"Fardoche Trevelian" <fardochet@hotmail.com> wrote:
This is a first draft I came up with. It's not permanent and may change. I
will say more about all the details when I am ready, but here is a resume of
the story: a vampire lord recognize in Ms. Hinako, a chi-sucking teacher at
Furinkan High, his long-dead wife.
Arrrgh!!!
PLEASE don't give out major spoilers like this. I *really* would've
liked to be surprised by the Hinako connection as the story progressed.
Somewhere in Nerima, during the night.
???: Why are they opposing me? I died long before they were born, yet they
refuse to pledge allegiance to me. Oh well? Let them have it their way?
Please convert your ellipses to standard ascii dots (...)
It doesn't matter and, frankly, I don't care. I will crush them like the
miserable insects they are. My love, I will avenge you and purge the planet
of those humans!!!
>From his perch on a rooftop, he looked down and he saw his first victim: a
young woman about sixteen with rich purple hair.
Your point of view here is wandering around like a Hibiki family
reunion. Your first paragraph uses an omniscient narrator, the second is
first person, the third is a limited third person (Mr. Vamp's POV), and
the following one (quoted below) seems to be a limited third person
Shampoo POV.
While there's nothing wrong with changing POV within a story, IMO you'd
get a more readable and engaging story if you were a little more
consistent. For more on the subject, you might want to look at
<http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/fanfic/povessay.txt>
A damp, wet Shampoo was angrily stalking home. After trying to snare Ranma
with a "special" ramen at the Tendo dojo, she got wet (i.e.: thrown in the
pond by an angry Akane). She had the hardest time of her life finding hot
water (by sneaking in a bathroom on her way back). She was trying to find a
way to deal with that accursed pervert girl, when she felt a chill in the
air. She just had time to turn her head to see a dark blur rushing toward
her. She was struggling to get free, but the creature was too strong.
Then, she looked at the creature face to see a very pale face with glowing
red eyes. Her struggle abruptly stopped when she looked at the creature
eyes, only to her will annihilated.
You're rushing through this scene far too quickly. This has some good
possibilities for drama if you slow it down, describe it in some detail
moment by moment to build up some suspense. As is, the action is
resolved before we even have a chance to worry about what might happen.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html