{Before I begin, a note: it appears that whatever you used to format
this wrapped lines at column 200 (!). I reformatted at 72, so the lines
will be a bit off from what you see on your screen.}
As always, all feedback is welcomed and appreciated. You can find my
other fics at <http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html>.
{Bert beat me out of the gate, so I'll try not to overlap too much...}
A chilling wind blows.across Jusenkyo.
blows across {extraneous '.' }
Bamboo poles vibrate back and forth like the tines of a tuning fork. The
{suggest, since there's LOTS of poles} of tuning forks.
I sit, staring at the pools in front of me. I wonder whether you
understand. The thought that you don't is a massive weight that pushes
down on me. Burned indelibly into my memory, the last look on your face
hovers before me; your eyes gaping with utter confusion, with a single,
unspoken question. Why?
{Hmm. Ambiguity here. If it's Ranma querying Ukyou, suggest splitting
into two sentences)
Burned indelibly into my memory, the last look on your face
hovers before me. Your eyes gaped with utter confusion, with a single,
unspoken question: Why?
{or, if it's Ukyou querying Ranma, use a colon}
Burned indelibly into my memory, the last look on your face
hovers before me: your eyes gaping with utter confusion, with a single,
unspoken question. Why?
{or, if the ambiguity is intentional, leave it. :) }
"I'm giving myself the day off." I smirked. "My staff is better at
dealing with yuppies than I am anyhow."
am, anyhow."
But that's life, I suppose. Time keeps rolling forward, and nothing will
stop it. I've heard people talk about the 'stream of time,' but that's
not what it is at all. It's a raging river with huge waterfalls and
rapids.
{... and some parts that flow under earth. :) }
We hang on to anything that floats as the current pulls us
downstream, trying desperately to avoid drowning or being smashed
against a rock, all the while trying to enjoy the scenery because we
know we'll never see it again.
{And sometimes you go rafting just for the heck of it...}
"Me too," I said. "I guess he couldn't bear being away from Akane. It
really hit him hard when she passed away."
"Yes, I know." Her voice dropped to a mumble. "Can't leave without her."
I stared at her. "What did you say?"
{Cue Twilight Zone theme... :) Oddly, the first time I read this I read
"can't live without her", which is only a syllable off and also
meaningful...}
When we got there, it was about two in the afternoon, but long lines of
tourists still stretched out in front of the front gate. Billboard signs
overhead listed prices, starting with ten thousand yuan for a single
day's admission. We went around to the employees' entrance at the side.
{Jusenkyo as a THEME PARK?! Jeez, the magic isn't dead, it's just hiding
in disgust. Bastards. Surprised the Joketsuzoku, the Musk, and the
Phoenix let the developers live.}
Past the gate, the lines were much, much longer, bending back and forth
in paths marked off by makeshift rope barriers. TV monitors showed clips
from old cartoons, liberally interspersed with advertisements for other
Warner-Disney attractions around the world. Plaques identified the
particular pools: Spring of Drowned Man, and so forth.
{OK, I hated Disney already for what they did to "The Jungle Book", now
Warner's on my list too.}
Of course, none of them were actual Jusenkyo springs; Pu Langmu had dug
holes, coated the bottoms with polyshield to prevent any seepage from
below, and filled them with the single-use instant waters.
{How dismayingly practical.}
The real
springs were sectioned off behind glassteel barriers, so that the
visitors could only stare at the signs. Spring of Drowned Werewolf.
Spring of Drowned Tragic Lovers. Spring of Drowned Mime.
{I wonder who arranged THAT one. :) }
I'm pretty sure
that Pu Langmu had made some of these up, substituting for things like
Spring of Drowned Frog which were just not as impressive.
{Oi! I resemble that remark! :) }
I suppose the walls were a good thing; we certainly didn't need any more
Ashuras or Pantyhoses flying around. But still it bothered me somehow,
Pantyhose-Taros { :) }
to see people let themselves be herded around like sheep, going where
they're allowed and never even wondering what they might find at the
other places.
{They might find themselves living in interesting times. :) }
I boggled at her ability to be so blase while telling us such a thing.
So completely unflappable, so unlike the way you've described her
father. From what I've been able to gather, Jusenkyo has some sort of
special destiny in the far future, and its caretakers have to make sure
nothing happens to it in the meantime. It's as if she's a subnuclear
station operator, and the rest of us are children that she had to take
{suggest} subnuclear power station {what is it, quarks in teeny-weeny
hamster-wheels? :) }
to along to work. *No, honey, don't touch that button. Here, play with
this instead.*
"I'm afraid there's even worse news," she continued. "His spirit can't
endure in its current state, without a physical body to anchor it. If he
doesn't give up and go where he's supposed to go, he can't survive
indefinitely."
