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"It never hurts to help!"
- Eek the Cat
PROLOGUE
"YOU WHAT!?!"
Akane and Ranma looked at their fathers in disbelief at such
an outlandish suggestion.
"We think it would be best for you two." Soun cleared his
throat, then continued. "Since the moment Ranma arrived here, you two
have done nothing but fight and bicker among yourselves. We have
waited for over a year for you two to settle your differences and, sad
to say, we've seen very little improvement in your relationship."
"But, Pop...!"
"No buts," Genma said. "We've already called the doctor and
made an appointment. You two are expected at seven o'clock."
"Dad!" Akane growled with irritation. "Ranma and I don't
need...."
Soun cut her off. "We think you do."
"Hey, no way!" Ranma said firmly. "There just ain't no way I'm
lettin' some shrink mess around with my head. I got enough problems as
it is!"
"Don't argue with your elders, boy!" Genma warned sharply. "As
the future heir to the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts, it's your
*duty* to do whatever it takes to make sure that legacy is secure!"
"What does me being your heir have to do with getting along
better with Akane? Face it, old man, there's no good reason for me to
do this so I ain't going!"
Genma rose to his feet, a look of anger on his face. "You
disrespect your father! My friend Soun has given you and me free
shelter and food for all this time! We owe him for his generosity and
you owe it to your fiancee to try and work out your differences!"
"He is not my fiancee!" Akane screamed.
"How are we supposed to work stuff out when she clobbers me over
every little thing?" Ranma said.
"Well how else am I suppose to get something through your thick
headed skull?!?"
"See what I mean? Totally unreasonable!"
"Hmph!" Akane rose to her feet and turned to leave. Ranma
stood up and was about to follow suit when their fathers tackled them
around their waists and began to sob.
"P-please don't go....!!!" Soun wailed.
"W-We only want what's b-b-best for you two!!!" Genma sniffled.
"Get off me!" Ranma tried to pry his father loose. Akane did
the same with Soun. Neither had much success.
"Dad, please!" Akane exclaimed, frustrated.
"Uh uh!" Ranma proclaimed with determination. "No way! I don't
care how much you beg! I ain't going and that's it!"
* * *
The wonderful smell of fresh miso soup filled the air as Kasumi
gingerly placed a large bowl on the table. "Would you like some soup,
Akane?" she asked with a smile.
"Yes, please."
"And you, Father?"
A muffled, vaguely assenting sob came from the direction of
Akane's leg.
"Yes, thank you." Akane glowered.
Ranma glared downwards. "Dang it, Pop, I already said I'll go!"
Genma-Panda grunted as he struggled to reach up to get his
soup while still clinging to his son's waist.
"MODERN THERAPY"
(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic)
A combined effort by Megane 6.7 and Gary Kleppe
This is a work of Fiction. All Characters and Landmarks are the
property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan Video, Kitty Films,
Viz Video, Shonen Sunday, and anyone else who legally owns the
rights.
DR. HANAWA'S OFFICE
7:03 P.M.
The doctor drummed his fingers on the desk, wondering if
his seven o'clock appointment was going to show up. He carefully
arranged several case files in order of name and then decided to review
his current file again.
It seemed straightforward enough. A boy and a girl forced into
marriage by their parents and being sent to him so he could hear their
difficulties and try to help them work any problems out.
The doctor rubbed his tired eyes. He was a little sick of these
type of cases. He wished he could deal with a REAL psychological
challenge instead of these endless martial disputes. He never
approved of arranged marriages, especially since he had nearly been
forced into one himself. He thought love was better if it bloomed
naturally, with no restrictions or rules to get in the way.
There was a knock at the door. "Come in," the doctor called.
The door opened, and a short-haired teenage girl entered.
Another followed behind; her hair was braided into a pigtail, which the
first girl used as a rope to drag her along. They stepped up to stand
in front of the doctor's desk.
"Uh....Can I help you ladies?" the doctor offered.
The short-haired girl turned to him and bowed respectfully. "My
name is Akane Tendo and this is my fiancee Ranma Saotome. We're here
for an appointment."
The doctor's eyebrows raised in surprise. "D-Did I hear you
correctly?" he stuttered in disbelief. This was the couple he had been
waiting for? A lesbian arranged marriage? That was a new one.
Akane started to speak again then looked over at Ranma and
blushed. "Oh! It's not what it....I mean....!" Akane quickly scanned
the desk and saw a cup of steaming tea. "May I?" she inquired,
gesturing towards it.
