For a guy who never spams, writes a ton of fics, and never gets public
C&C, I've got to make mention of this. Matthew Maddocks wrote:
Thought I was dead, wished I was dead, but I will never yield! I
will write things and post them to this list until I'm kicked off. I
will write original stories until I die or their banned here!
Well here's my latest fic, nothing spectacular, just my first Sci-Fi
fic ever. I hope you send C&C on it, or at least read it. It's the least
dark fic I have ever written or ever will. So enjoy!
SEND C&C please. I will even except flames! *_*
A strange opening. Not sure whether he's about to die for his beliefs or
get commited to an asylum.
Chapter 1: Grim Reaper
The year is 2186. Mankind has developed true space travel, with the
ability to go just beyond the speed of light. With the ability to create
air, water and gravity, they could now truly explore space.
Just beyond the speed of light? Interstellar travel's out considering
the distances involved. And how are they getting around the
conservatioon of Matter and Energy prinicple?
And so the people of Earth colonized planet's and moons in the solar
Don't start a sentence with an 'And'
and change too 'the planets'
system. Every planet except for Mercury that is, due to intense heat and
unpredictable conditions.
And so then came the political problems. There was a civil war from
Did it again.
2132-2136, where Earth Government fought a faction called the Outer
Republic. Finally, after six years, the war ended with a stalemate, and
no comma
a peace treaty. The Outer Republic controlled the planet's of Pluto,
Neptune, Uranus, Jupiter and Saturn. While Earth government got a hold
comma after Juptier
of Mars, Earth, Venus and Mercury.
And so in this year, 2186, the story begins..........
Stop doing that! And add a better division here between info and actual
text.
In the deepness of space there was a space station. It was a
spinning sphere, massive in size. Big enough to sustain over five
thousand people. It orbited the moon around Earth. Blue and white colors
were spread across the station, showing that it was most likely a Earth
Government space station. And this was confirmed by the large yellow
stars painted on the station in a circular shape.
No starting sentences with 'And' The description doesn't seem to flow at
all. The sentences are all structured the same way, the descriptions are
all the same. Add a little variety.
A ship head up toward's the station. It was painted a dark gold
yellow, with red stripes all over it. The ship was shaped like two
cylinders with one cylinder on top of it. The ship received a signal
from the station. "Republic ship Alexander. This is Galaxy 1. You have
clearance to dock."
New paragraph starting with "Repulbic...
And so the ships docking engine's came on suddenly in blue jets of
Arg! Stop it!
fire. It moved slowly toward's the space station but was interrupted by
another ship.
You need to expand the vocab used in this fic. You use the basic colors
and words too much.
Out of no where appeared a small ship about a third the size of the
Alexander. It was shaped like a scythe blade and painted all black. On
the top was written these words in blood red, "Death."
On the top was written the word, "Death" in a bloody crimson.
The ship opened fire in crimson beams of energy. The Alexander and
galaxy 1 had no time to defend, and therefore were destroyed in only
Galaxy 1....to defend themselves and were...
seconds. Explosions were heard and seen from miles upon miles away.
Change this sentence to active tense.
After the explosion had stopped the hip vanished again, leaving only
wreckage behind........
Explosions don't go on that long, only a few seconds. and no long
mutated ellipse, just a period.
A figure stood in front of a table. Pointing toward's a display
towards
screen that showed a freeze frame of the black ship.
This sentence has no subject.
The room was cube shaped, and rather large. In the middle was a
no comma
rectangular, black, wood table, seating three people who were watching
wooden table which sat three people. They were watching
the screen intently.
One man, the man on the left, was wearing a black uniform which
One man, the one on the left,
resembled a business suit greatly. It had a red circle on the top right
greatly resembled a business suit. word order.
hand corner of the shirt showing he was the Ambassador from the Outer
Republic. He had short black hair and dark brown eyes which matched his
clothes perfectly. The man's name was Allen Morair.
Again, stilted description.
The middle man was rather chubby. He wore the same black uniform as
the other man, except it had a red circle in the top right corner of his
The other guy had a red circle in the top right hand corner of his shirt
too.
shirt. He had pale skin and blue eyes with rather long blond hair. He
was Phillip Andrew's, president of the Outer Republic.
Andrews, ...
