Vincent Seifert <seifertv@ccshp1.ccs.csus.edu> wrote:
{Before I begin, a note: it appears that whatever you used to format
this wrapped lines at column 200 (!). I reformatted at 72, so the lines
will be a bit off from what you see on your screen.}
My mailer got mis-configured somehow. I'll send out a properly-formatted
copy as soon as I make all the corrections.
A chilling wind blows.across Jusenkyo.
blows across {extraneous '.' }
Will fix.
Bamboo poles vibrate back and forth like the tines of a tuning fork. The
{suggest, since there's LOTS of poles} of tuning forks.
Okay.
Burned indelibly into my memory, the last look on your face
hovers before me. Your eyes gaped with utter confusion, with a single,
unspoken question: Why?
That'll work. I didn't intend any ambiguity in this; just accidental.
"I'm giving myself the day off." I smirked. "My staff is better at
dealing with yuppies than I am anyhow."
am, anyhow."
OK.
But that's life, I suppose. Time keeps rolling forward, and nothing will
stop it. I've heard people talk about the 'stream of time,' but that's
not what it is at all. It's a raging river with huge waterfalls and
rapids.
{... and some parts that flow under earth. :) }
Sorry, no plugging other people's fics here. Self only. :-)
We hang on to anything that floats as the current pulls us
downstream, trying desperately to avoid drowning or being smashed
against a rock, all the while trying to enjoy the scenery because we
know we'll never see it again.
{And sometimes you go rafting just for the heck of it...}
How true.
{Jusenkyo as a THEME PARK?! Jeez, the magic isn't dead, it's just hiding
in disgust. Bastards. Surprised the Joketsuzoku, the Musk, and the
Phoenix let the developers live.}
Well, a lot can happen in sixty or so years. We know what's become of
the Amazons; as for the others, they may have run into disaster, or
simply moved elsewhere for who knows what reason.
As for the park, well... it *could* have been worse. At least this way
the important springs are left untouched.
The real
springs were sectioned off behind glassteel barriers, so that the
visitors could only stare at the signs. Spring of Drowned Werewolf.
Spring of Drowned Tragic Lovers. Spring of Drowned Mime.
{I wonder who arranged THAT one. :) }
We don't know. There are SO many people with the motive. :)
I'm pretty sure
that Pu Langmu had made some of these up, substituting for things like
Spring of Drowned Frog which were just not as impressive.
{Oi! I resemble that remark! :) }
Hey, it's canon, pal. V.37, p. 133. :-P
to see people let themselves be herded around like sheep, going where
they're allowed and never even wondering what they might find at the
other places.
{They might find themselves living in interesting times. :) }
Yep. And that can be both good and bad....
I boggled at her ability to be so blase while telling us such a thing.
So completely unflappable, so unlike the way you've described her
father. From what I've been able to gather, Jusenkyo has some sort of
special destiny in the far future, and its caretakers have to make sure
nothing happens to it in the meantime. It's as if she's a subnuclear
station operator, and the rest of us are children that she had to take
{suggest} subnuclear power station {what is it, quarks in teeny-weeny
hamster-wheels? :) }
Don't ask me, I just work here. :) But I figured it would be familiar
enough to the characters that they wouldn't need to identify what it
did, kinda like a nuclear or hydroelectric plant that don't need the
'power.'
"I'm afraid there's even worse news," she continued. "His spirit can't
endure in its current state, without a physical body to anchor it. If he
doesn't give up and go where he's supposed to go, he can't survive
indefinitely."
{suggest, to avoid using "survive" in this context} his spirit won't
last much longer."
OK.
I listened to the shouting match that was resonating through the walls,
and could make out a few of the words. Shan Pu kept saying one
particular phrase... "meirenyu de xinzang." Mermaid's heart? She had
mentioned an Amazon magic item by that name to me. I tried to remember
what she had said about it.
{EEK! For a moment I thought this was a Rumic World crossover!}
Well, sort of. It's a callback to an old fic.
{Suggest "flagstone path"; the Japanese don't use cobblestones much
because they're more suited to hooves and wheels than geta- or zori-clad
feet.}
Okay, will change.
My heart as it pounded in my chest like a gorilla trying to escape its
cage.
{Sentence fragment, or, if it's intentionally fragmented from the
sentence before it, extraneous paragraph break.}
Nah, it's a mistake; 'as it' shoulda been deleted.
if it were just some random passer-by, Shan Pu would be able to make
them remember that they'd been on the other side of town all evening;
but one of your children would be a different story, Ran-chan.
{Hmm. What story would that be, exactly? :) }
Um... the fourth sequel to HaM? ^_^
Okay, I told myself. Time to get this over with. The spatula swung down,
digging into the dirt behind your headstone.
{Yuck. Wouldn't that, like, defile it or something? The spatula, I mean.}
Dunno. Considering that its prime use was to bop Ranma upside the head,
it seems somehow not inappropriate. :-)
Shan Pu laid your remains carefully down on the ground next to me. I had
no idea how she'd managed to get you here from Nerima without the
Transport Authority finding you, and I didn't really want to know. Your
glassy eyes stared aimlessly like dull, brown marbles. I looked away.
{Um... unless there's some supernatural agency involved, or Ranma's eyes
were prosthetic, they wouldn't be "glassy", they'd be, er, gloppy. Eyes
are the first things to go.}
Okay, I'll correct this. I don't hang around dead people enough to know
these things. ^_-
So we opted for the only remaining choice. And I'm sure it was what
you'd have wanted, if you'd known. But you didn't, at least not
consciously. Neither did you know that your heart condition would've
killed you again in a matter of minutes.
{Well, that's not exactly a practical magic item, then. :) I mean, it's
only useful on someone who died of something that the Amazons can cure
before the, er, victim is off again...}
No, it reverses the immediate cause of death -- so it works well in a
case where someone was stabbed to death or something like that. For long
term diseases it's not useful, nor for death by old age.
I reach behind my back. The spatula swings down and digs into the
ground, scooping aside the soil, carving out a channel between the two
pools. Tongues of water stick out at one another, enlarging, finally
touching. Waters mix and swirl, running back and forth across the
channel, pushing aside even more dirt, until there aren't two springs
any longer, only one.
{WHEE! Yeah! That's just the sort of silly, impulsive thing I'd do
because it FELT right, and the reaction of the pool indicates that
something interesting did happen. Hope nobody falls into it, though. :)
Or maybe someone WILL, and that's part of Jusenkyo's destiny? Anyway,
Maybe. :) Like I said, I just work here. ^_^
I'm less concerned than Bert about adverse consequences, and I don't
think they'll bother Ukyo much, either. Applause.}
Thanks. ^_^
If you get mail from someone in the "indifferent" category, I'll be
amused to hear it. :)
I'll letcha know. :-)
Good story, well told, especially the end. The hints of the decades
between our time and Ukyo's were just right in quantity, depth, and
nature, and added considerably to the atmosphere.
Good; that's one thing I was concerned about -- putting enough
information in to give a sense of what this future was like, but not
bogging down the story or letting the worldview take over. Glad to know
that it worked, at least in one case. :)
As always, many thanks for the commentary.
Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html