In a message dated 10/12/99 03:15:14 PM, johnl@gate1.tomatoweb.com writes:
What the hell? Thanks to the horrible writing, as well as formatting skills
made this diffuclt to read, much less understand. The lines are choppy. To
make things worse, this isn't even spell-checked.
Disclaimer: I don't own Ramma 1/2 or any of the characters in Ramma
1/2, I am just playing with them.
Note: "" means they are talking Japanese
** means they are talking something else
<> means that they are on a keyboard
One of my biggest complaints about fics is authors explaining to me exactly
what " ", * *, < >, and other symbols are used for. We're no fools- we can
discern their use in fic itself.
I'm using Japanese name order but otherwise will use pretty
much standard
American English
Who doesn't?
By the Pool of the Drowned Sensei
by
John-Martin Lotz
The steps up to the Tendo Dojo were miles high and tens of miles long
there was a spotlight at the top shining on me, a crowd of millions watching
me and I knew that there was gallows at the top. I was more then a little
nervous
? Tendo dojo isn't mounted atop a mountain, nor known as locale for exection
of locals. I take it that this takes place in some fedual era?
as ! stepped up.
"!"? That should be "I"
"May I help you?"
Lina: I'd like two triple-scoop ice-cream with double nuts and heavy dose of
chocolate syurp. Oh, some cherry and whipped cream too!
"Hai . . . Is there a man, I mean boy, I mean girl. . . person named Ramma
here?"
The young women who stood at the door studied me, then asked the last
question that I expected to hear, "Excuse me, but are you engaged to
Ramma-san."
Yet-unnamed girl herefore known as 'I': Yep! I'm the finacee member #303!
Although it'd be nice if he's my tipe though.
"Engaged?" my voice raised about an octave, then I calmed, "NO."
"One more question, Do you want to kill him?"
I took a step back, the first question hadn't been the last question I
had
expected,
I had no idea how meeting this Ramma person would be, but this was NOT
it!!!
bad formatting here, and the sentence reads funny. Better write it as, "I
took a step back. The first question wasn't the last one I had expected,
seeing that I wasn't sure how the meeting would go, but this was NOT what I
had expected!"
Still I had to know.
Add a comma after 'Still.'
"No, not that either, There is something we share, and it leads me to
believe that
there may well be more that we share."
"No, not that either. There's something that we share, and I think there
might be more than that."
"RAMMA NO BAKA," There was the sound of crashing in the background, then
crashing
rapidly approaching, then she appeared, looking very much like the
descriptions I had
heard followed by a cute tomboyish looking girl.
"Ramma, you have a guest." She looked at me. as I reviewed our conversation.
Omit the period after 'me;' it's not necessary.
"I apologize, Kiratso Tomoe "
She bowed, "Tendo Kasumi, and this is my sister Akane, and this is Ramma"
This confused me because you split off the first dialogue from the rest. I
thought it was the visitor talking. Since Kasumi's the one talking, bring it
together.
Another thing was that Tomoe's name came right out of blue; how did Kasumi
know her name? Tomoe has never, as far as the readers are concerned,
introduced herself to Tendos before, much less even met them. So how'd she
know?
********
As she made the introductions Kasumi studied her guest, The girl in front
of her
Add a comma after 'introductions,' and replace the next comma with period.
was modestly dressed in an expensive looking loosely cut, dove gray kimono
...an expensive-looking and loosely-cut dove-kimono...
But even with this, there's too many words with hyphenations. Try using
replacing some of them with nicer words. For example, expensive-looking could
be replaced with 'fancy'
with a red
chrysanthemum mon design on it. Her hair was trimed to just past the
shoulder and
was dyed purple in the style she knew to be popular with teens about Ramma
and
Akane's age.
...knew to be popular among the teens around Ranma and Akane's age.
Tomoe took off her shoes and extended a bag to Kasumi then stood studying
Ramma quite frankly, a trace of slight nervousness showing in her wide
spread
dark eyes.
*********
I handed Kasumi the bag of Scotch (1) I had brought, then studyed
Misspelling: studied. Also, scotch doesn't have to be captialized- it's not a
name or a place.
Ramma --
who was in turn studying me, "You wanted to see me."
...studied Ranma, who in turn studied me,...
I sighed and reached into my handbag, "It's easier to show then descibe."
...show than describe."
I pulled out
two thermoses of water, one hot and the other cold.
...one hot and other cold."
"Jusenkyo," he breathed.
Yes, he was the one. I poured the cold water over my head. and . . .
changed.
Typo here, remove that period after 'head'
In that other form I looked up into Ramma's eyes and started to smile.
