Sorry it's taken me this long...was out over last weekend, and
then needed a couple of days to catch back up on schoolwork. I really
wanted to do a line-by-line, but I'm already late enough with this
feedback as it is. :)
It's an intriguing start, and I certainly wouldn't mind seeing a
wrap-up on the lives of the people involved Mononoke Hime. (Sure, the
ending of the movie was fine as it was, and some would say that it should
be left up to the imaginations of the viewers--but what is this, other
than getting your imagination down in words? n.n) I particularly liked the
bit of verbal sparring between Eboshi-sama and Ashitaka; it's something I
might have forgotten about had I tried writing a story like this, and you
captured it well, I think.
The weakness I find is with San talking to her wolf-brother.
Namely, it doesn't feel right in the way that he seems to be too wise.
Some of these words, I could hear coming from Moro (and that's Moro, not
Mono, one of your mistakes through the fic). However, from what
(admittedly little) screentime the brothers had, they weren't much as
conversationalists and distributors of insight. "Can we eat him?" or
something to that effect is probably the line that most sticks out in my
mind when I think of their dialogue. n.n;
And it's not necessary, I think, that he be so eloquent to serve
the purpose that he has in your story. I mean, from the mouths of babes
can come important truths, you know? Perhaps it's not so much the wisdom
that does come from the wolf, as the way he says it. I think, he can still
persuade San and tell her things without sounding like a college debate
team member? :)
Anyhow, I'll be looking forward to more of this....
Andrew Huang...Nerdboy@KawaiiMUCK; ICQ UIN: 30809640
http://www.hcs.harvard.edu/~alhuang/
Harvard Anime Society, President
"Mweh. Heh. Heh."