Some random notes, general comments at the end.
I posted this twelve hours ago and it STILL hasn't
shown up yet.
You should wait longer than that. This is a big list, and it's
sluggish at times.
Kasumi ran to the water closet. Her morning of
peaceful solitude had been broken by the wail. Her
family joined her in front of the water closet door.
"Water closet" sounds distincly Western. I'm not sure what they
generally call the bathroom in Japanese, but this term seems out of place.
'Bathroom' would work just as well.
She was relieved to find the screamer hadn't been one
of her sisters. As much as she cared for the entire
household her sisters held a higher priority in her
heart. After all, she was practically their mother.
No... her sisters were safe and staring at the door as
intently as she was. There was only one other female
in the household and that was... "Ranma-san, are you
alright?"
Lots of choppy sentences so far, especially in that opening
paragraph. Try joining them together and trimming the repeated words.
The door answered by clicking as it unlocked.
The conversation with the "door" was a nice touch to the scene,
though it might have been a bit overdone.
Akane opened the door and braced herself to anything
Ranma's problem may be. "What's wrong?" she asked the
redhead sitting beside the toilet. She tried to avert
her eyes from the bizarre spectacle.
What bizzare spectacle? This scene is hard to visualize, not that I
really want to...
Ranma looked to the crumpled boxers on the floor. An
unvoiced thought of, "Why did it have to happen to
me?" ran over and over in her head.
Awkward sentence.
Akane noticed Ranma's mood as they walked to Dr.
Tofu's clinic. "Don't worry, Ranma. It's all a part
of being a woman." Akane tried to silence the
thoughts that screamed at her. "What is he's too
woman now?" "Shut up!" her inner voice screamed back.
"What is he's too woman now?"
Ranma was strangely quiet the whole way to the clinic.
Her brain repeated Akane's words about being a woman.
What if it was true? What if she had allowed himself
to be a woman? Her body affected his spirit, which in
turn reaffirmed her body and made it... That's silly.
Why would his soul be an issue? She let him touch
her... Ranma shook her head free of the thought. She
had enjoyed it when he touched her... "Shut up," Ranma
told herself sternly. Rivalry enflames passion... There
is nothing more seductive than a rival is... Seduced
into being a woman... "Shut up!" Ranma screamed in her
head. "You don't know what you're talking about."
Luckily they reached Dr. Tofu's clinic so Ranma didn't
have to listen to the voices inside her head.
While the meaning of this passage became clearer later, it was still
more confusing than intriguing at first reading.
"You're going to have to start wearing a condom..."
0.0
Ranma's voice failed him. This was crazy. Why did he
have to say this? It wasn't like they were lovers.
Only a few times after battle when they found the only
real way to conquer each other. They'd struggle for
dominance... for control of the other. Ranma refused to
believe that he could be bested in anything and that
included lovemaking. The first time had been
unplanned and a complete accident... well... not really.
Ryouga's devotion to Akane bothered Ranma to no end.
If anyone should be devoted, it was he. He was...
kindof. His own ignorance of sex before had kept him
innocent of what his other fianc�es wanted with him.
He had spent ten years training with his father... How
was he supposed to know what girls wanted? All that
changed with Akane. He wanted to know what she would
want. He was a martial artist and the best way to
acquire knowledge was to do it. He couldn't train
with any of his other fianc�es because that was wrong.
The only option open to him was to learn firsthand as
a female. But why Ryouga, his arch rival? The truth
was... He never really was a rival in Ranma's eyes.
Ryouga was the closest Ranma had to a male best
friend. Usually they got along fine except when
anything involved Akane. Another reason Ranma decided
on Ryouga was his over enthusiasm for Akane. If his
lust could be curbed... No such luck. He was just as
much in love with Akane, but now he had the guilt of
adultery and that didn't improve his view of Ranma.
WhooooaaaK. While your basic premise is interesting, it's revealed
too rapid-fire here. Radical changes like this are more easily digested in
smaller pieces. As it is, this story just went way over my head.
"We were never..." His words were cut off by Ranma's
lips on his own. They were so full of passion for
life. Something he always admired... He couldn't stop
himself. He couldn't resist the battle. "I can make
you beg for release, Ranma. I still have power over
you." His instincts told him to hold the other to
himself and allow the pleasure to come... But someone
was watching them.
Ranma felt Ryouga tense. He opened his eyes and saw a
look of shock on the other's face. Ranma turned to
see what Ryouga was looking at.
"Ranma... Ryouga?" Akane's voice queried. "I heard
voices on the roof and I came to see. What are you
two doing?"
(To be continued? What do you think?)
It's a wild idea, but the backstory exposition should be a little
clearer and better paced. If you can solidly establish the reasons for the
characters acting in such a manner, the continuation would be interesting.
-patrick