It
froze,
like her eyes as she breathed, "You Bastard." She screamed again, "YOU."
and dove at me.
It'd read better as: "In my other form, I looked up into Ranma's eyes and
began to smile. It froze, just as her eyes did. "You bastard," she screamed
as she dove at me, "YOU!"
And wasn't Ranma a boy earlier?
I didn't think, I didn't have the time, I just reacted, I dove forward,
Ramma at my heels
landed in a coutyard then and found myself 30 feet in the air, slapping
Ramma
backwards into a Koi pond.
Ranma dove for me, I dove forward, we both collided. See? Be careful about
directions you're using.
Again, it'd go better like this: "I didn't think; I just reacted. I jumped
out of the courtyard with Ranma still at my heels. I found myself thirty feet
in air, slapping Ranma backwards into a koi pond."
"Oh my." I heard Kasumi say as she handed me the hot thermos and I reverted
to my
real self. Just about then Ramma stugled out of the water and headed
toward me.
"Just about then, Ranma struggled out of the water and towards me."
Next I found Kasumi between us. "Ramma. stop!." Ramma halted and she
handed him
the rest of my thermos, which she had grabbed from me.
Kasumi stepped in between us. "Ranma, stop!" Ranma stopped as she handed her
the thermos she took from me.
I cinched my kimono tight as Kisumi continued, "Ramma, Hot water changed
her
into a
girl, cold changed her into that man."
Nani? This doesn't make sense. Oh, wait, you mean this, "Ranma, *cold* water
changed her into a that man, but *hot* water changed her back into girl."
Ramma, now a male gaped, and I had to ask, "Rama, whose body is this,
Obviously you know."
Ranma, now a boy, gaped at me, and I had to ask him. "Ranma, whose body is
this? Obiviously you know who he is."
He looked half ready to hit and half to cry as he said, "My father."
He looked half-ready to hit me and to cry as he said, "My father."
End Teaser
Chapter one to folow in a short bit
This is a first effort, hope you all like it.
Well, this is interesting. Of course I'm assuming that this story takes place
in fedual times, from the description of the Tendo dojo you've given in the
beginning, but I think you should clarify this.
Also, I can't suspend my belief in this fic, probably because it's diffuclt
to understand the concept. Sure, Ranma beats up his pops now and then, but he
never really hated him. You'd have to explain why he's willing to kill him.
And how his father ended up drowning at Jusenkyo. But most of all, I simply
find the notion of Akane chasing after Ranma with a mallet to be ludricious,
given the time era.
And for some reason, when I read this fic, I pictured Tendo dojo as what
you'd find in hell; *lots* of fire and dark and gloomy places. Cloudy nights,
and cowering servants scurring aroudn the place.
If people don't mind I have a couple of point I'd appreciate poeplpe's
opinions on in addition to general CC's
Gah, misspelling even in author's notes.
1. the title, does it give too much away?
I don't think so, since there's lot of things implied in it. But even if it
did, who cares? Plently of stories have been written despite the obivious
title.
2) around where I had Tomoe give Kasumi the bottle of Scotch, For reasons
that are important to future parts
of the story Tomeo is noveau rich. From what I know arout Japanese soicial
custom one gives a present to
the household when you visit and Scotch is very expensive. Also She is
a
tad young
That's true, but it's usually for more formal and important visits, like the
one above. And why scotch? I don't think they're common in Japan, but sake
would be more likely offering. Even so, why an alcoholic drink?
I don't like that section, does anyone know a way to make the point better,
or is the point so obscurely made that it needs footnoting
Honestly, I don't think a footnote for this is necessary. You can simply
explain it if you want, in author's notes. I think it's a well-known
tradition, so don't worry.
3) Tomoe is not a trained martial artist, Gemma's body provides the
martial arts talent. Tomoe only
can fight like that if she doesn't think.at all about it. and tomeo
prefers to think ahead . Unless, of course she
gets training Hmmmm :)
So you're suggesting that Tomoe has zero knowledge in martial arts, but when
as Genma, her body *reacts*?
Overall: USE A SPELLCHECKER! This is a *very* important advice. It'd make
your fic more readable, and a proper *formatting* is not just strongly
encouraged, it's practically mandatory. Often fics get deleted if it's
impossible to read.
Please don't be discouraged, BUT keep in mind those two important advice. Do
that and you'll have better chances of getting C&C.
Until I find something new to write, Ja ne-
Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com> formerly Sailor Alpha
Fanfics, projects at http://www.gehirn.com/ | gehirn = brain in German
"In the name of the Moon, I will let my friend Sailor Moon punish you!"
-Sailor Mercury, Alternate Visions, part 4