From: Raja <raja@twincities.infi.net>
To: ffml@fanfic.com
Subject: [FFML] [FFML][OMG][fanfic] Quality Assurance
Date: Mon, 11 Oct 1999 18:40:34 -0500

Hi, everyone!  I've been lurking about the list for a month or so, and I've
finally worked up the courage to post my first fanfic (he said, nervously
looking over his shoulder).

Yeah, I know how that can feel. All I can say is don't expect 50 messages every time you post a Fic; it'll usually never happen. (Tip? Always write for yourself, not what you *think* the audience wants.

The phone rang again, and Keiichi suddenly remembered:  He was the only
one home at the moment.  Belldandy had taken her sisters, along with
Kei's sister Megumi, out shopping earlier that day, so that he could
have some peace and quiet to work.  Keiichi smiled to himself.  Bell. . .
you are always so considerate. . . .

Typical mush from Keiichi. Thanks for not overdoing it.

"Thank you, Kami-sama."  Keiichi was surprised to note that his voice
had steadied.  "If you don't mind my asking, sir, how. . .?"

"I've damped down your nervous reactions a bit, Keiichi.

I don't think God would interfere with anyone right to reaction but then, who ever heard of a goddess granting wishes?

Keiichi put down his pencil and frowned in thought.  "Well, I guess
there have been a lot of hard times in the past few months. . ."  Kei
thought of some of the things that had happened since he began living
with the goddesses.  Little things, like Aoshima trying to steal
Belldandy away from him; bigger things, like the demon Mara turning his
sister Megumi into a car (but oh, what a nice car that was. . . .
Keiichi shook his head abruptly -- stay on the subject!); to that
horrible business with the bug exhaust port that almost took Bell away
for good.  He shuddered a bit.

But then, Kei remembered how Urd and Skuld worked so hard together to
solve the problem and close the port.  He remembered how Urd helped him
regain his energy, during that week when it seemed he was working twenty
four hours a day.

It's okay to include backstory to give a clue as to continuity, but the way you present it here doesn't seem to help the story. A suggestion would be: cut it down to a single paragraph or just include a continuity note in the introduction.
If you want to draw it out, you must, must, must tie it in properly. Give it mean to the character. Don't just let them think about events, put the emphasis on how they *feel* about those events.
Final Word: Consistency and relevancy.

He remembered how Urd, and later Skuld, would always

lend a hand with the motor club, from helping recruit members to
cheering at races, to building -- and sometimes rebuilding -- vehicles
from the ground up.

On the other hand, thought Keiichi, there was the way that Skuld kept
on trying to prevent Belldandy and I from getting too close, while at
the same time Urd kept on trying to push us closer together --

Again, how does he feel about these events.

Keiichi blinked for a moment, disoriented.  What just happened?

<snap>

Keiichi looked down, puzzled.  He noticed the phone by his desk for the
first time.  "No. . . I guess I had it in here in case anyone called,
but no one did."  Kei shrugged, dissmissing the matter.  Skuld walked
slowly past the door, trying to balance several bags and packages.
"Skuld, Megumi, here, let me help you with those. . ."

<snip>

____________________________

Oh no! You fell into the trap!
I agree that certain things like rewriting time seem flashy, but what good is having Keiichi come to a revalation then having him lose his memory of it? You said you wanted to keep the possibility of a sequel open but without Keiichi's memory of the conversation, you're stuck using conventions of character to keep up continuity, rather than being able to redirect his actions immediately. (What the hell am I saying? Substance over style.)(But not *too* much over. ^_^)

Author's Notes:

This story started out as an idle "what if?" thought that slowly grew into
the form it has now.

Pretty good for a first Fic overall. I'd like to see some of the "trials" you put Keiichi through. (But no Megalomaniacs.) Good luck writing.


- Shakudo -
Eternal Worshiper of Makoto Kino, Ukyo Kuonji, and Sakuya Kumashiro
Holder of the files of Ranma Nibun no Usugurami and Sailor Moon D

Email: shakudo@hotmail.com
URL: http://members.tripod.com/Shakudo/main.html
   Updated October 4, 1999

Brand new millenium, same old schmuck.







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