Alrighty, now the story here is interesting and I can't say too much
about it in plot sense because it was a short introduction to the main
story. The characters are in chracter for the brief glimpses we get of
them, and hopefully they'll stay that way through the reest of theis
little arc.
About the only thing I can comment on, and I think it does need to be
addresssed are the few issues I have with the style.
The story is succinct. it flows logically from one scene to the next and
nothing jumps out at me as out of place. The action movesaong at a well
placed rate, although i prefer more detail it is not necessary,
especially if you think it weight down the story.
ZReally I have two things to state about the story, the first is a
caveat, and the other is a style issue.
First the caveat. I will not tell you that writing in present tense is
wrong, I prefer to term it dangerous. It can be done,a nd it can be done
very well. Present tense gives a story a sense of immediacy, but it also
comes with pitfalls. When reading a story, people will realize something
is wrong if it is in present tense. Sometimes they'll catch it quick,
and soemtimes they won't. either way, it will detract from the reading
because they'll be wondering why the story is in present tense.
Generally, present tense is used for a specific reason, in order to
convey a specific message or theme. Unless you are doing that i would
suggest using the standard past tense. However, since you ahve written 6
other parts already, I doubt that will be feasible. Instead make sure
you triple check your work so that all tense issues are resolved. You
don't want to be jumping from present to past to future passive perfect
tenses with regularity, okay so the last one is a logn shot, but do you
see what I mean? Use present tense, it is different, and it will give
the story its own style, but be very carefully with it, and there willbe
many sticklers who will dislike the story simply for that reason.
Second, style. Okay, when I read a story, and when most people read,
they do not want to read subject-verb-direct object a thousand times ina
row. It brings up that unsightly nausea that accompanies Dick and Jane
books and the USA Today.
Sentence variety is the spice of life, or at least reading. You do not
speak in simple sentences on the street. In truth, complex sentences are
more common in a conversation simply because conversational rules are
more relaxed, adn you are trying to say more ina single breath. The way
you constantly use subject-verb-direct object gives me the feeling liek
i am reading off a punch list.
1. Genma has a dream
2. The girl is drowning
3. Genma does nothing
4. the girl drowns.
5. Genma wakes up in a sweat.
6. Genma tries to wake Ranma up.
7. Ranma refuses hsi father.
8. Genma gets really pissed off.
9. Genma then splashes Ranma.
10. Ranma is now really pissed off.
11. They jump out the window.
12. They fight.
OPkay,so that is an extreme hyperbole, but you must varry sentences.
Many of your sentences have phrases and subclauses in them, they are
just always tagging along at the end. Put a few in the begging. Add some
gerunds to start the sentence out. Use some introductory prepositional
clauses, anyhting to break up the 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6... set of simple
sentences ina row. In the long run ti will make the story flow smoother
and with less bumps and contusions as the reader screams in frustration.
Trust me, too many readers have already died screaming "Prepare to die,
vile simple sentence!" er.. maybe not, but I hope this helps a little.
Keep up the good work, the story does interest me.
Until Next time
Joseph A. Kohle