to handle this. When an
event is the subject of the story, there's always some reason shown for
the event to matter to the characters, and hence to the readers. Romeo
and Juliet, for example, wasn't just a school play, it was (supposedly)
a way of getting to China for Ranma, and a childhood dream for Akane.
Also, you need work on developing character motivations and having your
characters react in ways that will make sense to the readers. Just using
stock bits doesn't guarantee that your characters are acting believably.
Takahashi uses stock character bits, but only when they're appropriate,
and so should you.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html