"Uh... certainly."
Akane picked it up and, without warning, splashed it over Ranma.
The doctor was about to protest when, to his shock, he saw that Ranma
had changed from a girl into a boy.
"H-How did....." The doctor stammered.
"It's a long story." Akane pulled up a chair in front of his
desk and sat down. A moment later, the boy did likewise. "But it
really doesn't have anything to do with our problem...."
"Y-Your problem?" the doctor replied, still a little shaken
from the abrupt transformation. He straightened up, trying to recover
his professional demeanor. "What can you tell me about it?"
"We're here because our parents forced us to be here," Ranma
stated bluntly.
"I see." The doctor leaned back against his chair. "They sent
you two here, then?"
"They're very stubborn. They want to see us together at all
costs. Regardless of how we feel about it," Akane said with mild
irritation.
"I see. Well, how *do* you feel about it, Ranma?" the doctor
asked the boy who once was a girl.
"I don't FEEL anything. I just want to go home!" Ranma
moaned.
"Ranma!" Akane glared at him.
"No, that's all right, Akane. I want you both to feel you can
tell me anything. Since you don't know me, I'm impartial," the
doctor said. "So, tell me, Ranma, how do you feel about Akane?"
"Huh?" Ranma suddenly found his face flushing. "Uh, well, she's
okay, I guess. A little on the macho side... and she blames me for
everything that ain't my fault... oh yeah, and her cooking really needs
improvement... I mean, I can't be eating curry the rest of my life now
can I?"
"There you go again! Making fun of everything I do! I'm sorry
if I can't cook like Ukyo and Shampoo but at least I'm trying my best!
You always rub my nose in it when it comes to my cooking, my martial
arts, my femininity, everything! What if I made fun of your
shortcomings?"
Ranma snorted. "Like what?"
"Well, let's start with your manners! You eat like a pig and you
always manage to make an embarrassing situation worse! You constantly
flirt with other women and you'll go to any lengths to win a fight when
any normal person would have walked away because it was so stupid!
'Martial Arts Tea Ceremony?' 'Martial Arts Cheerleading?' Give me a
break! And let's not even get into the time you dressed up as a playboy
bunny to compete with Tusbasa...."
"Hey! I do what I can to win, no matter what it takes, because I
don't like to lose!" Ranma replied matter-of-factly.
"But what really gets me mad is the way you constantly insult
me!" Akane continued angrily. "How do you think I feel when my own
fiance calls me unfeminine in front of people?"
"What, you think I'd tell this doctor that you're unfeminine?"
Ranma said with a serious face. "Of course I wouldn't!"
"Really?" Akane's expression softened.
"Sure, after all, he can see it for himself!"
Akane planted her fist firmly in Ranma's face.
"Now, now, please don't use your fists for violence!" the doctor
quickly admonished. "If you want to express your anger, then hit him
with this."
Reaching underneath his desk, he pulled out two foam rubber bats
and handed one to Ranma, one to Akane.
"These don't hurt when you hit someone with them but will
allow you to release your frustrations."
Ranma suddenly stood up straight and repeated, "These bats
won't hurt Akane?"
"Yes."
"No matter how much I hit her with it?"
"Yes."
A strange smile came over Ranma's face as he suddenly stood
up and faced Akane, a wicked gleam in his eye.
"Hehehehe...."
Without warning Ranma whapped Akane across the face with the
foam bat. Akane blinked in surprise but there was no sign of injury as
the doctor promised.
"Payback time!!!" Ranma screamed as he began to pummel her
with the bat.....
PART TWO
"GENMA SAOTOME! What have you done now?!"
Genma did a quick estimation, and realized that there would be
no way to reach the koi pond quickly enough to avoid his wife. "Hello,
dear!" he said nervously.
"Don't you 'Hello dear' me. You've arranged for our son to be
sent to counseling. Why wasn't I consulted? I am his mother, you
know."
"Tendo and I thought it would be best for all involved."
"And where is the honor in depending upon outsiders? As the
head of clan Saotome, the responsibility to oversee the family's
well-being ought to be yours."
"I *am* taking the responsibility." Genma nodded in
self-approval. "Delegation. That's the key to successful leadership."
Nodoka hmphed.
********
Mushoko, the receptionist, glanced up from her typing. A group
of people had gathered in the waiting area. "Can I help you? she asked
cheerfully.
The first of them bowed, causing the giant spatula strapped to
her back to bow along with her. "Ran-chan.... er, Ranma... is he in
there?"
