"DB Sommer" <sommer@3rdm.net> wrote:
Blind Man's Bluff
As opposed to the chapter where Mousse leaves the house without
realizing he had no clothes on....
So it was that the huge glass window to the bank's lobby shattered in a
loud crash, which caused all of the customers, tellers, and security guards
to throw themselves on the ground and cover their heads. The cacophony
continued as the loud impact of the race car, that had driven through the
window, landed on the tiled floor and skidded across it.
You don't need either of the commas there.
One of the bank tellers nearest to the car stood and spoke up. "Sir, I'm
afraid the drive-thru is located on the other side of the bank."
Heh. I suggest writing out 'through,' though. It's not THAT much more
typing. :)
"Oh. Sorry about that." The driver began to sit down, then slapped himself
in the helmet and stood up once again. "This is a stick up! Nobody move or
As a noun, this is hyphenated: stick-up.
"Hey! You're Speed Racer!" one of the customer's said as he got up off the
customers (no ')
Just as he finished shouting, the trunk to the 'Stuntmobile,' flung open
Comma before flung shouldn't be there.
Stuntmaster looked on in shock at the two stowaways. "Spridal! Chim Chim!
What the hell are you doing here?"
I think his name is spelled 'Spridle,' though I could be wrong.
Spridal gave in okay sign to his brother. "Me and Chim Chim wanted to help
gave an
"Can I have your autograph, Mr. Racer?" the security guard asked, pen and
a piece of bank stationary in hand.
stationery (the word you wrote means 'not moving;' which is probably
true, but....)
"What are you talking about?" the red garbed adventures asked in obvious
red-garbed adventurer
A billy club met his helmet in the second time. "My name is Daredevil!
Daredevil!"
Now Speed's going to be addressing him as 'Daredevil Daredevil.'
The touch of a different button caused twin buzzsaws to extend from their
concealed positions in the front of the car. The Mach 5 only slowed down
slightly as the saws tore through the police cars like they were composed
of paper meche. Stuntmaster laughed hard as he sped past the scene of
That's papier mache, I believe.
destruction, looking back over his shoulder so that he could enjoy the
carnage one last time before leaving its sight. It was as he was still
admiring his handiwork, that the sounds from the backseat began.
Extraneous comma. You may also wanna simplify this to 'As he was
still... handiwork, the sounds...'
"It can't be helped," Stuntmaster replied as he turned to cut through the
downtown section of Tokyo. The nearest hideout was located no more than
twenty miles away from their current position. Barring the police somehow
having stumbled onto the hideout, they were home free. The only thing that
truly worried Stuntmaster at that point was Daredevil. By swinging from
building to building, and due to the slower speed of the Mach 5 from the
blown out tire, there was an offhand chance he might cause problems again.
To make his path harder to follow, Stuntmaster went down a series of side
streets and alleys. True, it would slow him down further, but losing
Daredevil would make it all worth while. He continued down several others
worthwhile (1 word)
The sound of a car crashing into an alleyway wall, resounded throughout the
Extraneous comma.
The sound of sirens became louder as several police cars pulled into the
mouth of the alleyway. He could feel the warmth of the sun on his skin, and
knew it almost finishing setting. Deciding to allow the authorities to mop
knew it was almost finishing, or knew it had almost finished
Funny comic relief scene. Rather more silly than this series has been so
far. I certainly don't mind, but I hope the series doesn't lose its
serious side. Also hope to see more of this. :)
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html