C&C Below. Snippage throughout.
"It never hurts to help!"
- Eek the Cat
For those of you unfortunate not to have seen Eek!,
I'll explain the moral of show: It Always Hurts To Help.
[...]
"No buts," Genma said. "We've already called the doctor and
made an appointment. You two are expected at seven
o'clock."
Doctor? ^_^;
GENMA: We're going to surgically attach you two together.
Unable to get separate, you'll HAVE to learn how to
live with each other!
SOUN: Brilliant plan, Genma!
BOTH: Our schools will be united!
[scenes of patricide removed for our more sensitive readers]
[...]
"Hey, no way!" Ranma said firmly. "There just ain't no way
I'm
lettin' some shrink mess around with my head. I got enough
problems as it is!"
DOCTOR: You need to get in touch with your feminine side...
GARY: Huh huh, he said "touch"...
Possible formatting problem, there.
"Don't argue with your elders, boy!" Genma warned sharply.
"As the future heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial
Arts, it's your *duty* to do whatever it takes to make sure
that legacy is secure!"
suggest: As the heir to the
(He's already the heir, not the future heir.)
"What does me being your heir have to do with getting along
better with Akane? Face it, old man, there's no good reason
for me to do this so I ain't going!"
punc: do this, so I
[...]
"He is not my fiancee!" Akane screamed.
AKANE: Hey, he is my fiance, dammit!
RANMA: [blinks]
AKANE: I meant the spelling! There was an extra E.
RANMA: An extra, silent E?
AKANE: Yeah!
RANMA: ...
AKANE: I heard it! I did!
"How are we supposed to work stuff out when she clobbers me
over
every little thing?" Ranma said.
Another formatting glitch.
"Well how else am I suppose to get something through your
thick headed skull?!?"
AKANE: I mean, you won't put anything I give you in your mouth...
"See what I mean? Totally unreasonable!"
"Hmph!" Akane rose to her feet and turned to leave. Ranma
stood up and was about to follow suit when their fathers
tackled them around their waists and began to sob.
punc: follow suit, when
"P-please don't go....!!!" Soun wailed.
"W-We only want what's b-b-best for you two!!!" Genma
sniffled.
Soun I can see wailing, Genma less so (grovelling, yes).
Maybe get rid of the stutter?
[...]
"Uh uh!" Ranma proclaimed with determination. "No way! I
don't care how much you beg! I ain't going and that's it!"
punc: going, and that's it.
[...]
"And you, Father?"
A muffled, vaguely assenting sob came from the direction of
Akane's leg.
What is Soun doing between Akane's le--
[sounds of censoricide removed for our more sensitive readers.]
"Yes, thank you." Akane glowered.
Ranma glared downwards. "Dang it, Pop, I already said I'll
go!"
Genma-Panda grunted as he struggled to reach up to get his
soup while still clinging to his son's waist.
"MODERN THERAPY"
KONATSU: Modern Therapy KISS!
RANMA: That's it; I'm outta here.
(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic)
A combined effort by Megane 6.7 and Gary Kleppe
And lo, the world trembled...
This is a work of Fiction. All Characters and Landmarks are
the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Video, Kitty
Films, Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and anyone else who
legally owns the rights.
cap: characters ... landmarks
DR. HANAWA'S OFFICE
7:03 P.M.
This is a little inconsistent with your use of "PROLOGUE"
and "PART 2" Is this a setting or the chapter title?
[...]
It seemed straightforward enough. A boy and a girl forced
into marriage by their parents and being sent to him so he
could hear their difficulties and try to help them work any
problems out.
suggest: A young couple forced into marriage
or: Two teenaged children
(Keep it consistent with the Doctor thinking
they're a lesbian couple, later.)
The doctor rubbed his tired eyes. He was a little sick of
these type of cases. He wished he could deal with a REAL
psychological challenge instead of these endless martial
disputes.
Would a martial dispute do? "JERK!" "SEXLESS!"
He never approved of arranged marriages,
especially since he had nearly been forced into one
himself. He thought love was better if it bloomed
naturally, with no restrictions or rules to get in the way.
I would assume he wouldn't approve of them if he *hadn't*
been in arranged marriage. (As most arranged marriages
are successful, right?).
If his marriage was bad, can you add a sentence or two
explaining why?
[...]
The door opened, and a short-haired teenage girl entered.