{suggest, to avoid using "survive" in this context} his spirit won't
last much longer."
Inside me, a memory bubbled to the surface. I'd wanted to keep you and
Akane apart.
Life's never more cruel than when it gives a person what she asks for.
{Ouch, ouch, ouch.}
I listened to the shouting match that was resonating through the walls,
and could make out a few of the words. Shan Pu kept saying one
particular phrase... "meirenyu de xinzang." Mermaid's heart? She had
mentioned an Amazon magic item by that name to me. I tried to remember
what she had said about it.
{EEK! For a moment I thought this was a Rumic World crossover!}
*Stop thinking like a frightened little girl,* I told myself. *Dead
people don't do things like that. They're... well, dead.* But that
wasn't completely true; if it were, we wouldn't have come here.
{heh. Rationality is a feeble reed to anyone who's hung around Ranma
long enough. :) }
My flashlight stabbed forward, narrowly illuminating the cobblestone
path.
{Suggest "flagstone path"; the Japanese don't use cobblestones much
because they're more suited to hooves and wheels than geta- or zori-clad
feet.}
Something howled in the distance; the sound sliced through the air like
a scythe. Reflexively, the giant spatula flew into my hands, and I spun
around to look. Nothing. Just some animal in the distance, I supposed.
My heart as it pounded in my chest like a gorilla trying to escape its
cage.
{Sentence fragment, or, if it's intentionally fragmented from the
sentence before it, extraneous paragraph break.}
if it were just some random passer-by, Shan Pu would be able to make
them remember that they'd been on the other side of town all evening;
but one of your children would be a different story, Ran-chan.
{Hmm. What story would that be, exactly? :) }
Okay, I told myself. Time to get this over with. The spatula swung down,
digging into the dirt behind your headstone.
{Yuck. Wouldn't that, like, defile it or something? The spatula, I mean.}
Shan Pu laid your remains carefully down on the ground next to me. I had
no idea how she'd managed to get you here from Nerima without the
Transport Authority finding you, and I didn't really want to know. Your
glassy eyes stared aimlessly like dull, brown marbles. I looked away.
{Um... unless there's some supernatural agency involved, or Ranma's eyes
were prosthetic, they wouldn't be "glassy", they'd be, er, gloppy. Eyes
are the first things to go.}
So we opted for the only remaining choice. And I'm sure it was what
you'd have wanted, if you'd known. But you didn't, at least not
consciously. Neither did you know that your heart condition would've
killed you again in a matter of minutes.
{Well, that's not exactly a practical magic item, then. :) I mean, it's
only useful on someone who died of something that the Amazons can cure
before the, er, victim is off again...}
All you had time to think about
was the water surrounding you, rushing into your lungs as your last
breath of air deserted you. And you looked back at me with eyes that
I'll remember for the rest of my days; eyes full of betrayal and
helplessness and most of all, puzzlement. Eyes that made no sound, but
whose words were nevertheless clear.
*Why are you killing me, Ukyo?*
{Hey, if you're lucky, HE thinks it's a dream...}
I reach behind my back. The spatula swings down and digs into the
ground, scooping aside the soil, carving out a channel between the two
pools. Tongues of water stick out at one another, enlarging, finally
touching. Waters mix and swirl, running back and forth across the
channel, pushing aside even more dirt, until there aren't two springs
any longer, only one.
{WHEE! Yeah! That's just the sort of silly, impulsive thing I'd do
because it FELT right, and the reaction of the pool indicates that
something interesting did happen. Hope nobody falls into it, though. :)
Or maybe someone WILL, and that's part of Jusenkyo's destiny? Anyway,
I'm less concerned than Bert about adverse consequences, and I don't
think they'll bother Ukyo much, either. Applause.}
Liked this story? Hated it? Indifferent? Whichever it was, I'd like to
know what you thought.
If you get mail from someone in the "indifferent" category, I'll be
amused to hear it. :)
Good story, well told, especially the end. The hints of the decades
between our time and Ukyo's were just right in quantity, depth, and
nature, and added considerably to the atmosphere.
Thanks for writing and sharing!
Vince Seifert Fanfic Analyst seifertv@csus.edu
Techie: http://webpages.csus.edu/~seifertv/
Fanfic: http://www.csus.edu/indiv/s/seifertv/toth/
Ideas are worth their weight in gold.