C&C are my opinions and suggestions only. Feel free to ignore anything I say.
Formatting problems - line length.
Initial Reactions:
Weird, different, unusual - these are good things. :)
Suddenly, there were no more ghosts. Akane was embedded in the cave wall, a piece of fruit in a jello mold.
suggest: wall, like a piece
Youth, as they say. is wasted on the young.
that should be a comma for the first full stop
Yes, that's right. You died. Less than a month after Akane passed away, you followed. If anyone had told me that I'd outlive the two of you -- not to mention Ryoga, Kuno, even my own husband -- I'd
so who was Ucchan's husband?
have called them crazy. Maybe okonomiyaki is the secret to long life, eh, Ran-chan?
Ranma: "Darn, I should've hung out for more of those freebie meals, Ucchan."
Ukyo: "Bah. I'd have taken IOUs."
"I'm giving myself the day off." I smirked. "My staff is better at dealing with yuppies than I am anyhow."
the 'than I am' seems redundant
suggest: "My staff's better at deal with yuppies anyhow."
"Me too," I said. "I guess he couldn't bear being away from Akane. It really hit him hard when she passed away."
"Yes, I know." Her voice dropped to a mumble. "Can't leave without her."
Hmm. I know this is a device to get the ball rolling, but it read as a bit abrupt to me.
in fact, I thought it was an error the first time I read it: "Couldn't live without her."
it just needs a little more flow, IMO
Past the gate, the lines were much, much longer, bending back and forth in paths marked off by makeshift rope barriers. TV monitors showed clips from old cartoons, liberally interspersed with
advertisements for other Warner-Disney attractions around the world. Plaques identified the particular pools: Spring of Drowned Man, and so forth.
Bleh. Jusenkyo commercialized. Worse thing is that I can see it happening too.
Good image of the victory of technology over magic.
They made me wait outside, which didn't make a lot of sense considering that they shouted at each other loud enough for me to hear them quite clearly anyway. Pro forma, I guess. Sadly, the Council
aren't much more than figureheads anymore, not since the overseas companies came in and set up their factories.
Um. Factories... in the Bayankala Ranges... Maybe in Xining but not near the Amazon village.
Nothing for them to be ashamed of, really. For years and years they'd survived the rest of the world's various attempts to persuade them to end their isolation. But not even Amazons can fight against
world-wide disease epidemics, not without medicines that they lacked the know-how and equipment to make themselves.
I dunno - who knows what's in their magical stockpile: 3000 years of Amazon history and all that. :)
Stepping back, I take a last look at the two pools. I thought that telling my story would make me feel better. It hasn't. I still feel sickened, as if something were eating my stomach from inside.
Wait, who's she telling the story to at this point? And why does the story continue on? Kinda reminds me of those Star Trek logs which are made in real time without any sign of a recorder or actors
moving their mouths. :)
Questions/Comments:
* So, Akane was soulless when she was alive?
* Where do the dreams come from? Is it the spirit of Akane?
* Will technology really increase that dramatically in the next 60-70 years?
* Ranma: I hope Ucchan remembered to fill in my grave again.
Closing Comments:
Very interesting - I can see Ukyo and Shampoo doing what they do. Nice imagery throughout the story - a couple seemed unusual but not inappropriate to the elderly Ukyo. Different, yeah, that was the thing
that hooked me.
Hope this helps.
Phil.