Another followed behind; her hair was braided into a
pigtail, which the first girl used as a rope to drag her
along. They stepped up to stand in front of the doctor's
desk.
suggest: Another was pulled behind
(I assume Ranma's not just following her in, under his own
power. Cause if he is, I would assume Akane would have
noticed the gender problem, sooner.)
suggest: stepped up in front
(I don't think the "to stand" is necessary.)
[...]
The short-haired girl turned to him and bowed respectfully.
"My name is Akane Tendo and this is my fiancee Ranma
Saotome. We're here for an appointment."
punc: Tendo, and this
Do you want to use the feminine "fiancee" or masculine "fiance"
here? They imply different things about Akane's attitude to
Ranma's girl form.
[...]
"May I?" she inquired, gesturing towards it.
"Uh... certainly."
Akane picked it up and, without warning, splashed it over
Ranma. The doctor was about to protest when, to his shock,
he saw that Ranma had changed from a girl into a boy.
DOCTOR: M- My floor! You were supposed to drink it, not
pour it all over my new carpet!
AKANE: But look, Ranma's really a--
DOCTOR: This will have to come out of your fee...
AKANE: But...
DOCTOR: [scrubbing]
[...]
"It's a long story." Akane pulled up a chair in front of
his desk and sat down. A moment later, the boy did
likewise. "But it really doesn't have anything to do with
our problem...."
Well, Akane has just firmly established that she doesn't have
a psych degree... :j
[...]
"I see. Well, how *do* you feel about it, Ranma?" the
doctor asked the boy who once was a girl.
suggest: how do *you* feel
(He was previously talking to Akane, so the emphasis should
be on the subject change.)
"I don't FEEL anything. I just want to go home!" Ranma
moaned.
DOCTOR: You don't feel ANYTHING? Surely that's not the case.
RANMA: Look, just let me outta here. I know what you do it
these places. I've read the fanfics! You're gonna
turn me into a girl and fall in love with--
KUNO: My pig-tailed goddess! At last we are together!
RANMA: [runs off screaming]
[...]
"No, that's all right, Akane. I want you both to feel you
can tell me anything. Since you don't know me, I'm
impartial," the doctor said. "So, tell me, Ranma, how do
you feel about Akane?"
Now you can put the emphasis on "how you *you* feel?"
"Huh?" Ranma suddenly found his face flushing. "Uh, well,
she's okay, I guess. A little on the macho side... and she
blames me for everything that ain't my fault... oh yeah,
and her cooking really needs improvement... I mean, I can't
be eating curry the rest of my life now can I?"
cap: Oh yeah,
(Actually, I think there should be a comma after the "Oh," too.)
[...]
"Well, let's start with your manners! You eat like a pig
and you always manage to make an embarrassing situation
worse! You constantly flirt with other women and you'll go
to any lengths to win a fight when any normal person would
have walked away because it was so stupid! 'Martial Arts
Tea Ceremony?' 'Martial Arts Cheerleading?' Give me a
break! And let's not even get into the time you dressed up
as a playboy bunny to compete with Tusbasa...."
These are good comments by Akane. The flirting comment is
a little weak, though. I like the comment about stupid
martial arts. :)
[...]
"But what really gets me mad is the way you constantly
insult me!" Akane continued angrily. "How do you think I
feel when my own fiance calls me unfeminine in front of
people?"
"What, you think I'd tell this doctor that you're
unfeminine?" Ranma said with a serious face. "Of course I
wouldn't!"
"Really?" Akane's expression softened.
"Sure, after all, he can see it for himself!"
This joke was a little weak. Maybe, "Hey, I don't tell just
anyone you're unfeminine. I wouldn't tell the doc, here."
[...]
Reaching underneath his desk, he pulled out two foam rubber
bats and handed one to Ranma, one to Akane.
I guess that's better than electroshock...
[...]
Mushoko, the receptionist, glanced up from her typing. A
group of people had gathered in the waiting area. "Can I
help you? she asked cheerfully.
punc: help you?" she
[...]
Mushoko looked at her appointment log. "Why, yes, she is.
But they'll be done soon. Would you like to see the doctor
after Mr. Saotome is through?" The teenage girl smiled
politely and shook her head.
What, no appointments necessary? [boggle]
[...]
"Same thing you are, sugar. I'm not letting them force Ran-
chan to marry Akane against his will, even if he wants them
to."
The ever-logical Ukyo...
[...]
"Hey there, Ryoga. You with us on this too?"
punc: on this, too?"
[...]
"Please sign in," Mushoko said brightly. "The doctor will
be with you all shortly."
Mmm. Group therapy. :)
[...]