And finally, the person to the far right was a short, skinny, pale
Stop it. No more 'and' sentences for you.
man. He had dark green eye's and light brown hair which was very well
eyes
kept. He wore a blue uniform which much resembled the Outer Republic's
uniform that resembled the one worn by the Outer Republic very much.
uniform. But rank was shown by the pip's on his collar. He had just a
Opening a sentence with 'but' predisposes the sentence to a contrast.
You don't have one here.
long gold bar showing he was Andrew Laymore, President of Earth
Government.
maybe try ...the Earthian Government. Just 'Earth Government' isn't
working.
The man standing in front of the screen looked down at the people
sitting and frowned. "This was all that our long range satellite's
picked up. This mystery fighter, it a danger to both Earth Government
and the Outer Republic."
Phillip frowned as he looked over at the President of the Earth
change a frowned. Too close to another frowned.
Government. "And why should I believe that you are not behind this
mister president?"
Mr. President or Mister President
Andrew quickly shot up from his chair and slammed his fist on the
table. "That's insane! You filthy bastard! You probably own that damn
ship out there!"
Ah. Ultra stereotypical politicians. To bad that's how they actually act
sometimes.
Phillip quickly retaliated. "My ship! It's most likely your ship! We
more likely
lost the Alexander and the two hundred crew member's on board!"
"And I lost Galaxy 1! That had over four thousand people on it! We
lost way more then you did!"
Thought the Galaxy 1 had five thousand?
Phillip sighed and crossed his arms, maybe this man was telling the
truth. "Well if that's not your ship, and if it's not out ship. In
theory, who's would it be?"
That change in tone was rather abrupt.
Andrew looked at the floor then back at the display screen. "A
terrorist groups new weapon perhaps. Or a political faction. There is a
long list of people who wouldn't mind declaring a war on both the
Republic and Earth Government."
That one too.
"But the ability to make a ship invisible both the scanners and to
the eye, is beyond imaginable. How could we fight something like that?"
We nuke it!
The Republic Ambassador looked down at what looked like a watch for
a second and then brought his head back up. "Ah, Mister president, there
are important matter's of state to attend to."
President matters
Phillip nodded and stood up. He bowed towards Andrew and then left,
followed by the Ambassador. Before he left he said, "Glad to be here.
Maybe we'll talk some other time soon. Good day President
Laymore."...........
This dialogue is really out of context and character. And kill that
weird ellipsey thingy.
Andrew walked into his finely decorated room and sighed. Another day
of political battles over, and many more left to go.
no comma
Looking over a the white walls decorated with amazingly beautiful
pictures depicting any number of things. Each one of the paintings were
like what?
one of a kind and priceless in every sense. Even the Mona Lisa was
there.
more description.
Moving over to the end of the room he slumped onto his elegant bed.
It was done in fine oak over three hundred years old. The mattress and
covers were the finest material in the world, and were coloured blue.
no comma
He didn't have much time before his relaxation was interrupted. He
interrupted by what?
turned on his light and walked over to the right end of the room where
right from who's perspective?
there was a mirror and a cabinet attached to it. On top of this was a
small, blue panel with a black screen about five centimeters long.
Quickly turning it on he saw the image of the Minister of Defense, a
Mister Eric Matthew's. "Sorry to disturb you President. But there is a
matter of great importance to discuss. It's about Mars colony."
the Mars
"What is it Minister?" Andrew asked in a little annoyed tone. It was
not good to interrupt the little leisure time the President had.
"Well, ah, Sir. Mars colony, has, kinda. Well how can I put it. An
hour ago Mars colony declared, independence from Earth Government. All
ships created and run by Mars colonist have pulled back into space
...by Martian colonists...
around their planet. And all ships owned by the Earth Colonies have been
forced back into Earth space. But all Republic ships are still in Mars
colony's space. Very weird."
No that was insane, Mars colony declaring independence. Whatever the
No, that was insane. Martian colonists declaring independence? What the
hell had possessed them to do that?
hell possessed them to do that? "Patch a transmission through to Jupiter
Prime. I would like a talk with The Republic president."
President."
"Right away sir!" And then the mans image disappeared from the
man's
screen. Leaving Andrew waiting for the transmission.......
no funky ellipsey thingy.
Needs lots of work. You should reread everything before you post it.
Since you're using a cliche opening, you'll need to have something else
as a hook. Perhaps truely wierd characters?
Miashara