"David Lindquist" <bgcrisis@rma.edu> wrote:
Hi, my name is Ranma Saotome. I was asked by the archive keeper
of the tribe to write about what happened to me during the
beginning of Zoude side ren(Dead men walking), when the dead
Question here... is he writing this in Chinese, or in Japanese? If the
former, there's really no reason for him to list the Chinese name.
Also (and you do this several times in what follows) put a space before
the parenthesis: ren (Dead
Anyway, the first time I heard anything about it was at school. One
of the guys, Shiro, had a satellite dish and was telling us about
what he saw on some of the channels from America. There was mass
rioting along the eastern seaboard. According to the news reports
he saw, some of the rioters were actually eating other people. None
of the people at school believed him(me included). At least until
that night when the news began airing some of what he had said. By
the next morning Nabiki Tendo, one of my fiancee's older
sisters, had already bought the rights to whatever
news Shiro learned and was selling it at a premium prices.
news Shiro had learned and was selling it at a premium price.
How'd she manage to keep a monopoly on it, BTW? What's to stop Shiro
from blabbing it to everyone for free?
I had just started an advanced kata in the dojo when, Akane
ran in. She said that Master Happosai(yes, THAT Happosai) wanted
Yes, he's famous in Amazon legend... :)
At that point, curiosity got the better of me and I decided to
see what the little, old creep wanted.
'little old' is a standard expression, so I wouldn't put a comma. It's
really a two-word adjective rather than two adjectives.
Walking into the main room, me and Akane saw everyone huddled
Should properly be 'Akane and I,' but this is probably Ranma's mistake
rather than yours.
"No, he is not. " Happosai took a puff on his pipe. "Watch.
They are going to play a tape from Canada. I've seen it before
but I wish they hadn't interrupted the ' Aerobics for
Young Women' show."
This is a reasonable thing for Happosai to say, but the particular
phrasing of it is a little clumsy. Try to make the dialog flow more
naturally.
A few minutes later, they showed it. It began with what
looked like a city street except there were no people
around. Then I noticed that most of the buildings, they
appeared to be local shops, had their display windows
shattered.
I'd punctuate this as
buildings -- they appeared to be local shops -- had
Doesn't quite read right as written.
The others didn't say anything but I caught a glimpse of
Akane's other sister, Kasumi, absently playing with a cross
she wore around her neck.
Um... actually, Kasumi was shown wearing a cross only once, and that was
on a splash page -- the kind of page on which you can see things like
Nabiki with demon wings manipulating Ranma and Akane puppets, Ranma
dressed up as a catgirl, etc. So I'd say that the cross was there just
to indicate that the story in question is a "Saint Kasumi" story.
I turned back to the TV just in time to see the man start
to move towards the camera. He kinda looked like Gos except for the foaming
Just a sec here... Ranma's writing this for the Amazons, isn't he?
Unless they're going to meet him in your story, this description isn't
exactly going to mean anything to them. The average Amazon would have no
idea what Gosunkugi looks like.
I put my hands on her shoulders and looked into her eyes.
"They won't touch you..."
"Ranma..." she replied as she stared back with those
brown eyes.
" 'cause why would any zombie want to eat a uncute, muscle-bound
tomboy like you anyway?"
You know, I think I really did deserve the pounding she gave
me for that remark.
He he he! Funny scene, and very much in character for both of them.
Looks interesting so far. Please continue. :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html