It was a perfect moment. Too bad it had to me spoiled
by a high pitched scream.
This is really stilted prose. The 'Too bad' statement creates the
disconcerting effect of seperating Kasumi's POV from the narrative.
"You're going to have to start wearing a condom�"
Ranma is telling this to Ryouga?
Ranma's voice failed him. This was crazy. Why did he
have to say this? It wasn't like they were lovers.
Only a few times after battle when they found the only
real way to conquer each other. They'd struggle for
dominance� for control of the other.
This really doesn't wash. There's no good reason for Ranma and Ryouga to
treat intercourse like that; Ranma gets violent when guys get fresh with him
and Ryouga feels dirty from being kissed on the mouth. If you're going to
write a Ranma + Ryouga scenario, you have to work hard at building it!
"Ryouga� I�" Ranma couldn't think what to say.
"Do you?" Ryouga asked.
Ranma bowed his head in acceptance.
"Then why did you seduce me?" Ryouga demanded.
"I wanted to know how to�" Ranma half muttered. "Why
did you let me?" he countered.
"I wanted to know how to� too." Ryouga sighed.
This is actually pretty good dialouge. Concise and to-the-point. The reader
can fill in facial expressions and feelings, and the flow of a dramatic
moment is kept intact.
"You don't deserve her."
"Neither do you."
"I hate you."
"No you don't."
But this is a little corny.
This little fic isn't really all that bad, but it's missing the best
part--building a believable relationship between Ranma and Ryouga and
working out the challenges a relationship like that entails. Just having
them get nekid with each other is like skipping dinner and going straight
for desert; it's ruins your appetitie.
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