Mushoko looked at her appointment log. "Why, yes, she is. But
they'll be done soon. Would you like to see the doctor after Mr.
Saotome is through?" The teenage girl smiled politely and shook her
head.
The second visitor brushed a tiny piece of lint from her
tight-fitting, high cut Chinese dress. "What spatula girl doing here?"
"Same thing you are, sugar. I'm not letting them force Ran-chan
to marry Akane against his will, even if he wants them to."
"Ranma! How dare you take Akane to a place like this!" the
third one said.
"Hey there, Ryoga. You with us on this too?"
"I think we all agreed. They no get away with this!"
"Please sign in," Mushoko said brightly. "The doctor will be
with you all shortly."
********
"Whattaya mean, 'pervert'?!" Ranma cried.
The doctor spoke calmly. "You called Ranma that before, Akane.
What about his behavior causes you to apply that word to him? What is
it that you'd like him to change?"
"He's always jumping over other women!"
"Hey, that's not fair!" Ranma shot back. "Anyway, why would
*you* care?"
"I don't! But we *are* engaged! How do you think it makes me
look when my fiancee has another girl every time I turn around?"
Doctor Hanawa turned to look directly at Akane. "Let's examine
what you said, Akane. What is it that you've seen that convinces you of
Ranma's infidelity. And are you being honest with yourself about the
scope of the problem? Is it really *every* time you turn around?"
A voice came from beside the doctor. "Nihao, Ranma!" He spun
in his chair to see a very shapely young woman sitting on Ranma's lap,
tightly snuggled up to him.
"Get offa me, Shampoo!" Ranma yelled.
Akane tossed her drinking water at the woman, who instantly
vanished, leaving behind only a cute pink pussycat. "Scat!" she yelled,
as she flung the cat out the door.
Mushoko's voice carried from the reception area. "I'm sorry,
the veterinarian's office is on the second floor."
Akane got up and refilled her water glass. Hanawa wondered how
in the world she had turned a woman into a cat with only a splash of
water. He decided he really didn't want to ask. After all, it was his
job to project an air of rationality.
He looked down at his notepad; the water had spilled on it,
leaving a sizeable wet blotch in the middle of the page. Opening his
desk drawer, he fetched a replacement. For some reason, his leg felt
heavy. He looked down and saw Ranma firmly attached to it, shivering in
fear.
"Oh, sorry about that! He's got a little phobia about cats."
Akane pried Ranma off the doctor and dragged him back over to his chair.
A voice faintly echoed from outside. "Your turn, sugar."
Something small and black flew into the room, landing next to
Akane. "P-chan!" she exclaimed happily.
"What're you doing here, Porky?" Ranma said snidely. "Hey, Doc,
y'know how Akane accuses me of two-timing her? Check this out. This is
what she sleeps with."
Akane folded her arms and hmphed. "Honestly, Ranma. Jealous of
a housepet?"
Standing on the table next to Hanawa, P-chan gritted his teeth
and growled at Ranma. Akane smiled at her pet's attempt to protect her
and scooped him up in her arms, cuddling him to her bosom. "Don't let
him bother you, P-Chan," she cooed gently.
"H-Hey! Don't touch her THERE, you perverted pig!" Ranma lunged
forward, but Akane swung P-chan away from him.
"Leave him alone, you big bully!" Akane snapped, failing to
notice the cup of tea on the doctor's desk until her arm collided with
it and its contents spilled over P-Chan.
"Ranma, might you be making a false association here? You seem
to think of Akane's pet here as if he were your competition. Perhaps
you ought to re-examine your perception of her relationship with P-chan
versus hers with you. P-chan, after all, is not a human being." The
doctor scribbled on his notepad and then looked up at Ranma for his
reaction.
To his surprise, a muscular young man stood where the pig had
been, wearing a bandanna -- and nothing else. Akane had her hands
around the young man's throat but didn't seem to notice, her attention
focused on Ranma. Finally, she turned, blinking in surprise as she
finally noticed the young man.
"Ryoga?" she said. "What are you doing here?"
"A-Akane? Uh...this isn't....I mean...." Ryoga blushed several
shades of red as he concealed his exposed body behind the couch. "I'm
being treated by the doctor here for... uh..."
"Compulsive public nudity?" Ranma offered.
"Uh, yeah. NO! Shut up, Ranma!"
Akane could only gape at Ryoga in confusion. Ranma noticed this
and smirked. "Quit starin', Akane."
"Huh? Hey! I am not!" Akane spun around to face Ranma, now
blushing as furiously as Ryoga.