"Whattaya mean, 'pervert'?!" Ranma cried.
DOCTOR: That's my clinical diagnosis, Miss...ter Saotome.
RANMA: No way!
AKANE: I told you! [self-satisfied grin]
DOCTOR: You'll get your turn, tomboy.
[...]
"He's always jumping over other women!"
Wasn't that Jack? [scratches head]
And wasn't it a candlestick?
suggest: crawling over
or: jumping on
[...]
"I don't! But we *are* engaged! How do you think it makes
me look when my fiancee has another girl every time I turn
around?"
sp: fiance
Doctor Hanawa turned to look directly at Akane. "Let's
examine what you said, Akane. What is it that you've seen
that convinces you of Ranma's infidelity. And are you being
honest with yourself about the scope of the problem? Is it
really *every* time you turn around?"
Wait for it... :j
[...]
Akane got up and refilled her water glass. Hanawa wondered
how in the world she had turned a woman into a cat with
only a splash of water. He decided he really didn't want to
ask. After all, it was his job to project an air of
rationality.
You're failing. Badly.
He looked down at his notepad; the water had spilled on it,
leaving a sizeable wet blotch in the middle of the page.
Opening his desk drawer, he fetched a replacement. For some
reason, his leg felt heavy. He looked down and saw Ranma
firmly attached to it, [...]
DOCTOR: Please stop doing that to my leg.
A voice faintly echoed from outside. "Your turn, sugar."
Ah, sending in others to do her dirty work. :j
[...]
"Leave him alone, you big bully!" Akane snapped, failing to
notice the cup of tea on the doctor's desk until her arm
collided with it and its contents spilled over P-Chan.
This is the same cup of tea that was already poured on
Ranma? I don't recall it being refilled...
[...]
To his surprise, a muscular young man stood where the pig
had been, wearing a bandanna -- and nothing else. Akane had
her hands around the young man's throat but didn't seem to
notice, her attention focused on Ranma. Finally, she
turned, blinking in surprise as she finally noticed the
young man.
"Ryoga?" she said. "What are you doing here?"
Having just read the Yamasen-ken/Umisen-ken storyline, I
think it's safe to say that Akane would be a *little*
bit flustered. After all, she covered her eyes to avoid
looking at Ryu Kumon wearing just his boxers.
[...]
Akane could only gape at Ryoga in confusion. Ranma noticed
this and smirked. "Quit starin', Akane."
Shouldn't he be frowning, rather than smirking?
I mean, she *is* gawking at his rival...
[...]
The doctor watched as the water instantly transformed
Ryoga; he now looked exactly like P-chan. How in the world
could Akane do that? She seemed not to even be paying
attention to the boy-turned-pig, glaring instead forcefully
at Ranma.
Your carefully crafted fantasy of a logical, explainable
world is crumbling before the truth that is Nerima.
[...]
"Hey, like she could anyway," Ranma snorted. "She has like,
ZERO sex appeal."
punc: could, anyway
[...]
"Uh huh. All we'd need to do is stop doing the things that
make us mad at each other. I'd stop hitting you, and you
stop insulting me."
RANMA: But I... I like it when you hit me. [twiddle fingers]
AKANE: You pervert! [WHAM!]
RANMA: Ohhh, yes....
[...]
"You think you're easy to live with, 'dear?' You need to
lighten up. Why do you think I went on all those training
sessions anyway?"
Ooh! [wince]
[...]
"Good morning!" Mushoko said. "Can I help you?"
"We're here for... marriage counseling," the forty-ish
woman reluctantly admitted.
Behind her, a large panda pulled a sign seemingly out of
nowhere that read: WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
Mushoko crossed the name Saotome off her list. "The Doctor
will be with you shortly."
Nice ending. :)
[...]
#fanfic is open every Sunday starting at 3:30 P.M. on the
bachman.newberry.edu channel on IRC. Feel free to join us!
And for that matter, there are gatherings every night.
Come bug the authors to write more often. C'mon, it'll
be fun!
[...]
EPILOGUE
"I'm sorry, sir, the doctor is with a patient," Mushoko
said into the phone. "If you'd like to leave a message,
he'll be happy to return your call."
The doctor's voice carried from within his office. "The
*bats!* For gods' sake, people, USE THE BATS!"
[sounds of Ratiko squeaks, courtesy Ranma 2096, removed
for our more sensitive readers]
Doug
----
Douglas MacDougall "You were nicer when you were evil.
http://www.dougmacd.net/ Cuter, too. Definitely more sexy!"