Phil <kagami@jeack.com.au> wrote:
C&C are my opinions and suggestions only. Feel free to ignore anything I say.
So... how about that weather we've been having lately?
Formatting problems - line length.
Yeah. Somehow my mailer got mis-set. I'll post a correctly-formatted
version as soon as I've gone through all the corrections.
Initial Reactions:
Weird, different, unusual - these are good things. :)
^_^
Suddenly, there were no more ghosts. Akane was embedded in the cave wall, a piece of fruit in a jello mold.
suggest: wall, like a piece
Hmmm. Will consider. The explicit 'like' probably is a good idea in
fantasy-esque stories where people really *can* turn into pieces of
fruit. :)
Youth, as they say. is wasted on the young.
that should be a comma for the first full stop
Will fix.
so who was Ucchan's husband?
Basically anyone you want (other than the other people listed, of
course). Could be any of the other regulars, a one-shot character or
someone not from the manga at all. I wrote this so that it could serve
as a possible future for not only my own Hearts and Minds, but many
other continuation fics as well.
have called them crazy. Maybe okonomiyaki is the secret to long life, eh, Ran-chan?
Ranma: "Darn, I should've hung out for more of those freebie meals, Ucchan."
Ukyo: "Bah. I'd have taken IOUs."
Ahhhh, fanfic cliche. :)
"I'm giving myself the day off." I smirked. "My staff is better at dealing with yuppies than I am anyhow."
the 'than I am' seems redundant
suggest: "My staff's better at deal with yuppies anyhow."
Yeah, you're probably right.
"Me too," I said. "I guess he couldn't bear being away from Akane. It really hit him hard when she passed away."
"Yes, I know." Her voice dropped to a mumble. "Can't leave without her."
Hmm. I know this is a device to get the ball rolling, but it read as a bit abrupt to me.
in fact, I thought it was an error the first time I read it: "Couldn't live without her."
it just needs a little more flow, IMO
I see what you mean. Will try to improve this bit.
Um. Factories... in the Bayankala Ranges... Maybe in Xining but not near the Amazon village.
Well, I didn't mean to imply heavy industry... maybe 'sweatshops' would
be a better term.
Wait, who's she telling the story to at this point? And why does the story continue on? Kinda reminds me of those Star Trek logs which are made in real time without any sign of a recorder or actors
moving their mouths. :)
Heh. She's talking to herself, really... which is what she was actually
doing throughout the story.
Questions/Comments:
* So, Akane was soulless when she was alive?
Not really, no. Her spirit was connected to Jusenkyo, but also to her
own physical body -- just as the spirit of the drowned girl is connected
to Ranma's and to her spring. When Akane died, the spring was the only
connection left, so her spirit resides exclusively there. (Assumption in
this story is that Kima had a way to de-curse herself after vol. 38, and
no one else has fallen in Akane's spring yet.)
* Where do the dreams come from? Is it the spirit of Akane?
No, it's the spirit of Ranma (at least the part about Akane not being
able to escape; the Cave stuff is just an ordinary dream.)
* Will technology really increase that dramatically in the next 60-70 years?
Good question. ^_^
* Ranma: I hope Ucchan remembered to fill in my grave again.
UKYO: D'Oh!
Actually, she left all that stuff to Shan Pu.
Very interesting - I can see Ukyo and Shampoo doing what they do. Nice imagery throughout the story - a couple seemed unusual but not inappropriate to the elderly Ukyo. Different, yeah, that was the thing
that hooked me.
Thanks for the comments; they're very much appreciated.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html