Hmm, my C&C is later than everyone else's. *Cheer*
Okay, okay, I know that's nothing to be proud of. Oh, well, I still have
backlogged fanfics two months old which I intended to C&C...
David A. Tatum wrote:
Well, I was HOPING to come up with a title before posting this, but such is
fate... there are a few bugs with it (it's a little dialog heavy), so I'm
hoping someone out there can suggest how to fix them. Ah, well... here it
is...
Firstly, a very nicely written story on a terrific film. You know about the
dialogue problems and since you requested suggestions on that area, I thought
I'd try a few examples. I have to agree with Andrew on this, it does sound like
it's coming from Moro (the mother mountain dog) rather than from one of her
sons. Anyway, I started a continuation fic of Mononoke when I first saw it,
then abandoned it when I figured no else was likely to have seen the subbed
version (and of course, Disney would be producing a horrible dub of it - but it
looks like I'll be pleasantly surprised: fingers crossed here). But enough of
the background, here are a couple of dialogue snips from that fic.
---
The first-born son of Moro stood in the gathering shadows
of the setting sun. His hot dark eyes settled on the
slumbering forms resting upon the rocky ledge.
San slept, cradled deep within the setting sun's warm
embrace. Until a large shadow blocked the sun's caressing
fingers from the sleeping girl. San growled her
dissatisfaction before coming snappishly awake.
"So, sister, do you plan to repopulate the Moro Clan
single-handedly?"
San flushed furiously as her drowsy eyes slid down
towards the still-sleeping Ashitaka, lying beside her.
"We're just sleeping together. Sleeping! We haven't done
that yet!"
***
"Bah, Ashitaka sometimes complained that having sisters
could be a pain. I think I see what he means."
"Are you comparing the sons of Moro to human females?"
Somehow, the wolf managed to lend an outraged tone to his
gravelly deep voice.
"When you behave like this, yes."
---
As you can see, I have a slightly more playful relationship between San and her
brothers. I guess I've always seen them as being more equal: all of them being
the children of Moro as such. Moro is a wise and ancient being, her sons much
less so. With her death, the decline of the Moro Clan and much of the ancient
world is assured. San herself is pretty much still a child, and you've
portrayed her very nicely indeed.
I know it isn't much but I hope this helps in the dialogue area.
Phil.