"Geez, Akane. Do you always gawk at naked guys? First me, and
now Ryoga?" Ranma teased, chuckling to himself. "I guess guys like us
are just too much man for ya, huh?"
"Why you....!" Akane raised her water glass. "If you're too
much man, that's easy to fix." Ranma ducked as she flung a stream of
water towards him; it arced over his head, hitting Ryoga instead.
The doctor watched as the water instantly transformed Ryoga; he
now looked exactly like P-chan. How in the world could Akane do that?
She seemed not to even be paying attention to the boy-turned-pig,
glaring instead forcefully at Ranma.
"Akane..." Hanawa returned as best he could to his calm,
detached manner. "That was meant for Ranma, wasn't it."
Akane nodded somewhat reluctantly.
"I'm trying to help the two of you work out your problems, but I
need a little cooperation from the two of you. You mustn't turn your
fiance into an animal."
"Hey, like she could anyway," Ranma snorted. "She has like,
ZERO sex appeal."
Akane reached for the nearest object, which was one of the foam
bats, and struck Ranma over the head with it. Ranma picked up another
of them and retaliated.
Hanawa sighed, as his two clients erupted into an all-out foam
battle. Such were the things that relationship counselors had to deal
with. Still, the occasional fight was preferable to dealing with
full-blown psychoses.
New voices came from the reception area.
"OHOHOHOHOHO!!!!! Where are you, Ranma darling?"
"Akane Tendo! I come anon to free you from the foul influence
of the sorcerer Ranma Saotome!"
Two more teenagers ran into the room, and general chaos erupted.
A boy in a kendo gi attacked Ranma while attempting to embrace Akane. A
girl in a leotard did the reverse. Ranma and Akane seemed only
interested in fending them both off, switching to fists when the bats
were found to be ineffective. Hanawa just ducked out of the way.
"Doctor?" Mushoko called from the reception desk. "Should they
be charged group rates for this?"
********
Ranma and Akane walked home through the darkened evening
streets.
"What a nuthouse," Ranma said.
"You said it." Akane sighed exhaustedly. "Imagine our fathers
thinking that we need psychological counseling. That's crazy."
"Yeah, really. I mean, if we were gettin' married -- which we
ain't -- I don't think we'd have any problems that we wouldn't be able
to figure out ourselves."
"Uh huh. All we'd need to do is stop doing the things that make
us mad at each other. I'd stop hitting you, and you stop insulting me."
"Right, that'd work. Like I'd want to insult an uncute macho
chick like you anyway."
Stopping, Akane picked up a convenient garbage can lid and
whacked Ranma over the head with it.
Ranma continued walking. "Simple, really."
"Yeah." Akane followed. "No need to make a big deal out of it."
"No need at all."
********
Akane and Ranma came into their home to the sounds of heated
discussion.
"You have failed in your duties to me, both as husband and as
father of my son. What kind of man are you, Genma Saotome?"
"You think you're easy to live with, 'dear?' You need to
lighten up. Why do you think I went on all those training sessions
anyway?"
"How dare you?! Irresponsible lazy oaf!"
"Self-important shrew!"
The two teenagers said nothing as Genma and Nodoka noticed them.
They just stared, unyielding in their gazes.
It was payback time.
********
"Good morning!" Mushoko said. "Can I help you?"
"We're here for... marriage counseling," the forty-ish woman
reluctantly admitted.
Behind her, a large panda pulled a sign seemingly out of nowhere
that read: WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT.
Mushoko crossed the name Saotome off her list. "The Doctor will
be with you shortly."
********
This project came out of some discussions on #fanfic a year or so ago.
Originally we each wrote half of the fic. Sending it to the FFML, we got
some excellent commentary from Keener, but due to other projects the
work of revising this story kept getting put off. Until now.
#fanfic is open every Sunday starting at 3:30 P.M. on the
bachman.newberry.edu channel on IRC. Feel free to join us!
-- Gary and Megane
Gary's fics and other stuff
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html
Megane's MSTs
http://freehosting1.at.webjump.com/96e3d9265/sv/svhp-webjump/megane.html
Megane's fics
http://freehosting1.at.webjump.com/32b730053/sv/svhp-webjump/megfics.html
EPILOGUE
"I'm sorry, sir, the doctor is with a patient," Mushoko said
into the phone. "If you'd like to leave a message, he'll be happy to
return your call."
The doctor's voice carried from within his office. "The *bats!*
For gods' sake, people, USE THE BATS!"